I’m naturally an anxious person and I find it difficult to not worry about my dad. Even though he is currently being cared for well, it feels like there is a problem or issue to deal with almost daily. Maybe it’s because I don’t have as much experience with being fully responsible for caring for someone (I don’t have kids yet). I often find myself overthinking or worrying too much about things that could happen to him.
How do you all cope and not stress out about the future, particularly when you know things won’t get better with dementia?
With dementia, you have to accept that it's going to be a wild ride and that you are not going to be able to make sense of your dad's behavior and you will not know what tomorrow is going to bring.
Here's my advice to you, from one anxiety ridden daughter to another: take things one day at a time and wait for the AL to call YOU before you start worrying. No call=no worries. No ambulance ride to the ER today = a good day. Don't borrow trouble for tomorrow that hasn't happened today. Otherwise, dad may outlive YOU and then what? No joke. If and when the phone rings, THEN you will deal with the chaos of the day. But until that happens, all is well. Watch some mindless TV, read a book, do a Sudoku puzzle, but don't think about dad. Force your mind OFF of the subject of what's going on with him b/c that sort of thought process leads to bad places.
My daughter the RN is always advising me to 'get therapy' but here's how I look at it: Unless the therapist is going to take the phone calls from the AL, then s/he is not going to help me manage anything. Unless the therapist is going to talk my mother off whatever ledge she's teetering on at the moment, then s/he is not going to help me manage anything. Unless the therapist is going to figure out what 'therapeutic fib' to tell my mother this time about where all her dead relatives are today, then s/he is not going to help me manage anything. "Talk therapy" is about finding solutions to problems; dementia doesn't have a solution; the only solution is when the loved one passes away. Until then, it's one day at a time.
Wishing you the best of luck with a very, very difficult situation from one who 'gets it'.
Don't get me wrong -- I stressed out plenty and had many sleepless nights, but nothing with come out differently by worrying about what isn't happening. You'll get enough stress with what is.
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
"Can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" Matthew 6:27
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34
"Finally brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." Philippians 4:8
These were just a few of the Bible verses that helped me keep my "peace" while I was caring for my husband in our home. None of us have control over what the future will hold, so it's best to just take one day at a time, and try and make the best of each day given to us by the Good Lord, as none of us are guaranteed tomorrow. All worrying does is steal our joy, and we all need more joy in our lives now more than ever. It also can make us start having health issues, so it's really not worth it in the end, so lay your worry aside, and instead start thinking about all you have to be grateful for. You may even want to start what I call a "grateful" notebook. You will be amazed on how quickly your attitude will change for the positive, when instead of focusing on the negative, you focus on all that is positive.
So be grateful that your dad is being well taken care of, and just enjoy whatever time you have left with him. May God bless you and keep you.
Of course, easier said than done! But I'm trying to actively redirect my thinking when I go down that dark "what if, what if" road.
To ease my mind and to be sure he's ok at any time, I had a few Nest Cameras installed in his home.
That totally relieved my anxiety. The cameras weren't hard to install and now I can view and hear what's going on any time I want 24 7 from my cell phone and or lap top
I respectfully disagree that counseling therapy is only to find solutions. I have a therapist I meet with online twice a week, paid for by Medicare. The goal is not to find a solution because there is none. The goal of counseling is to create a "safe space" with a trained listener who can validate everything you're feeling and help you find ways to cope, not to make the problem go away.
One of the most helpful things my therapist tells me is that I have VERY GOOD REASON to worry. The circumstances are painful and difficult. It's not wrong to worry; it's human because we love. We worry because we love our family members, and that's a good thing, not a bad one. All the wonderful Bible verses that were posted are all about how to MANAGE worry, not that worry is wrong or how to make it go away.
It's impossible to "not think" about something as close to your heart as your dad. No one ever tells a mother to "not think" about her children if they're in trouble. Why do we think our concerns for our aging relatives are any less valid?
It is possible to "put your worry to work" to find constructive, self-caring ways to cope. A good therapist can help you with that. Again, please know you are not alone.
All of your responses have helped me manage. Thank you so much for the support.
And I'm in the same boat as you, as far as never having had kids and now being responsible for someone. We're at a disadvantage (not that there aren't advantages), having never navigated the medical system, or any other system, on behalf of someone who couldn't do it themselves. Sure, we may have helped spouses with paperwork or driven family members to appointments in the past, but it's not the same as being the only responsible party. I guess one learns fast.
Some things can be prevented others not. So don't be hard on yourself.
You say your dad is in Assisted Living and he has dementia.
Have conversations with the staff and the management and they need to clue you in on his decline. There will come a time when he may be safer in Memory Care rather than AL and a move like that should not come as a surprise.
Be loving and caring.
There is nothing you can really do about the future, you can't change it. So enjoy the good days. Realize a bad day this week will seem like a good day next month.
I would only like to offer one small thing, and that is the small things. If you have hobbies and seem to have abandoned them for worry, get your materials back out and have at it. Even if only for five minutes! Look up at the outside world for a few moments, nature is a great healer.
What I am getting at is take a small pleasure whenever you can, recall the good times, take the happy few moments you might get with your dad, or had in the past, and dwell on those in place of worry.
Blessings to you, one day you will be glad you did this.
I realize that there are things we still need to do for a parent when they are in an AL. Keeping them stocked in Depends and personal items for one. I did Moms laundry. But are you allowing the AL staff to do their jobs. I know a woman who cleaned her Moms room because she didn't feel the aide did a good job. Either did I, so I complained that it looked like the aide never dusted. I was told they were told not to dust where there are nick nacks for fear of breaking them. OK, but that doesn't have anything to do with Moms headboard or the wide ledge where the window was or the small bookcase that her Bible was in and her box of cards. My Mom was paying for housekeeping. The only thing the AL should be calling you for is if Mom has fallen. Emergencies. The staff should be handling everything else. Thats what Dad is paying for. If your problem is Dad calls you constantly, let him go to VM. Listen and if not important, call when u feel like it. If its something the staff can do, call the AL and tell them what Dad needs.
And as said, you cannot predict what someone suffering from Dementia is going to do or how they will react to something you do. Its a day by day thing and you handle things as they arise.
As a lifelong Catholic, prayer has been a big part of my life, but nothing really changed until I took some action to address my worry. For medical issues I sought a doctor, for psychological issues (depression) I sought counseling, when conflicted I spoke to my parish priest, when worrying about my family, I kept in close contact (seeing or speaking to them helped relieve my anxiety), when worrying about my wife I sought a dementia support group. Is there someone you can confidently express your feelings to?
“The Lord helps those who help themselves” is not a bible phrase, although many people think it is, but it is good motto to help motivate us to take action. It suggests to me that we should not rely solely on prayer to relieve our concerns.
So go ahead and worry, anticipate his death, but find an outlet, usually another person, to express your emotions to.
Each time you feel those anxious thoughts, take a deep breath and remember he is getting great care, he is safe and you can enjoy these final years healthy, also caring for yourself.
God bless,
Except, control is an illusion. None of us really have any control.
My best advice would be to stop trying to look at the big picture. Now, this is something that I’ve struggled with, ‘cause I’m a ‘big picture’ kind of gal, but there are far too many unknowns and variables that it makes it literally impossible to plan ahead. Therefore, don’t try to.
Really, it’s like you’re climbing a set of stairs, only you’re blindfolded and can’t see where you’re going. All you can focus on is the next step. What will your father need next?
And….put more focus on there here and NOW. What does your father need right now to make life better? What do YOU need right now to make your life better? Things will change - that’s inevitable - but that’s a future step. Right now, just worry about the one that you’re on.
Stay present with him. Enjoy as best you can how he is right now, and let the bad days slide off, hoping for a better tomorrow.
Stress is caused by you wanting to be in control when in reality you have very little control over events in your life.
I surrender it all to Jesus and leave it in His capable hands.
I also obey His instructions.
If you can find a quiet place take a Bible, sit there and unload on Jesus. Then be quiet and wait for His answer. He will answer. He always has for me.
As soon as I pray, you answer me; you encourage me by giving me strength. Psalm 138:3
I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me. Psalm 16:8
Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. Isaiah 41:10
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. Proverbs 3:5-6
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Philippians 4:6
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27
You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you! Isaiah 26: 3
Thank you Poppa for blessing me with Your Divine peace. There is no need to be afraid nor worried because I know You send The Holy Spirit to walk through the hard times with me.
Because You love me I know You only want is best for me. Here is my life. I trust in You. I surrender my will for Thine. Joseph a son of Jehovah
Father, I know you love me. You have done so much to bless and save me. I deliberately place the worries and concerns of my heart in your hands… (specifically mention the things that burden your heart today). Father, I also want to thank you for the many ways you have blessed me over my life… (specifically mention blessings you have received from God). Now, dear Father, please fill my heart with your Spirit and my mind with the sense of your presence and peace. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen
These verses have safely carried me through many stormy waters as they will you
May the peace of Christ, which is the best medicine there is for the heart and mind, envelope you like a warm blanket on a cold evenings night. Joseph- Anthony a son of Jehovah
It might also help to ask the administration of the facility where your dad is to send you an e-mail or text that "bundles" the concerns of the day rather than contacting you throughout the day (emergencies are an exception). I try to remember that the "urgent request" is does not need follow-up immediately. I try to focus on what is most important: safety, nutrition, and changes in health status.
Just love him 100% for who he is. When he is okay, just be glad that he’s in the world. He may not be the person he was before he got sick but that is okay. Take lots of photos, make as many memories as you can. In a flash, life will be different, as it always is.
Learn to love “now” before it has vanished. .
I’m happy to report that my dad is getting better and it seems the vaccine did keep him out of the hospital/from developing serious illness. It’s been nine days and he is improving.
Of course I’ve thought of other issues that could arise now that this one seems resolved but I’m telling myself to take it one day at a time. I’m learning to trust and give it over to God.
I could not be more grateful for this group and for your support. Thank you so much.