I will soon be moving my mother in law into our home as she suffers from dementia. My husband has POA over her healthcare. The problem is her past caregivers have not been able to get her to doctor appts. She was in urgent care this past April 2019 for dehydration. And admitted to hospital last October. 2018. She simply refuses to go to doctor. She will sit and not move. And yell at the top of her voice "I'm not going." When asked why not? Once again " Because I dont want to." And she will sit there. I can only find medical records where she has went to doctor maybe once a year and sometimes not even then. And I am pretty sure I got them all she has lived in same house 65 yrs.
I must add my husband and his mother have not spoke for 25 years. My husband is the only family she has left. Caregivers are at there wits end with her. Can't get her to doctor, can't get her to eat. She is surviving on peanut butter sandwiches and yogurt right now. Please any advice would be helpful.
Oh I almost forgot. We live 1000 miles away so I have no idea how to get her in a car to travel. When she doesn't want to leave her beautiful home.
Once they get in the mindset that they were dealt the wrong cards.. well you get it.
Then show her brochures of places near you, so she can be closer to your home...
and ask her if she would like to visit places near your home...
If you move mom in with you, that sounds like a disaster if hubby and ma haven't talked in 25 years, and you think your just going to move her?
If she owns home, you may want to think about trying to sell it, to pay for housing, to have her move into senior living or Assisted living. Find a place close to you, within 5 miles if possible, start looking..... That's all you need to do, start looking into different places, and even 6 packs 6 residents and 2 caretakers. Since you are only the daughter in law, who hasn't spoken to MIL in 25 years too, it's not your battle....She will blame you... You don't need that....
No other relaives,,, no siblings, cousins,.. so you need to have her closer to you.... Not with you, unless you have tons of energy and extra help, to keep her calm....
Ensure mixed in with milkshakes are good mix.
Elaine,
You are right not allowing your mom to move in. It’s hard. Most of us would do anything to have had things be normal instead of dysfunctional. Not perfect, there is no perfect, just simply normal.
I too am the wife of a POA (both medical and financial). And I have stuck by my husband through 10 years of hardship: 5+ years of caring for my in-laws in their home (i.e. enabling them to live alone when they no longer could) and 5 additional years of caring for FIL (MIL died) living in independent living. After 10+ years of staying through thick and thin, I have announced to everyone that I am moving back home in the next year or two for myriad reasons including that my FIL is completely stubborn and his dementia is still considered mild.
Your husband can manager his mother's care from 1000 miles away. Plenty of POAs do it. In my opinion, the question you should be asking is "How can I help my husband manage his mother's care from 1000 miles away?" You will get far more productive and actionable answers to that question.
Read the book "Can't We Talk About Something More Pleasant?" by Roz Chast. Others may have other book suggestions.
This isn't to say that if you get this move accomplished, it is certain to be a catastrophe, but with your Mom and your Hubby starting out unable to communicate I am afraid all signs point to trouble ahead. I know this isn't something you are unaware of and something you have not considered.
At least, if this doesn't work out, his Mom will be more near you when she requires placement.
As to the individual problems she presents with, I just wish I had a clue of a solution. I hope others will have. If you have been on the forum here for any amount of time you will know we are a diverse group. I fall on one end of the spectrum in that I do not give direct care to the person I love--whereas there are people here who care for people who honestly abused them much of their lives as family. So we are pretty wide ranging. I hope you will stick around, read, and ask questions. I couldn't wish you more luck.
It is to my mind most crucial that you and Hubby are on the same page. It needs to be an agreement that this will work out in a certain time frame or it is clear that it cannot work, and placement will be sought with loving visits and caring done, but not on a live in basis.
You have lots of your plate. Good luck!
My advice, find an AL facility for her, she has some serious issues that you will not be able to deal with.
You can care for her even if she doesn't live with you.
My thoughts exactly. Not going to end well.
But if they have dementia, thats a full time job right there. One that is very demanding and draining. You would definitely need to find someone to help. And she might Not be agreeable with them.
Memory care would be better for her sake and yours
You have a challenge on your hands. It’s your decision to make but the fact that you are reaching out to a forum tells me that you have questions which is completely normal.
I did what you are considering. I moved my mom into our home for nearly 15 years. It isn’t easy even in the best of circumstances. You don’t have the best of circumstances and it becomes more difficult as it continues. I had challenges with my mom too. I understand what you are facing.
I strongly urge you to consider other arrangements. You can still check on her and your life won’t be severely changed. If she moves in everything will change. Trust me I know. I burned out. Mom is no longer with me. I am like your husband and have not had contact with her since she left. No one wants a conflicted relationship. Unfortunately. sometimes it happens. I empathize greatly with you and your husband and I hope it works out in everyone’s best interest.
But dementia is a game changer.
Her brain is broken and there is no way of "convincing" or "reasoning" any more.
Your best bet is to wait until she is hospitalized again and at that time, work with the social services department at the hospital to find her appropriate placement.
You need to figure out if that placement should be bear where she currently resides or near you.
If you decide placement should be close to you, she is going to have to pay for medical transport from the hospital to the facilty. This can be very expensive.
Who has POA for her finances? Does she have the funds for a facility? Or will her POA need to apply for LTC Medicaid on her behalf?
You can find a nice facility that can meet her needs near enough to you that you can be her advocate and friend. Residents do better when they have a family member or 2 that come visit and check on their care. Someone to bring cookies to their caregivers.
That is as important as wiping her behind.
I am glad that you are rethinking this whole situation. You will not be unhappy that you did.
It is admirable that you want to give this stranger called mom(in law) a home and care. You can do that, at a facility with professional caregivers. It is really the best solution with dementia. I placed my dad and he did so much better than he would have living in my home. He had peers to shoot the breeze with, they walked and took cabs to go have lunch or go to Walmart. I could do enrichment activities that I would never have been able to do with all the work a demented old person brings with them.
Best of luck finding the perfect fit and convincing her to move closer to her son and her friend (you).
None of us knows what will happen if you decide to move MIL in with you. But those of us who’ve been here for a while can predict based on experience what could happen.
Whatever you decide to do, I know we all wish you peace with your decision. And this decision is all your’s.
While this is a nice thing to try to do for your MIL, it sounds like a recipe for disaster. It's not too late to make other arrangements.
IF you insist on doing this, then you should line up some home health aides because this is probably not a one person job.
Best of luck.
The cost of getting her to your home via medical transport would be phenomenal. Flying with her could be disastrous as well as trying to drive with her. You’d have to stop overnight if you drove.
Sit down with your husband and explain to him that the logistics of this decision are way out of whack and it’s not going to work. You will not give up your life and sanity and perhaps even your marriage to care for her. If you do, it’s on you and you’ll have to grin and bear it. If you do not have POA for her, you’ll have to apply for emergency guardianship. Search out facilities in the area and enlist their help in moving her to one.
Please rethink this entire decision which sounds like a gigantic mistake. Dementia is a disease that requires a round the clock staff to deal with, in a Memory Care community, where they are properly trained and equipped. A doctor comes into the facility to see the residents, so she can't say she's not going.......the doctor will come to HER. Peanut butter sandwiches are not served in MCs, so she'll also be getting better nourishment with 3 meals and 3 snacks a day, not to mention activities designed for the memory impaired. Incontinence issues, bathing, wandering at night, temper tantrums and agitation.......its all handled FOR you in such communities. Your only job is to pay the rent and go visit as desired.
Best of luck
Reminds me of an Andy Griffith episode where Barney was going to teach the youngsters about prison and said just imagine, no pb&j sandwiches. Those young guys were horrified.
You are about to make a bad situation 100x worse.