Two years ago my husband and I took his mother in. She was in extremely poor health and could not afford to really go anywhere else that was acceptable to the family.
She has never liked me, she considered me an immoral woman, who went to the wrong church. I figured since I wasn't marrying her and didn't have to live with her. She lived in TN at the time I lived in NY that I could deal with it.
Well now she's with us. Life is a constant argument over her Dr. instructed diet, and our lifestyle.
She is a bigot when no one is around to hear her accept my husband and I. She is two faced says one thing demands something else. Example hates swearing refuses to be in the room with family members because they swear too much but will watch a movie that swears from beginning to end.
My husband loves his mother and tries very hard to take care of all her needs. He's partially retired, I work full time. He is her primary care giver. She hates my cooking, refuses to eat the same things we do because she doesn't like it it's not her way of doing things.
It's a constant workaround here, the stress is awful.
He always tells me its her age, her expectation, he always has an excuse for her. As well as at times reminding me to be more gracious, and not be mean to her.
I need some help on how to cope with this.
(yes that was sarcasm, but it kind of seems perfectly sensible too)
Me, I would tell him it is either me or her, one of you needs to move out.
I can't tell you what to do, but, I can assure you that this situation is not going to get better, unless she is out of your life, she will never like you.
Sending support your way, keep posting it will help.
Im giving it thought.
I posted here hoping to relieve my frustration venting and to see if there are suggestions for coping.
Thank you
I planned a dinner all around this list of things she said she liked and could eat. She was given a plate she handed it back said she couldnt eat it.
Easter dinner, Thanksgiving dinner, everyday dinner. No matter if she mentioned it 5 minutes ago i ran in made it. She turns her nose up. She refuses to eat seafood, chicken, hamburger, and some days pork.
I buy the wrong hamburger she wants 75 15 i buy 80 20.
The bread isn't soft enough.
Shes on a high protein low salt diet. Ive been on a low salt diet for years. She cant eat cause not enough salt in her food.
Got to have specific brands of food or she wont eat.
Writes a list. We get the list. 60 to 70 percent ends up in trash.
Two years we are doing this.
This doesnt even touch the 50 extra dollars a month she watches in rented movies. Same movies all the time. We buy the movie to save money she no longer wants to watch it.
I do sometimes leave but that is what she wants to drive me from the house. From my house. She wouldnt be not bothered if my husband and i split.
Yes thank god for work
Thank you for responding
We looked for a home in TN for her but she doesnt have enough income and the conditions for a medicare bed were unacceptable.
Cranky senior. Maybe.
While i am happy to entertain reasons for her behavior i wish she was more gracious.
A cognitive test might be helpful. Thank you
I think you mean MedicAID bed? So what were those unacceptable conditions (and, yes, who are the "family" members that dictated this?)?
Does she contribute any $ to the household? Is your H her POA/HCPOA?
It may very well come down to you or her. And your H will choose...which one? Please continue to come to this site and share/update.
She only has social security. It goes to her health insurance, life insurance, and the rest is spent on either the things she wants or needs and saving for returning her to Tn when she passes.
When possible money is contributed to household.
Im not sure what the acronyms mean. Can you explain?
She cant clean or wont. There are so many other things going on ive not mentioned.
Im just at a loss if what to do.
Thank you though for the advice
Even by a stretch this is not a healthy relationship. Your husband appears to be codependent on his mother and his priorities are out of whack.
My father was a mama's boy, he lost one marriage to it, and the second turned out to be a nightmare, however, the 2nd wife had no backbone she just suffered in silence, finally taking her own life. So sad!
You matter too. This is YOUR home too. It is beyond time to have a heart-to-heart talk with your husband. While it's admirable for your husband to care for his mother, you should be the primary person in his life.
Start the conversation the being kind to him (and thus his mother). Come up with suggestions that would suit you and hopefully him and his mother, and that includes assisted living.
You wrote in response to Geaton777: " My husband is her only son living his brother died 9 years ago. The plan had been for her to live with him but things change. Course she reminds my husband hes not her other beloved son. My husband is convinced she wishes he had died." It sounds like your husband is trying overly hard (to the detriment of both of you) to change your MIL's mind about this appalling statement. You two have put yourselves in an unwinnable situation. Time for a huge change.
Also, it sounds like your MIL has her faculties. She needs to come up with a solution too. It's not all on you two. She SHOULD NOT have free reign to insult you and make your lives difficult.
If not, I'd take that long-term vacation from this stress by accepting your daughter's office (I'm sure you'd be a very good resident). Choose to take care of you. Choose to take care of your husband (if he's keeping your mother so she'd love him better). Enough's enough.
Please let us know how you're doing. *hug*
Best of luck!!