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Line up as many resources as you can. Most will say to hire help, which is great if you can afford it, but some of us can't/are caring for parents who are indigent or close to that. It's also hard when we don't have much of a support system.
I've been looking into local government resources to line up any help I can get. Mom isn't yet close to qualifying for Medicaid care but that may be in the cards at some point. And yes my relatives judge b/c spouse and I have some resources, but we also don't have kids ourselves and will need to pay for care, so we can't deplete our resources caring for Mom.
The most important thing: Post here. You're not alone. <3
Edit: Crossposted with Fawnby below. Of course s/he's right. You're an adult with choices. If caregiving is making you too depressed to function, it's probably time to step back. If in the US, contact your local Council on Aging - there are usually other state resources available also.
No one should ever be expected to care for their abuser, whether the abuse was 50 years ago or yesterday. If he was nasty a neighbour that had no children would you feel obligated to jump in whenever he has an issue? He has not earned the right to your care and attention, call the ambulance if it's an emergency and let them deal with it, or if it's not that urgent he can wait until your schedule permits you to help (but only if you choose to). And maybe don't tell him when you have plans, then he won't be able to sabotage them
I would not care for a parent who had been abusive to me.
I was luckily raised by wonderful parents, and it IS a matter of luck.
I do not consider blood to be thicker than water. My genetics were a happy accident. We are born to either more or less capable parents. Once grown we are responsible to make the best life we can for ourselves and those we love and care for, for those we bring into this world. Our obligation is to our family moving forward, and to ourselves, not to those who failed in our care.
Just how I roll. My choice. My own humble opinion. We each must make our own, recognizing that it IS our choice, and we are responsible for making it.
That is such good advice! I looked it up where I live and it states "if you believe that an elder or dependent adult is self neglecting due to diminished mental capacity or physical limitations. You do not have to give us your name or other personal information for us to investigate the allegations." My mother-in-law is 95 and won't move to assisted living. Her daughter has POA but my husband (her son) and I live closest to her. Daughter gets frustrated and stays away for months. She's fallen twice this year and is sliding toward dementia. If she gets bad enough we can do this. Thank you!
You don't say what age Dad is but if your retired he has to in his 80s. Does he have money, if so he needs to use it to hire someone to the his wash, his cleaning, errands and grocery shopping. It doesn' have to be everyday. In an 8 hr period someone should be able to do it all. Grocery shopping can be don't on the internet and picked up when ready. Prescription can be delivered. How dirty can one man get.
Call the office of aging and ask for resources. If he is low income, maybe he will qualify for in home Medicaid. There's senior bussing he can use for appts and shopping. Tell him to pretend he has no children. He needs to do for himself and when he can't time to go to an Assisted Living or Long-term care. You can call APS and tell them you need to go back to work. Can Dad be evaluated for help. This will put him on their radar. If they ever feel he need to be placed in a facility you tell them that the State will need to step in because u will not be taking over his care. No POA or guardianship. He abused you as a child and you do not want to be in his life.
You had a very good reason from the start to say No. I believe what we reap we sow. What goes around comes around. I know, we need to forgive but I also think people have to realize that the wrongs they have done in life come back on them before they die. People like your Dad feel they are entitled but you need to show him he isn't. Whatever u do for him is out of the goodness of your heart not because he expects it. And for me, when someone expects something out of me, the answer is usually no.
There are some excellent responses below. I had a similar situation with my mom. I made sure she was cared for but not by me. I cared for her from a distance because everything can be delivered. At the end I would not see her unless my sister or husband was with me because then she would be calm.
Take care of yourself, set up what you can and live your life. Your health will decline under all this stress and then where will you be?
VNA has social workers . If you see your Primary care doctor or His they should able to give you a social worker to set up services . They can connect you to a senior home care provider that accepts medicare - from there they Hook you up with a case Manager , Nurse , Certified Nurse assistant ( for bathing and Light house keeping ) get meals on Wheels and a grocery shopper or Home meals like hello Fresh or Martha Stewart Food Boxes delivered . It sounds like he can do his own Laundry . I will buy 4 or 5 Bottles of Laundry soap . the VNA can send people in too for Physical therapy and social work that doesnt cost anything - Your PCP Can write a script for Physical Therapy and a Visiting Nurse. Eventually a schedule is worked out and he remains Independent and you have your Life and Know he isn't alone . If he has a extra bedroom you can get a Over Night person thru care.com Or the Next door Neighborhood app . I go to Community acupuncture for Myself . There are caregivers courses and support groups - Upaya Zen Center has classes by Donation for caregivers and Meditation groups . Create a strong Boundary for yourself and speak up for yourself when you have to . Remember you are basically the parent now - have compassion for yourself .
You just don't. A once abused child should NEVER have to take on the care of the one who abused them. Period. There are plenty of other options out there for their care, so let their care fall on someone else, and you continue to get yourself healthy.
Best answer - for all concerned - is that you don't.
You said yourself that you are already dealing with anxiety and depression.
Abuse, any kind of abuse, leaves a mark. Maybe not a physical one - but it doesn't have to be physical to leave scars.
No one should be in the position of caring for their abuser. For a number of reasons.
1. Whether you have processed and healed - or not - you are throwing yourself right back into the lion's den. Into an unhealthy environment where you are regularly exposed to your abuser.
2. Your abuser...is now dependent on YOU. In very rare cases, that can make them thankful. But that almost never happens. The more likely scenario is that it makes them resentful and angry - and they take that out on YOU. They feel indebted to you, and that is unsettling, so they have to turn it on you and make it about you being in their debt and owing them care - just for being born.
3. Even if you happen to feel healthy and like you have moved on (and it sounds like you may not from your post) you are still very prone to have all of those old feelings dredged up from spending so much time with your parent. That is bound to make you feel like you did when the emotional abuse was occurring. And take you right back to that time.
4. The emotional abuse could start again.
5. You are not dealing with your parent as a child now. You are now an adult - fully grown - with all of the physical power and responsibility that comes with that. And you are now dealing with - not another equal adult - but a vulnerable elderly one - one that is generally only slightly less protected than small children and the disabled - so you are in the power position now- and any sense that YOU are wielding that power in any way - wrong - will be observed by many - in the way that your parent's emotional abuse of you as a child SHOULD have been.
Why is #5 important? Because it would be very easy for your parent to back you into a corner, provoke you and push you too far - and bring back all of that old pain - and you have to always be in control of yourself. YOU have to always be one step ahead of your parent and you cannot under any circumstances ever let them get to you to the point that you cannot reign it in.
I have watched my DH and SIL deal with my FIL's continued abuse now for years. Only the physical abuse stopped. I have had to reign myself in at times. He is a terrible man. But he is still a vulnerable old man in the eyes of the world. And he can play the part very well. Our children have not been allowed around him in years. But we have had a support system and we have had a goal. To get him into a care facility. And we finally succeeded. It's only slightly more peaceful - but at least we aren't around him as much.
From my perspective. You should never have to care for your abuser. It's not good for anyone concerned.
Thank you for your response. The responses here have been so helpful. You are correct.. I wake up every morning thinking about how I was treated as a child. It is often hard to get my day started because of this and having to be the caregiver makes it harder. I do not mind helping out but I'm broken in so many ways because of the mistreatment. It has affected so many life decisions in a negative way. My daughter will not really have anything to do with him because of how he has acted with her as well over the years. He honestly wants me to give up anything I like, love or need to do and spend all day, everyday with him. This is not fair. I would not want that for my daughter when I'm older.. I want her to have a life.
Exposing your daughter to an abusive grandfather she "will not really have anything to do with because of how he has acted with her over the years" and a depressed anxious mother is doing HER an enormous disservice in favor of caring for HIM. You owe him nothing and her everything.
She lives in another state. He asked many times why she will not communicate with him and I finally told him that the reason is because of the way he talks to her and the negativity. He told me that he is not going to change so I no longer encourage her to communicate with him. She is definitely my priority . She does not know about my depression and anxiety because I do not want her to worry about me.
I spent the last seven years caring for my narcissistic, antisocial mother, who moved near us when my husband retired, having decided that we were going to be responsible for her life - without any discussion. We didn't realise this at first, and by the time we did we were in too deep to get out easily. The strain on our marriage and on my mental health was quite heavy - I ended up in counselling and on anti-anxiety medication. But we still didn't feel able to stop caring (partly because we didn't want to look bad to family and outsiders, I admit), though we changed the ways we did it and became less hands-on. I would never blame anyone who did stop, though, if they felt bad enough.
It took me a long time to accept that my needs were as valid as my mother's - I'm not sure I ever did fully, because 60 years of scapegoat training is hard to undo. My mum died a few months ago and people have commented on how 'lifted' I look. I hope you don't have to wait that long.
This resonates with me so much. My mother is also an antisocial narcissist. I have been caring for her for the past year and a half since her cancer diagnosis. She has stage 4 lung cancer that spread to her spine and brain. A surgery to remove the spinal tumor left her disabled from the waist down. She is unable to walk, wipe, etc. on her own. I feel obligated to care for her. My sister completely cut her off shortly after her diagnosis so I have been alone caring for her now without a break. I have so many feelings about this. I also feel bad not about what others will think but about if I abandon her the same way she did us as kids. My mother has trained me to care for her my entire life, I am terrified to do any different even though I feel like this is stripping me of everything. Growing up my mom was an alcoholic. We lived in hotels and motels for some time then apartments and finally she bought a house. She used to take us to bars and around her alcoholic and drug addicted friends. I was constantly terrified and I never felt safe, I still experience that lack of safety often. I am in therapy and truly doing my best but I am struggling more than I ever have before. All I want is for this woman to love me and care about me but she never will. She is angry that she has cancer and is disabled and anytime I am remotely happy she tries to tear me down and take it from me. It is extremely hard to escape this type of abuse, it's possible just very hard. I am constantly worried about doing "the right thing". I came on here hoping I could connect with other people who have been through this or are going through it and we could support each other. It would be nice to talk to people who understand this type of abuse.
You should consider outside care.Your anger at her for her behavior to you as a child may overwhelm you when she mistreats you again.You dont owe her your mental peace.
Having an abusive parent -- physical and/or emotional abuse, abuse is abuse -- is so difficult to work through generally and harder when the abusive parent becomes elderly and in need of care/help. Sorry you are having to deal with this, hugs.
You might find working with a talented therapist to unpack all of this and to work on healing a worthwhile endeavor. No one can change what happened in the past, we can only change ourselves in how we act/react and perhaps reframe the past as we move forward. And this is not an easy nor quick thing. It take lots of time to heal, and lots of work. The healing journey is not linear; more two steps forward and one step backwards.
One way to "reframe" things is how one defines "caring." Sure, caring can be one-on-one, 24/7, doing it all yourself. Caring can ALSO mean, assuring the abuser gets the care they need but provided by others! The later is still caring. That care by others can go as far as handing it off entirely to others (facility care such as assistive living or a nursing home; or even to Adult Protective Services whereby a State guardian is appointed.) W/the later (APS and State guardianship), you still assured they got the care they needed AND ALSO YOU CARED for yourself by not subjecting yourself the abuser and their abuse!
My mother was a toxic person her entire life (these people are damaged, wounded individuals who have no empathy or insight into their abuse, nor do they make efforts to do the work to heal themselves). After my father passed away when I was a kid, the State took custody away from my mom and I went into foster care until I left for college.
After graduate school, marriage and starting my own family; I reconnected with my mother. At the time, I -- wrongly -- assumed that as an accomplished adult (career, husband, home, family -- productive member of society) she'd see me for the adult I had become and we could get along. She was on better behavior, I still had to correct things from time to time, saying I would NOT tolerate X or Y.
Fast forward, she ended up moving in with us -- she was in dire financial straights w/her history of compulsive gambling. It kinda worked. She still gambled, burnt through ever nickel from Social Security and my dad's pension; but then there was no condo to take out second mortgages on or loans from loan sharks as she no longer had that asset. It was sold to pay off all her debts at the time she moved in, she was left with virtually nothing after having paid cash for a very nice condo 25 years earlier after my dad passed. The condo should have been a nice nest egg for her.
As she declined, I tried to help her (taking her to all MD and PT visits, encouraging her to get hearing aides, to eat better and to exercise). She'd have none of it, and the angry, abusive behavior, outburst started back. In hindsight now, it clearly was the beginning of dementia -- she was loosing the ability to have any control over her emotions or behavior. It just got crazy and the physical decline was rapid. After a bad fall in 2020 during the COVID lock down and a two week hospital stay, she went to a Rehab facility (collapsed lung, resistant blood and lung infection, GI bleed, 25 lb weight loss, inability to walk, incontinent, uncontrolled diabetes, etc and clinical depression). This 10 week absence from my home gave me a chance to start recovering, and w/COVID there were no in-person visits. I was exhausted, anxious and stressed out to the max trying to deal with her. We were able to get her permanently place in the long term care unit at that facility and the year after, she qualified for Medicaid long term care coverage. Her abuse went full throttle because I would NOT take her back into my home to do care 24/7. In 2021, I went full no contact with her. It is almost 2 years since I have seen/spoke to her, and working with a great therapist I am healing. She is 86 and I have no plans to make contact again.
As an only child, life for me was not the “spoiled child”, as some think is the norm. I definitely came from the “children are seen and not heard” generation, as I’m sure some of you have. my dad worked three jobs, which was unfortunate, since he gave me so much love when we were together. Mom worked from 1pm to 5pm. I walked home from school. I still recall the neglect that was unrealized by me as a very young child. As early as I can remember, from 4 years old, I wasn’t bathed regularly, hair washed etc. I dressed myself, was required to clean my own room or was spanked…or I would now call that beaten. Dad left early each morning to work, came home, got ready for the 2nd job and then back to get ready for the 3rd. Mom left dinner in the fridge for me to get ready for dad. She went from her job to visit with her lady friends and family. I was alone. At six years old, I’ve had a teacher send a note home to tell my mom to be sure to give me a bath regularly. When she was home she was uncaring, nervous and verbally abusive. Her friends loved her though. Through the years as I walked home from school to an empty house, I was taunted by bullies with no one to cry to. She only cared about herself and her girlfriends! I was never taught about womanly things as I entered my teens. I know this sounds like a pity party, but abuse comes in many forms! Now I am the sole caregiver for mom. After doing this while she was home for the past 16 years since Dad passed, She is now in a skilled nursing home due to severe diabetes and dementia. I feel it’s my duty to visit, when I’m off work, take her out, bring her shoes, sugar free treats, clothing essentials, and to show her love and care. I do limit my visits to when I can. Everyone there says “we all love your mom! She’s the sweetest!”. They have no idea what my life was like and I don’t share that. My advice. Don’t do what makes you shudder and suffer. we all have a story. Mine is just telling the tip of the iceberg. Keep your sanity.
It is always beyond me that anyone who has been abused feels obligated to care for him/her later in life. Cut the umbilical cord. But it may help if the abuser apologizes and makes amends. However, negatives cancel out positives because they leave scars.
It is always beyond me that anyone who has been abused feels obligated to care for him/her later in life. Cut the umbilical cord. But it may help if the abuser apologizes and makes amends. However, negatives tend to cancel out positives because they leave scars.
My counselor told me : my job is to make sure she is in a safe home, has food and medical care as needed. Not my job to make my mom happy. In my opinion you owe nothing else. A good counselor can help you work through this job..good luck..
Im in the same situation. I look at it this way. You are the better person for taking care of them. I lived my life being a good person. The opposite of my parents. I sleep with a clean conscience and when its over I know as aggravating as it is, Its still the right thing to do.
Im also caring for my mom who was mentally abusive (still manipulative at times) . I have two siblings that walked away from the situation and left me to deal with it. (I'm the younger one, with the most abuse) but somehow still feel as though it's my job to see to it that she is safe, cared for. We have a better relationship now than what we did years ago because she knows where I stand, and I'm not afraid to tell her.
Your anxiety and depression will only be more difficult to deal with if you don’t choose to forgive your mom and hopefully let go of your resentments. I was in a similar situation caring for my mom. An important piece was coming to understand what led her to be abusive. We can’t change people only our reaction to them. I became more loving toward her as I understood her history. And as I became more loving so did she.
Thank you for your reply. I have tried being loving to him. Each time I try to do something nice he has negative comments about what I do. When I try to have conversations with him it sometimes turns negative and any time we are together and around someone else that might give me a compliment, he just gets this unpleasant look on his face or if I'm laughing and talking with the person, he keeps interrupting the conversation to bring up something negative. It is like he does not want any positive attention towards me.
Faithful, I'm a firm believer in the saying, "We can only do what we can do." Some folks can just "let it go." Some can't. Some folks can find relief and peace through therapy. Some can't. Some folks have to walk away from family without another thought. Some can't. It's a process for sure to learn what you can tolerate and what you can't. It's a process to learn how to navigate around or through situations and feelings. Everybody has advice on how they managed, but your story is your story, and you have to find your own "happy" (i.e. livable) medium. When you find yourself saying, "I can't do this," respect that, and try to find another option you can tolerate. Because you can only do what YOU can do.
Let me start by saying this: YOU DO NOT HAVE TO CARE FOR YOUR PARENT IF YOU DO NOT FEEL EQUIPPED TO DEAL WITH YOUR HISTORY. What's more, there is nothing wrong with you if you choose not to and don't let anyone make you feel guilty for making the choice that is best for you. In the best of circumstances, a caregiver must take care of themselves so they can take care of their loved one. In your case, this is so much more true. But - may I share my story about how I came to be my mother's caregiver?
I grew up in the same way. My mother is a narcissist and was very abusive verbally and emotionally. When I tell people the things she did and said when I was a kid, they don't believe it possible unless they themselves were emotionally abused. As an adult, I caught myself relating to my daughter the way my mother related to me and I knew then I had to break the cycle, so I cut contact with my mother and threw myself into learning how to be the mother my daughter (and later, my son) deserved - the kind of mother I deserved but didn't have.
People often said "Don't stay mad at your mother." or "What if she dies without you reconciling with her?" Over the years, I worked through the issues she created in me (at some point, you have to quit blaming someone else for your problems and fix yourself, right?) and I resisted the guilt others tried to impose for my choice.
It's quite a long story how I eventually reconciled with my mother (although reconciled is a strong word - perhaps reconnected is better), but I eventually had to make the decision whether to resume communication and eventually take on care for her. I think if this had come up even ten years earlier in my life, I would not have been able to do so. I made the decision to take on her care though, and I can say that three years into it now, for the most part, it's been good. I came to this decision though by first giving myself permission to walk away if it began to affect my mental health. I think that's really important and there are days that I remind myself that I have allowed myself an escape route if needed.
I chose to care for her because I loved my dad and my stepdad so much and I want to honor them by caring for the woman they both loved (though that still confounds me how that was). I'm a Christian and I believe that God wants me to honor my father and my mother (but honoring them doesn't mean I have to be abused by them). I do it because I want to model for my grown kids, and especially my daughter who witnessed some of my mother's bad behavior before I severed ties, how a person can rise above and be kind in spite of another person's poor treatment. And I do it because I have used her abuse to make myself a better person and I can care for her the way she didn't care for me.
There are times when, despite her dementia, her narcissism shines through and I feel the sting. At those times, I put up barriers both physically and emotionally. I've stepped away for two or three weeks at a time sometimes, but I can do this because she is in a memory care unit (I would NEVER try to live with her or give all the care she needs directly - I know without a doubt that would cause serious problems for me) and all her physical needs are met. I also cope by vigorously protecting my personal time and engaging in positive activity that burns energy and engages my mind (for me, sewing and gardening) and I do volunteer work as a CASA, serving children with difficult home lives which I find particularly fulfilling given my own history.
I hope that you have the support and love to help you overcome your childhood. It isn't easy. I don't think we can ever fully overcome, but we can use our pasts to make us better people. And once that progress is begun, it should be jealously protected and nurtured. If that means you can't care for your parent, so be it. It's your turn now.
With grace. Grace develops as we get older and have more understanding. My mom was one such person when I was living at home before 19 YO and once. or twice when I was an adult and gone through a divorce or needed to stay with her to help.
You must be made of sterner stuff by wanting to help your father who was emotionally abusive to you and your mother. Perhaps you have found a way to forgive him for the hurt he has done to you and your mother or perhaps you think that since your mother has passed away it is your duty to care for him. It seems that you are suffering from burnout and it’s starting to affect your mental health.
I know for a fact that Medicare Advantage pays for assistance with having someone come in to cook, clean, do laundry, run errands, and take patients to doctor’s’ appointments. If your father has only original or traditional Medicare he will not get these benefits as original Medicare only pays for Parts A and B (doctors’ visits and hospital stays). If your father does not have Medicare Advantage, you should look into enrolling him into one of these programs which will be a huge help to you and less stressful for you. I live in New Jersey and I have Medicare Advantage and I love it. I do not have to make any co-payment when I visit my PCP, and I also do not have to pay any monthly premium. Also, I get $70 every quarter for OTC products, $200 yearly for eyeglasses, $275 for fitness, nutritional, etc., and many, many more benefits. They also pay for someone to come into my home to sit as a companion if I need one. Also, if you are a certain age they give $75 every quarter for fruits and vegetables.
I pray that you find a solution to your problem before it ruins your health.
There must be a piece missing out of your beautiful puzzle. How can you enjoy all these great benefits from Medicare Advantage without paying some sort of premium? I've Never seen anything like what you have described. We have pretty good coverage, but we also pay something every month!
Physics says that we are eternal energy and light beings. We have to forgive all that have hurt us because they don't know how much they have hurt us. They have reacted to the wrongful idea that we are not one. Their parents before them most likely hurt them, and so on and so on. In my case, I was severely abused as a child and then had a near death experience. That person that was supposed to by my mother went through the stock market crash/steal during 1929 and beyond. Her parents went through huge insecurity which caused them to be very anti social. They never hugged me or kissed me and neither did that mother, whom I never called mom or mommy or mother. I have been reading books for over 40 years to clear myself. Now my stress is for the soul creating me. I ask this soul how it could put so many of us through so much stress without enough help. The book Hands of Light written by the physicist Barbara Brennan is of great help to me. There are pictures/diagrams of what we all look like as holograms/electrical energy fields out of these bodies. It is true. We can't die because we are constantly being created.
You are free from that prison, but you are playing many re-runs of that movie. I know.
The second you play those re-runs you volunteer as your parent's agent.
Instead replace those memories immediately with these words in your mind... "No! I'm in charge now", and think of tons of pleasant things.
The first several times that rotten movie starts say those words with conviction and replace the thought
Continue to repeat it instantly as you need to. After a while, and you'll know when, say the same but with more kindness to yourself, and knowingly.
You have long physically bailed from that play. You retired. Change your tone to yourself. Maybe you can instead say in your mind…"No silly. You're doing it again. That dragon is just a sorry-a** Gecko."
Show yourself for yourself as a stand-up, straight-up, proud-of-yourself, surviving success of a human being by your own doing because you would never do what was done to you to any little person or anyone. You are the better person.
You may still have to deal with that person. I recommend not to, or with great restriction. Seek a local support group or care manager. You don't have to care for him. Your kind "obligation" is to make sure he is taken-care-of, not that you have to do it. No one will do as well as you, Get over that. You're not going to make any, none, ever, points.
Be joyous that you have taken back and are in great control of your freedom. Realize it.
I was in a session with my therapist, discussing my mother's needs. I said "I don't think my mom was a particularly good mother, but I am a good daughter and that is why I will be here for her." I actually think my relationship with my parent now is massively better than when she was rearing me, because I have been able to become her defender, helper, and supporter in a way I wish she would have done for me----and I realize it is hard. I have come to the place where I can understand her upbringing and social group---and mine as well---with much more generosity than I did when I was younger. Maybe that can happen for you. Of course, some things do become unforgivable and if you find yourself in that situation, then your first duty is to yourself. I wish you peace.
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We don’t have to destroy ourselves to take care of those who tried to destroy us.
I've been looking into local government resources to line up any help I can get. Mom isn't yet close to qualifying for Medicaid care but that may be in the cards at some point. And yes my relatives judge b/c spouse and I have some resources, but we also don't have kids ourselves and will need to pay for care, so we can't deplete our resources caring for Mom.
The most important thing: Post here. You're not alone. <3
Edit: Crossposted with Fawnby below. Of course s/he's right. You're an adult with choices. If caregiving is making you too depressed to function, it's probably time to step back. If in the US, contact your local Council on Aging - there are usually other state resources available also.
Therapist Pauline Boss states that you should NEVER care for a person who has been your abuser in the past.
Arrange to leave as soon as possible.
And maybe don't tell him when you have plans, then he won't be able to sabotage them
I was luckily raised by wonderful parents, and it IS a matter of luck.
I do not consider blood to be thicker than water. My genetics were a happy accident. We are born to either more or less capable parents.
Once grown we are responsible to make the best life we can for ourselves and those we love and care for, for those we bring into this world.
Our obligation is to our family moving forward, and to ourselves, not to those who failed in our care.
Just how I roll. My choice. My own humble opinion.
We each must make our own, recognizing that it IS our choice, and we are responsible for making it.
Stop taking time off to cater to his demands.
Stop doing his laundry.
Stop showing up: call Adult Protective Services and report hil as a vulnerable senior.
He is NOT your responsibility.
My mother-in-law is 95 and won't move to assisted living. Her daughter has POA but my husband (her son) and I live closest to her. Daughter gets frustrated and stays away for months. She's fallen twice this year and is sliding toward dementia. If she gets bad enough we can do this. Thank you!
his wash, his cleaning, errands and grocery shopping. It doesn' have to be everyday. In an 8 hr period someone should be able to do it all.
Grocery shopping can be don't on the internet and picked up when ready. Prescription can be delivered. How dirty can one man get.
Call the office of aging and ask for resources. If he is low income, maybe he will qualify for in home Medicaid. There's senior bussing he can use for appts and shopping. Tell him to pretend he has no children. He needs to do for himself and when he can't time to go to an Assisted Living or Long-term care. You can call APS and tell them you need to go back to work. Can Dad be evaluated for help. This will put him on their radar. If they ever feel he need to be placed in a facility you tell them that the State will need to step in because u will not be taking over his care. No POA or guardianship. He abused you as a child and you do not want to be in his life.
You had a very good reason from the start to say No. I believe what we reap we sow. What goes around comes around. I know, we need to forgive but I also think people have to realize that the wrongs they have done in life come back on them before they die. People like your Dad feel they are entitled but you need to show him he isn't. Whatever u do for him is out of the goodness of your heart not because he expects it. And for me, when someone expects something out of me, the answer is usually no.
Take care of yourself, set up what you can and live your life. Your health will decline under all this stress and then where will you be?
There are plenty of other options out there for their care, so let their care fall on someone else, and you continue to get yourself healthy.
You said yourself that you are already dealing with anxiety and depression.
Abuse, any kind of abuse, leaves a mark. Maybe not a physical one - but it doesn't have to be physical to leave scars.
No one should be in the position of caring for their abuser. For a number of reasons.
1. Whether you have processed and healed - or not - you are throwing yourself right back into the lion's den. Into an unhealthy environment where you are regularly exposed to your abuser.
2. Your abuser...is now dependent on YOU. In very rare cases, that can make them thankful. But that almost never happens. The more likely scenario is that it makes them resentful and angry - and they take that out on YOU. They feel indebted to you, and that is unsettling, so they have to turn it on you and make it about you being in their debt and owing them care - just for being born.
3. Even if you happen to feel healthy and like you have moved on (and it sounds like you may not from your post) you are still very prone to have all of those old feelings dredged up from spending so much time with your parent. That is bound to make you feel like you did when the emotional abuse was occurring. And take you right back to that time.
4. The emotional abuse could start again.
5. You are not dealing with your parent as a child now. You are now an adult - fully grown - with all of the physical power and responsibility that comes with that. And you are now dealing with - not another equal adult - but a vulnerable elderly one - one that is generally only slightly less protected than small children and the disabled - so you are in the power position now- and any sense that YOU are wielding that power in any way - wrong - will be observed by many - in the way that your parent's emotional abuse of you as a child SHOULD have been.
Why is #5 important? Because it would be very easy for your parent to back you into a corner, provoke you and push you too far - and bring back all of that old pain - and you have to always be in control of yourself. YOU have to always be one step ahead of your parent and you cannot under any circumstances ever let them get to you to the point that you cannot reign it in.
I have watched my DH and SIL deal with my FIL's continued abuse now for years. Only the physical abuse stopped. I have had to reign myself in at times. He is a terrible man. But he is still a vulnerable old man in the eyes of the world. And he can play the part very well. Our children have not been allowed around him in years. But we have had a support system and we have had a goal. To get him into a care facility. And we finally succeeded. It's only slightly more peaceful - but at least we aren't around him as much.
From my perspective. You should never have to care for your abuser. It's not good for anyone concerned.
It took me a long time to accept that my needs were as valid as my mother's - I'm not sure I ever did fully, because 60 years of scapegoat training is hard to undo. My mum died a few months ago and people have commented on how 'lifted' I look. I hope you don't have to wait that long.
You might find working with a talented therapist to unpack all of this and to work on healing a worthwhile endeavor. No one can change what happened in the past, we can only change ourselves in how we act/react and perhaps reframe the past as we move forward. And this is not an easy nor quick thing. It take lots of time to heal, and lots of work. The healing journey is not linear; more two steps forward and one step backwards.
One way to "reframe" things is how one defines "caring." Sure, caring can be one-on-one, 24/7, doing it all yourself. Caring can ALSO mean, assuring the abuser gets the care they need but provided by others! The later is still caring. That care by others can go as far as handing it off entirely to others (facility care such as assistive living or a nursing home; or even to Adult Protective Services whereby a State guardian is appointed.) W/the later (APS and State guardianship), you still assured they got the care they needed AND ALSO YOU CARED for yourself by not subjecting yourself the abuser and their abuse!
My mother was a toxic person her entire life (these people are damaged, wounded individuals who have no empathy or insight into their abuse, nor do they make efforts to do the work to heal themselves). After my father passed away when I was a kid, the State took custody away from my mom and I went into foster care until I left for college.
After graduate school, marriage and starting my own family; I reconnected with my mother. At the time, I -- wrongly -- assumed that as an accomplished adult (career, husband, home, family -- productive member of society) she'd see me for the adult I had become and we could get along. She was on better behavior, I still had to correct things from time to time, saying I would NOT tolerate X or Y.
Fast forward, she ended up moving in with us -- she was in dire financial straights w/her history of compulsive gambling. It kinda worked. She still gambled, burnt through ever nickel from Social Security and my dad's pension; but then there was no condo to take out second mortgages on or loans from loan sharks as she no longer had that asset. It was sold to pay off all her debts at the time she moved in, she was left with virtually nothing after having paid cash for a very nice condo 25 years earlier after my dad passed. The condo should have been a nice nest egg for her.
As she declined, I tried to help her (taking her to all MD and PT visits, encouraging her to get hearing aides, to eat better and to exercise). She'd have none of it, and the angry, abusive behavior, outburst started back. In hindsight now, it clearly was the beginning of dementia -- she was loosing the ability to have any control over her emotions or behavior. It just got crazy and the physical decline was rapid. After a bad fall in 2020 during the COVID lock down and a two week hospital stay, she went to a Rehab facility (collapsed lung, resistant blood and lung infection, GI bleed, 25 lb weight loss, inability to walk, incontinent, uncontrolled diabetes, etc and clinical depression). This 10 week absence from my home gave me a chance to start recovering, and w/COVID there were no in-person visits. I was exhausted, anxious and stressed out to the max trying to deal with her. We were able to get her permanently place in the long term care unit at that facility and the year after, she qualified for Medicaid long term care coverage. Her abuse went full throttle because I would NOT take her back into my home to do care 24/7. In 2021, I went full no contact with her. It is almost 2 years since I have seen/spoke to her, and working with a great therapist I am healing. She is 86 and I have no plans to make contact again.
I definitely came from the “children are seen and not heard” generation, as I’m sure some of you have.
my dad worked three jobs, which was unfortunate, since he gave me so much love when we were together.
Mom worked from 1pm to 5pm. I walked home from school.
I still recall the neglect that was unrealized by me as a very young child.
As early as I can remember, from 4 years old, I wasn’t bathed regularly, hair washed etc. I dressed myself, was required to clean my own room or was spanked…or I would now call that beaten.
Dad left early each morning to work, came home, got ready for the 2nd job and then back to get ready for the 3rd.
Mom left dinner in the fridge for me to get ready for dad.
She went from her job to visit with her lady friends and family.
I was alone. At six years old, I’ve had a teacher send a note home to tell my mom to be sure to give me a bath regularly.
When she was home she was uncaring, nervous and verbally abusive.
Her friends loved her though.
Through the years as I walked home from school to an empty house, I was taunted by bullies with no one to cry to. She only cared about herself and her girlfriends!
I was never taught about womanly things as I entered my teens.
I know this sounds like a pity party, but abuse comes in many forms!
Now I am the sole caregiver for mom. After doing this while she was home for the past 16 years since Dad passed, She is now in a skilled nursing home due to severe diabetes and dementia.
I feel it’s my duty to visit, when I’m off work, take her out, bring her shoes, sugar free treats, clothing essentials, and to show her love and care.
I do limit my visits to when I can.
Everyone there says “we all love your mom! She’s the sweetest!”.
They have no idea what my life was like and I don’t share that.
My advice. Don’t do what makes you shudder and suffer.
we all have a story. Mine is just telling the tip of the iceberg.
Keep your sanity.
I'm a firm believer in the saying, "We can only do what we can do."
Some folks can just "let it go." Some can't.
Some folks can find relief and peace through therapy. Some can't.
Some folks have to walk away from family without another thought. Some can't.
It's a process for sure to learn what you can tolerate and what you can't. It's a process to learn how to navigate around or through situations and feelings. Everybody has advice on how they managed, but your story is your story, and you have to find your own "happy" (i.e. livable) medium. When you find yourself saying, "I can't do this," respect that, and try to find another option you can tolerate. Because you can only do what YOU can do.
Let me start by saying this: YOU DO NOT HAVE TO CARE FOR YOUR PARENT IF YOU DO NOT FEEL EQUIPPED TO DEAL WITH YOUR HISTORY. What's more, there is nothing wrong with you if you choose not to and don't let anyone make you feel guilty for making the choice that is best for you. In the best of circumstances, a caregiver must take care of themselves so they can take care of their loved one. In your case, this is so much more true. But - may I share my story about how I came to be my mother's caregiver?
I grew up in the same way. My mother is a narcissist and was very abusive verbally and emotionally. When I tell people the things she did and said when I was a kid, they don't believe it possible unless they themselves were emotionally abused. As an adult, I caught myself relating to my daughter the way my mother related to me and I knew then I had to break the cycle, so I cut contact with my mother and threw myself into learning how to be the mother my daughter (and later, my son) deserved - the kind of mother I deserved but didn't have.
People often said "Don't stay mad at your mother." or "What if she dies without you reconciling with her?" Over the years, I worked through the issues she created in me (at some point, you have to quit blaming someone else for your problems and fix yourself, right?) and I resisted the guilt others tried to impose for my choice.
It's quite a long story how I eventually reconciled with my mother (although reconciled is a strong word - perhaps reconnected is better), but I eventually had to make the decision whether to resume communication and eventually take on care for her. I think if this had come up even ten years earlier in my life, I would not have been able to do so. I made the decision to take on her care though, and I can say that three years into it now, for the most part, it's been good. I came to this decision though by first giving myself permission to walk away if it began to affect my mental health. I think that's really important and there are days that I remind myself that I have allowed myself an escape route if needed.
I chose to care for her because I loved my dad and my stepdad so much and I want to honor them by caring for the woman they both loved (though that still confounds me how that was). I'm a Christian and I believe that God wants me to honor my father and my mother (but honoring them doesn't mean I have to be abused by them). I do it because I want to model for my grown kids, and especially my daughter who witnessed some of my mother's bad behavior before I severed ties, how a person can rise above and be kind in spite of another person's poor treatment. And I do it because I have used her abuse to make myself a better person and I can care for her the way she didn't care for me.
There are times when, despite her dementia, her narcissism shines through and I feel the sting. At those times, I put up barriers both physically and emotionally. I've stepped away for two or three weeks at a time sometimes, but I can do this because she is in a memory care unit (I would NEVER try to live with her or give all the care she needs directly - I know without a doubt that would cause serious problems for me) and all her physical needs are met. I also cope by vigorously protecting my personal time and engaging in positive activity that burns energy and engages my mind (for me, sewing and gardening) and I do volunteer work as a CASA, serving children with difficult home lives which I find particularly fulfilling given my own history.
I hope that you have the support and love to help you overcome your childhood. It isn't easy. I don't think we can ever fully overcome, but we can use our pasts to make us better people. And once that progress is begun, it should be jealously protected and nurtured. If that means you can't care for your parent, so be it. It's your turn now.
My mom was one such person when I was living at home before 19 YO and once. or twice when I was an adult and gone through a divorce or needed to stay with her to help.
I know for a fact that Medicare Advantage pays for assistance with having someone come in to cook, clean, do laundry, run errands, and take patients to doctor’s’ appointments. If your father has only original or traditional Medicare he will not get these benefits as original Medicare only pays for Parts A and B (doctors’ visits and hospital stays). If your father does not have Medicare Advantage, you should look into enrolling him into one of these programs which will be a huge help to you and less stressful for you. I live in New Jersey and I have Medicare Advantage and I love it. I do not have to make any co-payment when I visit my PCP, and I also do not have to pay any monthly premium. Also, I get $70 every quarter for OTC products, $200 yearly for eyeglasses, $275 for fitness, nutritional, etc., and many, many more benefits. They also pay for someone to come into my home to sit as a companion if I need one. Also, if you are a certain age they give $75 every quarter for fruits and vegetables.
I pray that you find a solution to your problem before it ruins your health.
We have pretty good coverage, but we also pay something every month!
In my case, I was severely abused as a child and then had a near death experience. That person that was supposed to by my mother went through the stock market crash/steal during 1929 and beyond. Her parents went through huge insecurity which caused them to be very anti social. They never hugged me or kissed me and neither did that mother, whom I never called mom or mommy or mother.
I have been reading books for over 40 years to clear myself. Now my stress is for the soul creating me. I ask this soul how it could put so many of us through so much stress without enough help. The book Hands of Light written by the physicist Barbara Brennan is of great help to me. There are pictures/diagrams of what we all look like as holograms/electrical energy fields out of these bodies. It is true. We can't die because we are constantly being created.
You are free from that prison, but you are playing many re-runs of that movie.
I know.
The second you play those re-runs you volunteer as your parent's agent.
Instead replace those memories immediately with these words in your mind... "No! I'm in charge now", and think of tons of pleasant things.
The first several times that rotten movie starts say those words with conviction and replace the thought
Continue to repeat it instantly as you need to. After a while, and you'll know when, say the same but with more kindness to yourself, and knowingly.
You have long physically bailed from that play. You retired.
Change your tone to yourself. Maybe you can instead say in your mind…"No silly. You're doing it again. That dragon is just a sorry-a** Gecko."
Show yourself for yourself as a stand-up, straight-up, proud-of-yourself, surviving success of a human being by your own doing because you would never do what was done to you to any little person or anyone. You are the better person.
You may still have to deal with that person. I recommend not to, or with great restriction. Seek a local support group or care manager. You don't have to care for him. Your kind "obligation" is to make sure he is taken-care-of, not that you have to do it. No one will do as well as you, Get over that. You're not going to make any, none, ever, points.
Be joyous that you have taken back and are in great control of your freedom. Realize it.