I love my mother, but I feel like she struggles to respect my need for personal time. She doesn’t have any friends nearby, and I think she feels lonely, which adds to her reliance on me. When I go outside to spend time with my friends and have my own social interactions, she often becomes passive-aggressive, which makes me feel guilty and anxious. When things don’t go according to her expectations, her passive-aggressiveness makes my heart race, and I feel overwhelmed. My father is much older, and my mother is 68, so I feel a sense of responsibility toward them. However, I also know I need to take care of my own social needs and mental health. How can I balance supporting her, maintaining my own boundaries, and addressing the anxiety this dynamic causes me?
You stated that she doesn't have friends nearby - did your parents move from where their friends were prior ? She can meet new friends by other means where she is - even at a senior center or church, volunteering, exercise class, etc- you can encourage that.
Since you want to "support her", then the first step is to encourage your parents to take responsibility for their own lives and plan ahead for themselves. It shouldn't be on your shoulders to take on their lives. You have your own life - and if your current mindset is different, then you're only setting yourself to be a Full Time Caregiver for your future!
Sending all my best ~
We moved to the USA about 10 years ago, and I think the cultural differences have had a big impact on my mom, even though she’s naturally a social person. I’ve noticed that she doesn’t have the same opportunities to connect with others here, partly because everything feels more spread out and distant.
I agree with you that encouraging my parents to take steps toward building their own community and planning for their future is important, and I’m trying to support them in that. It’s a delicate balance because I want to help them while also focusing on my own path and independence.
Thank you again for your thoughts—it really means a lot to me to get this kind of perspective.
Try to think of extricating yourself from your mom as an opportunity you are gifting her. Physical separation is step one. Hand her a calendar with ‘mom-time” scheduled in once a week, then make sure you stick with it. Better yet, load it into her phone. You might go through some withdrawal of your own but you will both be healthier.
I still hang out with the grandkids and do crafts, still stay weekends with them if mom and dad go out of town---
So, put the guilt away--it doesn't work and it doesn't help.
There are SO MANY things your mom could be doing--we have a great Sr Center, which I feel 'too young' to join, but a lot of my friends have and go a couple days a week. Suggest that for mom. Also, help her find a couple of charities she can either donate time or items to. (Esp this time of year!)
I have many interests and activities and wouldn't DREAM of asking my kids to entertain me!
Your dad is still with you? Encourage THEM to do things together. My DH is struggling with retirement (the utter boredom of it!) and I hope this year we can find some things for him to do, so he won't be such a sloth.
Perhaps you can have a heart to heart with her and explain how her maneuvering behavior affects and hurts you. And that you want to spend time with her, but not if it's going to be 'by demand'.
You can't 'fix' her, but you can kindly show her some pathways to making friends, even at 68. We moved to our new home 3 years ago and I had to start all over, making friends, and what a joy that has been! Making friends in your 60's--you cut through a lot of crap by simply having already lived a life. I adore my new friends and I think the feeling is mutual.
68 is not old, really. I have aches and pains (currently recovering from back surgery) but I hope that I heal up better than before. I take a nap, many days, but I also do just as much as I ever did.
Try looking at your mom in a different light other than 'elderly'.
YOUR problem is to tell your mother what your needs are, clearly, and to make clear there are not options or argument involved. As to anxiety? We are hard-wired for it; it's a defense mechanism to stay watchful and careful. You are seeing your mother's behavior for what it is, so it's working great for you.
Guilt is inappropriate. You aren't responsible for your mother's happiness. You didn't cause her aging and you cannot fix it.
Guilt requires causation.
I would switch to another G-word which is GRIEF. You are sad that she is old, she is failing and she is alone.
That is appropriate. She IS old and she IS alone and she IS failing and that's the truth of old age (I am 82, so I assure you).
You are not responsible for your mother's happiness. AGAIN.
So it isn't guilt, it's grief.
Dr. Laura, who I often quote here, says that "not everything can be fixed".
That's a fact.
Throwing your own life onto the burning funeral pyre of your mother will not make EITHER of you happy.
Your parents had responsibility for YOU.
YOU have responsibility to live a good and happy life, which does THEM honor.
And your responsibility is to your own life, your own family and your own friends.
I would suggest you see a good cognitive therapist in order to learn tricks to avoid manipulation. Your mother has certain skills she has learned that work well for her and it is time for you to learn a few "tricks" for yourself.
Your mom has HAD HER LIFE and at 68, she has EASILY two more decades of it. I still walk, garden, have friends and a home, do my own cooking and housework, walk, read, paint, foster dogs. I am EIGHTY TWO. Unless your mother is ill there is utterly no reason for her, closer to my DAUGHTER in age than to me, to give up on life. It is CHOICE unless there is illness.
You are an adult and your post shows that you are very bright. You have choice to make for your own life and you are responsible for the choices you make and the life those choices brings to you. Many people do CHOOSE too martyr themselves to their parents needs. To me that is a waste, but if it is their choice I would be the last to stop them. For myself, Sainthood is a real bad job description.
As to manipulation (and that's what passive agressive behavior is all about)--it should be met with a frown at worst and at best, absolutely ignored.
Good luck. It's all up to you. Your choice. Thank GOD for the free will, or whoever gave it to us.
I hear you on the importance of clearly communicating my needs to my mother and recognizing that I am not responsible for her happiness or fulfillment. It’s a shift in perspective for me because I’ve always felt a sense of obligation to make sure she’s okay, especially after our move to the U.S., which was such a big adjustment for all of us. But you’re right—there’s a difference between guilt and grief, and reframing my feelings as grief makes a lot of sense. It’s a natural response to watching someone you love face challenges, but it doesn’t mean I need to sacrifice my own well-being.
Your point about choice resonates deeply. I want to build a life for myself that honors my parents without completely losing myself in their needs. As you said, it’s not about martyring myself but finding a balance that works for everyone. I’m slowly learning to set boundaries and recognize manipulation for what it is, though it’s a process.
I also appreciate your encouragement to seek support, such as a cognitive therapist, to navigate these dynamics. Learning strategies to handle passive-aggressive behavior and avoid emotional traps sounds like a powerful step toward better relationships and personal growth.
Your words about your own life and experiences are incredibly inspiring. At 82, your independence, activities, and outlook are a reminder that age is not a barrier to living fully. It’s something I hope to help my mom see as well—she still has so much potential for a vibrant, fulfilling life, and that’s something I’d love to encourage her to embrace.
Thank you again for your advice and insights. They mean a lot to me as I continue working through this situation.
I would like to go to church more often and participate in more community activities, but my job keeps me busy during the week and I play catch up on the weekends.
I have a daughter, but I do not interfere with her son's and her life. We talk often. The both of them enjoy my cooking. She has her own friends and most of mine have passed on; so, I spend my time reading or watching movies during the winter months. I have friends in other states and we call each other occasionally. Friends are like angels. They don't have to be near to know that they are there. Even the ones who have passed on will always have a place in my heart.
I get wander lust and will jump in my old car to take a drive. I love the fall season. My daughter, grandson and I took a drive in October to see the leaves in Virginia. We couldn't get in the park because everyone else had the same idea that weekend. We ended up finding an old time diner and had breakfast.
However, I do call when I hadn't heard from them to make sure they're okay.