How do you balance competing needs of aging parents, work and your spouse and kids?

Hi- I just came across this and wanted to share a story. When I was young my Mother and Father cared for my grandparents, one of whom had dementia, the other crippled with arthritis. The effect on me and my siblings feeling ignored and unimportant was profound. There was trouble in school, poor grades and severe depression that went unnoticed because of all the other things going on. The effects of this lasted for myself and my siblings long after my grandparents passed away. I really recommend that you take the time to talk with your children on a regular basis about their feelings or have them see a counselor. They may not say much at first but they cannot help but feel neglected.

Your parents' are only going to increase. They need more regular help than just relying on you to respond to each crisis or take them to medical appointments. Why does it have to be you?

Help them arrange as much in-home health care as they need.They need to know youcaare, but yo0 do not need to be their only helper.

If your parents have the resources, it's time for senior living. Sounds like they are very independent people and they are cranky with having to rely upon you to take care of them.
You are enabling a situation that doesn't serve you or your parents.
If senior living is beyond their financial situation, firmly establish boundaries and stick to them. They must make their appointments according to your schedule (you are the one with other obligations). Set up some kind of med management - either pill packets or a pill dispenser. Look into companion support (for transportation help with chores, etc).

'Sucking it up' doesn't make for a better situation for anyone. It only exacerbates the current situation which is bad for everyone involved.

You need further support for yourself as the situation will worsen with time.
You need help....I say again for yourself. Your health insurance will pay for a psycologist for you. Or a Hospice Chaplain. If not elgible . The hospice chaplain deals with you. Normally it is post death. But you have those symptoms now. Remember a minister does not have the skills of a Hospice Chaplain.

My heart goes out to you and I know how you feel - been there, done that. I understand. First of all, what is the problem and complaints of the sibling. You need to get facts and sit down and discuss possible solutions with this person. If this does NOT work, and it might not, then tell them to buzz off. Either take over the job or shut up. You may have a strained relationship with that person but does it really matter when they are upsetting yo so much. Sometimes you just have to walk away. Second, it is quite obvious you love your parents but they are entering into a deeper, darker place where things will get worse and who has to take the brunt of it - you? You should start thinking of the price YOU are paying to do the impossible before you are destroyed. It might be time to place them where they can be taken care of. Thank god you have a great job - it probably is helping you keep your sanity - do not lose it or give it up. One option might be to hire someone as a caretaker who can care for them to free you up to live a normal life as you have every right to have and who will transport them to doctors. YOUR prime view should be upon YOU (you still have a life ahead of you) and YOUR family. This is YOUR time of life. They lived their lives. When the demands and problems of caring for the elders is impacting you in a very big, negative way, you have no choice but to get a caretaker or place them. You cannot have your cake and eat it too. YOU are the important one at this point in your life.

The only answer is fir you to get help from family members, friends or hire Caregiver help before you get burned out.

Prayers

There are a lot of good answers here already.
I was in your position. Set healthy boundaries with you parents and sibling now, before things get worse. You should not be doing all the work.

I didn't do that and I ended up blocking all 4 of my siblings because I couldn't stand the constant demands and abuse from them. They were more demanding than my mother. The social worker finally told me to step back and let them do the work. They got mad and now they won't speak to me and it is LOVELY.

My husband's psychiatrist told me "going above and beyond the call of duty NEVER ends well for the caregiver." I needed to hear that.

You can't take good care of anyone else if you don't take care of yourself first.

Here's a link to a good question about boundaries that I saw here today: https://www.agingcare.com/questions/what-boundaries-rules-etc-have-you-set-for-your-loved-ones-464360.htm

Newtothis411: You are doing stellar JOBS thus far! However, at some juncture, you are going to run out of steam and you're already aware of that. So if the older sibling wrongly believes that you aren't doing a great job, let them take on some of the load and/or refuse to heed advice that is most unhelpful. At this point, you don't need acrimony, else it causes you to feel faint and ill. You must seek respite through any means possible, e.g. Visiting Angels, a church or any other organization (baring the Novel Coronavirus).

I talked with my brothers, who both worked, and we set up a schedule for what days of the week they could help. Two of the grandchildren also wanted to be included. The majority of work was still mine but everyone else was a great help. I also talked to my mother about the financial end of it. We didn't want to put her in a nursing home but couldn't afford to pay for 24 hour care from some of the companies who could provide that. I ended up sending a private message out via FB to people I trusted to ask if any of them knew of anyone who would want to stay with Mom. I offered a generous pay amount that Mom and I could afford if we put our resources together. Mom agreed that I would be reimbursed from her estate when the time came. That way, she was able to stay in her own home. We did find a wonderful person who stayed with Mom 24/7. Of course, we gave her time off and sat with Mom a few times a week ourselves but it all worked out to where none of us was over-burdened, Mom got to stay in her own home and the nursing home didn't get to charge us $7000.00 a month. Your situation may not be the same but with prayer, creative thinking and family that is willing to help (even a little) you may be able to work things out the best way possible for you and yours.

First get another dr. One that deals with older people
second if they can possibly afford it get them into assisted living
bless you

Caring for aging, ill parents can lead to a downward spiral. You need to step up now and make some hard decisions.

1. Talk with honestly your sibling and decide what he/she wants from you. Sit down and work out a specific list of responsibilities. One to do appointments, one groceries, one to do meds, one to do maintenance, one to oversee aids.

2. Can you devote a specific day of the week or month to run errands or help with appointments? Would your employer grant you time off for this? That would give you some leverage and ability to say no.

3. Get a handle on meds. One of you should take charge of medications, ordering, set up automatic reorders or reminders, etc. to prevent emergency calls. This will also help you keep an eye on if they are being taken as ordered. BTW one of the best things about AL is having them take over administering meds.

4. start researching care facilities and educate yourself on what each type offers and what level of care they offer. Don’t wait until a crisis to look for options. You want to find one that will be a good fit for your parents. Your parents and sibling may say no but no one can foresee the future.

5. Make your own plans now and make sure your family knows what you want. My mother had told me for years that she did not want to have to live with one of her children. She had seen the toll it took on my aunt to have Grandma living with her. So when the time came we toured her options together and she selected the AL she felt most comfortable in.

My parents lived to be 89 and 93. Yes, I was blessed to have them such a long time but honestly the last few years of each was a non-stop whirl of dr visits, runs to ER, panic calls in the middle of the night, falls, and pleas for help.

You wrote “I don’t want this to be my memory of my parents”. I have never heard anyone say or write that their parents’ old age or death was a good memory. If the death was accidental, there are so many regrets about how it could have been avoided. If it was a continuous decline, the memories are even worse.

Make the best choice you can (and there are NO wonderful options). Look forward to the time when the final problems can fade in your memory, and you can instead remember the much better times in the past. Do the best you can now, even if it hurts.

I totally understand!! The exhaustion is overwhelming! Loving your parents does not mean that you don’t take care of yourself! Been there. I was a nurse and worked every weekend through the time my parents were so needy. Had a school-age son who was homeschooled. We, together with my parents, purchased and remodeled a home where we lived together so my husband and I could better care for them. My most was 90% bed-bound. My brother lived about 15 min away. At times, I would ask him to go with them to an appointment when I needed to attend to my son’s school during the day. My husband worked from home which made weekend work for me ok with our marriage. After 3 years, my mom had to go to a nursing home because we could no longer care for her. Our home was 5 min from both the hospital and the nursing home which was important because the last year of my dad’s life was spent in either the hospital or the nursing home. Checking in each of them daily, in different facilities, was exhausting. I gave myself Wednesdays off for sanity’s sake.

You schedule their medical and other appointments when it is most convenient for you, or you don't drive them. When my Hubby had to stop driving, that is what I did and still do. He got upset for a little bit, but he learned that is the way it is. I don't know what you do for a living, but when I worked, I was able to schedule my work week to Tues - Sat. all my mother's doctor's appointments had to be on Monday period. In my case, it was good for me and good for the job. I worked in IT and did computer maintenance on Sat, when there were a minimum of people working. I also had to take my 2 days off together, no being off on Sunday and the other day off on Wednesday.

When I was growing up, if anyone criticized my mother's cooking, she would hand them the spoon or knife or whatever she was holding and without a word, walk out of the kitchen and let them do it. I recommend the same. If siblings criticize you, tell them since you aren't doing it right, they can do it and leave. Don't argue with them, just do it. Trust me, in mom's case, we learned not to bother her when she was cooking.

Your first responsibility is to yourself, your husband and children. On top of that you must make sure that your parents are taken care of, but it does not have to be you doing it. Are your parents living with you? Have you had the talk with them about how they want to be cared for when they are not able to care for themselves and when it's too much for you to take care of them? Do they have a preference for whether they have aides coming to the house or live in a quality assisted living facility? There are pros and cons to each. Can they afford sufficient aids and a quality assisted living facility? Make sure that all of their paperwork is in order so that you can take over if they become incapacitated: power of attorney for medical and financial decisions, living will so that you know their medical directives, some banks and financial institutions (and social security) have special requirements about POA and being able to act on their behalf. If aides are coming in, be sure that all valuables and personal financial and other personal information are locked away. With my 97-year old mother, who has advanced dementia, it takes a village to take care of her. She's in an excellent assisted living facility. They will get her vaccinated next week, and they take very good care of her and she has caring staff around her all day and night in addition to the other residents. I'm so grateful that she is being so well cared for. The only downside is that I cannot visit her. Hopefully when we're all vaccinated I'll be able to do so.

You put out the fire that is burning the hottest and hire some help. I didn’t realize how much I needed to spend that money until I HAD to do it. What was I saving it for?

I have found keeping a schedule for visits is most helpful. That way everyone knows what to expect. When I am in town, I make extra food for our dinner to take a home cooked meal to Mom.
I usually visit on Wednesday afternoon and Sunday. My sister visits on Thursday. We make appointments on Wednesday or Thursday, if possible. Hopefully, your siblings will be able to schedule weekly visits.
Hope this helps you.

We love 2,000 miles away from MIL. She is in assisted living. When there are medical appts she needs help getting to that the facility doesn’t do, we hired a geriatric care manager to not only drive her, but to also be her voice and advocate for her. Life Changing!

Sorry but this is long.

Ok, first of all, and this is just my opinion, you are your sibling don't agree and that is going to make dual POA impossible. Your parents need to be told that it is either one or the other. If your older sibling is POA, you are not the love slave. You literally will have to tell her to make arrangements for your parents. What will you do when they need to go to a facility due to some medical crisis, or a fall and broken hip? Who will decide what happens to them? You and your sister together? You don't agree now. Trust me when I tell you it is not going to get better.

2, your parents don't get to do "hard no" on facility. They are not functionally independently. They might pretend that but you are making this all possible. So, I would tell them that this is just all becoming too much for you and ask them what their plan is to manage all the things they cannot manage without your intervention. Don't get trapped into any sort of guilting from them or your sibling. This is not your job to take care of everything for your parents. You have a life and. you get to live it. They need to understand first, that you are not making their care. your life's work. Then they need to figure out how to manage.

Tough love? Absolutely. Being Mortal is an excellent book; actually I listened to it on Audible since finding time to read is an issue. But it is not a book with a check list of how to manage. Instead, it helped me begin a dialogue with my father in law who was living in their home with MIL but not really managing that well. Instead of telling him that he needed to move or get help, instead, I asked him how he envisioned the next year or so and what did he think might happen? Turns out he did not know and he admitted that. He did finally agree to move; she had dementia and was not bathing or caring for herself and he, at 93, was past managing her and him and the house. They did not expect us to do it and thank god they had money for their care. He said he could not move and again, instead of having a fit, I asked why and turns out he could not figure out what to do to make a move happen. They had been in their house since 1957 and he literally could not figure out the first step. I of course helped with that. My husband was their only child who lived locally and also POA.

They moved to independent living and within 6 months, they were both in memory care. My sisters in law who lived across county, told me that moving would kill them and that instead we needed home care. I told them fine, go ahead and make those arrangements and be prepared to manage when the agency fails or people don't show up because I am not doing it. They stopped with that recommendation. Moving did not kill them but the process and then the facility demonstrated their decline. He had vascular dementia so he looked like he was keeping it together but he really was not.

I share this because I know you feel trapped and frantic about all you have to do. I did also and my kids are grown. And I am a nurse and I knew what was coming. You have to figure out what YOU want and make them understand they are responsible for what will happen. You cannot do this all and seriously, do you want to make your parents happy at the expense of your husband, kids and your own life. You are not the little girl any more trying to please. And you don't have to take crap from your sibling. It is going to be a tough conversation but you either have to have it or go on as you are.

Their needs are only going to increase and your life will be thrown completely out of balance. Time to have a frank conversation with your older sibling about "their future". Fail to plan or plan to fail.

Do not wait for another emergency to talk to your older sibling about what *you* are and are not willing to do for your parents; however, first you need to have a discussion with your spouse - your marriage is your priority - about what you will and will not do for your parents.

You do not need to explain yourself to your older sibling beyond "I have discussed it with my spouse and this is what works for my family". You and your older sibling need to put up a united front. If older sibling refuses, I would consider stepping back because you will not get far in being able to advocate for your parents. Without your support, your older sibling in all likelihood will soon see the value of your assistance.

Your parents do not get to dictate to you. You are an adult and must do what is best for all of you.

A “hard no” to a facility you say? Amazing how even as we age, we still take no for an answer from our parents. Of course they say no and continue to say no so long as you are prepared to sacrifice your marriage, your children and yourself. Chances are we wouldn’t take no for an answer from a stranger. Instead of thinking with your heart, start using your head. Make a list of their needs. With a shared POA, Decide what you and your brother are willing to do and can realistically do while still maintaining your own lives. Decide who will take the lead. Then look for options. Contact an elder attorney, send a letter to your parents’ doctor outlining your concerns about them living independently, talk to your area council on aging for local resources. Tour some of the assisted living facilities and find one or two you like, then take your folks to lunch there and observe how the staff treats residents. Then, if your parents are still aware, sit down with them and outline their options, Along with what you and your brother are willing to do. Sometimes we have to let people fail on their own. It doesn’t mean we don’t care. So we maintain a close watch and prepare.

Who has POA for health and finances?

Have you and sibling had a chat with mom and dad about what their wishes are as they age? Do you have a handle on what they can afford?

Consider having them take a cab to doc appointments and call in to attend remotely.

Consider getting them to a geriatrician and eliminating most of the " specialists". That was a life changing move for us.

Consider an Independent or Assisted Living facility with medical care on site so that you can go back to being a loving daughter and not "life manager".

Remember that your obligations are to minor children and your marriage. Your parents have had a lifetime to plan for old age.

Read Atul Gawande's On Being Mortal.

"I don’t mean to whine..."

No worry, this is a safe place to whine. So, whine all you want. There is even a separate thread just for whining.

We all need to vent or else we will explode.

Here's the link to it. Please feel free to join in.

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/my-whine-moment-today-168013.htm?orderby=recent

Newtothis, you wrote:

"...dad with a progressive neuro degenerative disease & mom with a variety of chronic conditions..."
"...worsening attitude of my mom has me about burned out."
"I know I’m blessed to still have my parents..."

Are you really? How many years of this blessing do you want? 5, 10 or until you die from the stress of the blessing?

My mother who has Alzheimer's needs 5 people in order to support her around the clock. The first 2 years, I was doing it all by myself. That meant I was destroying my health, destroying the peace and harmony in my home, neglecting my children, putting my marriage at risk. I had to move my mom out before she destroyed me and my family.

You ask for tips and advice. My recommendation is to bring in as much help as your parents can afford and qualify for. Your parents, not you, should pay for the help. When COVID threat passes, and when you can't handle them at home anymore, then you should find an appropriate facility to move them to.

As for you siblings, tell them if they can do better then they should take over the responsibility. Tell them to step up or shut up.

Priority Order should be

1. Minor Kids
2. Self (everyone forgets this one...)
3. Spouse
5. Work
6. Adult kids
7. Aging parents

This isn’t about questioning or proving your love for your parents. Of course you love them.

You don’t have to suck it up. You are allowed to vent. Everyone else has! Some of us have crappy siblings with all the drama attached.

We have all been there at one point in time or going through caregiving now.

Have your parents considered going into a facility?

Very sorry that your family has been effected with Covid. It’s terribly frustrating and frightening. I hope things improve soon.

It is completely exhausting to care for our parents and take care of our own needs too.

How far away are siblings from mom and dad's home?
Perhaps you can ask their doctors for palliative care, where the medical team or nurse goes to them. Hire an agency part time? Ask the siblings to pitch in once a week or month.
Get the video appointments with the doctors instead of driving them to the doctor.
COVID puts a sticker in everything too.

baby steps, breathe... one day at a time.