I'm 63, married, with grown kids living away from home, and an unexpected and reluctant caregiver for my 86-year old mother. She and her 13-year old untrained dog (who pees in my house) moved in with my husband and me from another state after a health crisis in May 2022. Trying to figure out where boundaries need to be, how to respond to my mother's demands, navigate caregiving with a very demanding full-time job, and take her to/from endless doctor visits. She has advanced COPD, colon cancer, and breast cancer, all diagnosed just before or after she moved in with us, due in large part to her avoiding appropriate health care and healthy living for the last 20 years. Although I don't doubt that she has physical limitations, each disease is being well managed with medicine and, according to doctors, “won’t kill her.”
She was a recluse for almost 20 years after my (wonderful) dad died, not allowing anyone in her house. When she had a health crisis in May, I was finally able to enter her house. It was a hoarding situation with pet and human waste. She is still a slob, and turning her room in our house into another hoarding situation.
She won’t get out of bed except to go to the bathroom. I think it’s mainly a show to justify being waited on every waking minute. For example, she “requests” that I provide very specific food (like 4-course meals that we never prepare for ourselves) at very specific times. She demands a response to her requests immediately (within 2 minutes or she starts texting me "did you receive my text," "where are you," "what are you doing--I need you now," etc.).
I'm a Christ follower who passionately believes in "honoring my mother and father", yet can't reconcile that with the demands placed on me by someone who claims they want to be independent, but lies in bed all day doing nothing to help herself at all.
Although she is relatively pleasant now (she says all she wants is "peace"), she was a toxic mother in my childhood and adulthood, and I fear that if I try to set boundaries, her old self will re-appear.
And if the colon cancer, breast cancer and COPD isn't going to kill her according to the doctor then what will? Is she Michael Myers, Freddie Kreuger and Jason Voorhees all rolled onto one?
Both of the cancers are easily treatable with oral meds. She's on oxygen 24/7, and her vitals are all excellent. Better than mine even. My guess is that her lack of activity will cause her eventual death. She will become bedridden for real, and won't be able to fend off a simple virus.
What mental health services is she receiving?
Folks who are mentally ill generally need more support than us mere mortals, their adult children, can give. Did your father cater to her every whim?
"Honoring" your mentally ill parent does not mean saying yes to their every request; nor does it require that we tolerate unhygienic conditions in our homes.
Start by getting your mother to a geriatric psychiatrist. Then find yourself a therapist who can help you set some healthy boundaries and learn that saying "no" is not the same as disrespect.
You're right, she should see a therapist. But she is the poster child for stigmatizing mental illness. I suggested it about 10 years ago, and she wouldn't speak to me for 18 months. But my seeing a therapist would definitely be beneficial in helping me overcome my fears and establish those boundaries.
As per 4 course meals, unless you have cook and cleaner, one course is good.
Realize now, medical appointments, treatments with aging, progression of disease are full time job, you have another job, you going to need some help.
It's really hard for someone to clean their room if they won't get out of bed LOL Maybe that's why?
And of course with an untrained dog, urine isn’t all the OP is dealing with. . .
So...
Mischievous thoughts aside, your mother is taking the mickey. What was the understanding about next steps when she moved in five months ago?
In your situation, I would never take care of a person that was demanding, had poor hygiene, and I would find it difficult if my childhood was poor. Caregiving is difficult enough with a wonderful loved one let alone a toxic one. I would not do it. God does not expect you to be abused, live in filth from another, get exhausted, or neglect your family. It will only get more difficult as time goes on. I feel sorry for your mother with all her health issues but if you keep this present situation you will develop health conditions yourself if not already.
It was such an immediate crisis that I really didn't have time to think about it. She has been pleasant, but now I'm starting to see that demands are demands, regardless of whether they are delivered in a pleasant manner or not.
I have actually already taken a mental health leave from my job. I can't quit because we depend on both of our salaries, but I have to go back soon and can't imagine how I'm going to make it.
"Just gotta re-set expectations without bringing out the toxic reactions..."
So she has a toxic reaction.
So what?
Let her have a meltdown. If it's really bad, call 911 and have her transported to the hospital.
Your mother lied to you-made her medical situation and the DOG'S medical situation sound dire. You swooped in and now you are paying a heavy price for falling for her manipulation and your conflict-aversion (learned at your father's knee).
Your mom needs to be told that as she isn't holding up her end of the bargain, she will need to reside elsewhere by the end of November.
Who holds her POA for finances? Is she Medicaid eligible or does she have funds to pay for Independent or Assisted Living?
"Honoring" goes both ways.
She is not honoring the care that you are giving her, the house that you are allowing her to live in.
Meals are to be served in the appropriate place at the appropriate time. Family members are given the food that the person that is cooking has prepared.
(did you make separate meals for your kids? Did your mom when you were gowning up make you a different meal if you did not like what she made?..I bet not)
If she is physically able then she also has "chores" that she needs to do.
Setting the table, clearing the table, doing dishes and her own laundry and cleaning her own space.
that gets me to her space. She cleans it or she is out. Hoarding is a psychological problem not just a "I can't throw things away" problem and she should get help with that.
Once these boundaries are set if her "Old self appears" even more reason for her to find other housing. This is obviously something she can control.
would you put up with this behavior from one of your kids? Would she have put up with it from you when you were younger? If no then why do you?
If you can't do it for you or your husband do it for that dog. He can't speak up for himself. The bible does not tell anyine to look the other way when someone is abusing a helpless person or animal.
There is a reason the meek inherit the earth and its because they stand up for justice and protect the innocent. Meek like many other parts of the scriptures has been misinterpreted in modern times and definitions to mean the opposite of what the authors of the bible intended and what the meaning was thousands of years ago.
I suggest looking for placement for your mother ASAP.
#2. What sort of doctor tells a woman with advanced COPD, colon and breast cancer that none of those diseases are going to kill her? At 87. When advanced COPD ALONE is terminal and will kill a person sooner rather than later. Somebody's pulling somebody else's leg, aka Lying.
#3. How is an 87 year old woman who's firing out texts demanding a response to her requests immediately (within 2 minutes or she starts texting me "did you receive my text," "where are you," "what are you doing--I need you now," etc.)." "relatively pleasant"? Last I heard, Queen Elizabeth died and didn't appoint your mother as her successor. But you're asking her "how high" when she screams "jump" so there's that little issue to keep in mind: you're extreme fear of your mother & refusal to say No.
This isn't about "honoring" your parents or any such thing. This is about your fear of standing up to a bully and getting her and her dog out of your house now and into managed care of some sort where she pays others to put up with her atrocious behavior and self indulgent habits. (Which of course nobody will do bc her demands are just THAT outrageous!)
My suggestion is to get some therapy to help you figure out how to do that very thing. Or get your husband to read her the riot act and help her pack her bags. Her vacation in your home has just reached an end & it's check out time.
Good luck taking your life and your home back!
I'd rather be in a nursing home than in such "loving" care. Perhaps you should consider that option for everyone's sanity.
The mother is a slob and a hoarder and has a toxic personality. But because the OP has guilt involving religion she feels like she has to have her mother live under her roof because her religion demands it based on honoring her mother. It's stupid but all religions are pretty stupid when you actually start examining them.
It’s been awhile since I read the book but I remember one part discussing the story of the Good Samaritan, humorously retelling it as if the Good Samaritan *didn’t* have any boundaries. For example, instead of leaving the beaten man in the good care of the innkeeper with instructions and money to care for him in his absence as he resumes his own business, the GS allows himself to be guilt-tripped against his better judgment into staying with the man, thereby missing an important camel-buying appointment or something, eventually losing his temper as the beaten man becomes increasingly needy and manipulative, etc. as so often can happen when we don’t set good boundaries from the get-go! I’ve thought of that illustration often over the years as that is my own tendency.🤨
Don't dispare - but don't get too stuck. It is good to look around properly now to see where you are. Then reassess.
Then plan your steps OUT.
2ndly...
"I'm a Christ follower who passionately believes in "honoring my mother and father"
Please speak to your Pastor/Minister/Church Elder about this issue.
Honour: means respect.
It does not mean you need to provide housing, does not mean provide hands-on care, does not mean you need to forfil every want, wish or whim.
I seriously don't get why this word 'honour' has been so misused..
Anyway, speak to your church about this word & how you want to show 'honour' (without sinking into depression, suffering your own health crises, losing your job or watch your DH leave).
3rdly, boundaries. Yes read the Boundaries Book! ASAP. It really helped me & so many others. Recommend +++
The new boundary may well be your front door!
As living with you is clearly not going to work out, finding a new home for Mom may well be the answer.
Elderly parents that cannot manage their own lives belong in facilities, not in their children's homes destroying their lives.
Did you actually hear a doctor saying that her ailments “won’t kill her”? Was ‘soon’ added on? Or was it just her take on the situation?
You say “I fear that if I try to set boundaries, her old self will re-appear”. The bad new is that it already has. Do you really want to relive your childhood with a ‘toxic mother’?
My SIL citing scripture when I down right refused to do caregiving for my MIL. Put my foot down with my husband doing it as well…(I knew, I would be the one called for diaper issues, no not going there)
Is your mother all right to leave at home all day when you return to work? What will happen if she calls you endlessly throughout the day? Will she require caregivers? If so, who is going to pay for that? (It should be HER.) And what happens if she refuses to allow them? Her plan is for you to quit your job to be her fulltime 24/7/365 caregiving slave. Is that going to happen?
What's the deal with your "belligerent and dramatic" sibling?
What is your mother's financial status? Could she become Medicaid-eligible? Do you have POA/HCPOA?
Your father wasn't such a saint, if he allowed your mother to treat you as she did when you were growing up.
When a crisis occurs and she requires hospitalization, that will be your golden opportunity to tell the discharge planner that she cannot return to your home, because you cannot take care of her. Would you do as Barb suggested, and tell her she has to go somewhere else by November? I suspect you won't.
Being married to someone with any kind of anxiety, OCD, mental illness etc teaches many to be avoid confrontations at all costs 8 am sure. just to get a peaceful day!
If she is able to get out of bed, she needs to be getting up and out of bed. Perhaps you need to hold the threat of "putting her into an SNF" over her head to get more of the "desired behavior."
Of course, all of this would be different if she was TRULY bed bound.
I'm a huge dog lover, but I would NOT tolerate the dog pee. If you have a fenced yard, he needs to be outside for several hours a day. Then he should be gated with pee pads into an easy to clean area like a laundry room, bathroom or garage.
Look at it this way, you are disabling her by serving her in her room. If she is capable of getting around, she needs to get up and move. She is told meal is ready at the table. If she complaines, she would be told "can't get better if you don't get up and move".
Tell Mom you will be going back to work. This means that the waiting on her hand and foot will be stopping. That at least 10 hrs of your day will be getting ready, driving to and from and working. When you come home, there will be no 4 course dinners. Its whatever you can throw together. Clean up and then some down time for you before bed. If she feels she cannot do for herself during the day, then again SHE can hire a caregiver or go to Assisted Living on her dime. Going back to work is the best time to set boundries. Tell her she has had it good the last 4 months, but that now it has to change.
The book Boundries is Christian based. The one thing my daughter liked in it was "When saying No, you are not responsible for the reaction you get"
Those doctor appts. If Mom is stable and medications seem to be working, then I would see about cutting down on those appts. Drs do tend to milk Medicare. You can't be expected once u go back to work to cart her here or there. If the appts are local, take advantage of Senior bussing. Really, I think Mom should go to an AL ifvshe can afford it. They have transportation to appts and shopping.
Trying to appease her is not going to work forever. You will suffer from trying. You need to learn the word No and let her have her fits. Maybe she will hate living there so much that she will want to leave. My brother asked me one time how I got rid of my kids, I said I B***h. Even after my niece left home, she came over to drop off her dog and my SIL made her breakfast and packed her lunch. When she came to p/u the dog she stayed for dinner. My nephew, he is still living home at the age of 35. Why, because Mom waits on him. Why get married and move away.
The honor your mother and father commandment is about respect. However, I prefer the New Testament. It has very good sound advice, and it works.
In response to aspires2b, there is a scripture to this one. Ephesians 6:4. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.
New Living Translation.
All the good stuff can be found in the New Testament.
I also believe that our God given insight is bestowed in us by the Holy Spirit. It doesn't make us mean people to say no. God does not expect us to sacrifice ourselves to selfish people to the detriment of our own destruction. A priest told me years ago when I was just barely out of my teens that you have to draw the line with some people.