My mom is in the hospital now, her pressure ulcer got infected. Tomorrow they will do a colostomy and debrinement of the wound. I can't help but feel she brought on some of this herself. She was told repeatedly, to keep the pressure off it when it first showed up. Nope, wouldn't even put a pillow under it when asked time and time again. Had to sleep on that hip making it worse. Refused rehab after every hospital visit, and there were many. Refused to get her knee fixed when she had the chance. Refused all PT to help her mobility. Now, my sister and I have to live with the consequences (mom is at my house now). When my dad broke his hip, I was still working and both mom and dad were 4 hours away. I paid for home care myself for my dad, until a few months later, mom kicked them out. My dad ended up at my sister's house. luckily, both her and my BIL were retired. I slept over their house every weekend so they could get some peace. By then, my dad's Alzheimer's had progressed to where every night he fell out of bed and would yell at them. He passed last year, but I retired early to spend more time there. I loved my job, but did what I had to do. I still do contract work from home, which I enjoy, now I'm not sure how long I can do both work and caregiving. We all have to make sacrifices, I accept that. I know the pattern all too well. After this life changing event, she will be offered rehab and refuse. If I mention the sacrifices we make, she will just demand to be taken back home to CT to live alone. Do you think if I explain this to her hospital case worker, how her decisions affect not only her, but us? Would she listen to a professional and go for therapy this time? Probably not, I will be changing colostomy bags and spoon feeding her till the end. The nurse told me today she will probably be catheterized and bedridden. I guess I have to just have to suck it up and accept it until she is eligible for hospice care. Even then, she wouldn't do well in anyplace else but home. Thanks for listening. Sorry for venting like this.
I tell you this because I think it might be time to hold mom's feet to the fire - so to speak - and tell her and the hospital that her care has become more than you can handle. Be proactive about it. Contact the hospital's social worker long before they start talking about discharge. Mom won't be happy; but she doesn't seem to be happy now anyway, so that won't really change. If your mom isn't able to take care of herself, the hospital won't release her to her own home, alone. And some of the hospital people can be pretty good at convincing reluctant people to enter rehab; they certainly were able to do it with my mom. Because let's face it - no one *wants* to go into rehab, especially after a hospital stay.
But here's the hard part. You HAVE to stick to your guns, and not let anyone - not the hospital, not your family and certainly not mom - change your mind about the decision to not bring mom back home with you. And that's the part that sucks. It's easy, on paper, to say "no, she has to stay there/go into rehab", but when the actual "rubber meets the road" will you be able to follow through? It's kind of like when you have children - if you tell them "if you do so-and-so there will be such-and-such consequences" and then you refuse to make good on your words, you teach them that 1) you don't really mean what you say and 2) they can likely manipulate you into doing/letting them do what THEY want. If you tell mom/hospital mom can't come back to your home, but then relent due to pressure, you give the impression that you don't really mind her there, and you can handle taking care of her.
This is the problem with care giving, and I've said it before. It's a slow, insidious slide. What starts out as "occasional" or "temporary" care slowly, over time, morphs into full time, life sucking 24/7 care. And you kind of end up making little deals with yourself: "well, I guess I can do extra grocery shopping. Well, I guess I can do a few more loads of laundry. Well, what's the big deal, it's only a ride to the doctor." AND, meanwhile, you set these imaginary boundaries in your mind, also; but those lines become more blurred the more you get entrenched: "OK, I guess I can handle helping in the shower, but I draw the line at incontinence. Ok, it's just a Poise pad but I draw the line at Depends. Ok, she needs Depends, but I draw the line at having to wipe her a**" and so on. I know that's how it worked for me. Every time I swore I had a "hard line" I found the line significantly softer when faced with that exact situation. But by the time that started, mom was already in Hospice, so I knew that it was temporary; but even with that knowledge, it was tough going.
You have done so much already, there is NO SHAME in admitting that mom's care is just going to be too much going forward. It's going to be a fight, I won't sugar coat it, but that fight's going to come eventually, because your mom is not going to improve. And putting it off isn't going to make that fight any easier, unfortunately.
I send you great big (((hugs)))
Having been where you are right now, may I ask you if you think she’s doing well now?
Honestly, it sounds as though she’s doing poorly, in spite of all that you and your sister have attempted on her behalf.
You have no way to predict how she’d do in residential care until you give it a shot.
My mother, a life long recluse and agoraphobic, THRIVED in residential care.
Frankly you and your sister deserve a break. Call it a respite stay. In fact call it whatever you like.
Just DON’T bring her to your home until you have enough time to see what’s available to her in residential care.
It’s time. In fact, it sounds as though it’s way PAST TIME.
You should not let her go home. Tell social worker you are done and there is no one to help this imobile woman take care of hersekf. And tell your mom she made her bed and now gets to reap the consequences of it. If you died or got sick who would take care of your mother? Use this incident as a way to get her places so you can be her child again and not her caretaker.
Tell the discharge plannners that you will not be returning to her home.
And for Heaven's sake, don't use YOUR money to pay for her care.
Your anger is you telling yourself that this is enough. You shake it by getting your life back.
I know the frustration of not doing what needs to be done and my dad is now in a situation that was easily fixed (some light brain surgery) but because he will not be told what to do he went for a walk when almost healed and tripped and fell causing serious damage to his almost healed brain. He has always been stubborn and controlling though, I am wondering if your mum is the same way?
You can't give up everything, otherwise what is the point ? You still have to protect your future. I don't know what she can afford in the way of help or if you can get her into a care home but don't give up everything for a situation that will make you miserable.