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My dog died in 2017, had a cancer diagnosis, then the treatment. . . parents began declining, and on it goes. This is part of life, but it's happened so quickly. I'm heartbroken.
Me too, brother passed 4 years ago from cancer, my dad passed 2001, mom is declining and I feel so stressed and sad. I am heartbroken too. Understand completely. I try to put my cares into Gods hands, it helps me cope. I feel numb sometimes. It seems when things start to get better, another health issues arises. I never felt so much stress in all my life. We need to take care of ourselves in the best way we can. My dog died years ago and I loved him so much, I still tear up with the beautiful memories of long ago. Hold on to those precious memories. May God give you peace and strength.
Do you have sources in your life that bring you joy? I understand what you are saying but it is the reality of the aging process. My mother is nearing 90. I am her only child. She is in AL and has been on lockdown since March. My grown children who all live far away came this summer and she could not see them or her great grandchildren. I felt awful about that but there was no other choice. I talk to her on the phone but there is not alot to say as she is remembering less. I just turned 64 and she couldn't remember what day my birthday was.
I suggest you do whatever you can in a positive manner regarding your aging loved ones as well as find resources to make you happy even if at times that may be hard to achieve. There will be difficult days but hopefully also some that bring you some happiness. In a sense one might feel a little gratitude that you are at this point. It means that a life has not been cut short. I will hope you find some inner strength to cope.
It is very difficult not to feel sadness when things as we've known in the distant past are no longer as they were - times that were fun, happy, loved ones and pets were healthy. That's the risk of loving and living life. You yourself "honed" in on the fact that "it happened so quickly" and I think that has a large role to play in what and how you're feeling in your circumstances. A lot of us who don't like change to begin with are often taken aback by things that change rapidly as we feel a loss of control. In reality we aren't in control anyway but, we'd like to think when things move at the pace we like or are at least ok with so we can catch our breath, that we are.
I'm sorry for the loss of your dog dying in 2017 - they are like a family member to those of us who have or love animals. When my dog died in my early 20's, I never thought I'd own another dog but when I lost my dad in 2004, my husband wanted to buy me a puppy. At the time I told him no because I was in no condition to take care of a puppy while grieving my first loved one/parent who died. In 2007, we got a puppy who unbeknownst to us was very ill. We had to nurse her back to health for her first nine months of life which was difficult at best. Now, she is almost 14 years old and newly deaf which has it's new challenges. I dread losing her especially now that my 95 year old mother with Alzheimer's is under hospice care at her new facility after contracting COVID and is in the memory care unit. When both these things occurred simultaneously, I had this overwhelming feeling that I would lose them both at the same time. In other words, being heartbroken, sad, depressed is normal under such circumstances. Try not to beat yourself up over it and allow yourself to feel what you are feeling because denying it isn't going to help. Just find a way not to let it swallow you up and be your new norm.
How I've been dealing with it for instance with our dog, Chloe, who is a Dachshund, I've been really pampering her. I bought her some really soft blankets, buy her a new toy for Christmas and her birthday even though she doesn't play with them for very long. She loves to get it when it's new. I give her more treats than I ever used to and I feel more joy when she's enjoying all the goodies. When I "window visit" with my mom, anytime she laughs or smiles I take it all in and when I leave I give her a "thumbs up" sign and she gives it back. I think it's just taking in those "special" moments no matter how small, is what helps me to carry on. Plus, I know that God's plan will always supersede my own and there's no point trying to circumvent it.
So if you can find something, even if it's just one thing, to get you started thinking in the direction of what you can implement into your life to start adding a little good mixed in with the bad or unpleasant, that may help you to carry on during the bumpy often tumultuous road we call "life." I wish you well going forward!
A change and the end are not the same thing. To paraphrase what an author said...An end is a beginning ..we just don't know it yet. You take one day at a time. You look ahead not back You be kind to yourself You take care of yourself You do the best you can You make the best choices possible given the information and knowledge you have at the time. (If your information changes or knowledge changes you can not beat yourself up for a choice you made previously) Only YOU can make yourself feel guilty. ( if you do all of the above you have no reason to allow that feeling to reside in your mind) And a difficult one..Accept that you can not do everything and you will need help and if that means having someone come in, do not allow your loved one to say they do not want help. If placing your loved one in Memory Care or Skilled Nursing is what needs to be done for their safety then it has to be done.
Do the best you you can do with whatever needs to be done each day. Don't obsess about things too far ahead or too far past. If you are part of the hands on care for your parents, help make their days (and nights!) easier.
I feel the same as you...my mom, who passed recently, went through a 2 year decline that included multiple injuries from falls, increased chronic pain, loss of mobility, dementia, medical treatments including surgeries, and loss of her 20 year old cat, who actually had a stroke, miraculously recovered, and lived another year...but passed before my mom. All I could do is make sure my mom had the very best round the clock care, was comfortable as possible, andshe stayed in her home as she wanted. During this same time, I had serious medical issues myself, from which I am recovered. One reply said to look for sources of joy...except when we get older, for some of us, there are few or none, and those we had seem to dissipate due to our physical decline, and loss of social support from friends who retire and move away...we just survive and decline slowly. I know what you mean. I feel sad too. I just don't have a solution to offer.
It really sucks, i know. Losses, losses, whether loss of a loved one, losing them b4 their body, losing a house, parents, childhood/childhood houses. Losing dad, another best friend and my godfather whose been best friends with my dad. I hear you!! Moving..
My parents were always so active and independent I daydreamed that when I was old we would do Things together. They died recently within 8 months of each other. I still am in shock. I go to their house and lie on the bed just for the comfort of it. This is life. It is fleeting and death is forever. I don’t know why I’m struggling to this extent. This is the worst event in my life. I guess it’s that we all are individual with different relationships with our family. My way of coping is to accept the pain. I’m getting by and thats ok.
God love you Susan. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know you're hurting terribly and having lost a brother and sister, I empathize; but trust me - it will get better with time. Spend time with friends and try to stay busy. Sending hugs and prayers. 🤍
I’ve lost my whole immediate family during the last 8 yrs. I think of the good times we’ve had and the amazing life we all had growing up. Good and bad. It’s life and nothing stays the same. We were a family. We still are and I’m grateful to them all for being a part of my life. Memories are what it’s about now. A little different, but it’s what we have to help us.
My LO was my mentor, guard, and life guide. My Mother was my heart and soul. I looked at Alzheimer’s and Dementia, as GOD’s way of slowly taking them away from me and everything I knew and had with them. I found that it was a little easier to deal with the situation by learning to love and treat and enjoy them in a different way than before the illness. I began by loving them more like my child. I still ask myself where did all those years go?
It's a tough tough time. My Mom passed away a few weeks ago and my life has been looking after her 24/7 for over 24 years. Watching my best friend decline was the most painful thing until she passed away and that pain tops it all. How do you deal with the sadness? I don't know that you do. It is always there...and at the end of every day in the last 2 years I would cry my heart out and pray. The next day strength would be there to keep going along with the sadness. I read a quote about grief once that said "where there is great love, there is great sadness at losing" something to that affect. It's the price we pay for having had such wonderful parents. You'll find another hard adjustment when they pass on, but you will get through that too. Hang on. Appreciate every moment you have with them, even the sad ones! Thinking of you and sending hugs.
I just lost my precious mother a week ago Friday, on Jul 24th. She was 86 and a great great grandmother. So yes, she lived a full happy life and got to meet her great great granddaughter and interact with her for the past 3 years. Not many can say that. I was her caregiver for the past decade or so. What I was not prepared for was how quickly she went downhill and died. She was tested for COVID19 but was negative. It ended up being pneumonia and heart failure that took her. I also was not prepared for the guilt I felt, could I have better seen symptoms and gotten her to the hospital sooner, in spite of the virus threat? Did I do enough for her while she was well? And now the guilt of feeling like a burden has been lifted because I only need to take care of me now. But I know she would want me to be happy and get on with my life. That's the way she was. I hope you can find the strength to go on, you and me both, taking care of ourselves for the remaining family is our jobs now.
See a therapist ! It helps. Where do you live?If you live in Maryland I can recommend a therapist. Let me know. My email address is Bernard.Altschuler25@comcast.net
Join a group after Covid threat or on line dealing with grief and recovery of a parent &/or pet. When time allows and Covid threat gone volunteer to help homeless pets and abused elderly in your area. Do your best that is all you can do then let go and let a higher power.
For me I deal with it with celebration. I have lost my last elder dog last year; at 78 I will continue to foster and place and baby sit for them, but will not get another dog. I lost the last three within so many years. I celebrate them, have pictures of them everywhere. When first they left a Buddhist friend told me to thing good thoughts of them to help them on their journey from me. Yes, you are flummoxed by grief, often unexpectedly, and you will cry and it is WORTH crying over the pain of loss. But for the most part they had such good lives and knew nothing but my loving arms to the last second. For parents, both were so lucky to live long lives and to not have to suffer long in the end, and were such GOOD people. So I am free to celebrate their love. While I live they are still so with me. Recently my bro left me as well, the man in my life, the one always there, such a good and decent man, such a long life (he was 85). I write him long letters in a journal as when we couldn't live in the same city we always wrote long letters; I decorate with collage, and I celebrate the long life he, a gay man, lived to see. From hiding in a closet to seeing a Presidential candidate. Do I mourn? Sure. I am pretty good at feeling sorry for myself on a bad day. But I celebrate them mostly, and I try to carry their goodness forward with me. And remember,, when you feel broken or depressed or weepy, LET YOURSELF feel that. They were worth missing, weren't they?
After my mother passed, a friend gave me a copy of 'The Parable of the Twins' in German. I found the translation in Wayne Dyer's book, "Your Sacred Self" as there are several versions on the internet. It comforted me immensely. (I have it on my blog, but I don't think I'm allowed to put a link here.) So Google the title and look for the Wayne Dyer one. And PS, for about two years after Mom's death, whenever I felt that I wanted to be with her, I'd go into my 'Morning Room' where her picture was nestled between all family members, and I'd feel her (their) presence around me as I had a cup of tea or read a book. I would actually say good morning and good night out loud. I didn't care if anyone thought I was 'daft;' it gave me comfort. There are too many incidences in my life that lead me to believe that this is not all that there is. I hope you find peace in your sadness.
Not that this will help, but you’re normal. You’re going through anticipatory grief. There’s already a “death” because the relationship is no longer what it was. You’re experiencing the ambiguity of their being there but being “gone” at the same time.
Having lost both my parents in the same way, I have found several ways of coping with this. Talking helps but you will easily burn out your listeners if you overdo it, partially because they are experiencing grief in their own life and they can’t cope with theirs so they can’t hear yours. Seeking a professional grief counselor can help. Selected readings such as The Grief Recovery Handbook,” gives you exercises. Massages can help release tension but likely you’ll find your tears through your cell tissue. There’s also a book called Biospirituality where you learn to sit with the kinesthetic experience of loss, and allow them to be there, using your breath to help relax and receive them instead of resist them and they will pass through you. Journaling will reacquaint you with memories and you will find their presence through your memories. I led grief groups in simple yoga exercises that everyone can do to release the grief in your body. Grief is a physical experience because feelings are in your body. The last thing to remember is that our minds are tricky and the pay want to “undo” magically all of the unpleasantness and return to “normal.” We never get over grief. We adjust to the changes and loss.
It's very hard. My Dad died, then 2 years later my Mom passed away. So, then her dog died not long after and he had been keeping me company. He was like a part of her. I carried on, it was lonely and I was sad for a long time but I'm better now. You will be too. I am sorry you are going through this.
It really sucks! I am sorry you are experiencing this! When I think of how my parents used to be, it makes me really sad. When I think of their future it makes me really sad. When I think about not being able to see them because of Covid, it makes me really sad. But when I think of the things they can still do, that gives me hope and some peace. When I think about things could be worse, that gives me hope and some peace. When I think about that they still have each other, that gives me hope and some peace. When I pray it gives me hope, and some peace. It's a roller coaster that I don't enjoy, but that I have learned to accept.
Village: I am so sorry for the loss of your fur child, because it was your fur baby. I send you condolences. I am also sorry that your parents have started to show some decline. Perhaps you can seek out a good counselor.
When I think back to what we had, I become extremely sad. But when I think back to what we did a few months back I realize that we were having more fun that I realized despite the illness. This has led me to believe the key is to just really make the best memories possible with the person that is in front of you, not the person that they used to be. And savor it. Really realize that it is a joy you can laugh if only for a moment, or enjoy a delicious meal together. Find the beauty in the little things.
I don't know that this will help, but as others have noted...you sure aren't alone. So many of us are struggling and with the same issues...and those that have been there often forget the trials of getting through day to day. I am so busy with the issues of maintaining the status quo...the routine bill paying, house cleaning, cooking, laundry, appt setting...I don't have time to notice any sadness, just fatigue and often frustration. But the one spot of joy in my life is my pup...they are such joy and distraction and love...and while it may seem like the worst possible time to think of doing something like adopting...maybe it actually a good time. It won't stop the reality of dealing with your loved one's decline...but it may help get through it. I was hesitant to adopt again but as a friend who is older and wiser told me, the pups are out there whether we adopt them or not, and if we can spare one of them the pain, and give them a life filled with love and comfort...it is a good thing. Take good care...
You think about the good times and then try one step at a time and try to deal with it day by day. Pray a little harder, step a little slower. God will heal you in time.
A few weeks ago the stress in my life was overwhelming me. I talked to a good friend who had been there and she told me she played “Let it be” by the Beatles over and over again and it helped. My daughter told me the song that helped her was “Three Little Birds” by Bob Marley. So I’ve listened to both so much that now I can just hear them in my head whenever I need them. You might give that a try. Music has always been my friend so this has helped me enough that I’m through the worst of my rough patch.
My Husband has Alzheimers and I am his sole caregiver. I grieve every day when I see his decline, especially his memory. I love him & He still loves me but its hard. I am 84 & have some health issues but we do not have insurance or money to pay for in home care or Memory care. So I take it one day at a time & trust my Lord Jesus to keep His promise to provide all my needs. He is the One who keeps me going. God bless you and give you His peace.
I pray for you to have strength in a time like this, I can relate to you because my mom is having dementia signs and she is 80 refuses help and I feel like my world is falling apart, the only thing that gets me through each day is Jesus. God bless you and your family .
The best characteristics you can have these days are resiliency and adaptability. Life is about change. I marvel at how well some people are able to do this. I suspect you get better at it the more times you start over. The loss of each pet and loved one never gets easier. Realizing your own mortality is another kind of loss. Each requires a period of grief before you pick yourself up and resume living. Some people create a new normal for themselves as a way of coping. Balanced diet, sleep, exercise and vitamin D can help you feel physically better and able to deal with everything else. Lean on friends and family for love and support. Reach out if you feel alone. Best wishes to you.
It's hard going forward without those we love and those who are part of our past. I find it hardest when around others that can share childhood memories with siblings and other close family members. I was an only and my parents were older when they had me, Now that they are gone and no siblings I feel alone a lot. I do have cousins I am closer to now but there is a large age difference so they were not around when I was younger. I do have a fantastic husband and we have been close to most of his siblings but unfortunately in recent years he has lost 3 so it is him and youngest sister left with a 10 year age difference. Surrounding ourselves with a "family" of friends has helped and having our son, his cousins and friends around can help. I found getting with people and having a good laugh so helpful after loosing someone. I remember sitting up one night with a friend and her husband playing a silly card game took some of the gloom away. Finding little ways to remember those that passed, seeing my BIL in my nephew lets me know he will never be completely gone.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
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We go through some hard times but we got to lean on him. That's where I strength comes from.
I suggest you do whatever you can in a positive manner regarding your aging loved ones as well as find resources to make you happy even if at times that may be hard to achieve. There will be difficult days but hopefully also some that bring you some happiness. In a sense one might feel a little gratitude that you are at this point. It means that a life has not been cut short. I will hope you find some inner strength to cope.
It is very difficult not to feel sadness when things as we've known in the distant past are no longer as they were - times that were fun, happy, loved ones and pets were healthy. That's the risk of loving and living life. You yourself "honed" in on the fact that "it happened so quickly" and I think that has a large role to play in what and how you're feeling in your circumstances. A lot of us who don't like change to begin with are often taken aback by things that change rapidly as we feel a loss of control. In reality we aren't in control anyway but, we'd like to think when things move at the pace we like or are at least ok with so we can catch our breath, that we are.
I'm sorry for the loss of your dog dying in 2017 - they are like a family member to those of us who have or love animals. When my dog died in my early 20's, I never thought I'd own another dog but when I lost my dad in 2004, my husband wanted to buy me a puppy. At the time I told him no because I was in no condition to take care of a puppy while grieving my first loved one/parent who died. In 2007, we got a puppy who unbeknownst to us was very ill. We had to nurse her back to health for her first nine months of life which was difficult at best. Now, she is almost 14 years old and newly deaf which has it's new challenges. I dread losing her especially now that my 95 year old mother with Alzheimer's is under hospice care at her new facility after contracting COVID and is in the memory care unit. When both these things occurred simultaneously, I had this overwhelming feeling that I would lose them both at the same time. In other words, being heartbroken, sad, depressed is normal under such circumstances. Try not to beat yourself up over it and allow yourself to feel what you are feeling because denying it isn't going to help. Just find a way not to let it swallow you up and be your new norm.
How I've been dealing with it for instance with our dog, Chloe, who is a Dachshund, I've been really pampering her. I bought her some really soft blankets, buy her a new toy for Christmas and her birthday even though she doesn't play with them for very long. She loves to get it when it's new. I give her more treats than I ever used to and I feel more joy when she's enjoying all the goodies. When I "window visit" with my mom, anytime she laughs or smiles I take it all in and when I leave I give her a "thumbs up" sign and she gives it back. I think it's just taking in those "special" moments no matter how small, is what helps me to carry on. Plus, I know that God's plan will always supersede my own and there's no point trying to circumvent it.
So if you can find something, even if it's just one thing, to get you started thinking in the direction of what you can implement into your life to start adding a little good mixed in with the bad or unpleasant, that may help you to carry on during the bumpy often tumultuous road we call "life." I wish you well going forward!
To paraphrase what an author said...An end is a beginning ..we just don't know it yet.
You take one day at a time.
You look ahead not back
You be kind to yourself
You take care of yourself
You do the best you can
You make the best choices possible given the information and knowledge you have at the time. (If your information changes or knowledge changes you can not beat yourself up for a choice you made previously)
Only YOU can make yourself feel guilty. ( if you do all of the above you have no reason to allow that feeling to reside in your mind)
And a difficult one..Accept that you can not do everything and you will need help and if that means having someone come in, do not allow your loved one to say they do not want help. If placing your loved one in Memory Care or Skilled Nursing is what needs to be done for their safety then it has to be done.
For parents, both were so lucky to live long lives and to not have to suffer long in the end, and were such GOOD people. So I am free to celebrate their love. While I live they are still so with me. Recently my bro left me as well, the man in my life, the one always there, such a good and decent man, such a long life (he was 85). I write him long letters in a journal as when we couldn't live in the same city we always wrote long letters; I decorate with collage, and I celebrate the long life he, a gay man, lived to see. From hiding in a closet to seeing a Presidential candidate.
Do I mourn? Sure. I am pretty good at feeling sorry for myself on a bad day. But I celebrate them mostly, and I try to carry their goodness forward with me.
And remember,, when you feel broken or depressed or weepy, LET YOURSELF feel that. They were worth missing, weren't they?
And PS, for about two years after Mom's death, whenever I felt that I wanted to be with her, I'd go into my 'Morning Room' where her picture was nestled between all family members, and I'd feel her (their) presence around me as I had a cup of tea or read a book. I would actually say good morning and good night out loud. I didn't care if anyone thought I was 'daft;' it gave me comfort. There are too many incidences in my life that lead me to believe that this is not all that there is. I hope you find peace in your sadness.
Having lost both my parents in the same way, I have found several ways of coping with this. Talking helps but you will easily burn out your listeners if you overdo it, partially because they are experiencing grief in their own life and they can’t cope with theirs so they can’t hear yours. Seeking a professional grief counselor can help. Selected readings such as The Grief Recovery Handbook,” gives you exercises. Massages can help release tension but likely you’ll find your tears through your cell tissue. There’s also a book called Biospirituality where you learn to sit with the kinesthetic experience of loss, and allow them to be there, using your breath to help relax and receive them instead of resist them and they will pass through you. Journaling will reacquaint you with memories and you will find their presence through your memories. I led grief groups in simple yoga exercises that everyone can do to release the grief in your body. Grief is a physical experience because feelings are in your body. The last thing to remember is that our minds are tricky and the pay want to “undo” magically all of the unpleasantness and return to “normal.” We never get over grief. We adjust to the changes and loss.