My dad has lived with us from several years and I'm beginning to think I just can't do this anymore. Dad's a sweet heart, he's really so kind and polite - as far as dementia patients go, he's as good as they come. My husband and I had just become empty nesters a year or two before he moved in, so we didn't get to really experience an empty home for long. We were a busy couple - hiking, biking, traveling and just enjoying life... and it just stopped. I've added ten pounds and am no longer as active as I once was. To some degree, I feel as though I'm trading my years for his. This weekend was our first weekend away in a year - it was lovely, but I felt the need to rush home because dad wasn't handling well (very anxious, not sleeping, very sad and confused, wondering if we didn't love him anymore or were going to "get rid" of him). I really just needed time away.
Dad's such a friendly guy that I feel like he would make friends quickly, but he was an orphan until the age of 10 when he was adopted by my grandparents, so he doesn't do well long-term in hospitals and the like. He's also a Vietnam vet, so there's a lot of past trauma that is fresh in his mind.
I just wanted to hear how it went for you - did you mom or dad ever fully adjust? How long did it take? Was it ultimately a good move?
There, he, who was a bit of a loner and almost monklike, came a bit out of his shell, participated in more things, tours of the Stars homes and movies, and he got along better than either of us thought he would. He told me it was a bit like being young and in the Army as he didn't quite "like it" but he made the best of it. He actually became more well instead of worse due to worries being lifted over every day life things he otherwise had to do.
My brother died after a year and one half of unrelated illness (sepsis). Meanwhile he DID make the best of it, comparing it all to living in a 60s commune where "we all just HAVE to get along".
It was only a couple of weeks before she found Rummikub (not sure of spelling). She wasn’t a joiner before, but she did love that.
Your dad would be so much better off if he were in such a place. No time to be anxious! And you and husband could resume your active life, which you deserve.
Some quickly make friends and go to activities .
Please don’t set yourself up for disappointment.
The initial move may go well , it may not . Some take longer to adjust than others.
Similar to how some kids adjust to daycare or kindergarten quicker than others
But what is important is that your Dad gets the care he needs , and you don’t burn out. He will eventually adjust .
Have you taken Dad on tours , and had a meal at some facilities ? This way he could see what nice places there are ? The sooner the better, it is for them to adjust, they say before he gets more confused . Good Luck .
Prepare for the worst and hope for the best .
Some learn to love it , others will accept that they need to be there and tolerate it .
Some are so confused as the dementia progresses that they don’t know where they are and ask to go home .
And some will continue to put guilt trips on you when you visit , even after they have adjusted. Some are the life of the party while living there until you visit and they put the pout face on again.
My advice is rip the bandaid off and place Dad . Stop looking for a fairytale ending that may or may not happen . With dementia , You can not predict that . You did not make your father ill , it’s not your fault. No guilt should be felt .You are feeling grief because he is not the same father you knew and you can’t fix him . Place him where he can get care and you can be an advocate for him . Being a burnt out caregiver will not be good for any of you .