Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
✔
I acknowledge and authorize
✔
I consent to the collection of my consumer health data.*
✔
I consent to the sharing of my consumer health data with qualified home care agencies.*
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
We could use some more details—any you’d care to share. Is your mother mentally competent? Do you live together? Has she always been like this? How long have you cared for her? Are you prepared, if you step back, to make other arrangements for her care? How needy is she? Should she be in a facility? Do you have siblings who can care for her if you “resign”?
If you decide that you’ve truly had it, you’ll need to have a plan in place before you confront your mother. You need to have a place to go if you live with her or a place for her to go if she lives with you. You will need to have other care arrangements in place for her. You will absolutely need to approach this confrontation calmly and with determination so it doesn’t dissolve into an accusatory yelling match which will solve nothing. This will take planning on your part for her and for yourself.
Don’t. You’ll never be able to reason with her. If she’s like my mom anyway. I don’t know your situation but I can no longer reason with my mom due to her dementia. I no longer try. Instead I change subject and if that doesn’t work I just tell her I love her and want to do what’s best and then say I think it’s best we end our conversation. Mostly, when I talk to her following day, it’s like nothing occurred. She has spoken very cruel to me but I remind myself it is not her but the disease talking. She must be afraid and lonely. So don’t let her manipulate you. That part is your choice, and my guess is that she’ll not get or agree to the point you’re trying to make anyway.
Your profile doesn't give any info. Really need some background to answer u correctly.
What are Moms health problems? Does she suffer from Dementia? Has she always been like this? Does she live with you or you with her? To receive the correct responses, we need to know this info.
For now, basically you will be told to set boundries. No one deserves to be abused, even by a parent. We all deserve respect. So, you tell Mom, that if she wants help, u no longer will put up with her abuse. You are an adult and deserve to be treated like one. Then, when she starts with the abuse, walk away. Saying u will come back when she can be nicer. Let her rant and rave. Stick by ur guns, don't waver. You will get better ideas if you answer the questions.
Your profile doesn't state what her condition is. People who are sick, terminally ill, have dementia, etc. really need a lot of patience and understanding. She may not even realize how you feel. She may not be capable of understanding how you feel. I might explore other options for her care, if you are the caregiver. Most of the time people of that age are not likely to change or see the light. I'd try to find a way for her to be well cared for and you to get some peace of mind.
Set your boundaries, when she starts on you, pick up your stuff and leave, no words, if on the phone tell her that you do not wish to listen to her abuse and that you are hanging up. If she asks tell her what your boundaries are and that you will keep them in place and do so. After awhile she will get the picture.
The bottom line this is about you, what you are willing to accept and what you are not.
The best way to start is when she says the 1st abusive comment, mom, I am not willing to be chewed up by you, I am willing to help but you must be civil. If you are not then I will leave, if it doesn't stop right then, leave. Try again tomorrow and if she starts in, mom, I have told you that I am not willing to be treated this way, so I am leaving now and I hope you consider how you can treat me better, then leave.
You will have to be consistent in this or you are wasting your time.
Every single time she gets nasty, you get gone. I had to increase the time between contact until the 1st words out of their mouths wasn't nasty. It took a very long no contact with my mom. I still hang up when she gets ugly. I say, well I just called to say hi, talk to you later. I love you and hang up. She is usually back pedaling as I hang up. I refuse to be sweet talked into getting kicked in the gut and that is the outcome when she is nasty from hello, so why go through the grief.
You have to decide what you are willing to do and what you are willing to put up with and how far you will go to get it to stop, I was willing to go no contact, some people are not, so you decide what you can live with.
Mother, when you do X, it makes me feel Y. When you yell insults at me, it makes me feel worthless as a human being. If this behavior happens again, I shall leave your presence or hang up the phone, depending on the situation. When my mother gets going on a roll, I tell her I'm leaving/hanging up the phone since she's obviously not having a good day, and will come back/call back when she's in a better mood. Dementia or no dementia, old age or no old age, problems or no problems, NOBODY has the right to use you as a scratching post. Period. The key to making her understand that you are serious is the use the SAME behaviors over and over again, each and every time. If you give in and let her off the hook ONCE, you'll have to start over again from scratch.
Good advice! I wasn’t so smart in communication with my mom. I thought I could reason with her. I was given the same advice by these lovely women who are telling you. I had to find out the hard way.
I wanted to believe in my dream, my fairytale ending. Then I felt like a failure if she wasn’t capable of understanding my view. The truth is not everyone can see the other side of things. It isn’t even always about agreeing. At least see that there is more than one view on a topic.
My mom wanted everything done her way. No compromises. That’s too hard. Don’t accept that from your mom because adult children matter just as much. Your feelings and opinions count just as much. Tell her that you are entitled to your view.
Thanks you for this response. My MIL is currently living with my spouse and me and our teenage children. Even though it’s my house she wants things done her way. She is constantly saying “when I was growing up.....” or “ in my family we did....” and tries to pull the kids aside and talk to them after my husband and I have disciplined them (as if she thinks they need a better response).
it’s not because she is senile, it’s just because she thinks her ways are the best ways. She has rose colored glasses about her childhood and can’t see other people’s point of view. We are not going to change her and she’s not going to change us.
having a conversation is a good start but don’t expect change. At least though you have made your point known and what she does with it is up to her. We just continue to carry on doing things our way and fixing things she does-it’s not worth the arguments. I recommend OP does the same—carry on and know that you need to take care of your own self first.
Set boundaries, walk away, try to have the talk with her, there are so many ways and sometimes you have to do what best suits you and it is a process that is not easily unlearned because by now they are sooooo set in their ways. Like the others said-you need to give more information. Has she always been like this, did something happen recently to put you over the edge of tolerance. It is very frustrating. This forum is a gold mine.
I should have given more details. I'm so excited to have found this forum. It's my first time using one. I wasn't quite sure what to do. I want to thank everyone that took the time to answer me. It gave me some great ideas. My question was how to state my point in a much needed conversation. Yes, my mother has been narsasistic and controling throughout my entire life. Now that my children are grown, and I'm aging, I have decided to seek help. I don't live with her, but do help her on my days off. I have another sister that doesn't help at all. Of course, thats who she'd rather see. I thought I had to put up with whatever she did, thanks to a christian upbringing. Now, I know, I don't. Thanks for the advice. I'm confronting her today. I do need to care for myself. It's affected my health and my life. Also, she doesn't have dementia and can still care for herself. Thanks again.
That's it, lay out your boundaries to her, and always enforce them, do not back down, if you do she will know that you are just crying wolf and she will have the upper hand.
Religion to me is a guidepost, not a hitching post. Good Luck.
Buy this book by Dr. Paul Chafetz: Loving Hard-to-Love Parents: A Handbook for Adult Children of Difficult Older Parents It is a very thin book but It will also give you some great tips. Another good one by Dr.'s Henry Cloud and John Townsend: Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life This is also from a Christian perspective . Both are excellent reads and very helpful and I think you will benefit.
Any of the boundary books by Townsend and Clark will help. You do not have to put up with abusive or manipulative behavior. If she must live with you, consider "time-outs." Help her to use more positive behavior to get her needs met: ask her to tell you how she is feeling, ask her to politely tell you what she needs... and most of all, praise positive behavior.
Does mom have dementia or is she dependent on you for her care? If so, find ways to get outside help so you can have time away from her. If she has dementia, the manipulation may be coming form a place of anxiety and fear. It's not saying that we condone her behavior, but it something to consider. Maybe she has depression or anxiety and doctor-prescribed medications may help.
When people use the "I'm Christian and so I can't do this and such" it kind of makes my skin crawl.
Yes, I am Christian also--but Jesus DIDN'T say "Turn the other cheek and then turn it again and again and again until you are a bloody mess".
We HAVE to self protect. I have found that not one person on this earth 'has my back' so to speak, so in dealing with my MIL (who is impossible) and my mother (who is next to impossible) I do what I can and step away when I need to and stay away sometimes for many months. I cannot let the criticism and anger and hate drag me down. My DH is angry with me b/c his mother hasn't allowed me in her house for the last year+. It's HER choice, not mine. My own mother only cares about her 2 friends and maybe a couple of other people, but not me. I just got through with 6 months of chemotherapy for cancer. She did not call me ONCE in those 6+ months. What a slap in the face. I have been to hell and back, sick sick sick and she never called nor asked ANYBODY how I was doing.
I used to PT CG for her but that ended last year. Brother wouldn't allow me in his home, and although she said she wanted me to help her out, she didn't stick up for me, so she lost the best and cheapest help she ever had.
My older sister, a level, calm soul like none other has listened to me complain about mother for years--the lack of reciprocal affection, the lack of gratitude, etc and I asked her why she can be so calm and care so little. Her comment? "Mother has always been totally self centered. She was a sh&7 mother and a worse grandmother, I owe her NOTHING but the commonest of respect and that's all I give her. She'll suck you dry." Wish I could be as checked out as sis---truly, she DOES NOT CARE about much of anything and it's amazing.
I DO owe mother respect and I give her that. I am not mean to her, I simply don't include her in my life at all and that seems to be working. Obviously, she doesn't care about me.
Sometimes, accepting that a family member simply doesn't care for you is beyond understanding---but remove that 'family tie' and ask yourself if you would even be involved with this person if you weren't related? Often the answer is no..it's the mere fact you're related that makes the relationship 'exist'.
In the case of dementia (which mother does not have) you have a whole new set of situations and circumstances. I'd cut mother a ton of slack if she had dementia. She's just selfish.
If your parent never acknowledges that you are now a grown adult, who can make perfectly fine decisions, react to their behavior as you would if they were any other person. You can avoid disrespect buy still get the point across that you will not allow yourself to be subjected to the behavior. Just because someone is your parent, do not mean you have to tolerate any kind of behavior.
I'm living this right now. It's hell. My mom who is actually my paternal aunt raised me after my mother died when I was nine. She suffers from body diaspora, NPD, and all the other neat disorders that go a long with this. My childhood relationship with her was hell. Never a day went by were she attacked me or my other family members. I remember her scowl on her face all the time. Now I am the only one left to help her. She has some good days then bam, she's mentally losing it or manipulating in some form. Of course she gets pissed when I try to talk to her about. She acts as if she's innocent. Gaslighting me. Like I don't know what she's doing. Anyhoot, I'll be posting more now that I found y'all. I have a therapist. She told me its going to be hard for me. I need prayers. Cheers
Tea, sending prayers for you and a great big warm hug to you.
May you find a way to disconnect from this person that has never been a mom to you. She has made choices and she gets to live with those consequences. It is okay for you to step back and not be her scratching post. Hugs!
When I first came back home to live/help my mother she started to verbally and emotionally abusing me. I just told her that she is not allow to treat me this way and I Will Not allow it. Furthermore, if she continues I will walk away (move out) and to be never heard from again. He33, I won't even be at her death bed. At this time, she was more with it. She knew I meant it. I have never let people disrespect me-ever! She did stop for awhile. Now that her mind is going more she will say hurtful things to me here and there and I don't reply. I just walk out of her room. I don't go out-of-my way for her either. Every thing that she needs/wants done is on my time and my schedule. She would have me running around for her everyday if she could.
I never said a word to my mom.. I just decided one day I didnt deserve to be abused and when she starts I just say ‘I’ll see you later mom” and leave. I also practice some pretty strong energetic work before and after I visit her. And always send love to her higher self. best wishes
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
If you decide that you’ve truly had it, you’ll need to have a plan in place before you confront your mother. You need to have a place to go if you live with her or a place for her to go if she lives with you. You will need to have other care arrangements in place for her. You will absolutely need to approach this confrontation calmly and with determination so it doesn’t dissolve into an accusatory yelling match which will solve nothing. This will take planning on your part for her and for yourself.
What are Moms health problems? Does she suffer from Dementia? Has she always been like this? Does she live with you or you with her? To receive the correct responses, we need to know this info.
For now, basically you will be told to set boundries. No one deserves to be abused, even by a parent. We all deserve respect. So, you tell Mom, that if she wants help, u no longer will put up with her abuse. You are an adult and deserve to be treated like one. Then, when she starts with the abuse, walk away. Saying u will come back when she can be nicer. Let her rant and rave. Stick by ur guns, don't waver. You will get better ideas if you answer the questions.
The bottom line this is about you, what you are willing to accept and what you are not.
youre welcome .
Has she been diagnosed with dementia?
Are you dependent upon her for your housing/support/board?
If not, walk away.
If yes, stop care-giving and get a job. Save your money and move out.
You will have to be consistent in this or you are wasting your time.
Every single time she gets nasty, you get gone. I had to increase the time between contact until the 1st words out of their mouths wasn't nasty. It took a very long no contact with my mom. I still hang up when she gets ugly. I say, well I just called to say hi, talk to you later. I love you and hang up. She is usually back pedaling as I hang up. I refuse to be sweet talked into getting kicked in the gut and that is the outcome when she is nasty from hello, so why go through the grief.
You have to decide what you are willing to do and what you are willing to put up with and how far you will go to get it to stop, I was willing to go no contact, some people are not, so you decide what you can live with.
You can do this!
Good luck!
I wanted to believe in my dream, my fairytale ending. Then I felt like a failure if she wasn’t capable of understanding my view. The truth is not everyone can see the other side of things. It isn’t even always about agreeing. At least see that there is more than one view on a topic.
My mom wanted everything done her way. No compromises. That’s too hard. Don’t accept that from your mom because adult children matter just as much. Your feelings and opinions count just as much. Tell her that you are entitled to your view.
it’s not because she is senile, it’s just because she thinks her ways are the best ways. She has rose colored glasses about her childhood and can’t see other people’s point of view. We are not going to change her and she’s not going to change us.
having a conversation is a good start but don’t expect change. At least though you have made your point known and what she does with it is up to her. We just continue to carry on doing things our way and fixing things she does-it’s not worth the arguments. I recommend OP does the same—carry on and know that you need to take care of your own self first.
best wishes
Like the others said-you need to give more information. Has she always been like this, did something happen recently to put you over the edge of tolerance.
It is very frustrating.
This forum is a gold mine.
Thanks again.
Religion to me is a guidepost, not a hitching post. Good Luck.
Loving Hard-to-Love Parents: A Handbook for Adult Children of Difficult Older Parents
It is a very thin book but It will also give you some great tips.
Another good one by Dr.'s Henry Cloud and John Townsend:
Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life
This is also from a Christian perspective .
Both are excellent reads and very helpful and I think you will benefit.
Does mom have dementia or is she dependent on you for her care? If so, find ways to get outside help so you can have time away from her. If she has dementia, the manipulation may be coming form a place of anxiety and fear. It's not saying that we condone her behavior, but it something to consider. Maybe she has depression or anxiety and doctor-prescribed medications may help.
2. Make them stick
3. Walk away when silliness commences
4. Repeat Step 2 and 3
Do not give up, stay firm and you will see this through. Good luck!
Yes, I am Christian also--but Jesus DIDN'T say "Turn the other cheek and then turn it again and again and again until you are a bloody mess".
We HAVE to self protect. I have found that not one person on this earth 'has my back' so to speak, so in dealing with my MIL (who is impossible) and my mother (who is next to impossible) I do what I can and step away when I need to and stay away sometimes for many months. I cannot let the criticism and anger and hate drag me down. My DH is angry with me b/c his mother hasn't allowed me in her house for the last year+. It's HER choice, not mine. My own mother only cares about her 2 friends and maybe a couple of other people, but not me. I just got through with 6 months of chemotherapy for cancer. She did not call me ONCE in those 6+ months. What a slap in the face. I have been to hell and back, sick sick sick and she never called nor asked ANYBODY how I was doing.
I used to PT CG for her but that ended last year. Brother wouldn't allow me in his home, and although she said she wanted me to help her out, she didn't stick up for me, so she lost the best and cheapest help she ever had.
My older sister, a level, calm soul like none other has listened to me complain about mother for years--the lack of reciprocal affection, the lack of gratitude, etc and I asked her why she can be so calm and care so little. Her comment? "Mother has always been totally self centered. She was a sh&7 mother and a worse grandmother, I owe her NOTHING but the commonest of respect and that's all I give her. She'll suck you dry." Wish I could be as checked out as sis---truly, she DOES NOT CARE about much of anything and it's amazing.
I DO owe mother respect and I give her that. I am not mean to her, I simply don't include her in my life at all and that seems to be working. Obviously, she doesn't care about me.
Sometimes, accepting that a family member simply doesn't care for you is beyond understanding---but remove that 'family tie' and ask yourself if you would even be involved with this person if you weren't related? Often the answer is no..it's the mere fact you're related that makes the relationship 'exist'.
In the case of dementia (which mother does not have) you have a whole new set of situations and circumstances. I'd cut mother a ton of slack if she had dementia. She's just selfish.
goodbye! Actions speak louder than words.
She has some good days then bam, she's mentally losing it or manipulating in some form. Of course she gets pissed when I try to talk to her about. She acts as if she's innocent. Gaslighting me. Like I don't know what she's doing.
Anyhoot, I'll be posting more now that I found y'all. I have a therapist. She told me its going to be hard for me. I need prayers.
Cheers
May you find a way to disconnect from this person that has never been a mom to you. She has made choices and she gets to live with those consequences. It is okay for you to step back and not be her scratching post. Hugs!
Remember we teach people how to treat us.
Take care of yourself because no one else will!
best wishes