My mom packs every night like she's leaving. This started two months ago. I thought I minimized the room, but she will squeeze her things into whatever bags she finds. Now everyday she "packs" her toiletries and I'm so tired of looking for soap, toothpaste, tissue, deodorant, etc. I can't keep giving her new ones everyday, searching the room every morning before work and hearing her complain that I'm going through her things. Last week she took all the forks out of the kitchen. I then took all silverware out of the drawers and replaced them with plastic ones. Two days later the forks reappeared. I'm not bringing back the silverware though! I keep my bedroom door locked because she use to move my things. What do I do?? Any tips would help. I hide the stock of tissues, paper towels and soap because she goes into the closet and packs those. My room is getting crowded!
"The more self sufficient they have been in their life I think the more troubling it is for them to lose control"
Madge, your insight explains so much, as well as the basics of an alternate theory: find a way for them to keep control, whether it's over the number of cans in the pantry or over their own health.
I'm going to spend some meditation time this afternoon going over everything we do to think of ways I can create more control for my father. With him, though, the loss of woodworking ability is probably something that will really be a challenge.
I've seen this so much, personally, and see it in myself. I guess I'll be a real curmudgeon when I get older, but maybe I can develop a plan to maintain control over something as I age. Let's see....I still have control over my massive fabric stash, my gardening magazines...
Not if it would make her frustrated and potentially physical with it, but you could also think about putting those child-proof door catches on the relevant cupboards. They may deter her for long enough for her to go and find something else to fiddle with.
I've seen the hide and go seek, lost accidentally and found accidentally syndrome, but now surprisingly in myself. The more stressed I get, the more difficulty I have in finding some things even when they're right in front of me. If there's dementia involved with your mother's health, that could account for some of the hiding issues.
I think the idea of a fidget box or fidget suitcase is a good one.
The more self sufficient they have been in their life I think the more troubling it is for them to lose control
Take away the checkbook and car keys then they tear the place apart looking for them so they can hide them someplace safe where you won't find them and take them away again - much like a dog burying a bone -
Sometimes mom knew exactly where she put them and other times if she changed the hiding place because I discovered the last ....
dementia is a long tiring journey for everyone
My mom was such an independent person, private and NEVER wanted people to know what was happening in our home. It was dysfunctional at best, and I believe parts of her is still in there with the same persona. So the aggressive behavior for me that she displays is somewhat hard to distinguish because she was like that when I was growing up. Last evening was awful, and to think we just left the doctor's office to "clear" her for travel for a weekend visit for her sister's 80th birthday party. We had a nice dinner at the restaurant and she goes wacko because I won't take her to the bank so she can withdraw all her money out and not give it to caregiver. And her delusions of my "motorcycle man" riding his motorcycle all over the house, and on and on of stories. Her blood pressure was high due to her anxiety yet, she refused to take her meds. She did not sleep last night and neither did I. I can't keep going like this and I don't have the money to have the caregiver come for hours on end. No true relief from my family.
So to do my part as the best daughter decision for my mom is to do my due diligence and look for a memory care facility for her. She refuses meds from me and I can't always slip it in her food because sometimes she refuses to eat. She thinks it punishes me when she doesn't eat or take her meds. She says this way she can tell people that I'm not caring for her when they see she is losing weight. Everything is my fault. It's crazy, she is hurting herself this way.
What the other posters are suggesting are good ones: Though I realize it's a great inconvenience to you to deal with the challenges of her illness, what she has and you don't is time: meaning she has time when you're at work to find everything you've hidden, so when you are dealing with someone who has a "Alice in Wonderland" type of mindset at the Mad Hatter's tea party, you don't need rationale, you need patience and a supply to outwit and outmaneuver your parent.
When my mother began to "hoard", we packed up everything - and took it to a room we can lock. We got those bookshelves and stacked everything neatly for us- it looked like a library-used shoeboxes and plastic things to keep everything neat for us- not her- for like everyone else, no one wants to try to find their stuff when they got to go to work and aren't dealing with this.
But it you're dealing with a parent that doesn't that, what's normal isn't always the safe option, so this is where creativity begins. If you plan to store flatware in the house, unused office space in the house is a great way to keep things close at hand with furniture already in your home.
What you may need to do is switch things around. Empty out the locking cabinets in your house and start locking everything up. It would be better, (and easier) for you if you already have an office space, if not, a four shelf cabinet with a locking drawer in your house (any office supply store) will go a long way: flatware in the top drawer, plates and cups in the second, paper goods and other misc items in the bottom. Get two if you need them. Make sure you have a locking toolbox for the tools you may have, and everyone has keys to it.
Cabinets have doors close together? Bike lock and the cable that goes with it keeps your plates where they are. (Duplicate keys to the family). Better yet, a office filing cabinet with a lock; repurpose any old office cabinets we have in our "office" into useful store everything in there we need (just make sure the locks work). Lock up the tools in a working toolbox.
Will it be inconvenient? Yes, but we do that more often than not, no one asked us whether you wanted to deal with a locker at school, we just adjusted to it and made it a part of our day.
Considering she took flatware, it could have been knives. That's something to consider, especially if you're storing things and are used to availability at a moment's notice (in the kitchen, who doesn't expect to reach in and pull out plates and knives while cooking and eating?) So while it may not look pretty, choosing pretty and locking furniture will not ruin the look of your house, and if you already have the furniture that locks, that's a bonus - nothing will look out of place at all.
Around the holidays, this becomes especially important because you want to dignify your parent, so using the dishwasher to clean up is one thing, finding your stuff gone the next day is another. It would help if you have extra furniture that doubles as storage in the house. This is tricky: she can't be in the room when this is done: after everything is washed up, you can put your clean dishes and flatware in those storage spaces (it doesn't even have to be neat) so you can enjoy the party and not go through the eye popping discussion of explaining why you're locking up your stuff right after dinner. It does have to be done out of their view or breakfast may be missing your needed pans and dishes.
We put out the bare things needed - "her stuff" and "our stuff." We even got tape and labeled it. She will not like seeing everything "disappear" but it's best that the stuff disappear (we made stuff disappear into cardboard boxes when they took her on shopping outings) before you divvy what's left.
Then came the words: if you lose what is labeled your stuff, we can't help you find it because we won't know where you put it. But if our stuff is missing, we know it's you. And if you take our stuff, we will replace it with something from your pile because we didn't lose it.
Was I ungrateful little brat that she raised? Yep, plenty. Got called lots of names, but it gave her the control she needed and gave us a sense of control as well. So even when it got to a point that she was going through the house and trying to get into that part of the house, where we locked everything up, the idea isn't to give in- it's to set boundaries when you're not there and not harm herself or someone else.
If she is into packing, it's because she trying to gain a sense of control over her environment. Which is why you give her "controlled control" over her environment- if she wants to pack up what's her; she can. Remember when we did things behind our parents' back because no one could tell us what to do? Even it its stupid, we did what we could to assert control - kind of why your real forks returned after the plastic ones came out- she probably didn't like eating with them and that was her way of bringing normal back to dinner.
If you have limited space, I would recommend using what you have, but in this case, the only real suggestion is office cabinets; they aren't pretty but going to a local hardware store and letting them suggest a variety of colors to fit into your décor will go a long way. In my home, we literally cleaned out a space and locked it until she relinquished the desire to control it; her desire to control that part of her world.
She would often "steal" silly little items from around the house, children's gumball rings, bottle tops, her own jewelry, any tiny treasure she could get her hands on, but even worse, her dirty underwear and other nasty's. She would wrap and double wrap these items in tissue, and put rubber bands around them, and then hide them deep in her closet, in suitcases, or behind them.
After a particular episode where she became unable for our Mom to manage her at home, as remember not much was understood about organic brain disease, Alzheimer's, or Dementia in the 70's, she was put into hospital and it was determined that she could not return home to us, and so she was placed into a Nursing home, my poor Mom's saving grace after caring for her for 12 years, and my Parents, not yet having finished raising their own 6 children, poor Dear's!
When we went to move our Nana to the Nursing home (I was about 17 at the time), it was then that we found dozens and dozens of these wrapped up trinkets, and you didn't know what you would find inside, so every one needed to be opened, Yucky!
My Nana sadly also cut up 100's of old family pictures, the real old ones from the late 1800's, early 1900's. It's those things you cannot replace.
I'm so sorry you are going through this, I was but a kid when this was going on, and didn't feel the entire extent of the stress caring and watching out for her as my folks did, but I also remember Mom and Dad removing the stove buttons, so she wouldn't burn our house down.
It wasn't until I was in my 40's, that I began helping in the care of our own 4 parents, though luckily none of them died of Dementia, but other horrible disease processes. None of which are easy, but such is the role of the chosen child, normally it's just one, however I lucked out in that all of my siblings shared in the care of our Mom and Dad, my husband unfortunately was the Only one who looked after his folks, with my help of course.
My husband's Dad died last month of Lung Cancer, on Hospice and in our home.
You be sure to take care of you in this rough rough time of caring for your Mom, it so important that you get as much help as possible, and breaks along the way! Take Care!
Nothing drains your spirit more than trying to help someone who refuses help, is a danger to himself and projects all his fears on you... I've been there, not with my mother, but I know very well what you are talking about.
Eventually, the way someone lives determines the way he or she will go away, hopefully to a more serene place, when the time will come. This has been my conclusion. But oh, it is so hard to witness.
I just wanted to give you all my support. Stay strong, you can make it.
It is the dementia. There is damage in the brain. No amount of reasoning, bargaining, tough love, negotiating, or magic is going to change it. The best you can do is try to minimize its impact on you.
In this phase my husband tried to call the sheriff to report that he was being held against his will. Fortunately he couldn't dial the phone well. Sometimes he went across the street and asked the neighbors to make the call for him. He was in his own home. But he kept insisting he wanted to go home. This made more sense when you realized that he had delusions that he was in a train station or a hotel or a high school. He never packed silverware, but some of the things he did pack were touching. A map of Glacier park. (We live in Minnesota.) A t-shirt. The book he was reading.
For him this paranoia/packing to leave stage lasted 4 or 5 months, but it sure seemed like forever while it was happening.
It may be that placing your mother in an appropriate care center will be the best solution in the long run. Whether that is regular assisted living or memory care will have to be evaluated, but it wouldn't hurt for you to start exploring the options, and looking at the finances to make that happen.
Meanwhile, try to take your mother's behavior in stride. She isn't doing this to hurt you (in spite of what she may say). She is doing this because her brain is damaged.
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