I'm the youngest daughter in my family, staying with my 86-year old father due to cognitive short term memory loss and brain damage. We have three caregivers that alternate shifts from a caregiver agency while I'm at work, and then I'm with him the rest of the time unless I get relief from siblings.
When I remind my dad to shower or brush his teeth on weekends and holidays, I'm met with rude behavior including cursing and statements such as "you're my daughter, you don't tell me what to do!!" "You're the baby, you better show me some respect!" (These are super nice statements...he gets really mean). Some weekends, I just let him stay in the same clothes from Friday to Monday because he gets so explosive. Tonight, it was the same thing. I asked him to take his partial out to brush his teeth. I reminded him that it's been four days since he showered, he needed to shower and brush his teeth.
This weekend he has been spitting food particles from his mouth. I suggested he use the Water Pic to get rid of the food lodged in his teeth. It's always the same response, negative and mean. Always saying that I'm controlling his life, disrespectful, and other derogatory things. I feel sometimes like I just want to go home to my husband (which has been so patient and understanding during this ordeal of my being away). My father can't take care of himself though. I have tried to get him into a AL, but he fought me on the subject. I need some advice please. How do I communicate with this man so he understands that he needs to keep up good hygiene? If you have ideas on how to get him to go to the AL, that would be appreciated too.
asking if they can pass on a few techniques
or
asking them to come in for one hour mornings and evenings over the weekends and holidays specifically to help your father wash and dress.
The important thing is his hygiene, it doesn't matter who achieves it; and if he's reacting in this hostile way to you why put yourself through it? It's not fair on you and it's not getting his teeth brushed!
On the ALF point, it comes down to your father's competence. If he is assessed as having mental capacity, the decision about where he lives is his to make - even if it is a stupid one! But if he has been assessed formally, by his neurologist and other qualified persons, as lacking mental capacity, then the decision lies with whoever has power of attorney or guardianship. If nobody has POA or guardianship, or is his health care proxy or anything like that, then you and your siblings had best get together and take legal advice on what to do next.
How did you get lumbered with being the live-in caregiver? And how long has this been going on? How much support are you getting from your siblings?
From your father's point of view, he may be angry, depressed and hostile for all sorts of reasons that are real, and would get anyone down, but are NOT YOUR FAULT. It isn't possible not to take the kind of remarks he's making personally because a) they are personal and b) they're coming from your Dad and you love him. It's horrible having to hear him like this. But you must remember that his brain is not working and this is not your real Dad.
For the same reason - that his brain isn't working - don't waste your breath trying to correct his thinking or reason with him about everyday tasks. Better his dental plate waits until the next caregiver's visit than that you have a huge fight over it, you both get upset, and it still doesn't get sterilised.
My dad refused to brush his teeth. He told me to buy chewing gum and that will be his toothbrush. I have bought so many toothbrushes and toothpastes to no avail. He will just keep it right beside him - and never use it.
Showering. That was also another sore point. It Used to work for a while (a year only) when I told him that my sis and her husband is coming this weekend. I would tell him that he smells bad and we don't want them to smell it especially since he showered only last week. He would only shower if a visitor is coming... But this only worked for a while. After that, he would only shower every 2 weeks... then it was every 3 weeks... By the time he had his stroke, he was going on every 4 weeks of only 1 shower. He would just go and change his clothes if visitors were coming. {I had to tell visitors to NOT sit on his chair. I'm sure they smelled Dad's urine on it, anyway.}
In the meantime, I found these 2 from the Search:
This one below - I now remembered that Dad couldn't smell how stinky he was.
When I would tell him he smelled bad, he said that he doesn't smell it.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/elderly-parents-who-wont-shower-or-change-clothes-133877.htm
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/father-wont-bathe-207858.htm
I deal with this with my 96 yr old DH and have learned, "pick my battles." I leave him to his own resources as long as he doesn't smell. Really, he isn't eating much or exercising much so he's not working up an odor.
You CAN offer to soak his teeth for him, assuming he has plates or partial dentures. I have taken DH's partials out to soak. It's just awkward for me to brush his teeth - so I brought him the brush, some mouthwash and a basin and helped him to do it himself in the living-room. He can't stand for long periods of time. I intend to start shaving him this way too.
4 days won't kill him but make sure that the caregivers during the week are attending him or you will have problems with pressure sores and bacteria - yeast infections - and the list goes on. If you have any doubts, call their agency - today - now.
What we tend to forget is, most of these seniors grew up with one bath on a weekly basis and some only bathed in the creek. My DH didn't have electricity until after WWII and all water had to be fetched from the creek for daily use. It was not "squandered" on cleanliness, with 11 children.
At 86, I was having to shower my DH - he could no longer do it on his own. As the daughter, this could be awkward for both of you - so he chooses not to bathe. Bathwipes (baby or adult) do work wonders! There is even a foaming soap that doesn't need rinsing - what a God-send it has been for us. He can bathe in any room and you can ask him to wash his privates and you can wash everything else with the cloths. Yes, you can use regular washrags and a basin with soap and water. I learned years ago to take all the basins from DH's hospital stays; and anything else that is in the room that would be tossed. The nurses will tell you what they have to toss.
If you try to "HELP" and/or "ASSIST" him in his needs, instead of telling him what to do, you will get better response from him. It worked with my Dad and now with my DH.
Praying for your sanity as I speak.
Hugs,
linda
Forget the wk ends...laugh with him about it saying its "our days off." He can't get that stinky in 2 days.........
My heart goes out to you. We all struggle in our own ways to help our fathers, mothers, etc. Caregiving is the hardest job I've ever had, yet the most rewarding. I've learned so much in the last 18 months as the primary 24/7 caregiver for my dad. Today, my driving 'mantra' to myself goes something like this. #1 - As hard as this is for me, it's no match for what it's like for him. #2 - How can I re-phrase my wording and actions so that I honor his struggle while preserving his dignity.
Just like in cetude's response, I have found routine is essential for smooth days. I have supper ready at 5. We finish around 5:30. The kitchen is clean by 5:45. Bath follows. As soon as I've helped him dress from the bath, I hand him his toothbrush with the paste on it and say something like, "Sir, your toothbrush is ready to go in your mouth." I have stopped asking, "do you want to brush now?" I have stopped telling, "you need to brush your teeth." I have stopped pointing, "there's your toothbrush." I simply say, "Sir, this is ready to go in your mouth- to clean your teeth."
My father was an officer in the military - he always appreciated routine. So, it works for us, when everyone does pretty much the same thing, at the same time. Sometimes my mom helps him, sometimes one of my siblings helps (when they come into town) - but always at the same time of day, and in the same order. I've shortened what I say, and prepared more of what he needs, with lots of simple compliments, "Your teeth are sparkling!" "Those pajamas look great on you, sir!" ... and lots of "sirs".
You have a lot going on - you have a career and a husband. You're mind is constantly filled with responsibilities. My only suggestion is to make the hours you're with your dad as simple and focused as possible and find a way to make it a place you find joy for yourself, in that time- that will result in a change in him too - not always, but many times! My best to you, truly~
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