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Could you tell her that you are taking him to the vet for a.......flea treatment, vaccination, etc. and then take the dog home with you? You could explain he needs to stay there for a couple of days. It really depends on how severe her dementia is and how well you could tell her and enlist her cooperation OR have to sneak the dog out by some grand fabrication and pacify her each time she remembers about him. You may want to ask the vet for suggestions. I'm sure they have to deal with this at times.
Good luck to you and your (soon to be) new fur baby. 🐶
It really depends on the person's ability to process it. She's likely not going to like it, but, I'd try to pick something that is the least upsetting to her. I'd work on something that she might actually believe, like, the dog needs his update on shots and a flea treatment. He'll stay with you until, it's completed. Then, just keep repeating that.
My LO was obsessed with her cat, but, couldn't keep it. It was not reacting well to her dementia. So, I told her that I would take care of the cat, until my LO got her health back in AL. She needed physical therapy, medication, good diet, etc. She didn't like it, but, she accepted it After a couple of weeks, she forgot about the cat. It was shocking, because that cat was her life. But, she honestly showed no interest in an actual cat or her cat after a couple of weeks.
I personally never dealt with this (none my grandparents or great-grandparents had pets (at least not after children left. My grandma had quite a few dogs when my mom was a kid but none after. My dad's parents did have a dog when I was little (that was MEAN apparently I learned years later it was her age and poor sight) I like your guys idea of saying it's at a vet but just curious (my grandma has dementia) could perhaps someone who maybe has better memory or really persistent in that area maybe you could (after their pet goes to the vet) bring home a stuffed pet for them. I have seen people in the nursing homes I sing at be very obsessive over stuffed animals or dolls. I don't know how well it works but from observation some of them seem to think they're real.
Hello Blondie1dc. When I read Your Question I thought "oh no please do not take Your Moms most loyal and faithful companion away from Her. Now Your Mother has dementia and is approaching the end stage of Her Life and Your Moms only really great pleasure is Her dog. I bet Your Mother talks to that dog, and most likely he understands every word too. Since dogs only need to be fed once daily pay a visit to check in on Your Mom and feed the dog with a nice substantial meal. You can pick up tins of dog food and more at Your local Store. This is a sad time for You Blondie and of coarse You want to see Your Mom happy and the dog is giving so much joy.
My question is..How is she not taking care of him properly? If she is over feeding him, and this can happen as the person with dementia forgets that they have fed a pet and often that they have forgotten to eat themselves so both over eat. Is she not taking him outside so he is urinating and defecating inside? If that is the case is it possible to 1. someone come in to take the dog out 2 or 3 times a day? or 2. retrain the dog to use a litter box (if it is a smaller dog). 3. (and this might be a biggie) Where is your Mom living now? if she is in an assisted living or Memory Care facility can they not have someone walk the dog, I am sure you will pay for that just like you pay for everything else. If she is living in her home if she can not care for the dog how can she care for herself?
Animals are very important not only do they provide companionship but there is evidence that they lower blood pressure, they can keep someone calm. I am sure she communicates with the dog, I know I tell mine about a bad day that I have had. And they seem to understand. I would look for other option other than taking the dog away. Telling your Mom that you had to take the dog to the vet is an option, I presume she will never come to your house so there is not a chance she will see the dog. If you do this I would try to find a stuffed dog or other object that might "replace" the dog.
Animals provide what humans cannot - unconditional love. Someone to talk to 24/7. Do you live close enough to take the dog out and make sure it is fed? I would exhaust all other options before removing the dog. Sometimes the elderly cannot get over the loss and that would make you feel a lot worse.
Hi Blondie - My family has dealt with this twice. MIL had mild dementia. Her cat "went to the vet". She inquired about it several times but seemed to forget about it in a week or so. I recently had to re-home my Mom's dog. (By the way, the local breed club had a service that matched the dog with a fantastic new home with a vet tech who was also a groomer. Whew!) The dog had to go because Mom was not getting her outside for her chores or waited so long that the dog made a mess in the hallway or elevator at the AL. The AL didn't include pet care in their services. Mom is still aware of her loss and misses the dog, but is relieved that she no longer has the responsibility. She also really appreciated a little toy dog that looks like the real one. It looks like it is sleeping and even has a battery so you can see it "breathing". The company is perfectpetzzz.com. They have lots of choices of sleeping dogs and cats. Mom's OT asked for info on them because she had clients who would like one and the health aides told me some other residents had them. Good on you, by the way, for taking the dog yourself! Good luck!
there are some good answers here . You simply cannot argue with her , she is incapable of taking care of the dog but the old her loves having it with her . Unfortunately you will have to change the subject , let her be mad ( she will forget but every now and then she will ask again ) . Like folks in a care center who want to go home , those I've done private care and THOSE people want to go home , they ARE home lol . It is things like this that can help you relax , look her in the eye , tell her you love her and change the subject , hugs often are good too . Gives that inner Mom the feeling of being loved when they are certain everything is wrong , everyone has left them . In a way they are right because their mind has erased everything they loved ..
I so feel for you. This happened with my mom's dog, Mickey. She was standing in front of the fridge and stuffing the poor thing with food 24/7. So with much heartache, I put a lock on the fridge and took over full time care of meals and feeding, both hers and the dogs. This was met with much bitterness and resentment. I know how much she loves the dog. We all do. She went through a period of anger about not being able to feed her and anxiety that I was starving her, but it's not as bad now. Mickey gets to stay with her, is no longer obese and is healthy. You are doing the right thing. Please don't feel guilty if you have to remove the dog entirely. Try the stuffed pup route. It honestly works. Before hospice, when my mother was in hospital, I has a stuffed dog for her. It was her job to 'look after him' and it kept her relaxed. None of this is easy, none of it. But we just do our best because we love our parents. Be well.
Had to take my aunts dog back to my cousins who raised her because it was peeing and pooping all over my house...as it was at her house before we moved her in with us. My cousin has her sister and kennels with doggie doors...so she is well cared for. Heartbreaking tho. Aunt is 103 and doesn’t seem to miss her at all....
My FIL lives with us and he brought his very large and very fluffy dog with him. He is of sound mind but is very forgetful and doesn't remember to feed or give the dog water every day. I remind him everyday but he still doesn't remember. I felt so bad for the dog so I just started doing it myself. He does take the dog out but only when the dog bugs him. He loves the dog and doesn't want to give him up even though he can no longer take care of the dog properly even for walks. FIL will be renting a home nearby and my husband and I will have to take turns to go over and look after the dog. I remember when FIL and MIL got the dog, I knew they were too old to get another dog and I saw this coming a mile away. It was very selfish of them to get the dog in the first place. Even though pets help with blood pressure and companionship, I don't think it's a good idea to have a pet in late stages of life. Pets are living things and need to be taken care of. If children were in these kinds of situations, CPS would take them away. Why do we feel that it's okay to put animals in situations where they maybe neglected, I don't know. Before I get too old, I will not have animals. I care too much about their well being.
Karenbill7576, I'm confused how the FIL has sound mind but, forgets to feed and care for his dog. It's good that you and DH are looking after the dog, but, if FIL is that oblivious to the dog's needs, I'd worry about him supervising the dog out of my sight. It sounds like he may have extremely poor judgment concerning the dog.
This isn't really an answer, but just the way I handle the dog issue. My 91 year old mom was diagnosed 8 yrs ago. We moved in with her before this, which was lucky for her. We got a small dog about 6 years ago, he is her companion . Mom is very mobile , walks dog multiple times a day, short walks, she knows every one and where she lives. I can't keep her from going out. The dog is a rescue and can't or won't hold his pee. We diaper him with belly bands, mom has been able to remember this as we drilled it in repeatedly. I installed snugcam baby camera monitors that I check while at work, 5 mins.away. I can speak through it if necessary. It is funny to see what she does while I'm away, mostly sleep and color. The cameras are inexpensive and the app is free, much peace of mind . My mom's dog carries on when I take her out , he barks when she comes back. If you have to take a beloved companion away please consider the animals attachment to his person, maybe visits could be made.
It sounds like you've had lots of good advice about finding ways to keep the dog and your Mom together, so I'll just add another benefit to do so that we recently discovered... We finally had to give up on 24/7 care and moved Mom to memory care a month ago. The transition has been really difficult on Mom, and my sister and I, but a boon has been Mom's little dog. We cleared him with the memory care home (submitted his papers of up-to-date vaccines) and now he is the star of the show there with all the residents! He's still a little skittish about people attached to wheels (walkers, wheelchairs), but mostly he just brings so much joy to their faces when he accompanies me to visit Mom. So my two cents is, if you are able to keep the dog, down the road you may find unintended benefits of doing so!
I am all for seniors having animals, but sometimes, it isn’t in the best interest of the animal. My neighbor who is considered legally blind, but still can see a little, killed her 2 parakeets because she just couldn’t see that there was no food. The empty shells in the seed cup she kept thinking that there was food in the cup, but there really wasn’t because the shells were empty, so they starved to death!! I didn’t know about this till after the fact because I inquired after I didn’t hear birds for a while when I drove by her home to get to my home, I used to hear them, but didn’t anymore. You really have to have the insight into when a senior should have an animal and when they shouldn’t, it’s easier to find a senior an adult day care to curb loneliness than to give an animal. Analyze this carefully. It doesn’t make it right when it isn’t in the best interest of the animal just to curb loneliness for the senior - it then becomes animal neglect/cruelty. This is probably unrelated to this post but just an FYI situation that all should know.
When I moved my Mom in with me I also took her dog. Mom would walk her dog and get lost all the time (even walked into a busy street where a car could have hit her) so I ended up walking the dog which was too much for me as I was falling on ice in the winter and other problems.
I was honest with my Mom and told her I found someone to adopt her dog and she was happy about it.
I just walked by the front room. Hubby is sitting in his recliner, our little dog is in the chair with him. He is her human, I am OK. I do the feeding, watering, bathing, taking to vet, etc. but HE is her human. She loves him so much. In our case, she has a doggie door so she can go outside. If I ever separated them, she would grieve. I don't know how bad the situation is, but if there is some way you can let her doggie stay, please do so. Maybe a doggie door and self feeders would help.
Quite a while before we had to move mom to MC, one brother sent mom a cat that purrs (responds to petting certain areas), meows, wiggles the ears, blinks, and will even roll the upper body over to allow belly rubs while purring. He got that on Amazon. Her initial reaction, as I predicted, was 'what a waste of money' and 'he should have sent this to you' (I have cats.) Yet it still intrigued her.
Mom was NEVER a pet person, yet she was fascinated by this "toy". She knows it isn't real, but still will interact with it sometimes. On his last visit he got a toy dog at walmart. The buttons on the leash get it to walk, bark, pant, and wag its tail (she had cut out some little dog from a magazine and told me she was going to ask my other brother to get her one - that would have been a huge mistake! The poor thing would likely starve and/or pee/poop her room!!) She liked it too, but only occasionally interacts with them, if we are in her room long enough.
You might try one of these "interactive" cats/dogs, or using the vet pretext spirit the dog out, but bring him/her to visit sometimes. You could always come up with excuses why the dog has to go home with you - another appointment, dog is allergic to something at the facility so he can visit but can't stay... Plenty of excuses can be used... and usually redirection/refocus can be used to take her mind off once you leave. Eventually, as others noted, she will forget the dog or at least that the dog is/was hers. Then if you visit with the dog you can pass it off as yours....
I guess, depends on how she is not caring for the dog and how traumatic it will be for both the animal and her to be separated
If it's a feeding issue, there are automatic feeders and water devices that can easily take care of those issues. If it's potty issues, not sure of the housing situation, but doggy doors and other things exist as well, or pet sitters that can walk the dog daily if she can afford that. I'd try at least a few things before removing a pet. My husband and I are animal people, and I"m sure our kids will have this issue some day and I surely hope that every effort is made to delay that decision.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
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You could explain he needs to stay there for a couple of days. It really depends on how severe her dementia is and how well you could tell her and enlist her cooperation OR have to sneak the dog out by some grand fabrication and pacify her each time she remembers about him.
You may want to ask the vet for suggestions. I'm sure they have to deal with this at times.
Good luck to you and your (soon to be) new fur baby. 🐶
My LO was obsessed with her cat, but, couldn't keep it. It was not reacting well to her dementia. So, I told her that I would take care of the cat, until my LO got her health back in AL. She needed physical therapy, medication, good diet, etc. She didn't like it, but, she accepted it After a couple of weeks, she forgot about the cat. It was shocking, because that cat was her life. But, she honestly showed no interest in an actual cat or her cat after a couple of weeks.
Since dogs only need to be fed once daily pay a visit to check in on Your Mom and feed the dog with a nice substantial meal. You can pick up tins of dog food and more at Your local Store. This is a sad time for You Blondie and of coarse You want to see Your Mom happy and the dog is giving so much joy.
If she is over feeding him, and this can happen as the person with dementia forgets that they have fed a pet and often that they have forgotten to eat themselves so both over eat.
Is she not taking him outside so he is urinating and defecating inside? If that is the case is it possible to
1. someone come in to take the dog out 2 or 3 times a day?
or
2. retrain the dog to use a litter box (if it is a smaller dog).
3. (and this might be a biggie) Where is your Mom living now? if she is in an assisted living or Memory Care facility can they not have someone walk the dog, I am sure you will pay for that just like you pay for everything else. If she is living in her home if she can not care for the dog how can she care for herself?
Animals are very important not only do they provide companionship but there is evidence that they lower blood pressure, they can keep someone calm. I am sure she communicates with the dog, I know I tell mine about a bad day that I have had. And they seem to understand. I would look for other option other than taking the dog away.
Telling your Mom that you had to take the dog to the vet is an option, I presume she will never come to your house so there is not a chance she will see the dog.
If you do this I would try to find a stuffed dog or other object that might "replace" the dog.
Animals provide what humans cannot - unconditional love. Someone to talk to 24/7. Do you live close enough to take the dog out and make sure it is fed? I would exhaust all other options before removing the dog. Sometimes the elderly cannot get over the loss and that would make you feel a lot worse.
Like folks in a care center who want to go home , those I've done private care and THOSE people want to go home , they ARE home lol . It is things like this that can help you relax , look her in the eye , tell her you love her and change the subject , hugs often are good too . Gives that inner Mom the feeling of being loved when they are certain everything is wrong , everyone has left them . In a way they are right because their mind has erased everything they loved ..
I remember when FIL and MIL got the dog, I knew they were too old to get another dog and I saw this coming a mile away. It was very selfish of them to get the dog in the first place. Even though pets help with blood pressure and companionship, I don't think it's a good idea to have a pet in late stages of life. Pets are living things and need to be taken care of. If children were in these kinds of situations, CPS would take them away. Why do we feel that it's okay to put animals in situations where they maybe neglected, I don't know. Before I get too old, I will not have animals. I care too much about their well being.
We finally had to give up on 24/7 care and moved Mom to memory care a month ago. The transition has been really difficult on Mom, and my sister and I, but a boon has been Mom's little dog. We cleared him with the memory care home (submitted his papers of up-to-date vaccines) and now he is the star of the show there with all the residents! He's still a little skittish about people attached to wheels (walkers, wheelchairs), but mostly he just brings so much joy to their faces when he accompanies me to visit Mom. So my two cents is, if you are able to keep the dog, down the road you may find unintended benefits of doing so!
I was honest with my Mom and told her I found someone to adopt her dog and she was happy about it.
Mom was NEVER a pet person, yet she was fascinated by this "toy". She knows it isn't real, but still will interact with it sometimes. On his last visit he got a toy dog at walmart. The buttons on the leash get it to walk, bark, pant, and wag its tail (she had cut out some little dog from a magazine and told me she was going to ask my other brother to get her one - that would have been a huge mistake! The poor thing would likely starve and/or pee/poop her room!!) She liked it too, but only occasionally interacts with them, if we are in her room long enough.
You might try one of these "interactive" cats/dogs, or using the vet pretext spirit the dog out, but bring him/her to visit sometimes. You could always come up with excuses why the dog has to go home with you - another appointment, dog is allergic to something at the facility so he can visit but can't stay... Plenty of excuses can be used... and usually redirection/refocus can be used to take her mind off once you leave. Eventually, as others noted, she will forget the dog or at least that the dog is/was hers. Then if you visit with the dog you can pass it off as yours....
If it's a feeding issue, there are automatic feeders and water devices that can easily take care of those issues. If it's potty issues, not sure of the housing situation, but doggy doors and other things exist as well, or pet sitters that can walk the dog daily if she can afford that. I'd try at least a few things before removing a pet. My husband and I are animal people, and I"m sure our kids will have this issue some day and I surely hope that every effort is made to delay that decision.
Separating them may be very traumatic for both your mom and her dog.