How do I distance myself emotionally and still retain my humanity?
You've all heard me whine before. Backstory: Mom is a 92-year-old with mixed dementia, mid-stage, with narcissistic personality disorder. The dementia was diagnosed 1-1/2 years ago but symptoms observed for 9 or 10 years. Mom received extensive testing from a neuropsychologist and staged 5 - 6. Dad was ill, in denial of Mom's dementia, and both refused help. Dad passed about the time of Mom's diagnosis when we placed her in memory care, which she hates. I am her POA and primary caregiver, though sis helps enormously. Mom sees me as the scapegoat demon child ever since I refused to be her primary source of narcissistic supply. I am nothing to her but an occasional means to get what she wants and the source of all her problems. She does not love me and has told me so. Her toxicity forced me to adopt a low-contact strategy to preserve health and sanity. Friends here encouraged me to emotionally distance myself. Excellent advice.
Here's my dilemma: In distancing myself emotionally I seem to have lost my compassion. Don't get me wrong. I see to her needs (Dr. appointments primarily), everything else from a distance if at all possible. Wonderful sis takes up the slack in furnishing outings, visits on a regular basis. Mom is less hateful with sis. Mom's endless complaints hit my armor and bounce off. They make you wait 30 minutes for breakfast? Too bad. Is the coffee weak? Oh, well. Are you bored, despite a minimum of 2-3 outings a week of going to church or taken out by myself or sis, or facility-provided bus outings)? Cry me a river. She's never satisfied and always a victim. Craves pity and attention. Totally self-absorbed; emotionally a 2-year-old.
In distancing myself, I feel better. Blood pressure has gone down. Sleeplessness abated. Anxiety-related health issues improved. But I hate myself for being so cold hearted. I feel no compassion. (Mom was forever and always manipulative, self absorbed, and abusive, compounded now by dementia.) Sometimes I hate myself for wishing she would die. I'm afraid if I soften my heart toward her, the anxiety-related health problems will return. Does it all have to be one way or the other? Help
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Sounds to me that you are being very patient. Your mother sounds a nasty person to be around - it is only human to be repelled by selfishness. But you DO the right thing.
I'm recovering from a lifetime of parenting my mother. Any dysfunction a child lives with from birth feels "normal," and healthy self-preservation just doesn't, until the "child" sees the dysfunction for what it is.
Mom is sick and will never recover. I'm getting well.
Can't, if you saw a kid abusing a dog, wouldn't you take the dog away to save him? Of course you would.
What if later on you saw the same kid fall and scrape his knee, wouldn't you help him? Of course you would.
So you haven't lost your compassion. Neither for the abusive kid nor as a human being. Right? But would you then give the dog back to the boy? No way.
So how is it different if you remove yourself from Mom's abuse, yet continue to take care of her while she's sick, and unable to care for herself?
Also, I wouldn't beat myself up over resenting Mom and not liking her. Hell she's not likeable! And it's about time you put yourself first. You finally see your worth more then that. (And a 🐕 dog)
Here's something to think about when the guilt starts....
Why is it that you wouldn't think twice about rescuing and protecting a dog. But when you do it for YOURSELF, you think there's something wrong with that.....and you.
No.
Self preservation & self care are very healthy mindsets. You are A-OKAY!! 💖🌷🌼🤗
You can care for someone but in the end if they are toxic it is sometimes necessary to keep your emotional distance for your own sanity.
I think I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that my mother is not capable and never has been really, of loving me like a "normal" mom. She sees me as someone to run her errands, meet her needs, and take care of HER. No real consideration for my needs, those of my kids (her grandkids), etc. She is an emotional vampire in a very real sense.
I think for years I tried to "fix" or "save" mom. I thought, if I did this, or that, or was a "better" daughter, she might get better and be the mom I never had.
Sadly, it's not been that way, and in all likelihood won't be. I do what I can for her, partly because I do care, partly out of a sense of obligation, and partly out of pity, because she IS sick, and I really don't think she has any awareness as to how she is. But I do what I feel I can do, and I set limits with her. One being that I could not care for her long-term in my home. Mom cries to come back home with me to my house.
I do still struggle with guilt sometimes, but then I remember how she was here, and what my family and I had to deal with, and I remember that I made a good choice.
Stay strong. Just because you set limits with your mom doesn't mean you don't care. It just means you said enough is enough.