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Keep it short and to the point...Mom has Dementia and it is unsafe for her to be alone. If you want Mom to remain in the home longer a Caregiver would assist rather than an accident/emergency situation where the decision is made for you.
A lot of men do not want any kind of hired help or "strangers" in the home taking care of them or their loved one. It is quite common. But, as these diseases progress you outwear Uncle so-and-so, Auntie so-and-so to come to visit and sit and mind Mom while I run to the grocery store. You need a schedule in place to continue with the progression of the disease.
As couple's age they need to be monitored and protected. The refrigerator cleaned out, their pill box in order, etc. Are they eating properly, etc.
Don't rule out a one-day-a-week morning respite program. I would check these things out now when you don't need them. The "Everything is Fine" is quite common in the men.
Sometimes it's easier to beg for forgiveness than to ask for permission. Basically, you have to make plans for the long haul. You cannot do this alone. An elderly person taking care of another elderly person as time goes on is like the blind leading the blind.
There comes a time when you need all hands on deck. There has to be a decision maker. You won't always get a unanimous decision but the person's well-being and safety is at hand.
Inform briefly, do not attempt to " explain ". Walk away from arguing, and continued attempts to justify the need; and remember that most likely the patient will not remember what you have said ( short term memory loss). Be respectful, loving but, do not attempt to explain.
Then go ahead with whatever decisions you have made to best care for the patient and keep her safe and assist with your well being as the primary Caregiver.
Remember the dementia patient by virtue of the illness has limited cognitive ability to hold a rational cognitively correct conversation, their emotions are heightened, fear and grief is a part of their daily life.
You can't explain dementia to a person with dementia.
Try examples that she remembers happening. You left a pot on the stove that could have caused a fire, etc. You want to stay in your home so we need some help to come in to see how things are going and do a few chores. We don't want police or fire department to think you aren't safe or they make you move out if there's a way to show everyone that there's people checking on you.
I am uncertain who you are explaining it to. Or what your role is. If you are POA you explain it to just about anyone with a simple explanation. Such as:
"Mom has _______________(fill in the condition), and isn't safe to care for herself anymore. It's my job now to make her safe, to be certain she gets the best care she is able to get. No one caused this for Mom and no one wanted this for her, and it is painful to witness, but this is how it must now be. And it is my responsibility morally and under the law to take care of it."
After a lifetime of knowing her one way, and having her be his partner and equal, it's going to be hard for your father to accept. (I assume you're talking about him based on your bio).
I think it helps to explain to him that she's not forgetful or (fill in the blank)…she has a brain disease. Getting impatient with her only upsets her. It doesn't change anything. A caregiver will give him and you peace of mind, care from someone trained on how to do these things. It won't diminish his role as her spouse; it will let him focus on the things that really matter: being there for her, reminding her she's loved, etc.
Why are you explaining and to whom? It would be useless to try to explain it to your mother and there is no need to justify her care to anyone not involved in that care.
Looking at your info it sounds like your parents are on the AL floor of this facility as a compromise. Dad is independent but Mom has dementia so while Dad could probably be in an IL apartment and Mom in MC they weren’t ready to separate and this was the happy medium. Dad must be aware of his wife’s condition and knew he couldn’t care for her on his own at home. I’m also not sure who you are needing to explain the addition of an aid to but if it’s Dad I would tell him what must be at least in great part the truth. “Mom really needs more care than they are set up for here in AL. This is typically the time they would move a patient like her to MC but agreed to let her stay here with you as long as we can provide enough supplemental care that she isn’t over taxing the floors resources. The other option is for her to move to MC and you move into IL but I know you that’s not what you want yet. This solution also gives you some breathing room Dad, I know Mom would want you to get out and enjoy life more rather than being tied to her care if it aren’t for this miserable disease she has and so do I, this seems like a good solution to create that balance. We both know there is going to come a time when she needs to move to MC and I think learning not to rely on you 24/7 will make that transition much easier on her when that time comes, you too Dad.” Some sort of variation on this, the point being that this is being driven by the facility and they are willing to work with you both on solutions other than Mom moving to more advanced care.
If your question is about how to explain it to Mom I would keep it simple, wait until and if, she asks to start with. Tell her it’s to help Dad out because the facility doesn’t want her left alone or something. I wouldn’t use the term dementia with her but rather something she knows like that she’s forgetful or that she gets frightened when there isn’t someone around she knows so now this person will be all hers for a few hours here and there. Again I wouldn’t focus on how much time the person is around but rather how nice it will be to have the same person devoted to them. With my mom when we found the perfect person we simply increased her hours a few at a time and now she is 40hrs a week and Mom doesn’t really realize it. But my mom was very against having anyone come in order need for anyone to come in so it was billed as help for my brother who was doing most of the work and then her inability to cooperate with me when I took over remotely which had been working for a few years. When she pushes back, which rarely happens anymore and insists she can do laundry or remember to go to the bathroom and drink her water for instance we say “I’m sure you can but you don’t and it’s too important for your health and safety. Plus she does all the housekeeping, makes meals for you and Bro and does all the stuff you shouldn't have to do.” Our angel says to her “you deserve it”.
If you question is how to explain it to the facility…well if you need to do that they are either in the wrong facility or she doesn’t actually need more help yet. If it’s the outside world, I’m not really sure why it’s necessary to explain the set up to anyone not close enough to know.
With my mother, who had dementia, I just used to say that she needs a higher level of care, as a way to explain the move to Memory Care, or in your mother's case, to having an aide stay with her. The aide can help her dress, bathe, go places, etc.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Keep it short and to the point...Mom has Dementia and it is unsafe for her to be alone. If you want Mom to remain in the home longer a Caregiver would assist rather than an accident/emergency situation where the decision is made for you.
A lot of men do not want any kind of hired help or "strangers" in the home taking care of them or their loved one. It is quite common. But, as these diseases progress you outwear Uncle so-and-so, Auntie so-and-so to come to visit and sit and mind Mom while I run to the grocery store. You need a schedule in place to continue with the progression of the disease.
As couple's age they need to be monitored and protected. The refrigerator cleaned out, their pill box in order, etc. Are they eating properly, etc.
Don't rule out a one-day-a-week morning respite program. I would check these things out now when you don't need them. The "Everything is Fine" is quite common in the men.
Sometimes it's easier to beg for forgiveness than to ask for permission. Basically, you have to make plans for the long haul. You cannot do this alone. An elderly person taking care of another elderly person as time goes on is like the blind leading the blind.
There comes a time when you need all hands on deck. There has to be a decision maker. You won't always get a unanimous decision but the person's well-being and safety is at hand.
You are in my prayers...
Does he actually object to the suggestion?
" explain ". Walk away from arguing, and continued attempts to justify the need; and remember that most likely the patient will not remember what you have said
( short term memory loss). Be respectful, loving but, do not attempt to explain.
Then go ahead with whatever decisions you have made to best care for the patient and keep her safe and assist with your well being as the primary Caregiver.
Remember the dementia patient by virtue of the illness has limited cognitive ability to hold a rational cognitively correct conversation, their emotions are heightened, fear and grief is a part of their daily life.
Take care of yourself.....
Try examples that she remembers happening. You left a pot on the stove that could have caused a fire, etc. You want to stay in your home so we need some help to come in to see how things are going and do a few chores. We don't want police or fire department to think you aren't safe or they make you move out if there's a way to show everyone that there's people checking on you.
If you are POA you explain it to just about anyone with a simple explanation. Such as:
"Mom has _______________(fill in the condition), and isn't safe to care for herself anymore. It's my job now to make her safe, to be certain she gets the best care she is able to get. No one caused this for Mom and no one wanted this for her, and it is painful to witness, but this is how it must now be. And it is my responsibility morally and under the law to take care of it."
I sure do wish you the best of luck.
I think it helps to explain to him that she's not forgetful or (fill in the blank)…she has a brain disease. Getting impatient with her only upsets her. It doesn't change anything. A caregiver will give him and you peace of mind, care from someone trained on how to do these things. It won't diminish his role as her spouse; it will let him focus on the things that really matter: being there for her, reminding her she's loved, etc.
If your question is about how to explain it to Mom I would keep it simple, wait until and if, she asks to start with. Tell her it’s to help Dad out because the facility doesn’t want her left alone or something. I wouldn’t use the term dementia with her but rather something she knows like that she’s forgetful or that she gets frightened when there isn’t someone around she knows so now this person will be all hers for a few hours here and there. Again I wouldn’t focus on how much time the person is around but rather how nice it will be to have the same person devoted to them. With my mom when we found the perfect person we simply increased her hours a few at a time and now she is 40hrs a week and Mom doesn’t really realize it. But my mom was very against having anyone come in order need for anyone to come in so it was billed as help for my brother who was doing most of the work and then her inability to cooperate with me when I took over remotely which had been working for a few years. When she pushes back, which rarely happens anymore and insists she can do laundry or remember to go to the bathroom and drink her water for instance we say “I’m sure you can but you don’t and it’s too important for your health and safety. Plus she does all the housekeeping, makes meals for you and Bro and does all the stuff you shouldn't have to do.” Our angel says to her “you deserve it”.
If you question is how to explain it to the facility…well if you need to do that they are either in the wrong facility or she doesn’t actually need more help yet. If it’s the outside world, I’m not really sure why it’s necessary to explain the set up to anyone not close enough to know.
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