How do I address undue influence with an incapacitated parent?

This neighbor has crossed a line with the setting up of lawyers. I certainly would be concerned. A letter would be very good from your attorney just to document her attempts.

TrishFL: One of the key words here that I am picking up on is that this is a FORMER neighbor. This individual hasn't a clue as to your mother's welfare/health. This woman has inappropriately inserted herself (or attempted such) into your mother's affairs. Of concern is the mental state of this person - obviously something is amiss as she is overstepping. Advise your attorney.

How do you know for sure money and items were stolen? It could be your mom feels the need to pay her way for favors the neighbors have done for her. Neighbors i helped when their absent POA children lived too far away to visit 2 or 3 times a month to take garbage out, get groceries, etc would offer me money for my time and/or gas because i was being helpful. I always refused the offer because i would time things so i could pick up her stuff when i shopped for myself. I always gave her the receipt of the seperately purchased items of hers and we went over her list, compared it to the receipt and she reimbursed me. Rarely would i see POA children visit. When they did, i would fill them in on what a struggle it had been for their loved one to get their paper, take out the garbage, cook, do laundry, shower etc. I was accused of being a doo gooder because i wanted something out of it. I had my neighbors friendship and it was worth it all to help out this lovely woman. It appeared to all the neighbors like these POA children wanted the power but not the responsibility of caring for their loved mum. As neighbors, we see their struggles on a nearly daily basis. It hurt me to see this old neighbor struggle. They should be in AL or a LCF. Just because they don't want to go doesn't mean they can't adjust. It took my mom about 6 months to adjust but she's made friends, is happy and all those everyday things are done for her as it should be. I do not agree with your moms neighbor however getting her legal help. Have you talked with her? Given her your number so of she sees a problem, you can be alerted? I think she's trying to help your mom in the best way she can. Meanwhile, your mom is paying her neighbors and friends for doing things out of appreciation. She doesn't expect them to do it for free. If you've got POA, put it to work! Get your mom the help she needs. What are you waiting for? I'm sure the neighbors would be delighted to know she's got help and it will more than likely lighten their load of watching out and worrying about your mom because it appears to them no one else is. You cannot manage from a distance and be good at it. You owe them each a big thank you. It takes a village and you should be grateful for any help that is offered to your mom. I sure was. I personally got to know my moms close neighbors. Asked if i could call them on updates during the times i couldn't be there for mom. We all worked together and they were happy to help in any way they could because they loved my mom. At one point, we all came to the same conclusion that mom needed to be in a facility that could help her. We cried on each other's shoulders and they were kind enough to help me get her in her new place and getting her home ready to sell. I insisted that out of the things i was willing to part with but had no room for in my house, i called mom's neighbors over and asked them to take what they'd like as a remembrance of my mom and as a token of mom's and my appreciation of all their help. They were reluctant, but i insisted. We still stay in touch even though we live 15 miles apart. I will forever be grateful for these wonderful people.

I would have an eldercare attorney intervene to stop her interference. And I would report her to Adult Protective Services.

Ah! The concerned neighbor! Familiar ground. In my MIL's final years she resisted moving to an ALF on the grounds that her neighbors loved helping her out. Of course, they didn't; they complained that WE should do something. Yet, to her face, they would say that they didn't mind at all getting the paper for her from the corner store, or taking her trash down to the street for pickup. In fact, they were the biggest hindrance to getting the MIL to see that she really was not able to live independently. The constant calls to us, that we should drive 2 hours each way to help with some little thing she could no longer do were of no concern to anyone but us. None of them wanted to be honest with her about her failing capabilities, just blame her "absent" child. After she died and we went through her things, clearing the house for sale, we discovered that many family heirlooms were stolen along with a lot of cash that she kept in the house "just in case." Their real interest in keeping her in her home was to manipulate and rob her.

Any neighbor who truly means well would speak honestly with both the child and the parent and try to assist in doing the right thing for the parent. My own neighbors are friendly and offer to help, but we all know that when I really need help in day-to-day living I need to be looking to move to a care facility, not expect neighbors to do my chores for free. This winter we had unusual snows. When they checked on us, we assured them that we brought in firewood for the fireplace and stored extra water in the refrigerator when the storms were predicted, thanked them for their concern, and asked if they were also prepared for a few days of cold and unpredictable power. Neighbors do look out for each other, but not like family. I would be highly suspicious of a neighbor who wanted to get me or an elderly relative a lawyer without involving the family.

I would have a face to face with the neighbor immediately. Explain that although she is your mother's friend only you have legal rights to handle all of mothers needs including medical & legal decisions.

Is the neighbor old? Does she have issues of her own? Hopefully this will help the situation before you need to take serious actions. I am quite sure she thinks she is helping.

My mother's neighbor was an alcoholic that had dementia and kept telling my mother that my mother was fine. Mom is diagnosed with dementia ( had testing) and on medication. Thank God the neighbor finally moved.

I’m with Countrymouse I wouldn’t start with lawyers letters and demands I would go to her directly and ask for her help. You know she cares about your mom and means well but her attempts to help Mom “legally” is actually causing her stress and anxiety so you want to share more insight to the situation with her… I don’t know what this woman’s age or situation is but it occurs to me that watching your mom go down this road is frightening for this neighbor personally and she is projecting to some degree.

If you exhaust the “be part of the team” option I would warn her directly she needs to stop, asserting your authority which you have already made her aware of and then if she still isn’t listening keep stepping it up until she does. This may require banning her from visiting Mom but if there is a system for taking patients out I would start with not allowing anyone other than you and any family members you want to to take her out and then move on to not allowing visits if necessary. Step it up rather than throwing it all at her at once, it’s probably beneficial for your mom to have as many visitors as possible providing they aren’t causing problems. Since your mother has met the legal requirements for incompetency she can’t legally change things or do anything financially without you so while an attorney might be fooled into drawing up documents no one should be able to move your mom out of AL for instance without your agreement or do something with her house or bank accounts and the new papers would be null and void as soon as someone tried. If you haven’t already had to file the paperwork with the bank saying DPOA is now in effect and are concerned you should make them aware of her incapacity and see about putting a flag or something on the account that prevents your mom from doing anything without you.

Place a restraining order with the local police department.

Can the ALF restrict the neighbor from visiting? I don't see how a neighbor would have any legal standing to make decisions for your mother. You could certainly notify het that she is not to interfere with your and your mother's doctors' decisions about your mother's care, although that might not discourage her by itself. The neighbor may be entirely sincere and without ulterior motive in wanting to help her former neighbor, but unless she is the Responsible Party for your mother's care, these are not her decisions to make.

Well isn't that dandy? A 'concerned' neighbor who hasn't a CLUE about what's going on, yet is making appointments with lawyers to try to 'help' your mother who is suffering from dementia, deemed incompetent by two physicians, and placed in an ALF as a result. "As if" you were ABLE to place her WITHOUT the diagnosis from the doctor!

Have a strongly worded letter written up by the lawyer advising this nosy neighbor to cease & desist all actions immediately AND to stay away from your mother and the ALF she's living in.

Best of luck.

You do need to sit this neighbor down and explain that its nice that she worries about you Mom but she cannot interfer with whst you are trying to do for her. Two doctors have made ur POA effective. Mom needed to be in a safe place since her home was no longer safe. The neighbor is welcome to visit Mom but she is not to upset her with promises she will help her get out of the AL. If she can't do this, then you will need to ban her.

When my Mom entered the AL I was asked to make a list of people who could take her outside the building. No one should be allowed to take Mom out of the building without you giving permission. You also have the right to have the woman banned if need be.

Your mother may not be clearly agitated, paranoid and confused in her former neighbor's eyes. The neighbor may genuinely believe that your mother has been admitted to the nice ALF against your mother's wishes and prematurely; the neighbor would certainly be correct to believe that your mother is entitled to independent advice. Perhaps it's a pity that the lawyer who cancelled did not instead take the opportunity to give your mother reassurance about your decisions' having been made in her best interests, but there we are.

The best thing to do is to get the neighbor onside. Explain the declaration of incapacity, explain your authority, explain that your POA was *given* to you *by* your mother in order for you to protect her best interests. Treat the neighbor with openness and respect and with any luck you'll find her helping to pour oil on the troubled waters instead of stirring them up, and helping your mother to settle in her new home. Make her an ally.

There are also two Don'ts in your post.

Don't tell your mother the ALF is nice. She doesn't think so. She's entitled not to think so.

Don't block trustworthy, objective advisers. Of course you don't want false friends encouraging your mother to challenge her admission to the ALF and hiring dodgy lawyers. Of course not. But that doesn't mean you have anything to fear from genuine friends taking a genuine interest and checking that all is well. This too can work in your favour. If your mother currently sees you as the enemy she won't believe a word you say; but if her own circle get the point and have the time to go through it with her (over and again, sigh) your mother is more likely to be reassured.

A strongly-worded letter from an attorney can do wonders.

You are describing elder abuse.
Yes, you can address it. You SHOULD. You are POA.
Make it clear to the ALF she is not to visit and make it clear to her with a lawyer letter.
Tell the ALF she should not visit. Tell them to notify you if she does, and let them know what she has tried to do.
If this doesn't work, it is time for a lawyer and a "stay away order" from the court, telling the court what she is doing to a demented person, and the hurt and harm being done.
Do it today.