How do I enjoy a 4-day vacation over Thanksgiving without feeling guilty over not visiting my mother in AL?

Go and take your short vacation. There should be no guilt in this. Visit her prior to leaving, wish her a happy Thanksgiving and let her know you will see her soon. Two miles away, I am sure you are there frequently! Although she has a horrible disease, you still have a life to live. She is receiving skilled care around the clock. She is safe and cared for. If you stop your life, your unhappiness will do nothing to help her situation. Please take your vacation with your husband and enjoy yourselves.

Go to your mountain home for Thanksgiving and respite, else you'll experience burnout. You need this time.

"Some days I feel as if this disease is destroying both of us."

You are over identifying with her disease and are making your happiness dependent upon her's. Please don't let it destroy both of you. If you find this hard to separate, then you may find a therapist helpful to make this important transition.

Once my mom resided in a NH, we never celebrated actual Thanksgiving with her. The facility had a big to-do on Thanksgiving. We would organize a family party for the following weekend and have a second Thanksgiving feast. Worked out really well.

What you are feeling is feelings of what it used to be like to spend thanksgiving with your mom and wishing it were still so. And that by staying with her it will somehow fill that void. But sadly it won’t. By your own admission she doesn’t remember your visits and on top of that Thanksgiving actually is just another day to her. Your are projecting your feelings onto her. Last year I decided I would head to my sister's home for Thanksgiving and leave dad in his NH as he can no longer travel. We never spent every holiday together anyway, but since he moved near me we would. But this disease has changed all that. I have to live my life and that means having Thanksgiving with my family out of town. Same as for Christmas. Last year we came over to be with him and it was awful. He never even smiled at us. This year, I’ll be heading to my sister's home again as we too don’t have children. So go enjoy your life. Remember your mom had lots of thanksgivings in her past that she was aware of and enjoyed. You can’t change what this disease has done to her. So somehow you’ve told yourself you are responsible for her Thanksgiving. Nonsense. Please go...you only live once and time is passing quickly.

You need to go and relax and get some rest. They will take good care of her and if she was able to understand she would be the first one to tell you to go.

I would feel guilty if I spent a whole vacation with my hubby and neglected him!

Your mom is well-cared for. You see her often and make sure she is well-cared for. Spend time nurturing your marriage and yourself. Those relationships also need your care.

Go on your trip! Do not feel guilty. You know that you deserve to have time to yourself. With your hubby. Your mom is taken care of. She will not know.

Do not let her disease destroy you. You MUST give yourself permission to take care of yourself!!!

If it makes you feel better, tell the facility you will be gone from X to Y and do it. And plan on doing it again. Having her in a facility is an opportunity for you to start living your life again instead of being quite so heavily invested in care taking.

Simply GO and make it your mission to enjoy nature, your husband, and a change of pace. Your mom is clueless as to the "holiday" so support your own happiness.
Guilt is a choice.

Guilt is for when you murder someone. Guilt is for when you steal from folks. Guilt means that you INTENTIONALLY and with malice a thought, chose to do something evil to someone.
You need to change you semantics about this. Change the way you speak to yourself about it all. You need to change it because after you give yourself your daily "beating myself up" talk, you end it with "Why am I DOING this to myself. What's the MATTER with me".
As long as you continue to stir this stew of self recriminations it will simmer on the heat.
How about "I am a human being, and I have limitations".
How about "The thing about Saints is, as much as we love them, they end shot full of arrows and spending eternity trying to answer everyone's prayers".
How about "I deserve this, and so does the rest of the family, so I am going to do it and I am going to love it, and sure, I will have a few moments in which I feel bad, as well".
We can tell you all of this. And that is what we will do if you post it here. But you know, my guess is that you really are a decent person. I don't know a whole lot of psychopaths and narcissists who are sitting about tormenting themselves. You can do this for yourself.
Stay mindful. Stay in this moment of this day. Don't go back to all the pain. Don't go forward to the pain you imagine (it will be here soon enough, hee hee).
Please, hon. Do go. Please have fun. You know, there isn't a WORD, not a single word I wrote above, that you don't already know.

Good morning, AbbyRose,

I just came back from a six day trip to the North Carolina mountains. Beautiful! The opportunity for the trip just fell in my lap unexpectedly. I, too, worried about going especially since my father had recently died, and I was spending almost every evening with my mother who had been his roommate in the nursing home.

Could you arrange to have someone come in to be with your mother during your vacation - perhaps from your church or even pay for a professional companion to come in and report to you daily or not at all? Just knowing that your mother had a daily visitor might help you. My family was so happy that I was going on vacation that they all stepped in to fill the void of my not being there. I realize that you are your mothers’s only visitor, but this could be an opportunity for you to set up caregiver visits that could continue even after you returned,

As I was writing this, I thought about the guilt you are feeling. As so often happens, we sometimes confuse our emotions. As I recall my feelings prior to my trip, I did not feel guilty about going on the trip, but I did feel very anxious because I knew that I was a big part of my mother’s life and I was worried about how she was going to do without me. Could you be confusing guilt with anxiety? You are understandably anxious about leaving your mother as she gets no other visitors. Please look into getting someone in to take the place of your visits. You could look at it as respite care. You are a caregiver that has been dutifully seeing to your mother’s needs who is now going on a much-needed vacation with your husband. Even though your mother’s physical needs are being cared for in a facility, you are going to provide “respite” care for her emotional and social needs. You have plenty of time to set this up. You could even start it the week before. We used Home Instead for many years when we were taking care of my parents at home, but I have heard others speak positively about Visiting Angels.

Something else that greatly helped me to enjoy my time away was the realization that I had taken on, personally, too much of the responsibility of my mother’s wellbeing. I had to remind myself that my mother had a God, and I was not it. I prayed with her before I left and I left her in God’s hands - not mine, and I trusted Him to take care of her while I was gone. What a relief, both emotional and physical, this was!
I told my friend on the drive back that it was remarkable how well I had slept during my stay. I prayed for my mother at night knowing Someone else was taking care of my mother and I could sleep in peace. I have been mostly managing to continue this mindset since I returned. We can become so enmeshed with the vulnerable person that we are taking care of that we take on a position in their life that no human can possibly sustain - or should they!

I pray that you have a relaxing and wonderful time with your husband in your mountain home. It sounds delightful! Go hiking, if possible, and allow your body and spirit to be renewed and strengthened, which will benefit not only you but your mother also.

For a different set of reasons I’m not seeing my dad this Thanksgiving. I’m also quite sad over it. I also realize that I have a family and a life to live. My dad has to be a welcome part of my life, but not my whole life. Some days that’s easier than others. Your Thanksgiving plans sound wonderful, you’ve provided well for your mom and made sure you can be reached, I hope you’ll have a great time and come back refreshed

I have been exactly where you are. I know the guilt. But I'm happy to report that I recently took a 6 day road trip with 3 gal pals to New Mexico and it didn't phase mom whatsoever. She was safe, a good pal stopped in and visited her, and all was just fine. I will join the chorus. Go!

Try celebrating Thanksgiving with her a few days before you leave for your mountain home vacation. She may not remember, but you will. I believe it will make you feel better and feel less guilty. I would keep in touch with her, a call in the morning, or/ and at night. Let her know you will be back soon.

You’ve received wonderful advice that I can’t add to. I will say that I went crazy without a break, 24/7 365. I am so glad that you don’t have that situation. Let’s be honest, even without that situation it’s tough.

I just wanted to echo what others have said, GO! Enjoy yourself. Take pictures. Build happy memories. Spending so many years caring for my mom, I foolishly cheated myself and husband out of time that we needed for ourselves. Please don’t be as stupid as I was because you can’t get that time back.

Let the AL facility know you need a break, and to only call either your husband's phone number or preferably a friend, friend of your mothers or sibling (even if they live far away) willing to screen calls) if is something only you need to be there for. e.g. a fall where your mum has no or only minor injuries could be dealt with by the AL facility and you told when you get back, your mum upset for a few hours = she may be fine before you rush back. Then turn off your phone and leave it at home for four days (to resisit any temptation to check it - if necessary get the cheapest prepay phone (with a new number) to have with you if you need one to contact your husband over the four days while out by yourself) as I have found I can not relax while feeling on call 24/7, and everytime my phone rings I think what now! Your husband knows you well and can make a judgement call about any calls he gets and decide what to tell you. I had someone do this for me for three days, and it really made a difference to my taking a break which I needed at the time. As for not being there on the day, instead visit your mum after your holiday and say "Happy Thanksgiving" if she says it was days ago say "was it, I must of got the day wrong, but I'm here now for you".

I think the guilt we feel comes from the need and desire to do something about what goes on with Alzheimer's. Visiting with her, spending Thanksgiving with her would at least seem to you that you were there for her. Maybe think of your vacation as for her - renewing yourself in order to continue being there for her, not only for your own good, but for hers as well. Return with wonderful stories of the mountains.

+1 agree with other posters - go.

As Isthisrealyreal said "I would find a way to celebrate Thanksgiving with her before you leave". Excellent, yes, do both.

That's the practical stuff sorted! The feelings are harder imo.

What are your thoughts around the guilt? She shouldn't be left alone on a holiday? That you should celebrate with her? That others may judge you?

I've certainly felt all this. I tried to change my thoughts to something like: I am a thoughtful loving daughter who came to celebrate early, as a compromise around everyone's needs, Mother, Husband & self. It's slowly working .

My guess? It’s not the Thanksgiving plans that are bothering you, so much as the sadness of your mom going through this disease. And you have every right to feel sad and mourn the ‘mental death’ of your mom. Holiday or no, you’ll still be sad. That’s okay.

The disease that is slowly taking your mother cannot and must not take you with her! Wouldn’t your mother want you to enjoy your life and holiday? If she knew the guilt you are feeling... would it upset her knowing she is the reason for it? Anyone who loves you would feel terrible if they made you feel bad, even if it wasn’t on purpose. Don’t let your mother be that source of hurt. Hope that makes s sense :).

Oh please, you need this get away. Mom will have no idea you are even gone. Her days are just running into each other at this time. She is safe and cared for. You won't be able to enjoy the weekend if you feel guilty. The AL will have a nice dinner for the residents. Maybe before you leave and u can have it with her.

If the guilt is because Mom is being left behind, please know it would not be any vacation with her there. At her stage, taking her out of what is familiar will not be good. If the AL is fairly new, she needs a while to adjust. You would need to toilet her, dress and bathe her, etc. What kind of "get away" is that. You and DH need time alone. He is your priority this weekend. ENJOY IT!

I would find a way to celebrate Thanksgiving with her before you leave, a turkey sandwich and stuffing, a piece of pumpkin pie or whatever she enjoys from the Thanksgiving dinner menu.

Make it about being thankful that she is able to have 1 more meal with you, enjoy it, then head out for a fun Thanksgiving with your husband.

I wouldn't call her, I wouldn't think about her, I wouldn't worry about her. She will be okay and the facility will call you in an emergency.

Enjoy this mini holiday with your husband and know that she is being well cared for and would understand that you are having some honey time, if she was able.

When we feel guilty it is counterproductive and it is a waste of energy. When we are well balanced and do the best we can for our loved one we have no cause to feel guilty for taking care of our family and ourselves. I think that a lot of feelings attributed to guilt are more of a loss emotion than actual guilt. It is sad to lose our parents one brain cell at a time and we don't want to hurt them, intentionally or unintentionally and because they do things that resemble themselves when they weren't sick we don't know what they are really experiencing or feeling and that makes it difficult for us.

Mindfully stop yourself when you start feeling guilty. Whatever that looks like for you, remind yourself that you have done the best you can and she is safe and well cared for and she would have told you when she was healthy to go have fun being solo with your honey for the weekend or whatever gets you to stop beating yourself up with false guilt.

I know that some think that you have to feel guilty all the time or be labelled as a narcissist or psychopath, not true, very damaging thinking. Feeling bad or guilty is an appropriate response to doing something wrong, those same feelings are nothing but bondage when you are not doing anything wrong. Appropriate emotional responses do not make anything but a well balanced stable human and we should encourage one another to look at what we are really feeling and not feel guilty about wanting a break from someone else's problems or challenges.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner with mom and a fabulously fun Thanksgiving holiday with your husband.

You are entitled to your life and to spend some quality time with your husband. At her stage, it is just another day, nothing more.

Guilt is a self imposed emotion that just keeps one stuck in a place that they should not be or embrace. It serves no purpose whatsoever, it has become one of the buzz words of the 21st Century. Turn it around, you have done what is best for her, she is safe, she has people at her beckon call.

It is part of the circle of life, unfortunately, we are all living too long, my mother is 94, she is still here, but then again she isn't. I feel no guilt, she has lived her life on her own terms, and I must do the same.

Enjoy your trip, you and your husband have earned it.

It’s ok for you to go. When my mom was in SNF, we went to visit our son in North Carolina every Thanksgiving. I told my mom we were going. When we got back, she had no idea I’d been gone. Most importantly, let the staff know you’re going and how to reach you. You and she will be fine. Make one call a day to check on how she’s doing. And have a good time. Sounds like a wonderful break for you!

What are you doing 'wrong', exactly, that's causing you such 'horrible guilt'? Your mother has a disease which makes it impossible for her to even realize it's Thanksgiving, never mind that you were even there to visit her! Go have your little holiday in peace and allow yourself to do so without suffering needlessly. Go visit her before you leave and after you return and I guarantee you, she won't be admonishing you for anything. It's the self-recrimination that has to stop......it serves no useful purpose.

Enjoy yourself........you're allowed to.