I am the POA for my father in law and do not believe anything his caregiver says. He lives with his ex-wife and the household dynamics are horrible. There is no schedule or consistency. My father in law has mid stage dementia, and constantly says how great she takes care of him. She does wait on him hand and foot, makes him meals and that is about it! Oh, she is also very good at shopping! Every day she is off getting groceries. I will give her that. He is sick and doesn’t understand all the care he is missing. Important care. Showering, exercise, getting out of the house, socializing and mental health. He is 1/2 paralyzed on left side and needs walking assistance. She leaves him home alone for hours on end, and then cries when he falls. We have tried to make a schedule for her to have down time for herself as well as shopping for groceries, so he is with us and not alone! She constantly makes excuses or when we do take him, she doesn’t go get groceries. She will go out during the week, when we can’t take him! If we try to plan anything in advance, she sabotages it. Saying he is having a bad day, or diarrhea so he can’t go out! He fell twice in on day, and both times she was out and about, and left alone. He had an appointment with his PCP the next day! They went to the appointment and I joined by phone, from my work. Dr. Wanted him to have X-rays, because his back and hip hurt. Here we are 40 days later and she never took him! I had surgery myself so I could not assist. I asked repeatedly when she was taking him, and she said tomorrow. My husband and myself are so truly stressed out, and we need help!
”No, we WON’T EVEN THINK of letting you continue without some help. That’s just out of the question. In fact, we’ve already contacted a WONDERFUL AGENCY
and they have THE PERFECT AIDE”.
If your POA gives you that LEGAL RIGHT, GO FOR IT. Check the language in the POA, make the arrangements with the agency, done deal.
Evaluate her strengths and weaknesses and have her do what she is good at, then try to piece in the rest. Compare the resulting quality of life, safety, and expense with the alternatives.
He only falls in the daytime when she is out shopping? So, she is fine as the overnight shift caregiver? What other hours does she cover OK? Does she go out shopping before 8:00 a.m. or after 7:00 p.m.? What shifts can family cover?
That leaves you with the shift(s) you need coverage for. Will the additional caregiver(s) transport him to activities, appointments for therapy or lab work, in addition to providing assistance with bathing and other ADLs?
So, you might start with a helper who comes in after breakfast and stays until she comes back to fix lunch, maybe 8-12, then add another from 3-7. Even if she isn't back "on time" he wouldn't be alone for the length of time that he is now.
You also need to prepare an exit strategy. What is the plan for her when he can no longer live at home? Are her resources and income limited? Will she stay for a few months of transition and leave amicably? Will there be a final cash payment on move out?
I will add a final thought. If you are not paying her, she may feel less obligated to follow your directions. So her sense of obligation to him for providing room and board (and indulging her grocery shopping) may lead her to be less willing to nag him to do things he dislikes. The echoes from their marriage may also play a part.
have not read the whole post.. just the top line..
start looking for a better caregiver or call the agency and replace her....
sorry this one is not working out... I need someone better.
Some are marginally functional family or friends that fill in to the best of their limited ability while trying to support themselves on a patchwork of government, charity, and family support.
The person in need of caregiving may have formed a mutually beneficial arrangement with this caregiver that has worked for a period of time to give them the ability to stay in a version of their own home.
It can work .... until it doesn't.
Edited to add: My Dad had a similar situation. It had its frustrations, but we tried to respect and support the decisions he made while he was still able to. I think it gave him satisfaction to be her benefactor by paying the bills and occasionally contributing to her personal expenses.
Yes, time to involk your POA. She is an ex with no rights when it comes to his care. Its time to take over the finances and hire additional care. I like what Frebrowser said. Let Ex do what she likes, cooking and shopping, and hire someone to be their during the day. If ur Dad is midway into his Dementia, he should norpt be left alone.
What happens if you need to place him to her?
When or if he moves, get his personal possessions, photographs, papers, momentos, etc. out promptly. The ex/caregiver will probably do her best to retain the trailer and cover the rent, but she is unlikely to give you any warning when she is evicted. If he is on Medicaid none of his income will be available for bills.
I would guess that he would like to be reassured that you have not been ungenerous in leaving her with the household goods that he can't use in his new residence. It may allow him the relief of fantasizing that he can go home when he gets better.
Do not impulsively move him in with you. I'm sure you have had the opportunity to read about best practices and pitfalls here.