So my emotionally abusive father passed one year ago this week. I’ve spent over a year with my mom who is 74 yo since his passing either at my home in New England or her home in California. 365 days non-stop. She’s under a drs care and has suffered for years with depression, anxiety and PTSD. We flew out to Cali for 4 months to settle her cars and home and pack up to come back East. Throughout this year, she has taken out so much anger on me while I handle everything from bills to layers to drs and the selling, packing and moving of their house. She’s pushed me a few times, called me a bitch because her dr told her to let me handle things (and she said I looked smug) all while I’ve worked a full time job and tried to answer her every need. She’s become very forgetful and her hearing is going and add in the confusion that really kicked up once my dad passed and she is very hard to deal with. I managed to get her to agree to trade in her cars for a new one and sell the house and then drove us back East to my house. Threw her a wonderful Thanksgiving and Christmas and showered her with gifts with my husband and a few days later she is making remarks and miserable again. We also just got a new puppy and she disagrees with how we are training him (thinks the crate is mean) and makes a fuss about that too. She wants to take him out but I tell her he is too hard to handle right now and that makes her sulk because she thinks I think she’s “stupid” (her words not mine.) Then she gets annoyed that my husband is in the family room as she feels like she can’t be there too so she goes and sulks in her room. I overheard her tell
her sister she hopes he has a business trip soon so she can “have a break”. But it’s his house!! And he has been amazing to her and helps me when he can. It’s just been too much and I would give her the heart from my chest but I’m at the point where I have no more fuse and fly off the handle with any little comment she makes now. I’m tired of the victim attitude and negativity about everything and she doesn’t understand I need a break and that my anger is because of her attitude. She wants to look for her own place and I worry she cannot live alone but am at the point where I’m losing my mind as I always have to tell her where I’m going and when I’m eating and where my husband went for 2 minutes because she has to know. I used to be very independent before my dad passed and this plus Covid has me nuts. I just shake when she starts with the attitude because I can’t hold it in anymore. Soon as Covid lets up a bit, we plan to try and find her a place to live nearby but then the rent is so high that she complains about that too. I am at my wits end and my husband sees me unraveling day by day plus I’ve not grieved for my dad or my dog that I lost last year as well. It’s just too much and I’m wondering if anyone has any advice on how to go forward aside from “find her a place, go see a therapist yourself or stop feeling guilty”. I even feel guilty writing about her this way because she’s lost her partner in life and her home. Then just last night she gifted me $1000 for all my help in selling a lot of their things and doing all her bills and everything else. I told her I didn’t want it but appreciate it and that I worked so hard for her to enjoy the money. So she appreciates me but doesn’t realize her own attitude is what makes me crazy. Then in two days she’ll say she’s broke. Any help is appreciated. Tia.
Get her a therapist she likes, and let her go alone. She will never change her personality or outlook, she is who she is. It seems was dependent on your father for most of her adult life, even though it may have been abusive or not healthy. Most likely she is feeling a bit "trapped" in a home that's not hers, with rules that she can't relate to, with people she loves but would rather not live with. Although she knows it's coming, she is frightened of losing her independence. It really is quite understandable. Please know that I also take care of my mom, and can relate to some of these issues, but my mom is 98 with moderate dementia, so assisted living isn't an option for her. Take it from me, I have lost many years of peace of mind (and strain on my husband who is a saint) trying to anticipate and satisfy her every need. It's an impossible job.. Get at least some of your life back for the time being while your mom is well enough to live alone.
She needs to take control of her life. Your therapist gave you good advice!
I am sorry for the loss of your dad and the loss of your dog.
Enjoy your new puppy!
You mentioned in your profile that your dad had narcissistic behavior and your mom has a variety of issues, including ALZ.
You sound frustrated and exhausted which is completely understandable.
I looked after my mom after my dad died too. It’s hard. We do all that we can and somehow it never seems like it’s enough for them.
I got tired of banging my head against a brick wall. I suspect if you aren’t quite at that point you will get there soon. I am no longer my mother’s caregiver.
Why not stop being as involved in your mom’s life now, rather than wait until it becomes worse?
Judging by what you have written I doubt that the situation will get better.
Your mom won’t adapt to living with you on your terms.
Her behavior is always going to be unnerving. She’s used to doing things her way.
Chances are she wouldn’t push other people’s buttons like she does yours. So allow her to live in an assisted living facility near your home.
Don’t be as concerned about your mom’s feelings or reactions. Be more concerned about what will improve her situation. Such as a safe place for her to live.
Then you can resume your life with your husband.
Best wishes to you and your family.
That is not your job.
Fixing her marriage wasn't your job. Providing her with breaks from an abusive husband wasnt your job. The loss of your father wasn't of your doing.
It sounds as though your mother has groomed you from an early age to be her "fixer" and to feel guilty when there were things you couldn't fix.
Yes, you need to see a therapist. It is MOM's job to find herslef a place to live and a new shrink.
I guess I have experience with some of what you are going through. I know you want to help your mom out and are concerned about her. Did she want to leave California? If yes, does she miss it now?
I wonder if part of this is too much change too soon. Or if part of this is guilt. I often wished my husband would pass away due to the abuse I suffered from him. When it happened, I felt relief but also deep shame about my wish coming true. I don’t feel that anymore. It took time to work through it.
This isn’t to excuse your mom’s abuse and control issues. That’s not acceptable under any circumstances. It’s not going to change for some time.
She can take care of herself. Let her live somewhere else near you or back in California. It may not be for always, but it sounds like you and she need your own places.
Hope it works out.
For years I wished my dad would let her come back here and live. I just wanted him to “leave her alone” and sometimes just go away. Now I feel so guilty. Like I wished him away, which has made her miserable and as a result, took my life, freedom and independence away as well. I was so upset how much he would yell at her it made me so nervous to be so far away for so many years when they lived on the West coast. Always had their police station number not far away. It was not a god way to live with half my brain worrying and there for 18 years. Now she’s back, which she said she wanted for so long and she’s so miserable I just feel like it’s lose-lose-lose no matter what. It’s exhausting and no matter how much sleep I get, my soul is just tired.
Glad to hear you’ve healed from your abuse. I know my mom and I have quite a way to go. Hugs to you.
If one parent has been totally unreasonable, why should the child not know why? The child certainly knows about the impact on their own life! But there is a difference between having an understanding, and being drawn into the problem, over and over again.
You have a good idea of at least some of what went on between your parents. You tried hard to support your mother when she took a break with you, to give her a good time away from your difficult father. Well done! Now your father is dead, and she doesn’t need that break. You can’t make up to her for the hard time she had in the past, she shouldn’t be taking out her anger on you, and you shouldn’t tolerate it. She is young enough to make a good life for herself now, it's her responsibility, and that’s what should be happening.
It's one thing to say "We had an argument". It's another to cry to your daughter on the phone and want sympathy and assurance she's being abused.
Of course children should know why their parents split up. That is when the parent sits the children down and explains just that, in as neutral a way possible. No trash-talking, no taking sides, no implying they must choose to love mom OR dad, but not both. Explaining why things couldn't be worked out. And assuring the children that it is not their fault. Even adult children. A friend of mine had parents who didn't divorce until she was away at college. She knew something was wrong, but then felt terrible, because she worried they'd stayed in a miserable marriage solely because of her.
I have said many times that being elderly does not give someone a free pass to behave abusively and to bully anyone else. This is truth.
Suggest she start going to therapy to help with her depression and let that be the end of it. When she starts up with the negativity walk away and completely ignore her for a time. I don't know if she's like my mother who will pick a fight and when she doesn't get one with me will work herself up into an anxiety/panic attack to get attention. I totally ignore that and walk away. The behavior has decreased considerably since I started handling it this way. You are the person helping your mom as I am the one helping mine as well. The only way she will start showing any respect towards you is if you demand it by standing up for yourself and ignoring her when she starts up with the bad behavior. When she gets physically abusive and pushes you, push her back. I can all but guarantee she will never get physically abusive with you again.
You are not a doormat to be stepped upon because a person is feeling low or depressed. You are not a slave who has to tolerate snide bullying and abuse from your mother. You do not owe her anything. You and your husband are doing right by her out of love and because you want to. Not because you have to.
This being said you have to love and do right by yourself too. You will not be able to help her and keep a loving relationship if you allow her to wear you down to the point that she breaks you. This will happen if you continue allowing her to treat you with no respect. Everyone has a breaking point and it's very easy for elders to bring even the most patient and loving of people to theirs. Don't let your mother's behavior towards you bring you to your breaking point. Good luck.
Can I recommend that you find a geriatric doctor for your mom. They will be able to help you know what is happening with her. Stress can cause dementia like symptoms and it sounds like she lived under a tremendous amount of stress. You just want to know what the reality is so you can help her where she is.
I also recommend buying her a soft bat, nerf like, and rig up a punching bag type thing, throw pillows are great hanging from a rafter on the patio and tell her that she needs to go take her anger out on the bag. I would have a pillowcase printed with dads face and have her say everything that she needs to say and never could while she whacked away. It helps to have a safe outlet for all the suppressed emotions and it sounds like she has lots.
It is also okay to tell her to be nice and that she is speaking, behaving inappropriately and it is not okay, then walk away and don't engage in the ugliness. She will get the point that you will not be her scratching post.
If the geriatric doctor determines that she can live alone it is a good idea to find a senior complex that has activities so she can make friends her own age and spread her wings without her husband clipping them.
Best of luck, such a difficult situation to become the parent to a parent. She is blessed to have you.
No. Nope. You're not here to replace your dad or repair the damage he did. You will never be able to fill the void or heal her. She has to do that herself, and at her age it sounds like she's not inclined to change. She's lived this way for so long. Now she knows she can say whatever mean things she wants and treat you terribly, getting away with actions she likely couldn't with your father. You're now her emotional and verbal punching bag. This does not help you or her.
She should not have told you about her marriage problems. That was between them and it's manipulative to involve a child-- yes, even an adult child-- in their relationship issues. This is actually a tactic of narcissistic mothers, to get their child to sympathize with them and become their ally. Google "narcissistic moms" and see how similar the stories are.
You say she appreciates you. I think deep down you know this is not true. She doesn't appreciate you if her actions and words say otherwise. You could wait on her hand and foot 24/7 and give her bricks of cash, and she'd still be upset about something you did. You WANT her to appreciate and love you so badly! Who doesn't want their mom's love? Problem is, she doesn't treat you as a caring daughter who helps her. Because that is not how she sees you. You're not her daughter; you're her husband, part two.
She’d come to see me twice a year (it’s all my dad would allow) and when she did, I’d make it full
of yummy food, restaurants, trips to Aruba and concerts of her favorite singers. I always wanted to be her refuge from his tirades. I always worried what was happening in CA as I was so far away. I know she used to taunt him sometimes. Mostly though he would just unleash on her. That’s why I feel horrible not helping her however I can. But, I’m at the point where I’ve left my freedom behind and I think that, coupled with how much I’ve done for her this year and how much anger she’s directed towards me while doing all that for her - is why my fuse is non existent at this point in time.
Your mother is not going to change.
So the question now is, are YOU going to change?
Because if not, welcome to your new life as a slave. A willing slave, because you are willingly signing up to serve in this manner.
You have even put up the roadblocks of not wanting the advice that will help you most, the first being placement and the second being therapy to look at the choices you are making and examine why you are making them.
Cruel parents teach their children that they are worthless. ALWAYS worthless. They do this so that they can control and mold the child to do their bidding without question. I think that you are smart enough to recognize the truth of that. In fact there is no question in my mind about that.
So I will basically tell you that you already knew every single thing I just said to you. Now you will have the choice to change your life or continue on the path you have chosen. You have already walked it a good long way.
Don't accept gifting from your mother; accept handling POA for financial as being paid; take the payment and record it faithfully and fully in your financial accounts you do for your mother; report it to the IRS. Then should your mother need aid of any kind in future money will not be called into question.
No one can make your choices. You will have to make them. Be clear that they are CHOICES. You are not a martyr tied to a stake.
I wish you the very best. I hope you will consider this new year as a way to change your life moving forward.
You can say no about her living with you from here on out. You really can.
I’d suggest that you stop trying to be responsible for mother, and let her take responsibility for her own decisions. Give her a time limit to find somewhere else to go, give her some suggestions about agencies that can help her to work things out, and stick to your guns. She is young enough to make her own decisions, and young enough to live for another 25 years with behavior that gets worse for you all that time.
It’s hard to stop trying to help, but think about it very very carefully.
Just because your mother is riddled with anxiety, depression, anger and PTSD doesn't give her the right to treat YOU badly. She doesn't get a free pass because she's your mother, nope.
That said, I suggest you get you mother OUT of your house as soon as humanly possible. No guilt, no looking back.....just recognize that its not working out and make the move while your relationship is still intact. Otherwise, you'll start losing your cool more and more and THAT'S when the FOG gets too thick to see clearly thru. FOG=fear obligation and guilt.
I recommend you find mom a senior living complex with a continuum of care available. She starts out in Independent Living in her own apartment, then moves to Assisted Living or Memory Care or Skilled Nursing as needed. That's your best bet. From the description of your mothers behaviors, it sounds like she could be starting some cognitive decline. If so, and she gets into a senior community with continuum of care, you'll feel good that if/when/as she declines, care options WILL be available.
I've had my mother in Assisted Living and now Memory Care in the same place since 2014. I could never in a million years have her living with me and I recognize and accept my stand on that matter. We are oil and water, she and I, so the only way to preserve any semblance of a relationship is to live separate lives. I still manage her entire life for her, it's just from 4 miles away.
Wishing you the best of luck deciding what's best for YOU and your husband, first and foremost, and then for your mother.