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Having always been a "good daughter" one that was truly close to my mother, the one who always heard, " we wouldn't know what to do without you." The accusations and hostility have put me in a place I never dreamed I would be. I have become a pariah to my mother. She has moderate stage Alzheimer's and everyone knows this but her. She has absolutely no self awareness that she has greatly impaired short term memory and that a great deal of her executive functions are misfiring. She has a diagnosis of Alzheimer's but further testing was not possible due to her complete unwillingness to even acknowledge the slightest possibility that she has some "issues". She has blamed me all along for everything stating that were it not for me telling a bunch of lies to doctors she would be just fine. She is angry and depressed and it has now escalated to the point where she outright accuses me of stealing and hiding her jewelry, hiding her personal belongings, rummaging through all her drawers, closets, cabinets, pantry and taking all sorts of things. Her house is a disaster (she is what we call a obsessive compulsive "germaphobe" hoarder") She has years and years and years of stuff crammed into every single inch of her house and somehow she has completely forgotten that it's her mess and thinks I have sneaked into her house and created mayhem. She goes on rummaging tangents late at night that the caregivers cannot distract her from taking everything out of drawers and cabinets then the next morning flipping out ranting how I came into her house and created the mess. She lives in her home of over 40 years and it would take an act of God to get her anywhere else and boy would there be hell to pay if we even tried. I have tried every strategy in every single Alzheimer's or dementia resource I can get my hands on (books, tapes, youtube videos, support groups) .Absolutely nothing diminishes her compete hostility towards me to the extent that I now don't go over to her house at all unless accompanied by my husband and at that I only sit on a chair in the kitchen, with my hands in my lap.


What I am not able to do is disengage from the vitriol she spews bad-mouthing me to anyone who will listen. She is surprisingly articulate, fast with the point-counter point conversations and appears quite rational other than the fact that she is 100% delusional and paranoid and making up complete falsehoods about me. Everyone in the family knows she is making things up (she believes them obviously) but it still hurts. I have literally done nothing wrong, taking the very best care of my mom, tending to all her needs (social, physical, emotional) and now this is where I find myself: the rest of the family and her paid caregivers (the two she will tolerate in her home) are treated lovingly, warmly and welcomed. I am scowled at, barely spoken to and berated. When I call her attempting light hearted conversation she rudely and curtly answers and hangs up with a goodbye. She refuses to tell me she loves me yet tells the caregivers she loves them and would "like to adopt them". I know all the textbook answers but this is so unfair and like I said, it hurts and is like a black cloud over my life. Intellectually I know what I am supposed to be doing. Although emotionally I feel like a child who's been falsely accused. Part of me is outraged at the injustice of it all; part of me understands she has a sick brain. BUT why or why is this sickness aimed solely at me?


Please advise how to get my heart and head in sync and to what extent should I hang in there allowing my mom to denigrate me or do I just turn the other cheek? How do you set boundaries with a person who is demented? I don't get this. Thanks for your insight.

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Why don't u have one of her Caregivers ask her why she is mean to you. Sometimes its the one who is the closest they take it out on.
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LaraLu Aug 2019
They don't need to ask her! She starts first thing in the morning with her rants about me. She goes on and on and on for hours about how I have gone into her dresser drawers and rearranged everything; how I have gone into her closet and changed things around and stolen her shoes (two sizes smaller than me, she has dozens of shoes some of which are 30 years old and never even worn); she says I hid her bras (she has them stuffed in about five different drawers and even a large paper grocery bad in her closet); she dramatically mimics my supposedly mean witch-like voice (think Wicked Witch of the West) and re-enacts how I dangled her jewelry in a bag right in her face and declared I was taking her jewelry and had hidden the rest and good luck finding it (none of this EVER happened); she empties out all the kitchen and bathroom drawers and cabinets all the while sobbing and lamenting "Why or why on earth would she do this to me?"
I could go on and on myself! But you get the idea. The trained caregivers do everything in their power to re-direct, calm her down, or engage in another thought or activity. To no avail. If they get her to talk about something else she jumps right back to ME as the source of all her problems. LOL...at this point the poor caregivers try as hard as humanly possible to not even mention my name lest it set her off!
Her anger towards me has absolutely no basis in reality.
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AlvaDeer is absolutely right. Dementia is a terrible disease. It takes those you love away a little at a time. It can change a persons personality, and make a heart not remember how to pump or a lung forget how to breath, My mom use to get mad at me when I had to do something she didn't like. So, after what ever task that made her mad was done. I would leave the room change my shirt and hair do. Then return with smiles and she would be happy again and complain to me about that other woman. That worked for a long time.
If that doesn't work . Limit your visits and cut down on the time you spend with her.
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LaraLu Aug 2019
Mom is not that quite far gone. She completely knows her immediate family...she's slow retrieving the names sometime and will compensate by saying who they are rather than their name. When she can't recall one of my daughter's kids (her great grandkids of which she has 25) she will say something like, "your know, your daughter's little girl with the curls". But I can see that is our future. I have a good friend who was so angry and frustrated dealing with his father the last few years before he passed that it took my friend five years to be able to actually speak of his father favorable and have his anger issues get resolved. I so do not want that to be me someday. Thanks for your wise suggestions. This is not easy.
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For all intent and purpose your Mom is gone. You know that, right? She is now just a brain with a mess of tangles instead of normal function. You do not set boundaries on someone with dementia, because for them there will never again be any societal boundaries, there will never again be any reality.
The real question now is not really whether or not you recognize that what she is doing has no basis in reality. I am certain you DO recognize that.
The question now is safety and placement of your Mother. She needs to be in a safe place receiving care. If this means calling EMS or adult protective to get her into placement, this is what you must do.
The question now is not the silly things her disease says. The question is who has power of attorney for health care, who is guardian of your Mom, who is the power of attorney to pay the bills on someone who is no longer living in reality.
As I said, for all intent and purpose your real Mom is gone. Unfortunately, someone must now take over responsibility to care for this person who has taken your Mom's place within her body and see that she is safe and cared for until her demise.
To be frank, once your Mom is safely placed, if your visits continue to disturb her, I would curtail visits, limit them, and move on with your life. I am so very sorry for your loss, but your Mom is gone. A disease took her. And there is nothing to be done about that.
You do mention she has caregivers and family other than yourself. If she has stuck in her head that you are evil, then spare her having to be with you, because no one will convince her otherwise. Until you or someone else can come up with a cure this is the new reality. I am so very very sorry for all you have lost.
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LaraLu Aug 2019
AlvaDeer: so much of what you say is spot on. My mom is not the person she has always been...but the rub is that it is only with ME! Yes, she has short term memory problems, yes she forgets the things she used to do with ease; the TV remote, the answering machine, the burglar alarm system. But with others she has the ability to present as her old self. This past weekend my nephew, his wife and 4 young children paid a visit bringing dinner on Saturday night. On Sunday my son and his 3 young children picked her up for lunch then brought her back home and visited for several hours. Yes, she couldn't tell you where they went or what they brought for dinner, she couldn't remember my son's girlfriend's sister and husband which she had met on at least 4 other instances. But she was perfectly sweet, conversant and enjoyed their visit. My son said she acted totally like her old self playing with the kids and going outside to see them fly their drone over her house. So this is the baffling part that all her anxiety, paranoia, delusions, anger are aimed at me. So with family members popping in, and full time caregivers she seems fine as long as I stay in the shadows. Which I am committed to doing at this point. I just put in an on-grocery order to be delivered tomorrow, I pay her bills, make her appointments, pick up her prescriptions and fill her med trays. Her caregiver says she asks about me frequently during the day in a suspicious as to whether I have stopped by and complaining that she needs to get to the bank because I have probably "cleaned her out". I haven't, nor would I. But she seems to be obsessed with me. It's like co-dependency turned rancid! Thank you for your support and insight. I truly appreciate nice people taking the time to respond.
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You are not alone. I employ the Grey Rock and have gotten fairly good at it. Unfortunately, my situation is not due to any illness but just plain old filters are now off.

I've said the, "mom, you don't seem to be feeling very well today and are not acting appropriately towards me. I'm going to leave and come back when you're feeling and treating me better." IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM!!!!! I figured she was being well cared for, there was no longer a need for me to be there, and I was being verbally abused which I will not stand for so I left!

It's hard I know. But until you go through this situation you will never understand. As I've said here before, it's for all these situations that you never know what people are going through that I will never judge someone else's situation ever again.

Please know....you're not alone.
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LaraLu Aug 2019
Thank you for your insight! I think some of us are better at setting boundaries and not becoming a door mat. I think the hard part is speaking the truth (remaining firm but respectful)and knowing it's okay to walk away some time. I am learning so much for all these sincere and kind responses. Thank you for sharing and your support.
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My heart aches for your emotional pain that, for now, has no end or resolution. I don't have personal experience with this exact scenario, but as I'm overseeing care for 4 very senior family members, I have had to think deeply about my emotional and mental approach to their odd, unintentionally hurtful behaviors that are not like their "old selves". I guess the only way I can filter it for a practical answer is to ask myself, "how would I want my children to act/react/respond if I were the one needing the grace"? If you were the one with the ALZ perpetrating those behaviors upon one of your children, how would you want them to react/move forward/deal with it? That's all I got for you...I hope it helps. May you receive peace that transcends understanding.
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LaraLu Aug 2019
Geaton777: thank you so much for that perspective. You are absolutely right. Doing the "right thing" and choosing kindness is not always the first response and certainly not the easiest thing to do. Thank you for you kind reminder.
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Just this little bit:

"who put LaraLu in charge?" 

Er, you did, mother! And signed it, right here. Hugs to you both.
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LaraLu Aug 2019
Great responses...if only I dared! Thanks for the chuckle!
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BarbBrooklyn:
Thank you for the hugs. I REALLY need them. I swear, having such warm replies with insightful advice is like having answered prayers and Grace raining down on me. I am sorry that this is your experience too. We all have this somewhat innate sense of fairness. How many times do we say as a child, "that's not fair" or hear adults say "play fair". We talk about Fair Housing, fair employment laws...etc., etc., etc.,! So we profoundly hope (and expect) our most beloved relationships will "be fair". I have to get over this. Life is not fair! I used to tell my own kids this when they would complain about our not having a pool in the backyard (we live in Phoenix) and all their friends had pools. I would say, life is not fair. Such and such is driving a new Escalade and we have an old Suburban and such and such just got back from Hawaii and we're stuck in Phoenix all summer .I would point out to them that we were still better off than 99.99% of the world's population. So I guess I better get back on my own mental "soap box" and give myself a fairness lecture!
Big hug to you in Brooklyn!!!
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Dear lady, please do not go to her house anymore, or talk on the phone to her. This likely won't change, & giving up is ok. It's not your fault she behaves this way toward you, but it's ur fault for letting her continue to abuse you. If you have a husband, or a job, or friends: be glad that you have them. Forget about 'why' this is happening, unless you want to get sick or go crazy. Accept & live ur life dear LaraLu.
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LaraLu Aug 2019
Tiger55, thank you so very, very much for your kind words of support. You and the other dear ones (unfortunately who could be called the "Been there
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My mom gets and angry and mean to mean also. I’m her only family and was the one that had to put her in AL. So deep down she blames me. It’s so hard to keep it light. And I get angry at her but always try to smile and push through. The other part is sometimes my mom will feel bad after and then start crying. That’s even worse. I would rather deal with her anger. If your mom has other children to visit I definitely would step. Back. Your mental health and sanity is very important. Not sure if this is the right thing but let her know that you will come back another day when she would like to see you. Good luck and keep venting here.
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LaraLu Aug 2019
Val622, thank you for responding. I too, plead guilty for getting upset and angry. Then of course, for me the angry response is followed by feeling guilty. Then when I speak with someone about an "episode" I reply the whole thing back and commit to not responding the same way again. It has been playing out as a vicious cycle and only as of late with my limited visits have they calmed down a bit. She doesn't act up in front of others. That's the part that seems so intentional...which makes it even harder for me to write it all off due to Alzheimer's. I know need to keep myself healthy and not fall victim to to this disease too. Thanks again!
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You poor love. I'm so sorry.

This will pass. Your mother is very angry, and she is also very frightened. Making herself believe that somebody else is causing her life to disintegrate around her gives her temporary relief - she has a scapegoat. And because you were the closest to her and the most involved... you're it.

How can she believe that somebody who loves her so tenderly, that she has always loved so tenderly, could be the villain? It would be monstrous. But because what is happening is so dreadful, even that makes a certain sense. Only something really terrible could cause something this terrible.

It WILL pass. Think of this as your mother going through the worst stages of a physical illness.

Then, how do you protect yourself from having to witness and experience the worst of it? Your mother has caregivers - who is providing this service? Are you in touch with other professionals experienced in dementia care? I'm sorry to note that you've tried support groups and found it didn't help - would that be worth another go?

Then the day to day contact: it's grim, but set yourself a schedule of visits and calls that you're happy with, and for the time being don't expect to enjoy them. Look on them (for now) as a duty: you're doing this partly to check up on her, and partly to maintain her recognition of you. I mean, you could back off completely and wait, but if you were to do that it might be harder to reestablish your relationship later.

Meanwhile. If you have HIPAA authorisation, and a strong relationship with your mother's care providers, ask for advice on pushing forward with investigations. Your mother will not consent, okay; that's an obstruction for the time being; but ultimately her loss of mental function will become so apparent that her consent won't be an issue. Are you in touch with the specialist who diagnosed her Alzheimer's? Do you have that person's initial report to work with?
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LaraLu Aug 2019
Countrymouse: Yes, I do have all the HIPPAA authorizations, Durable POA, Mental and Health POA, POA on her bank accounts and most of her assets are in a Family Trust which my brother and I are not the sole Trustees. Yes, I have all the doctor's assessments and even notarized letters from the doctors which we needed for the bank,, CPA (to submit to IRS) and motor vehicle. So we have all our "ducks in a row" legally. She has completely forgotten that she set this up several years ago and now she cannot understand why we are calling the shots and "who put LaraLu in charge?" It's getting her to cooperate on any level. She truly believes there in not a thing in the world amiss with her and that we are all in "cahoots" trying to take over her life, take control of everything and put her away. Nothing could be further from the truth. I also feel so badly for her, as I cannot imagine how terrifying it is for her to believe that her daughter has turned on her and is trying to get everyone else "in on it". I understand this is delusional paranoia...and so do most of the other family members. That being said it's still a miserable situation.
I am taking baby steps to do what needs to be done. As an example up until recently I would take her to the grocery store which she insisted on doing. Talk about an exercise in patience!! Then I finally just started to go the store myself for her once a week. Well that blew up in my face: she accused me of swiping things out of her pantry while I was putting groceries away. So then I would bring the groceries in, sit down and let the Caregiver put them away. That didn't work...she would claim she saw me "pilfering" in her cabinets! So ta-dah! Just now when the caregiver called me to give me the weekly grocery list, I am ordering them on-line to have delivered by Safeway! My daughter with four kids loves their service. They bring it right into the kitchen and will not even accept a tip! Baby steps!

I also have to follow up on a few dental appointments and hearing aid audiologist appoints within the next few weeks. I will be making sure the one daytime caregiver whom she still likes (praise the Lord!) accompanies us.
Serenity prayer, one day at a time and I truly think I am going to start going to daily mass (it helps keep me centered) and BACK TO THE GYM!!!

Thank you for your on-line friendship!!!
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LaraLu,

The individuals with dementia that do this kind of thing usually demonize the ones who are closest. You're handy. They see you the most. Their damaged brain contrives that you are the cause of all their problems.

I've been there. It hurts like nothing else. The lies. The criticism. The rejection. Your head says: "Ignore it. She doesn't know what she's doing." Your heart says: "Don't you know who I am? I'm your daughter! Why are you treating me this way???" (Primal scream)

I don't have all the answers, but I can tell you what I did. It's called "low or no contact." It sounds harsh. But harsh circumstances call for harsh measures.

Step back. It will give you breathing space and relief. If and when you do decide to place yourself in the line of fire and she starts to act out, just walk away. If she's in the car with you, take her back home to her caregiver. If you're sharing a meal with her and she starts up, just get up and walk away. Conversationally, you might respond, "Mom, you seem to be having a bad day. I'll come back (or call back) when you're feeling better." Look up "gray rock" on this forum or online for a helpful method to maintain when you're around her. I would not, under any circumstances, move her in with you. Ever. Prepare yourself: there always seem to be clueless people ready to criticize. Ignore them and take care of yourself.

If you're lucky, as your mom progresses into her dementia, she may stop this behavior (as mine is gradually doing). In the meantime, count me among the many who have walked the same path. It hurts like hell. It isn't fair. Come here and tell us how you're progressing (or not!) (((((Hugs)))))
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LaraLu Aug 2019
CantDance: I swear, I am going to post your "Mom, you seem to be having a bad day. I'll come back (or call back) when your feeling better," by my landline phone, on a post it note for my dashboard, and maybe even have it written on the inside of my wrist with a Sharpie! It's perfect. I most likely will have to calmly say, " I am hanging up the phone now. I love you, good-bye."
Here's a little insight to how cagey and manipulative she is that makes it so hard for me to get into my head (and heart) that this is all the Alzheimers: one day last week when I had called her in the evening (as I have done my entire adult life) just to say hello and see how her evening was going. We used to have nice chats and even if she was complaining or seemed depressed, we always ended our conversation with an "I love you". She was obviously mad at me, the conversation was one sided with her responding in short curt answers. So I finally wrapped it up saying, "Well, I will let you go. I hope you have a good rest of your evening, I love you!" She hung the phone up without saying so much as a good bye. The next day, her caregiver told me: When your mom hung up the phone last night, she said to me, "She will be calling me back. I didn't tell her I loved her. She will be calling me back".
The funny/sad thing is, I almost DID call her back! But I knew if I did, I would have to listen to a rant about how I didn't really love her or I wouldn't be stealing from her, putting strangers in her house, destroying her closet, taking her car from her, making her a prisoner in her own home!
So she intentionally did not tell me she loved me, counting on me to call her back and she would have pounced on the opportunity! THAT is manipulation. How is it that someone with significant Alzheimer's can be so manipulative with just one person?
That's the sort of thing I having the hardest time dealing with!
So I will keep on being the person I want to be and use your great words most likely frequently! Thanks for your wisdom. And truly sorry you've walked this path.
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LaraLu, ((((((((hugs))))))))).

So sad. So fricking unfair. SOOOOO AWFUL!!!!!!!!!

Caregiving someone you love with dementia who makes you the "designated bad guy" is a terrible path to walk.

Some choose to step off it, at least temporarily, in order to heal.

Some can laugh it off and push on, declaring "well, maybe TODAY she'll remember that she loves me."

There are no easy answers here. What is happening, I think, is that the little kid that remains inside us all is always easily hurt by unfairness from our parents.

We can tolerate treatment that is less than wonderful by others (bosses, co-workers, even our own kid), but unfair treatment from a parent has an ability to wound us in our tenderest places.

You may find it helpful to hang out here and vent, seek solace and help others who are on the same journey.

You may find that talking to a therapist or counselor is a comforting thing to do (I certainly did, as my mother progressed).

I wish I had better answers for you. Again, welcome and (((((((hugs)))))))).
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