My 89 yo Mil is in a "memory support" group within a wonderful assisted living community near our home. She's been there 2 yrs. due to mild to moderate vascular dementia/alzheimers, but is otherwise in good health. As with many older people, when mil has to use the bathroom, she has to get there quickly. She has a supply of disposable underwear in her room. Last week, the staff called us and said that she has had some bowel accidents on outings for the past couple months and they want her to use Depends on all trips, or they will refuse to take her. They'll check that she has them on before leaving. My husband and I wholeheartedly support this decision. In fact, I want her to wear Depends when she visits our home and when I take her to a dr. appt. Feb. 19, because on a previous visit there was a bm accident in my car! (At the time, she mentioned she should have worn them.) We visited her this morning and brought the matter up but she refuses to wear them because 1) they make her look fat ( false-mil is slim and she has a slim-style depends) 2) she knows her own body and what right do we, or the staff, have to tell her to wear them?! 3) she is an independent woman and traveled all over the world with no problems (true- but that was over 20 years ago) 4) she's only had one or two accidents the whole time in assisted living (emphatically false!!--she just doesn't remember!) and 5) she just won't go on trips (fine with us and I'm sure with the staff, but trips to the dollar store, church, etc. are social outings and she'll miss out). Incidentally, the staff mentioned that they often see her washing underwear in her sink, so this is an issue even in her room. The dr. appt. is coming up, so what do I do? I told her I won't take her unless she has them on, and I'll have the staff check, and if she doesn't wear Depends, I'll just leave. She said she won't wear them and nobody is going to check. My husband and I think she is very selfish about this matter, and will certainly alienate the staff if she continues this behavior. When he mentioned this, she said, "I'm paying enough to be here, that's their job." (meaning to clean up after her). MIL was a school nurse, and has always been a spunky, stylish, independent woman, and I'm sure would be appalled if she didn't have dementia and saw this behavior in someone else. She has become increasingly belligerent the past few months, and even her son (my husband) who is the apple of her eye is now the subject of her ire and he is increasingly reluctant to visit or call her (partly because she refuses to wear her hearing aids, another sore topic which we gave up on). Okay, I'm going off track here, but what do I do about dr. appts. and also visits to our home? Thanks so much in advance for any advice you may have.
There is a pretty good thread on here about the hearing aids thing too, called "Mom has a hearing loss of 47%, how do I get her to wear her hearing aid when she refuses?"
One thing that did kind of sink in was I told her she could get urinary tract infections if she did wear them; and for some reason, this she seemed to accept. It was a constant dilemma; but one that she just had to adjust to.
It is not easy, never will be - but after a while it did get better. Good luck and take care.
It has become a problem for me because no matter how often I clean the bathroom, it smells like a urinal by the end of the day. She doesn't clean up well after an accident. Whenever we go somewhere I have to add 20 minutes to the trip, so she can go to the bathroom when we get there and again before we leave. Yes, it takes her about 10 minutes to use the bathroom. I am sure it is preventative urinating to try to prevent accidents when out. Hanging out around bathrooms so much can be tiring when done so much.
Another less serious effect is that she does a load of laundry each day. She doesn't confess why she is doing laundry every day, but I know. I just wonder if she is so embarrassed she is hiding it from me, why isn't she embarrassed enough to at least wear underpants with a pad.
Sometimes I talk to my mother about the smell in the bathroom, and we conclude that the "gremlin" must have come by and did it, because she didn't. The gremlin does a lot of mischief around here, making bad stuff appear and good stuff disappear.
Maybe one not called Depends might be more comfortable or with a different name because she relates the name of Depends to an adult diaper???? Just a thought. Blessings
Medical causes of bowel accidents are less common than urinary, but there are a couple things. Topamax has it listed as a side effect, for example, or maybe certain foods make her stools looser to where she can't control it as well.
In her case, mom still lives at home and my sister, who lives nearby, does her care. Cleopatra (the queen of denial) put towels on chairs and claimed the dribble stains leading from her favorite chair to the bathroom were from the dog . LOL
My mom has a history of Narcissistic/Borderline Personality Disorder and has been manipulative and has my poor sister wrapped around her co-dependent finger. Her personality is so extreme that we had to come up with extreme measures to assure she would wear her Depends. So, while she was in hospital for a hip replacement, my sister confiscated all her panties. We really had no other choice.
If you mother isn't that extreme, you might "reward" her for wearing her Depends. When you visit, suggest a favorite outing and then ask if she's wearing her undergarment. If not, just say, "Oh, maybe next time, then." Perhaps you could work with the staff and provide a calendar so they can mark off the days she wears her undergarment. Tell her at the end of the week or month she'll get a surprise if she's worn them every day. Eventually, she'll become habituated to wearing them and won't need an incentive.