My mom passed away suddenly about a month ago. She had been dad's primary caregiver following several mini-strokes and he has mild impairment/dementia. Since her death, we three daughters have been taking turns staying with dad 2+ days at a time. This is geographically challenging for me and I am beginning to struggle working from his house. He smokes, the dog has ruined the rugs and they reek, just being here is stressing me out. I love my dad, I want to be helpful, but being in this house is suffocating. he doesn't talk-he never has been one to carry on a conversation with us daughters. I don't know how to be a caregiver to him and I'm experiencing serious anxiety when I am here with him and also when I go to my own home. As we all begin to accept the initial shock of losing our beloved mom, the reality of a long term caring situation for dad is sinking and I'm in a panic. If I "tap out" I'll be letting my sisters down. Any advice on getting past being youngest daughter and becoming caregiver?
Talk to your sisters, tell them what is happening with you. The three of you need to work as a team. Assign duties that everyone is comfortable in doing. Example, maybe your sisters prefer not to spend time grocery shopping for Dad, but you don't mind. Another example, maybe your sister rather not take Dad to his doctor appointments or to the barber, etc., but you don't mind. See where I am going with this.
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2) Get dad into assisted living or a nursing home asap ... there is no way you (even 3 of you) can care give 24/7 and I did it alone for four years. He'll be clean, fed and watched over by nurses 24/7. Do it for him!
3) Smoking: GA there's no way you can "demand" someone stop smoking any more than you can "demand" anything from anyone ... try that and you'll be kicked to the curb. Perhaps a smoke, a glass of wine or whatever is all these old frail folks have left to enjoy.. After a lifetime most can't give it up but a good NH will give him the patch and wean him off, or at least keep him comfy.
Just thoughts from someone who's been in the trenches forever.
If I were you, I would gather your sisters and share your frustrations and see if any other situation can be negotiated. His health problems and care needs will only increase in time.
However, your father's smoking is a danger to the health of each of you. You don't have to expose yourself to this. In this situation, I wouldn't be hesitant to demand that he stop smoking.
If your father is a social extrovert, he may enjoy a nursing home. If he has alzhiemer's ( I don't know how to spell it) the nursing home is the only option, the sooner the better. Sometimes the work involved with caregiving a nursing home patient is harder than home care. If you back out, you will regret it all your life. Good luck, we understand and are here for you.
If you or your sisters are not RNs, no way can you give your father the care he needs, with the current arrangement.
We had to let Mother continue to live alone, until she fell. Then, from the hospital, she was never able to return home. I feel your pain.
I have 2 brothers and a sister, but they all lived too far to help with Dad's care. I had to do it by myself. It was quite overwhelming at times, but I kept telling myself, "Dad took care of me when I was a child, so it's my turn to take care of Dad in his childlike state." That's really what kept me going for 9 years.
Since your Dad isn't a conversationalist, try getting him a portable CD player or MP3 player with music that he enjoys and let him listen to it through headphones. You will be surprised at how he will come alive with his kind of music. But you have to make sure the music you give him to listen to is music from his early adult years. Teenage and young adult music for his time. It works wonders!!
Thank your lucky stars that you have help from your sisters!! You can do this!
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