My dad died one year ago, three years after being diagnosed with Alzheimer's. My mother and I were the main caretakers. After he entered hospice, I stayed with them until he died.
I can't stop reliving his last 24 hours. He was thrashing around a lot, pulling at his catheter and kicking off his blankets. I was administering his drugs and in constant contact with hospice. They assured me that he was in no pain, but how do they know that?? I can't shake this feeling that I should have done more, should have insisted on something stronger (although I did a few times).
Hospice was wonderful, and he eventually passed very peacefully, so I feel like everyone did their job except me.
The body, mind and spirit can be quite distinct. Some 20 years ago a fire truck struck my car and I was in ICU, CCU for several weeks then another 3 months of hospitalization then 3 months outpatient rehab. During the first few weeks I was clinically dead twice and during those weeks I learned later that I was thrashing, pulling out tubes, falling from the bed so they had to put me in restraints, bed rails, motion alerts etc.
Well I remember well the moment before my car was hit and then what went on from a month after in the hospitals but my mind remembers absolutely nothing else. I have NO remembrance of any of the family reported pain that they observed with horror.
Fast forward to almost two years ago when my wife died of pancreatic cancer. She was in hospice and I watched daily as she made the transition from this world to the other side. The first few days I was concerned that the hospice staff were not doing enough to keep her alive, that they were not giving her her medicines to help her process her meals but after 2 days, I realized that she was not in hospice to get treatments, she was there to process her final days. I watched as her body processed the dying process and watched the peaceful moments when I realized that her mind was processing her life, a life filled with love and many happy moments as she made the transition.
Whenever she was necessarily moved by the hospice staff I saw the reaction of the body to this and how it shifted back to peaceful moments when left alone (though gentle touches did not disturb the peace) and because I had actually been blessed with my own event, I understood when the hospice assured me that she was not mentally in the pain we seemed to otherwise observe.
So the loving care you gave is what the dying mind processes as they make the transition. They also go through a spiritual transition but that is another topic not related here.
Each of us deals with grief differently. I was actually fortunate in being able to observe the dying process and getting to understand it. That helped me to reflect on the quote: 'Weep not that I am gone; rejoice that I was there'
May peace be on you also.
Time will help. Don’t be hard on yourself about anything.
Anyone who has been with someone during their last hours feels the same. Death is often uncomfortable and frightening. It can be difficult to shake these tough memories.
You were there for your father, for a long time, in many different ways.
All you can do now is refocus your memories and your emotional energy on happier days. Your dad would want you to think about the fun times, the laughter and good times. Focus on his life, not the final hours of his passing.
It it helps you to do so, read his favorite book, visit his favorite places, engage in his favorite activities and eat his favorite meals. Volunteer to contribute your efforts toward his favorite causes. Share his stories with others. Make it a daily goal to honor something about his life.
Spend time with others that you love and get immersed in their lives and activities. Make sure you are getting out, getting a little exercise snd enjoying those things in life that you cherish too.
Your dad doesn't want this for you.. regret and guilt use up too much of your life.
Focus on his life, not his leaving when you remember him
I remember my own grandmother in agony, crying out for us to kill her. Back then, we weren’t able to help loved ones along. It’s different now, but that doesn’t make it easier emotionally. Because it hurts us to the core to see our loved ones in so much distress.
I think you need to focus on what you DID do. You were there. And not just that day, but all the days before it. You held his hand. You did give him comfort. Have you tried having an imaginary conversation with your father? close your eyes and picture you sitting with your dad. Tell him everything you’re feeling. All your regrets. And then, just quietly listen. What would your dad say? Would he agree that you didn’t do enough?
Time doesn’t heal all wounds. If after all this, you still feel unresolved, please try talking to someone. There are therapists that specialize in loss.
I think it’s time to give yourself a break, and forgive yourself.
Cut yourself a break. You did fine.
The human mind tends to go to the ugly, painful memories to dwell on. I was doing the same thing for a while after my father died; remembering his labored breathing at the end. So I'd force my thoughts OFF of that memory and onto another, happier memory of him laughing or enjoying a meal I'd made for him. Of him sitting at my kitchen table at Christmas with his usual toothpick in his mouth; things like that. I had to make a conscious effort to force my thoughts OFF of the negative and ONTO the positive, you know?
You did nothing wrong and I did nothing wrong that sped up our father's passing, nor did we do something to worsen their death experience. In fact, we were there IN SPITE of our own feelings of fear and despair. We fought THROUGH those feelings and stayed at their side throughout the whole ordeal. That is what we should celebrate: that we persevered through it all and we were there for our fathers till the end.
Wishing you the best of luck healing and passing through the grief and sadness you feel in losing your dad. Healing doesn't mean we forget; just that we're able to remember our dad's with laughter and happiness instead of raw and intense grief.
It comes down to control. You didn't have any choices in the illnesses old age brought to your parent and therefore no control. The choices in their care were limited by many circumstances out of your control too. You did your best. No one can do more than their best. Time and illness were going to take your Dad regardless of what choices you made. You did your best to give him the love and care he deserved. Well done. Now go on with your life to honor the man who endeared that devotion.
You loved your dad and wanted the best for him, to take away his pain... But our loved ones' lives are not in our hands, we are just humans and doing our best.