How do I deal with a mother who thinks I owe her for the time she took care of me?

Hello EssieMarie. This is my take on Your Question. Your Mother is 93 years and just let it go. Live a simpler and happy Life with Your Mom and let Your memories of Yer last year's together be happy ones. Treasure Your Mother while You have Her because I promise You will miss Her when She's gone. Please do not have any regrets because it will be all to late then. Share many beautiful tender moments together. Reassure Your Mom that You love Her and tell Her often because Your Mother loves You very much.
Me I Cared for my MaMa 24/7 for the last three years of Her Life, and I am so glad I did. It wasn't a question of me owing my Mother for all MaMa had done for me through out my Life, no I Cared for my beautiful Mother simply because I loved Her with all my Heart and I Pray every day that when the Lord does call me at Life's end that We will be together again.

Dear Wssie Marie: intruly sympathize with your feelings you are right about not asking to be brought into this world. What I would say is that her decision to have a child did, indeed give you life. To me tha responsibility on a parent's part is to raise that child from infancy to adulthood, providing not just the essentials of food and shelter, but to foster a loving bonded relationship. I hope your mother did that, but if your relationship has always been a contentious one, I feel so sorry for you. The other issue is one of doing what we possibly can to care for our fellow human beings. You should not feel guilty for wanting your own life. If there are financial resources, either your mother's or from other resources, use them as best you to provide the care your mom requires. Her negative comments and her expectations of you are unfair but I do fear they will worsen as her dementia increases. I loved and still love my husband so much, but his final years were so awful and I am in counseling to try and deal with the effects after his passing. But I chose that relationship. You truly need to find a counseling situation to help you deal with the guilt trips and to help you make some difficult decisions. Take care of your needs.

I can relate on so many levels. My children and I live with my father. At least once per week, when I do not give into his demands such as demanding (shouting) for breakfast before I get ready to go to work, he screams that its HIS HOUSE and I wouldnt be anywhere without him. He is the reason I have a job, education etc. He also acts like he is taking care of my children even though I work and provide whatever they need as I always have even before moving in with him. Like your mother, this behavior was present before Dementia. He has always treated me like an unwanted intruder. I can also relate to having a caregiver who feels like she is doing too much, when all she is doing no more than what she is asked. She has caused so much drama by instigating and inserting herself where she doesnt belong. As others have advised you, nip that in the bud ASAP or it will continue and get worse. If you can, place your mother in Assisted Living. Please take back your life. You deserve not to be stressed out each day. Hugs and positive vibes to you..this is not an easy journey.

My advice to you is look into getting your Mom into either adult day care, AL or a NH. The guilt trips need to stop. Parents are great travel agents for guilt trips, never forget that.

The process of placing a loved one with dementia is painful, full of guilt, but in the end it is necessary to either get full time in home help our seek out the best place possible to place your mom. I took care of my parents for yrs. being 1 mile from them (groceries,bills, laundry,meals,dressing,ect) as mom's dementia progresses she says some really hurtful & off the wall things! none of us are prepared for this type of relationship with our parents much less understanding how to react with love & patience as the caregiver. My mom is my heart we have always been best friends I feel such a huge loss not having our relationship like it was before dementia, I hated placing her but it was time. The mom I used to know has changed on me, to make a very long story short,, I found a place 10 min from me for her I am very hands on with her care!! Dr. and PA visits medications, showers, bruises, meals, ect. now I am a over seeing the care instead of responsible for care.You have to show up be involved let them know you check on her often it makes a lot of difference, Is it perfect,,, no but when there are bad times I can hug her make sure I am happy with her care then go home to unwind. I felt helpless before because I was so overwhelmed I was responsible for everything, I was not the best daughter I could & should have been, I simply didn't know how to respond to this new person in my life who was driving me nuts with this repetitive hurtful behavior mixed with a big guilt trip, now when I get frustrated with some of the things I still deal with it is easier to cope. I could not be a loving daughter when I was so resentful of being in charge of her care & trying so desperately to relate to this new person who invaded my mom's body. I had to keep reminding myself she can't help what's happening to her this woman saying these things is not my mom an illness has changed who she is. I think the biggest thing I have learned is that the mother I grew up with is still in there & she would never want me to be burdened or hurt & she would never put me on a guilt trip or want me sad. I also never want to feel so overwhelmed that I say things that are hurtful to her, she forgets but I don't. I don't try to rationalize or correct or explain to her things that are not factual or even make sense so yes I lie if it soothes her. she was with my Dad 71 years he passed in Nov.2018. I had them in the same facility she does not know he has passed, it would kill her she asks about him & we say when did you see him last she will say this morning or yesterday so I roll with that I tell her he is up at rehab since he fell(because that part was true once) If mom thinks we are little & she has to get home to us I say everyone is taken care of, sometimes she thinks there are 2 of me & little one needs someone to take care of her, once she forgot I was her daughter but remembered the next day, point being don't scold or correct unless she is hurting herself somehow,  being lost in your own head must be awful. I make up whatever makes her happy it comforts her & she will forget in a very short time be ready to answer the same questions over & over,,, if you hit the wall with your patience you can go home.This brain disease is a death sentence this behavior is a symptom of their disease no different than a cancer. This is a learning curve for sure but whatever she says to you remember SHE is not herself she won't remember she does not mean what she says, so try not to react to her words in a neg way, It will work out. If your mom says you owe her tell her she was the best mom ever even if you don't mean it, tell her you will always care for her the best you can, somedays will be better than others always remember that the Lord is always here for us he is involved he loves us, talk with him he will comfort both of you. God Bless you & your mom.

We had a caregiver like that for my mom, and it was in the very beginning if this process for us...for several weeks I put up with her because I was so new to the process, I thought she was being helpful. The day she told me she thought it was "sad" that I didn't bathe my own mother was the last day she set foot in our house. A caregiver dies NOT have the right to decide what you should or shouldn't do. Replace her, now, for your peace of mind.

As you said she told you this before she had dementia, I find her remarks to border verbal abuse. If that is her attitude, and belief, it sounds like she was not the kind of mother that every child deserves. Yes, it takes a lot of work to properly raise children, and it can be hurtful, aggrivating, and exhausting at times, but children are a gift and a blessing. Loving parents (which is what all children deserve) do not use their children for their own gain. I imagine you have been manipulated by her in more ways than you may be aware of. My children do not owe me anything. They have enriched my life immensely. It is a shame that you missed out on that kind of love. You don't owe her anything.

I wonder if the aide actually said that. My mother misinterpreted all sorts of things that were said to her after she developed dementia.

In any event, it's up to you, as an adult, to decide what you can and cannot do and for how long. You are a senior citizen yourself; being a full time caregiver is hard work. That's why there are three shifts of generally younger folks doing that work in nursing homes.

Your mother cannot "insist" upon you being her caregiver. You, however, CAN insist that you no longer wish to hold that job.

Beforehand her dementia these were probably fear-based statements more than personal attacks. Fear of who else would take care of her if you wouldn't; fear of being left alone. I wonder if you could arrange that caregiver to take your Mother to an adult day care herself or to lunch. Good luck!

I loved my Mom to the upmost and would do whatever was necessary because she did it for me but she demanded on assisted living to not be a burden on her children. I didn’t approve of it. Her fear was that her children would turn bitter eventually with caring for her. It makes me sad because some of us did become bitter and some didn’t, I was one who didn’t but I was the one farthest away and travelled at least twice a month to help care for her. I always wished I could have done more for her, but I did realize she was more happy and engaged there. My belief is that I as her child and family, “I” did owe her a decent quality of life at the “end of her life” just like she and my father gave me at the “beginning of my life” even though I didn’t ask to be born.

No one can “inflict guilt” on anyone who refuses to allow it.

What your mother said to BEFORE she had dementia is ENTIRELY DIFFERENT from what she now says WITH dementia, but YOUR management of YOUR reaction needs to be the same.
The comments of a person with dementia are NOT “insensitive” or “sensitive” or “hostile” or “loving” or any other LUCID comment. They RESULT from her illness.

It is jarring to me when my LO says something unexpectedly unkind, but I get over my distress about them quickly because I interpret them as having NO TRUTH OR MEANING.

It is time for you to make choices that allow you to be comfortable while dealing with her behavior.

Who is paying the inappropriately mouthy caregiver? Whoever pays her salary needs to inform her FIRMLY that she needs to do her job without offering ANY suggestions to her client about what YOU OR ANY OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS should do.

Yes, you do need to make yourself fully aware of resources available to your mom in terms of residential placement, including sites, financing etc.

Time to start thinking about managing YOUR self care in the most positive way possible while PLANNING for the best care you can for your mother. You’ve allowed yourself to be personalizing her erroneous comments for 10 years.

TIME TO STOP!

Have you considered assisted living or any other appropriate residence for her? If you can’t, or don’t want, for some reason, you could try to do something for yourself more often, just because you deserve a life. I know from experience that it’s easy to fall in the trap of thinking only about one thing, and forget all other alternatives. You owe to yourself to live your life

When you have a child, you have a "timeline" of progress. Terrible twos, the teen years, etc. But they grown and learn and become more independent. It's a 20-year process, give or take 2-3 years. They bring fun & youth to your life (hopefully). They go to school during the day, possibly day care, you can keep your job, friends, etc.

So....you take in your elderly parent. What's the timeline? What's the regression (there is no "progress")?. What's the price you will pay? Did you even expect this to happen, and what's next? What will you give up, and for how long? Until you are old or die?

Not a fair comparison.

Agree with other respondents. Set the caregiver straight before its too late. The longer you wait, the more entrenched your mother will feel you are obligated to take her out. The caregiver sounds like she wants to do less when with your mother or wants to go out herself. You may suggest the caregiver take your mom out. Shopping looking around in a store even a zoo. Most of these places have wheelchairs if that's a need.

Taking your mom out is up to you. Start small and work your way through how much time mom can be civil while out. Maybe a coffee shop after a doctor visit.
A walk around the block or back yard maybe.

You need to find things to break up your day and incorporate mom into them if you can. Then take the four hours breaks for yourself- alone time.

Tell the caregiver with the big mouth to stop telling her that should be taking her out. If she doesn't stop replace her. She should not be making things harder for you, that's NOT her job. Stand firm and tell her that.

I am very upfront so please don’t be upset. To those who will be mad about what I’m about to say....you do what’s right for you and I will do the same!
I was my Mom’s caregiver after she suffered a devastating stroke and then diagnosed with dementia. I did this until my health suffered and beyond. I have just placed her in assisted living. I did this FOR BOTH OF US! Her safety and mine.
Yes mom sacrificed for me and I love her for that. However, it was no longer a question of want but need. Do what is right for both of you. You do no one any good if you get hurt or suffer burn out(sounds like you are already there). People say we owe our parents and we do but in my opinion, you also owe yourself. You have to be healthy in order to help her. Healthy in all ways! Caregiving is hard work and yes it is work! No matter how much we love our parents, we also have to love ourselves and take care of us as well as them. By neglecting yourself, you take from her as well. You are important too.
My opinion only.

I’ll be honest. I understand all if this. It sounds like you’re burning out and you need to either increase the caregivers hours and find someone who can drive (I know, very hard to do) that you trust to be with your mom. . If, like me, there is no other family or friends and due to her age, you’re more frustrated. They don’t understand. I know my mom is 93 too, none of her friends can help. It only gets more isolating for you.

I assume you’re living with her. And I don’t have the answer. But you are important too. Try to get more help. From the family but if there really is no one, like me, and there’s funds try to use them.

….DEMENTIA.....You have a Blessed Heart....Forget what she says, God KNOWS YOU AMAZING.xxoo

"Hi Mum, it's EssieMarie!" Big smile, hold her hand. "Let's go have a (insert favorite drink) & look at the (insert garden, birds, nice sitting room)".

That's my plan. Somewhere close by so easy to visit. Short visits offen. Ready to slide out if mood is not receptive for another time.

Pass the care duties onto the professionals & just be a daughter. Enjoy just being a daughter again.

You have done a AMAZING job. Retirement age is 67 where I live! - please don't take offence!! But maybe time for a change? Promote yourself from hands-on worker to friendly companion.

Lastly, if not continuing to care for her at home if causing you guilt, try something like... I feel proud I could care for her at home for long, I am still caring for her but in this new way.

Best of luck with a transistion if that's what you choose.

I hear you

essie, hopefully it isn’t just venting and you’re finding a way to shift things for yourself! That’s just a child-brain talking, mine also was like that ‘before’ dementia but really, can we be sure how long ago their brains got altered?.
It’s very hard, and you’re at a milestone and need a change. I’m another vote for getting a counselor or support group, asap. Another voice echoing that caring does NOT mean having to BE the caregiver. It’s in the frame of each person’s life-long relationship with the elder and what they can do without losing their own psyche or life. I work on this every day, if I go down the crapper even ‘just’ emotionally then I’m not there for her. Yes speak directly to the one aide, consider the source of how you heard what she ‘said.’
The sooner you get more third-party care or a change in residence for your mom the sooner you can have the proper relationship - one of oversight and assurance. NOT so hands on, there are many forms of love and support besides that. My mother has had friends who she was always happier with than with me - they’ve passed away, but it proves that ‘strangers’ can be family too. I am tenuously bringing one into the fold now for pay, and I need that, Mom needs that. Praying she’ll be a good fit and can fill more duties and hours. GOOD luck essie, please don’t make this just a vent but a spur to action. 💐

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s obvious your mom is more concerned at meeting her wants and desires than keeping your relationship a priority. I have a friend whose mom went through what you are going through now. After seven years she finally got in touch with her estranged aunt who told her that her sister (my friend’s mother) had said years ago she would never do this to her kids as they had witnessed their own mother (my friend’s grandmother) go through this very same thing and yet here she was doing it anyway.

As people age, I notice they can become less like themselves when they’re good people and bad characteristics are often more profound. They can become selfish, self-centered, rude, reactionary, dramatic, unfair.

Its really clear we should NOT feel bad about saying no and setting boundaries but the parent child relationship makes it hard. In that same token though, as a parent it’s not always easy to say no to your kids. We/they do it because it would be insanity letting kids/teens/young adults guilt us into doing things that we know aren’t good for them OR us. So we should feel more strengthened in knowing the same applies to our parents who are cognitively challenged and whatever other issues they have.

Your mom will suck THE LIFE out of you if you let her. She doesn’t have it within her to make less demands but you have it in you to say when is enough.

Good luck! 😊

Fire the caregiver that is undermining you. Don't second guess that. Your mother has dementia -- that doesn't mean she isn't aware of how to push buttons, or manipulate, as you've found out. The caregiver likely needs the drama in her life and knows about these buttons to push. Don't buy into it! Get rid of this person today and the drama will subside.

Awwwww I'm sorry for your frustration. This may be hard to answer without you being offended. Ten years is a long time. What I wouldn't give to have the oppertunity to take care of my mom or dad for longer than the 3or 4 months that we did. I speak of my one older brother....we did share the responsibility....my father only lived until he was 53.....lung cancer. My mom 75. Liver cancer.
One thing is for sure dear, it's difficult to care for your mom especially when you feel you don't even want to do things for her or with her. Please do not feel so offended of words spoken or take personally the comments. I do this still for a living because first I want to. Your mom should be given the best of the best of what you can and there is available. Of you, of care and compassion, of foods, of time. I have seen both good and bad in these situations..... Believe me when I say some of the bad betweeen caregivers and facilities is scary. Think of yourself being 93....if you can....really visualize.....
You should not be doing this alone for sure. It takes a village.... I'm sorry if you are. Your mom is your mom. And if it's the only thing she can say to validate your taking care of her is you owe her well let's just say we kinda do....😉 after all our parents did go through some changes in their lives to have us bathe us feed us listen to us school us clothe us and put up with our antics..... To say the least.... But what I've found. Is they.... A lot feel opposite.... They really don't want that for us.... No matter what our occupation.... Our now family situations....you are the last person they would pick to do it....they love us. Gave us a begining of life... In some ways gave you your chance at having a child. Son or daughter.....they along with our grandparents gave us beginnings. You know. God first? For Some. Would you want someone else to do it to care for your mom? I would not. I felt bad for some of my residents who had family but they never came. We in fact gave them birthdays and Christmas .... Now that's 😥 sad. You should probably put her in God's hands.... Meaning what ever is the next step for her let it be the right thing to do. For all concerned 😟.....the guilt is worse later if you can't handle it now. Worse to the point of sickness. 10 years is a long time. Imagine it stops all of a sudden? Then what? There are many different factors into this. Many differences in the ways we live in what our purpose brings us to do. Love thy mother and the father with all your being.....if you cannot commit then let someone else do it ok. Be honest and true to your feelings ok.... Eventually....oh it's all going to be alright. And this too will pass..... Feeling your situation.... Wish I almost knew more. Feel free to contact me and leave message... God's blessings to you and yours........ Much love for it takes a bunch of it.

I want to say I feel your pain! My mother has been helping her mom out for such a long time and my grandma (94) is very insensitive to her. She seems to care more about her other children and yet expects my mom to do so many things for her. She doesn’t seem appreciative to my mom. So I just want to say I see your pain. Please hang in there!

You said in your other post that your mom would never forgive you for placing her in a facility. And my question to you, given that she continually manipulates and demeans you, why is that an issue? Why do you even care? You truly owe her nothing but yet here you are giving up your senior retirement years to care for someone who is ungrateful. I would suggest a bit of counseling to learn why you care about her feelings towards you and set boundaries. You’ve given up 10 years and it is truly OK to say...."my services are complete and it’s time for someone else to take over"..if mom complains then just say "yes, I know mom you’d like it your way but that’s not possible now. My doctor says I need to take care of myself". Or whatever you come up with. Don’t argue, be calm and just do it before you die first. She could live to be 100 realistically. You have to get over guilt and caring if you hurt her feelings.
Its hard enough to deal with dementia but when they are mean, demeaning and ungrateful it’s life draining and toxic. You have served your sentence.

I respectively dissent from the geneal tenor of views discussed to date to the pending question posed here.

I hesitate to go into further detail as I do not want to start a "fight" here. I too am a 24/7 person for my wife, and have been since open heart surgery caused extensive strokes to her and none of her four children (by a prior marriage) are willing to discuss "in-home" living. The operation took place a bit over four years ago.

I have given up my life's work as a lawyer to at all times be with my wife and to help her in any and every way I can. ( I am also divorced from my prior wife). I have lived with her in every situation involving some form of care and know that if the dementia is bad enough....and with my wife it is, and she has great problems staying on her feet and she will quickly fall and eventually break her pelvis or other bones and the absolutely need great institutional care at that point.

Yes, I do think children do OWE their disabled parent or parents MUCH. We saw our children though all that happened when they were growing up and we
should have a similar commitment to them in their times of need.

There are generally, in my view, almost always the ability to have a "team" that will assist the needy person, but it takes open and honest and face-to-face discussion to work out details in every respect.

The fact is that there is a national crisis going on in the United States. Many foreign countries do care about the elderly. Just watch lawyer advertising on the televison sets here in the good old USA, and you will see hords of lawyes descending on suing nursing homes and others for failure to properly take care of their residents! Are we all to just send our needy people somewhere and wait for the inevitable call that "MOM (or Dad) fell last night and is now in intensive care at some hospital?

I realize that us 24/7 folks need help too, and a lot of it, but that is a different and another need that needs open discussion and resolution.

I respect you all and know that those of you who can and will comment that my four years or so of 24/7 is VERY little and only qualifies me as a "NEWCOMER", and you have your right to do so, BUT, I have lived with my wife all the time and seen people being carried on in emergencies where they fell, and some came back with black and blue marks and some did not come back at all.

And, let the comments begin, or you better bar me from this wonderful resource that allows us to do what we are doing.

You did not ask to be born. That was her choice. You need to set boundaries and be firm. You need to speak to the caregiver and set the record straight. She should not be advising your mother of anything. Her job is physically assisting your mom with things she cannot do. You need time for respite. You can have her go to AdultCare during the day. You should reach out for support services thru Alzheimer's Association. You can also go to a therapist who can maybe guide you with some coping skills. I completely understand your situation because I am going thru the same, myself. I am the oldest of three. The middle child has given up on mom. Then the youngest decided mom is his personal bank. He exploited her financially until he mom was in the red at the bank due to overdraft fees. I lived in another state and decided to bring her with me. Bad decision because it has been a nightmare.

First I would be firing that caregiver who lacks insight into the problems she is creating. The NERVE! I know it's easier said than done, because I try as well...to remember it is a brain disease in addition to reflecting the generation we are dealing with. Doing things for others is not burdensome when we love the person. When we don't and the relationship is antagonistic, it's a struggle. I am trying to deal with the thought of the potential legal consequences and financial implications because my competent father feels daughters/family should be there for each other. So all that I do is expected, yet half the estate at this moment will be left to my out of state sibling who has never lifted a finger. I am exhausted and worn out from it all. In the end the only one who will look out for you is you. So do what you need to.

Essie has another post going. I have asked her to post to this entry since no one has answered to the last one.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/who-can-i-contact-for-mom-to-be-placed-in-a-safe-facility-if-im-unable-to-do-this-alone-448657.htm