I'm an only child and caretaker for mom with cognitive decline and memory loss. She has no other family or friends, and has given up all activities and hobbies due to her inability to process procedures. She doesn't want any caregivers other than me.
Don't burn yourself out. You count as much as he does and if you get sick, what then? The guilt can be managed. Go to counseling if you have to but find some help, ok?
My prayers are with you.
Temper
I feel no guilt that she is in a care home now as she is getting the care she needs and I have a life I love. She had to adjust, which took some time, but she did.
Only you can set boundaries. Either you decide what you can provide and look for a solution to all their other needs without feeling any guilt or you succumb to your guilt and provide care 24/7.
My mother also used to be director at a university. But, when I hit a nice job, apparently, she felt my sick days belonged to her, without me offering. No.
As a whole, your parents and the rest of the world, suddenly think you don’t need a job, when your parents either decide it or need care. Shoulda told me that, in my 20s. Woulda saved me a lot of time. Plus, if I don’t need to work towards my own retirement and eldercare, sure hope my parents have prepared for that…
Guilt. Really?🙄
Then I, who had laughed together during her younger days in ABSOLUTE AGREEMENT that we couldn’t and WOULDN’T ever, EVEN FOR ONE DAY try to live together for ONE DAY under ONE ROOF, insisted that we bring her home,
I did that because I KNEW, that without having me by her side every minute of every day, she’d suffer from her life long anxiety, and I’d be responsible for killing her.
I slept on the floor beside her bed for six months, ate every meal with her, attended and achieved every detail of her toileting, bathing, dressing……..
She was miserable, turned on people she loved, refused every suggestion I made, but screamed for me if I tried to take a 5 minute shower…..
I was miserable, gained 60 pounds (10 pounds/month) and lost my job.
One evening when I prepared to put her to bed, she shifted her weight so that we were both headed for the floor. My immediate thought was damage to the “new” hip or breaking the good hip.
In that moment, I knew that I’d made the WRONG choice. SHE needed expert care, and I needed a good night’s sleep, IN MY OWN BED.
She had done her Medicare rehab in a cozy local residential care center, and I called them. They said they had a place. I took her there.
It was the BEST DECISION I COULD EVER HAVE MADE FOR HER, and also worked better for me.
I got another job, visited her every day, and she THRIVED. The last 5 years of her life were the best she’d had since she’d lost my father. She had companionship, something she’d avoided for years, and care FAR BETTER than what I’d offered.
My mother didn’t “want” any other caregivers, but came to love the whole staff at her residence SO MUCH that when her house was sold, one of her “girls” bought it.
You are doing “guilt” to yourself, as I did. As a motivator, guilt is a totally NEGATIVE force, never positive. When you guilt yourself, as I did and as you are doing now, you release torrents of painful, negative non-progressive thought on yourself AND those around you, then become entrapped in it.
I loved her dearly, still do, but learned a lesson from our months of living together.
I share that lesson with you, and send hope that you’ll benefit from it.
In 2009 I got a call from the Dr's office, on Clark Avenue, to come back in, not for a follow-up, but that he wanted to see me and to bring my mom. The nurses checked her out while we talked privately. He said, "Do you remember when we had a talk about your mom five years ago?" I said, "You mean when you told me mama had just five years left to live?" He said, "Yes! You remember!" I said, "Of course. You tell me my mom is gonna die in five years time, you don't think I'm gonna forget that, do you?"
He said, "Well, it's been five years now." I said, "Yes sir, you're right. It's been ABOUT five years since we had that talk." He said, "No, it's been five years today since then." I repeated my statement to him, not realizing what he was trying to tell me. So he repeated a third time, "No, TODAY it makes five years that we had that talk. Today is the anniversary of that talk." "Today?", I said. "Mmm, hmm", he said.
"And as far as one can tell, your mother is in the same condition as she was five years ago." "Thank you", I said. "That's good to hear." He replied, "You remember I told you there were a hundred other families I had to tell the same message?" "Yes sir", I said. He replied, "Well, all 100 of those other patients have all passed away just like I told them." "All 100 others are dead?", I said. "Yes, they've all passed away. And that's why I had you called in."
"I felt you needed to know about this", he Calle said. "Well, thank you", I remember saying. He then begain to explain to me the details: "You know, we went through all the records to see how we treated your mother differently from all the rest of my Alzheimer patients to find the answer to how your mother is still alive." "Yes sir, I can see how important that would be. So you studied through all of mother's charts since she'd been with you." "NO", he said. "NOT your mother's chart. ALL 100 PATIENTS' charts." "All one hundred patients' charts you guys studied to find this out?" "Yes", he said.
"When did you have time to do that?", I asked. Dr. Calle said, "Evenings, weekends, holidays. It was that important to find out how your mom was stilll living. You understand I have thousands of patients with Alzheimer's. Every year I give that message to one hundred of my patients families. Every five years they all die as I predicted to them. All the years before you were told, each year a hundred of my patients died from Alzheimer's after reaching that stage. Everybody, except your mother."
"Oh, wow", I said. Then Dr. Calle said, "We went through all one hundred records and found NOTHING. No difference in how we treated your mother and them. Everybody we treated the same way. So we began to look at your lifestyles for the difference."
"Lifestyles?", I asked. "Yes, your lifestyles", he said. We discovered you take your mother with you everywhere you go. You take her to church up the street every Sunday. You take her to eat out every single day. (Yes sir.) You take her to Bill Millers BBQ. (Yes sir.) You take her to El Tipico. (Yes sir.) You take her to the Shangrila and La Chinita's chinese food restaurants. (Yes sir.) You take your mom to Neptunes. (Yes sir.) You take your mother shopping every week grocery shopping. (Yes sir.) You take her to HEB. (Yessir
Hmm, because they wish it? Guilt for not meeting their expectations? For not obeying a parental demand?
I would change the question.. Do you feel you must do as they ask?
You are the "only one they will accept".
Take that as a compliment - because they trust you.
Then change that statement to "you are the only one they WANT to accept".
It is not your rule book to follow.
They WILL accept others.
(But only if you are not in sight).
I don't have to deal with guilt, beacuse I have zero. How? Three reasons;
1. I do not think I should be there 24/7.
2. I think any expectation I would be is completely unreasonable.
3. I KNOW care from others is accepted.
That's how I left guilt behind.
No, I am sorry I can no longer allow you to overburden me because of your wants, not your needs.
The guilt part is all yours to bear, it is a self-imposed emotion which keeps one trapped and is driven by fear.
The bottom line is that they will eventually accept what they have to.
Take back your life, jump in the driver's seat and take back control of your life.
You cannot be a slave, whatever your circumstances, guilt is useless emotion, guilt and caregiving should not mix.
Good caregiver knows when to step aside, after all you need to take care of two people, one is you.
This should not be a source of guilt for anyone. Your life is not supposed to be spent in servitude because you're the only person your elderly parents want caring for them.
Giving people what they NEED is often very different than what they want. Remember this.
You have value and are important too. You don't have to make yourself a slave to the needs and wants of others to prove that you're a caring and compassionate person. You can advocate advocate instead. You can make sure good caregivers are in the home who will do right by their clients and families. You can find placement in a good facility with quality care.
Letting others miserably exploit you so you will become a nanny-slave to them is not love. Don't let yourself fall into that trap and martyr your life to it.
you mean:
you’re the only one they’re willing to exploit and take advantage of, with no regard to how that destroys your life.
that’s what you mean.
and OF COURSE, you’re a girl.
please - you are 1 of ten billion trillion daughters whose lives are asked to be sacrificed, because your life means less than a man’s life.
Use the word GRIEF. Because grief is what you are experiencing. Grief for the unrealistic expectations of your parents. Grief that you are not God, hence are not omnipotent and in charge of everything in the world.
Felons, who should feel guilt, feel none. Just saying.................
but i disagree. hug!
one doesn’t just do bad things through action - but also through inaction. (for example neglect).
it’s not only criminals/felons who are “guilty”…
even a simple thing like saying unkind words to someone, can make you feel guilty for days/years, even though you committed no crime. doesn’t matter. our conscience guides us.
some people feel over-guilty. they’re over-doing it.
some people feel under-guilty — they should feel more guilty with how they treated or neglected people.
now regarding OP:
only you OP know all the facts.
you OP already know: you must do what you feel you must do, because YOU’RE the one who must live with your actions/inactions.
if possible, being kind to one’s elderly LOs, while still doing all one can to live a full life oneself.
hug!