Mother is pushing 90 and lives in our childhood home with one of our siblings (for his benefit and not hers). She is relatively independent...still drives and is lucid but frail and bent over, is starting to have mobility issues and shortness of breath. She has never been proactive -- or even quickly reactive -- about the house and now lets problems go to the point where it is not fully functional and repairs or replacement need to be made to keep it habitable for her, visitors and guests and eventually aides as she would like to remain in her home as long as possible. She will either complain about the situation or says its no big deal and in either case tries to fix herself, comes up with an unacceptable work around or ignores leaving rooms unusable or in need or repair. Assorted children offer to help address the issues by lining up tradespeople, taking her shopping and being present when work is being done, but it often takes months of pestering before she will take any action and sees us as meddling most of the time, which quite frankly is insulting as we all have her best interests at heart, we are giving of our time and we have valid concerns. When I visit and assorted drawers and cabinets are emptied because of mice, she is hand washing and line drying laundry because appliance are broken, there is only one operable bathroom, significant water damage in another room, etc....its obvious she is letting important issues slide. She has money and people willing to help, but she is very frugal, stubborn and wants to maintain control and acts like we are crazy when we say she needs to engage professionals, repair or replace appliances, etc. Not only do we want the house to be sanitary, safe and have the basic creature comforts for her, but for all of us when we are visiting and especially if she needs outside help to come in...which is a near-term reality given her age and health and bc the sibling living there isnt a care giver or very involved in home maintenance...but that's a story for another day. Aside from the assorted siblings raising issues weekly during calls or emails for months until she maybe comes around, how else do we press her to take action or let us handle? THX
I'm in the process of dropping $65,000 into my parents' 90-year-old house in order to make it possible to sell. My late dad, bless his heart, did everything himself, except he rarely finished a project he started. He tore out the upstairs hall bathroom and removed the original pink and black Art Deco tiles and the cast iron bathtub and tore out everything to the studs -- then stopped. That was in 1992, and we finally had all the bathrooms redone in 2018 so he and my mother could stay in the house. Turned out they couldn't stay, because Dad got sick and died six months after we were done. It took a crisis to get to the place where we had to step in to fix the bathrooms, but in the end it really didn't matter.
If your mother is not in an unsafe situation, then leave her alone. Set some traps for the mice, and call it good. The simplicity of doing laundry by hand and other lower-tech projects is her living at her speed.
If you are prepared to be quite hard-nosed and stony-faced about it, you could set up Repair A, pick your tradesperson with great care for his/her tidy habits and minimal intrusiveness, plan the project from start to finish including times, logistics and cost, then say to your mother "there are two of you in the house and only one working toilet on its last washer. This is ridiculous, so I've booked Mr Acme to visit on Wednesday and provide a formal estimate. He will be available the following week. There won't be any noise or mess worth noticing and there is no reason for you to make a fuss about it, so don't."
PS Meddling in someone's best interests is still meddling. Whatever you do, don't do this in the expectation of any thanks.
If the problems are creating a problem for the neighborhood, creating a health hazard for her or your brother you can call Building Inspector or APS.
For other things tell her Mom, I will be over on Saturday to mow the lawn. the next week pick another task that needs to get done. Doing 1 thing a week is not daunting. Trying to get everything done is.
If the brother that lives there can be charged with 1 or 2 particular tasks that need to be done, garbage, going through the cabinets, fridge and tossing out spoiled items. (notice I did not say "expired" as that term normally does not appear on packaging. "Best by and Use by" dates are placed there by the manufacturer and in most cases are meaningless)
If scheduling on your own will not work and mom refuses to get things done it may take a visit by a Building Inspector or APS if she, your brother are unsafe in the house.
Really there is only one question here:
Is your Mom competent?
If your Mom is not competent and is living in a dangerously unsanitary condition then you will need to assume some sort of guardianship. That is a huge job to take on so be certain that whomever in family agrees to this task they understand all duties and responsibilities involved.
If Mom is competent then keep offering your assistance and help when she accepts your help. Anything else is just struggling in a situation you cannot conceivably "win".
One of my co-workers went through a bathroom floor because of dry rot. Fortunately she wasn't hurt, just shaken; but you know what? The client always told each of us not to go into that bathroom, and always told us that X had made a hole in the floor. Like it was all her fault.