As stated in previous post, we are caring for my MIL with Alz in our home. It is estimated that she is stage 6, teetering on stage 7. She is (and always has been) difficult to be around and the dementia has only amplified that. She complains, constantly, about everything. She criticizes everything hubby and I do, and even if we do the perfect thing, she will find fault. Her needs are becoming so great that we spend countless hours each day catering to her basically. Not just the basics, the extra runs to the store, the catering to every physical symptom, etc. It is so draining that I find myself avoiding her. It also goes on at night, where she’ll wake us up ranting about something. I know it’s not all her fault. We just can’t seem to keep her calm for long or figure her out. It just seems to keep getting worse. She has been diagnosed with depression before but refuses her medication, doc also believed there was a personality disorder. She is sucking up the joy in our home. Even on a good day, her needs take over everything in our house and we’re walking on eggshells. It’s frustrating because she’s non-compliant with medications that did seem to help, refuses to cooperate at home, and then also refuses the help from aides and refuses to go to a home. There has to be some cooperation, somewhere. Is this normal for someone with dementia? Are there any solutions short of sending her to a facility?
Not really much you can do at this stage. No matter how much you say No she will not remember it. She needs something for anxiety, will this depression medicine cover that? Put the pill in pudding, yogurt, applesauce, mashed potatoes, oatmeal...and give her a spoonful with pill, I know some a horse pill size. Not all pills can be crushed, she if these can be. Even halfing it may help.
I agree, may be time to place Mom.
So if you allow her to steal your joy...well that's on you. And I certainly understand how very easy it is when you're running on empty to allow someone to do just that.
So you MUST make time to get the joy back in your home as life is just to precious and short. You and your spouse must get out and about and do things you enjoy together and separately.
And you may also have to place her in a memory care facility, as they are used to dealing with difficult people and know the tricks to get them to do things.
That way you and your spouse can just get back to being family and advocates and not caregivers, and I'm guessing in a short time when that heavy load is lifted off of you both, the joy will return tenfold. And when your MIL is being negative and difficult, you can just leave and tell her you'll be back another day when she's in a better mood.
As to what is normal in age and dementia, each of us is as individual as our own thumb print, whether for the good or not. But age and dementia don't certain, with loss piling upon loss, make us "happier" or "better" or more whole. We lose a piece of ourselves day upon day and there's not really an upside coming. At 80 I can tell you that.
You have already got the diagnosis, and she will not try her medication. Were it me I would sit with her and tell her that living together is not working out for you, that you have a right to a decent life, and that if she will not attempt to take her meds, attempt to be more pleasant, it is impossible to live with her. But that is me. For me there is this one life. I won't give it up to anyone, and I can't think of anyone who loves me who would expect me to.
I am so sorry. I wish I had better answers and I hope someone here does. My heart goes out to you.
Who is your MIL's PoA? If it is your husband, and the criteria for activating the PoA authority has been met then he has the ability to transition her into a nice, local care facility upon some "therapeutic fib" such as: the house has a gas leak and we all have to leave until it is fixed. Then tell her she's going to a temporary apartment (AL or MC). Then she remains there no matter how much she complains.
Or, you wait until she has a health crisis which requires the EMTs to take her to the hospital. Once there, make sure the staff knows she is an "unsafe discharge" and work with a hospital social worker to transition her directly into a facility. It would be helpful to pick one out in advance just for this moment -- and you don't tell her you're doing this or wait for her approval: she'll never give it. You and hubs are not responsible for her happiness. Your marriage is the priority over her needs. You don't defend your own boundaries so maybe you two should go to counseling to find them and learn how to protect yourselves and relationship. You MIL will only get worse...
Looking forward to other responses with more insight. Thank you for posting this question.
How long do you feel you can live like that?