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My elderly parents became my sole responsibility on Oct 5 - just 10 days ago. I have never been more stressed, exhausted, confused and overwhelmed in my life! And I'm getting angry at myself and irritated at them. They are like two people drowning and they are clawing me into the black hole they live in. It cannot continue like this! I'm scrambling to find them any care from the state, or whatever, because they are indigent. (For the record, I barely know these people. They didn't raise me.)


My question is this: how do I make sure that I NEVER do this to my child? I only have one living child remaining, and I will not do this to her. Is it called "Long Term Care Insurance"? Does anyone know?


Today, I bathed my stepmother, a woman I barely know. It was embarrassing for both of us, I think, but she hadn't bathed in a shocking 11 days and I announced it was time. It took more than 45 minutes. When I finally left her sitting on the toilet seat so she could dress in privacy, she fell off! I had to pick her up, naked, off the bathroom floor, steady her on the toilet again, and help her. Then I walked their dog again, listened to my father cry (15th time today) about how hard his life is (he doesn't do a thing except cry - his wife maintains EVERYTHING!) and then ask me questions about weird things, like the price of liverwurst in Wisconsin. (??!??!!) I cannot continue like this. I won't. It's impossible.


What do I do to make sure I never impose myself like this on any other living being?

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You save like mad for your own care. Long Care Term Insurance can be extremely costly and becomes more so as you age. It is preferrable to be self insured by your own savings, though not only possible. For now you make certain that none of your money is going to the care of your family, that the care is done by their own assets or they apply for medicaid and state funded care. And as I said, you save like crazy. If you choose long term care insurance be VERY VERY CAREFUL. Like reverse mortgages, there are times it is great. But like them, it is tricky in the extreme. Some long term policies won't cover your care unless, for instance (small print) there is an RN on duty at all times. Guess what? NEVER happens. You need Reputable company of long standing and I would research this to the inth degree if you decide to do it. You make very clear also, in no uncertain terms, to your child that you will NOT have them do this, EVER and under any circumstances, and that you are saying that now while you are of sound mind.
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Have money, stay healthy and make friends. If it makes you feel better, there is about a 50/50 chance that you will never need long term care. Long term care insurance rates have gotten better (not lower, just more stable.) Continuing care communities are a good option if they are affordable for you.

Contact your local Council on Aging and ask to discuss your parents' needs with a social worker. There may be options to you trying to do this all yourself even if your parents have no money. Best of luck to you.
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There is Medicaid. You can check yourself into a nursing home.

I don’t plan on burdening my children either.

As you can see, it is entirely too much work for one person.

Most people, including myself that did caregiving end up burning out and sometimes very resentful.
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We have Long Term Health Care insurance which has been very expensive. Perhaps we could have done better investing those premiums but if you’ve looked into the costs of nursing home and assisted living it might be worth it. The younger you are when you get along Long Term Health Care insurance the better. On the other hand, when you are older, you can put your assets into an irrevocable trust to be eligible for Medicaid which will pay for a nursing home etc.
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We all hope that we won't be a burden to our kids in our late years. But because the future is unpredictable, all we can do is make plans to minimize their burden. But even plans can fall short of providing the proper care we'll need during our late years. One of the limiting factors is the cost of covering all the possibilities. Certainly we'll all die so life insurance is a must if we want to relieve our kids of paying for our funeral and burial costs and leaving them with some "spending money". Does your child have the appropriate POAs for you? Do you have a living will that will preclude your child from having to guess what your final healthcare wishes are? Do you have enough savings to allow you to pay the cost of a care facility, AL or MC ? Probably not. Long term care insurance can cover much of the cost for these facilities. LTC insurance is still available although many companies have withdrawn for the LTC market because they underestimated the expense. Saving for the possibility of placement in a care facility is not a very good option. If you start saving now and find yourself needing AL in 5 or 6 yrs, you won't have saved enough. How long would it take you to save $273,000? That's the benefit amount that my LTC policy provides. During my wife's illness, her policy covered homecare, adult daycare and MC. Each level of care had a certain daily limit that the policy provided. It didn't cover everything but it covered most of the costs. Of the over $90,000 that her MC facility charged for her 15 months there, the policy paid over $60,000. Still a pretty good hit for me but woth the premiums she paid. The premiums were waived during her MC stay.

Today you can get hybrid policies that are a combination of life and LTC coverage. If you don't use the LTC provision, the full life amount pays. If you use some LTC coverage, the balance of the policy amount pays the death benefit.

After all that is said, if you don't have enough assests to protect or if you just can't afford it, LTC is not for you. You will eventually qualify for Medicaid once you spend down the assets you have. So you have to decide. You can't protect yourself and your child's burden from every eventuality, so do what you can afford.

Incidently, the price of liverwurst in Wisconsin has skyrocketed so just tell her it's not in the budget!
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My question is how did you get saddled with people you don't really know. Dad had no other children?

You don't need to do this. I would call Office of Aging and ask how you can get these people help explaining they literally are strangers. You probably have no idea of their finances and you r not POA. And, in your situation I would not want to be or guardian. Do not allow anyone to talk you into either. Of course I am nor aware of the situation but if the authorities were involved, you could have said no and for the reason you have stated. You don't have any relationship with them. You could have let the State take over their care. They probably would be in nursing homes by now.

You need Medicaid. They both probably need good physicals. I would ask for something saying they need 24/7 care. Approach everything as you r trying to get them help. Them staying with you and you caring for them is not an option. You can't and will not do it. Be adamant.
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