As I've said in an earlier post, I live with my elderly parents while working full-time, and I help to caregive for my invalid mother (in a wheelchair and on O2, COPD and lung cancer history, but mostly OK mentally) and help look out for my father (history of seizures and minor stroke, unsteady on his feet, at beginnings of some normal cognitive decline). We have a paid caregiver during the day while I am working.
Today I was talking to them about some things we need to do differently -- for instance, my mom needs to do small tasks she CAN do without asking for help each time, and my dad needs to not make large purchases without discussing them with me or my mom first. Because they have a tendency to jump in with criticism of each other in these conversations, I asked them not to comment on each others' issue as they only have control and responsibility over their own. Unfortunately, my mom is not good at this, and she started insisting that my solution to my dad's issue needed to be handled differently. Needless to say, after several minutes of this, with me asking her 2--3 times not to jump into the issue, I totally lost my temper, said some things that I regret, and upset her. I feel really guilty about this -- I hate when I don't deal with these situations in a mature way, and I certainly don't want to upset her and make her unhappy. I feel like I regress back to my teenage years in these moments! But at the same time, I sometimes feel like her need to be right or in control outweighs the upset she is causing me by her actions or words. On other days, this situation might be reversed with my dad pushing an issue too much or getting at my mom in a mean way.
I understand that things are difficult for both of them -- I know that growing older and dealing with aging bodies and health issues must be so incredibly hard and disheartening and depressing. And I'm sure they both have some emotional stress within all this that plays into how they handle the situation. I try to keep those things in mind when dealing with them, so letting my emotions and frustrations get the better of me upsets me too.
Any advice on how to keep hold of my emotions in these moments, hold onto my boundaries even as she/he continually pushes them, and handle these situations better and in a kinder manner?!
Thank you!
If dad is getting to the point that ha can not control/ make good financial decisions then you need to step in. Freeze his cards. Or give him preloaded cards with a minimal amount on the card so he can not make large purchases.
With your mom, develop a series of non commital responses. "Hmm, I will have to think about that" , " I'll see what I can find out", "I'll look into that tomorrow". It acknowledges her feelings, it doesn't commit you to anything, and you can go about doing what you think is best.
If she questions you, you haven't had a chance to look into it yet; you are waiting on more information; you asked (fill in the blank) about it and you are waiting for an answer.
With your dad, I agree with freezing the credit cards, or giving him a prepaid card to limit his spending.
And last but most importantly, when it gets way too much, go out on the back porch and scream!! Or go into the bathroom stuff a towel in your mouth and scream (that was my "go to" with a psycho boss before I retired). It won't solve anything, but you will feel better. Sending you HUGE hugs💜💜
I do sometimes have a small scream in the car...!