My older sister is 65. Five years older than I am. She is a "recovered" drug addict. Used drugs all her life. Possibly the use of Xanax for 20 years contributed to her present problems with her mind. She keeps asking me to help her. But, she will not go to her Dr. appointments and she will not do anything I suggest. The more I do to help her the less she does to help herself. She has always been this way. It's just more magnified now.
"Lack of planning on your part does not mean an emergency on my part." So another's lack of action does NOT mean it has to become my problem/emergency. And it's not that one does not care about the other person. Encouraging a person to take control & responsibility for themself is a caring thing to do.
I acknowledge that it is personally painful to watch the other needy person struggle, but that is how that person can grow.
Feel free to give her doctor contact information and let her make her own appointments. When she brings up how ________ prevents her from doing so, remind her that she is responsible for her own life choices and their consequences.
If you are a person of faith, offer to pray for her.... then do so, on the spot.
What about: what if I stop trying to deal with this person?
I'm assuming this is your sister that's worrying you. You have tried and tried and tried, and it has made no difference to her wellbeing.
Or rather, it's made no improvement: it may possibly even be that the attention she gets from your constant efforts reinforces her habit of self-sabotage.
Stop, and see what happens. You can always intervene if it's anything worse.
I should've NOT helped my mom move back into her home after her hospital/rehab stay: installing grab bars, removing rugs, auto-lights (for night-time), making the downstairs livable as one unit . .. and a myriad of other things I did for her in her house. No to mention I made seven 600 mile round trips in 2 months, and spent some of my $$ to get her back home. Looking back. BIG MISTAKE.
At first, she was extremely thankful and so happy to be back in her home! But then when she realized all the changes, OMG, the rath I got from her! Even her friends (the two she has left) are in shock at how she badmouth's me after seeing all that I did for her. Actually, I'm not sure she has those friends anymore, although I am in contact with them.
Cripes. Now, I can't even get near her. She's changed all the locks - yeah . can you believe that?? So, I'm just waiting for that phone call .
It hurts, but what else can I do?
I tried to get her to go to the doctor to get her brain evaluated. That failed. She hates doctors. Yet her distain for doctors is what made her end up with a $10K hospital bill and a $12k bill for in-home care. Medicare turned down her pay because her hospital episode was totally preventable. It was.
So, now I just wait. But everyday now is torture for me in a way. So, I feel your pain. But really, all you can do is sit back and wait for something to happen.
Next time my mom gets admitted to the hospital, I will make sure she won't be able to return to her unsafe home and way of life in her elderly stage of life.
She will have earned it.
If you don’t want to wait for an emergency, you can have Social Services look into your mom’s situation. We had this happen to my 90 something aunt and uncle 2 years ago. It wasn’t fun and it wasn’t easy, but they ended up in a place where they could get meals (3 a day, plus snacks), their medicines, a bed and a non-leaking roof over their heads. The first placement was a horrible Assisted Living facility, but once their family complained and DSS found out there was still some savings in a savings account, they moved them to a nicer facility.
Many things in life are unexplainable, painful, and highly stressful. We can’t fix it all, but we can learn from it and we can make plans for our own care while we still have the “smarts” to do it!
Please take care of yourself. Go to bed at night, knowing you’ve done everything you could possibly do for your mom. It is her problem(s) now, and not yours. It’s tough, but sometimes love is tough.
If she complains repeatedly about "medical" symptoms but doesn't follow through with a doctor, tell her to "Either stop complaining or do something about it." That something meaning see a doctor.
I confess I have to tell MYSELF that sometimes.
This is MY sister EXACTLY. She has diagnosed cognitive problems.
Her "magical thinking", problems with planning, recall problems result in avoiding Doctor visits. Doesn't like what Doctor advices, can't plan what next steps to take, can't recall advice properly later.
Tell THAT to every health professional that is involved, Doctor, hospital social worker, area of aging etc.
You have seen & lived it & you got it!
It took me a while to come to this realisation with MY sister - but that is exactly it! Now my eyes are open & while HER situation has not improved, I am doing so much better as the guilt is dissolving. I am no longer thinking "I have to do it all for her"... buy groceroes, drive where she needs to go, make her attend appointments - all the endless needs.
Now I am thinking "I will be her advocate" to speak up for her when her life crumbles ie boat starts sinking. Better for both of us if I am off the sinking boat. I can be on shore waving for help.
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