Sorry if this is long but it’s to do with my sister whom up until when our mother passed 3 years ago now, we were always very close. But after she has called me in that timeframe. I’ve got off the phone feeling anxious and churned up inside. I don’t if it’s intentional or not (she’s seven years younger than me) but one particular time, and this is before we moved our dad in with us, she sent me a scathing message saying” Hey is Dad still alive?
I said “ Of course he is I’d tell you if something was wrong” then I get “ how can I be sure” I was very upset as my hubby and I saw him the most as back then we both had more free time than her, and she lived 90 mins drive from him. She’s almost always unreachable on her mobile and I get tired of leaving messages that are returned only when it pleases her.
I ended up by ringing her and asking what was wrong and she totally attacked me. We argued and I hung up on her. I don’t know to this day why she did this. But I suspect she was guilty about her lack of care towards my father with whom she has always had a difficult relationship with anyway, resentful and took it out on me. She also said that since I’m Dad’s favoured one, we should look after him because even though she offered, he declined. But saying that, she then said “she would have to drive him to church every Sunday, so thank God she dodged that bullet.” I was stunned.
Anyway sorry for the saga but other similar phone conversations about things related to our father’s care, the sale of the house, other hurtful guilt tripping things, and mainly his financial status, this was after I gave her my good piano so she get her boys taught to play, which was at my Dads old house, have left me wondering who does she really care about besides herself,? and I cringe now when I see her caller ID on my phone. I’ve thought about blocking her but that could cause trouble which I can’t deal with right now. The last time I spoke to her was two weeks ago and again the feeling of telling her things concerning our Dad made me feel like the bad person again. So I’m kind of dreading our next conversation. I feel sick about this as I’ve always thought we were close.
I have no time for people who are toxic to me, they serve no useful purpose in my life.
You are allowing her to impose guilt upon you, a very needless action, as guilt itself, is a self-induced process, so you take the ball from her and run with it, causing you emotional harm.
By blocking her you are eliminating a problem, not causing one. Take back your power, do what is right for you.
Good Luck.
I use the "KILL them with sweetness routine" and it's lots of fun and entertainment.
I see no indication that your Dad is alive still or that he has passed, so I am assuming Dad is alive and living with you. That means that you should encourage his speaking with her, and never discuss her with him (elders have a way or telling secrets on the phone). Just offer Dad a chance to call daily. Put him directly on the phone. If she asks to speak with you tell her you really have no news.
Any time she goes to the past just cheerfully say "Oh, HON. I just don't DO the past anymore. My new shrink absolutely forBIDS it".
Tease her, make her believe you are the cat and she's the mouse, tease her. Laugh at her will REALLY work well.
As I said, have fun with it. Leave her twisting in the wind.
Of course, if you are not of my perverse nature, then just tell her "Ooops, stew's boiling! Gotta go. Take good care. Talk soon" and set the phone down.
The Boundaries book by Henry Cloud is an easy read full of anecdotes in which you may see yourself coming and going.
It takes two to argue. It is amazing how easy it is to avoid it when you come to the final realization that we can't change others and they can't be allowed to attempt to change us.
I sure wish you the best.
Whatever is left will be handled according to his will or state law.
Is this the sibling that holds POA?
I have found that not sharing keeps these difficult people away from my nerves. Everything is ALWAYS good, fine and going well, even if the house burned down, dad's in hospital and the cat keeps puking. The truth is they don't care and sharing only gives them something to be critical about.
I have seen that people really show you what they are made of during difficult times, no criticism, not everyone can handle stressful situations but, that doesn't give them a free pass to make it harder.
Your post is written in the past tense. If she is calling to rehash past decisions, don’t engage. “We did what was best under the circumstances. That was then, this is now.” or some other stale statement. Often people 2nd guess and hyper-analyse things that cannot be changed. I think it gives them a feeling of contributing or involvement, when, at the time of the actual decision, they were absent or quiet. They don’t process the reality that something is unchangeable and they can only learn from it and move on.
If she is hitting a raw nerve with you, perhaps you need to remind yourself of the same. There are always different approaches to care and the path you chose may not be what she’d have chosen. But that doesn’t make it wrong. You’re both viewing the past through the lens of today.
And and you may never find out why she attacks/attacked you because she may not know or be able articulate it herself.
Remind her how close you and she always were before and ask her if that's what's eating her.
I have one daughter who lives in hope that her father will start behaving like normal fathers. You know, the sort who occasionally express (as well as feel) an interest in their children and demonstrate it by picking up the phone or arranging a visit. She knows her father and she should (she does) know better than I do that this is just not something he ever does or will ever understand is important; but that doesn't stop it driving her bananas, especially when there's a big event or a special milestone to celebrate. I think you can know something very well and still *want* it to be different, and the want comes out as frustration - which often doesn't pick its target any too accurately.
It's your description of how she turned his rejection of her offer to look after him into a blessing, a bullet dodged. A joke, in a way, but pretty bitter, don't you think? Maybe it still hurts.
As the "favoured one" (who gets to carry him, oh joy) you are in a sticky position with her, because you're not going to join in with tearing him to pieces but at the same time you recognize that she does feel differently because she has been rejected and things have always been difficult between them. Don't allow yourself to be the buffer zone between them - if she attacks you again, try "it is not my fault that you do not have a good relationship with your father. Any complaints, take them to him." - but don't let it push you further apart.
My own younger sister went the ‘drop out’ route in her twenties, and as a result ended up with little money and no prospects in a small town close to my BIL’s great surfing beach. She has ended up bitter, jealous, and nasty when she feels like it. The last time I saw her was 2 years ago, when she hit me hard on the head. Her ‘apology’ letter was a justification about how I had always treated her as ‘the little sister’.
If it’s like my situation, you have done nothing intended to upset her, you can’t go back to her childhood anyway, and there is no way you can change her entrenched attitude. My suggestion would be to keep your guard up and your expectations low if you continue to have dealings with her, or just give up if you can’t risk it. Sympathy and best wishes, Margaret
You’re probably right about her being jealous, though i
don’t know why. If anything she is far more accomplished than I am in the creative sense, she’s travelled the world and gained so much more than I have. All I’ve done is get really good marks in Piano and theory exams whoppee!!!
She left home after finishing art college which my father paid for, btw and lived in a shocker of a tenement house with a psycho friend. Just to get away from us. She called me a coward for not leaving home and staying with my parents. Nice huh?
Who knows what's wrong with your sister? If at all reasonably possible, and it may not be, sit down for a cuppa with her and have a heart to heart talk. See if you can get on the same page about dad, and about what's bothering her. Let her know you always felt close, as sisters, so you genuinely want to know what went awry? Again, she may be too far gone for such a talk, but I'm forever hopeful about repairing damaged relationships. Sometimes it's impossible, but you'll find that out TOO if you try & she's closed off to your attempts. Then you'll know you did your best, right? :)
Good luck!
I can see why you'd cringe when she calls! I don't know if I'd go as far as blocking her at this time but I'd certainly not answer her calls very often. It's a bummer when your relationship with someone ends up to be different from what you had thought it was. Give her the bare bones of info. Be vague and positive. If there is something serious going on, you should tell her but stay as matter of fact and short as you can.
Good luck!