He has always been selfish, a commitment phobic, a snob that uses his moral compass as an excuse to act like a miser, always would get angry he has to do anything for anyone else, compares himself to everyone, including his 2 daughters and wife. I had to get my own corrective lenses, teach myself to drive and pay for all of my own personal items by the time I was 16 as it was just nonstop "no". After my mom died from cancer 23 years ago, which he forever complains about as he had to take care of her for 6 months, which was quite easy considering she slept the whole time on chemo, he sold the house, lived alone, never committed to marriage or relationship again as he said it sucked the life out of him that he never wanted to commit in the first place. My older sister has pretty bad ptsd from being in iraq as a military dentist, she never had kids, she does not live local. I have been a single mom to two teenagers with very little help from my dad or my sister as they both hate kids. After my dad retired he would disappear for 3 years at a time to go camping using this as an excuse to not be in relationships. His neighbors complain he never socializes, and gets angry if they are nosy, and I am friends with a neighbor as I live about 40 minutes away, and she keeps an eye on him. The last ten years I have noticed decline in memory barely spend time with him as he has become quite miserable, gives me a lot of guilt trips or has a million excuses or mean comments about why he does not have healthy relationships or compares himself to me pointing out how much smarter, wiser, luckier, entitled, harder working than me. He lives in a small old impractical house that is terrible for eldercare, and like all of his generation, refusing to sell or move or downsize or deal with their decline. The last year has gotten much worse as he is being exploited by a 68 year old woman who squatted in an estate for a few years, filled the estate with a bunch of hoarding, was finally evicted by the executor. I found out about this about a week ago as the woman called the police on my Dad as he was ignoring her for a day, which I was shocked as I have seen him ignore me and his only grandkids, his sister and my uncle and his parents for years because he is "tired." My dad cannot remember how to get anywhere without GPS telling him where to go or constant reminders, he never leaves the house, and I have seen him wandering in malls or parking lots trying to remember his car or my car or what he was doing there, this squatter texts him nonstop. During the last 6 month eviction this woman manipulates my dad for hours on end, she has her own mental issues, and the estate executor had her physically removed by the authorities, she manipulated my dad to be on premises up until last minute. The two of them take all day to move a bag, they are extremely dysfunctional. The last week or so I went to find them on the side of the road living like 2 homeless people where my dad sleeps in a uhaul van and she sleeps in a really old station wagon. My Dad spends the whole afternoon and evening yelling, arguing, getting angry with her, falling, wandering, dozing off, verbally abusing people so I reported both of them to elder abuse for mutual self neglect and abuse. I also called 911 every time a fall happened as I am a mandatory reporter. My dad is condescending, rude, gives me guilt trip, and refuses to go to the doctors with me. I called 911 a few times with the falls and wandering off and the driving around, getting lost, but as soon as they show up he tricks them into going away, he gets a glazed expression in his eyes like he enjoys all of this and they leave as they state he is too decisional and no crime has been committed. He also enjoyes telling me "you lost, I won." I did convince the woman to check into a woman's shelter, and since then he has ignored her demands as he has done to everyone else in his life. I have tried to help but at my wits end.
But there is good news for you anyway. It's now time to call APS and report your "sperm donor"(he's never actually been your dad)and let the state take over his care and him.
And never look back. You have done more than enough at this point, and you owe him NOTHING! As in NOTHING!
We don't get to pick our parents and like me you got the short end of the stick when it came to your a*****le sperm donor, and I'm sorry for that.
Time to cut ALL ties and get on with living and enjoying your life with your children.
Your sperm donor has made his bed and now he gets to lie in it. And I for one don't feel a bit sorry for him.
So first thing tomorrow morning call APS and get the ball rolling to get him on their radar and under their care.
He will not change, and in fact with
Alzheimer's on the scene things will get exponentially worse.
It's my recommendation that you leave your father to the state for guardianship so they can safely move him, sell his property for his care, and care for him.
Your father is currently helpless and in the throes of his disease.
You aren't and have free will as an adult to take care of yourself.
Guilt is inappropriate. You didn't cause your fathers mental and aging illnesses and you cannot fix them. Guilt requires causation, and there is nothing here that you caused or can fix. Your determination to stay in this mess is not going to make anyone happier, and it well may ruin your own life. You aren't a victim here unless you make yourself one.
Walk away. Call APS and let them know you have done so. Tell them you do not want anything to do with your father's care.
If the state doesn't intervene what's the worst that can happen? He may die in his Hoard? Because that may well happen no matter what ANYONE does.
You have no power her to do anything but move away out of this or sacrifice your life on his burning funeral pyre.
Get out of Dad's life. If you have to move 1,000 miles away to do so, then do it now. Tell the neighbor you are leaving. Recommend they call APS if they note a need. Not everything can be fixed. And Dad and his Hoard are, imho, way beyond help unless/until the state takes guardianship and places him in care.
You owe him nothing. He has been worse than a stranger to you per your narrative.
You aren't responsible for his happiness.
He is getting exactly the retirement he planned for (no plan, just chaos). This is not your problem. Let the professionals handle it.
Report him to APS. If no one is his PoA then a legal guardian will be assigned and family will be locked out of all accounts and even his residence. He will go into a facility and any monies from any estate will go to pay for his care. Is this better than him living on the streets with his wacko GF? But this is a solution so embrace it as such.
You will still be able to visit him to your heart's content. But why do so. The other woman... she's on her own.
I still appreciate the feedback that this is really that bad. I don't like denial or enabling of any kind. I am also not a quitter so I always have to confirm that someone else burnt the bridge, fired me or did not value me in their life so I had no choice but to try something else. I believe in courage, conviction, contribution and commitment, and when I see the person who brought me into this world acting out like Demented Scrooge on the street, I had to seek advice and I believe I came to the right place..
I greatly appreciate the honesty and advice.
Call APS . Let him become a ward of the state . Do not ask for guardianship , he’s too uncooperative . If guardianship is offered to you , refuse it .