I am new to caring for my father, and I regret it. He is 91 and he is the same mean man he always was, and it has become worse with age. He only needs light care right now with medication and eating.
I was asked by my siblings to move in and take care of him, in exchange for his house. My husband and sons moved in, and immediately things soured. We were promised we could do whatever we want to fix up the house, but when we brought up painting, my father immediately said NO. My siblings listen to him. The house hasn't been painted in 60 years. This small thing has become a huge argument.
My father has always been a mean, controlling person. It has caused me tremendous anxiety in life, even to the point I've struggled to keep jobs because I can't function. He belittled me most of my life, and still does, even in front of my family. My husband speaks up, but it doesn't matter. My father will say what he wants the next day.
I did this because even though my father was mean, he helped me financially in the past. He was giving us his house because my family has lived in a tiny apartment. Now I am feeling horrible by thinking, "Does my dad even deserve care?" He is vicious.
My father still has his clothes in the bedroom my son's share. He refuses to move his stuff. He has junk in the closet in his room, and won't let us move it to the basement to move his clothes into. My father keeps belonging in mine and my husband's room too. There's no space to keep my father's belongings all over the house, but he refuses to move them downstairs to storage. There are 100 shirts of his in my son's closet alone. He has so much stuff he refuses to even move out of a bedroom we are using.
I regret this every single day for the month we've been here. I miss my peace of mind and privacy. I didn't just give up my life, I gave up my sanity.
My dad threatened to sell the house if we don't listen to him and he will not allow the house to be painted inside. He is very combative and like I said, mean as he ever was, even worse.
I am sorry I did this. I should have known better that he would not change. I've had chest pains like crazy and if it weren't for my calm husband and kids, I would have had a heart attack by now.
I don't know what to do.
Sounds like he just wants things his way. If I plan to stay there, I would just let him have his way and carry on. Not being able to paint the house or because his clothes are still in a room is just something small to me.
Just move out and find another way to care for your father. Things will just get worse as he gets older.
Your brother the POA is treating you the same way as Pops, but with more subtlety. He simply will let you know you were stupid to move in when he denies that there was any agreement. I suspect he's protecting the assets by having you as the unpaid caregiver. There probably *is* a will if there's a POA.
There's nothing wrong with saying, "Family, we made a mistake. We have to move out for the sake of our child. We can't live this way so we are moving out on Aug 1." And keep saying it like a broken record. You are worth more than this. Go.
Spring 2018 my Dad asked my son to spend the summer with him at the cottage. Dad is a hoarder and thought my 6 foot tall 200lb son could sleep on a 5 foot long, 18 inch wide cot. In a room hoarded to the ceiling. No room in the closet for his clothes, no dresser drawer either.
Spring 2019, my brother emptied the room, I bought a queen sized bed for my son to use. My brother gave Dad an ultimatum, a proper space for my son, or no summer at the cottage.
Dad did not empty the closet, his Dad’s clothes are in it. Grandpa died over 55 years ago.
For your and your family’s health, you must move out.
Please consult an elderly care lawyer to find out a path forward - Your brother is not helping this situation - he needed you to move in - now you have and he needs to support you and your decisions - everyone has to be on the same page - Dad or brother need to pay for an elder care lawyer to help you with options - Knowing is better than guessing what might happen-
Even if your dad puts you on title to his house medicaid does a check of finances that goes back I think 5 years now and any transfer of assets , money , which will have to be placed back to him to pay for his care first and then when that is depleted govt. takes over . I can tell you from my experience knowing from a lawyer your rights and getting guidance will help your health -
He does have Dementia, he is probably extremely clever in hiding it like my mom is, she can remember every detail from 40 years ago, but repeats herself and can't remember what happened the day before. He's got stuff everywhere? You need to start changing and take charge. Start by removing things from the rooms, and donating. Take pics with your phone, no one needs 100 shirts. Be discreet. My mother had over 900 romance books in boxes, claiming she just loved them, well the local senior centers are now enjoying her books. If he asks or wants to know were something is, tell him to go look for it. One of the reasons he doesn't want things to be rearranged is he will forget where it is, that was my moms trick. You don't need to paint the house yet. This is an opportunity to take back your meekness, I know, my mother claimed I was so stupid all my life. Find your voice, bark back at him, he wont remember the next day. Do you cook his meals? Pay the bills? Clean? Do yard work? By the way, I have POA now and when the papers were drawn up, I had no idea I was entitled to $15,000.00 a year out of her assets for caring for her, is your brother paying himself? Get a copy of the papers, and yes you are entitled to read it and have a copy yourself. If your name is on the deed, no one can sell with out your consent, ask to see the title, or call the title company. This is a trying time, but like you it helped me find my voice against a narcissistic mother. And you can learn to control the conversation. Sounds like he may have vascular Dementia, which is associated with stroke.
Best of luck.
Good advice!
As you have noted, there is nothing in writing that you will get the house eventually. Take this to mean that you will not get the house. You are being taken advantage of. Get out and let your siblings deal with your father.
As Geaton said, there's no guarantee you will even get the house once all is said and done. EVEN if your dad doesn't need a higher level of care, and you never have to sell the house to pay for it (and by the way, that's how it should work - his assets to pay for his care, not just automatically to Medicaid, for which the taxpayers foot the bill), doesn't mean that once he's gone, your siblings won't renege on the deal, want to sell the house and get their "share". If they're not backing you now on an issue as small as painting, what makes you think they will honor their agreement once he's passed?
I'm sorry, it sounds like they have bamboozled you into caregiving with empty future promises.
The ONLY way I would even consider staying on as a caregiver in this instance would be 1) move out with my family and 2) have an ironclad caregiver agreement spelling out a salary for which I am paid RIGHT NOW for taking care of him. Not some vague promise for future compensation that might not even be able to happen.
If your siblings don't agree to this, then it's doubtful they would have honored their promises later.
No house is worth being treated like a doormat.
There is every indication that they will not honor their verbal promises and what happens if there is a will leaving the house to someone else?
He is showing you by his words and actions that he doesn't want you there. Go!
Edit: I just read your answer to sunnygirl. Your dad should sell his assests and pay for his own care. Medicaid is not so the next generation can receive an inheritance. Trusts are not intended to hide money so a wealthy person can get welfare, they are intended to stop financial exploitation. You have asked for everything that is happening to you and your family is paying the price because you and your siblings are greedy. Sell his assets and get the man a caregiver.
Here is something else you should know: if there is no will stating that you are the recipient of the house, there is no guarantee you will get it. Not only because of probate or the possible greed of your siblings who may contest it, but because if your father's care eventually requires LTC for which he does not have enough money to pay, then he will require Medicaid (and many elders do require it even when they thought they had enough assets). Often the last asset is the house and this may be required to be sold to pay for his care. If it is not sold then Medicaid will put a lien on the house and when the house is sold the lien will need to be satisfied. You, or any other sibling, may never get the house in the end.
To recap:
1) your father is mean, has always been mean and will continue to be mean to you and your family.
2) even right now you are not allowed to make yourselves at home in his house, and you never will be allowed -- it will only get worse as his dementia increases
3) you have no real control
4) you may never actually get the house, there is no guarantee
5) you volunteered for all the above
Is that enough reasons to move on and make your life (and your family's) better? Will your siblings be upset/angry when you start putting boundaries into place? Of course they will be, they're the ones jerking around and squeezing free care out of a naive, boundry-less sibling so that they can give Mean Daddy free care he doesn't deserve on the hopes that everyone else may get an inheritance.
Tell your siblings you'll be moving out and on. Give them about 3 weeks to get a plan together and get out of there at the deadline. Your immediate family (husband, children) have priority over your father/siblings. Please don't subject them to this arrangement, this disrespect, this chaos, this terrible example of how family treats each other. I'm sorry this is so blunt but it is critical that you understand the downward spiral this arrangement will most likely take, and sooner than you think . I sincerely wish you success in moving out and moving on, and peace in your heart that your own family (and maybe even siblings) will respect you for it.
I’d get a legal consult about the house. How can your siblings give you your fathers house? Do they own it? If so, I’d get the terms of you getting the house in writing. Transfers of land must be in writing.
He’s 91...how is his health?
My older brother says he is POA and has signing authority of money, but he is listening to our dad to make decisions. This would be coming from my inheritance money, but my father is not letting me have it, although I was promised it before moving in. It's not much, not hundreds of thousands, I hope I don't sound like I'm just chasing money. I asked for money to paint, and my dad said NO and that he doesn't want his house painted.
The house is currently in my father's name and my name, which I fear isn't enough. Should his health decline so much that he would have no choice but to go into a nursing home, I fear the house could still be sold while his name is on it, and my family would have to leave.
My father refuses to take his name off his assets. The money would all be used for his care should he need to go into a home, instead they should be protecting it in a trust. My dad has threatened to sell the house to pay for his own care too. My family is mad he's been turned down for Medicaid, but they don't understand it's because his name is on all his assets, so the state sees he has money for care. I realized they have no idea what they're doing and they all think I'm the stupid, youngest sibling.
Honestly, fixing up the house wouldn't matter because I'd still have to live under his torment every day, and at this rate my dad will be going to my funeral.