I managed to have a whole day out yesterday with 2 of my sisters filling in to stay with Mom in my absence. She loves being with them, but when I came home I got the silent treatment, and it went on through the evening. When I asked what was wrong she said she was so bored from staying at home all day. At bedtime she apologized for being “pouty” with me. I told her it was all right and we would make tomorrow a better day. She then offered she had been blue and lonely from being home all day. I do so much for her willingly and keep her engaged with activities she can still do, outings as often as we can, etc. Today I feel it wasn’t worth it to leave her with how low I feel this morning. After almost 4 years of caregiving, this has happened before, but not to this degree. I’m sure this is normal, but how do you handle similar situations?
This kind of guilt is useless. How do you get over it? You keep telling yourself that you need to take care of yourself so you can take care of your mom, and just keep doing outings and it will get easier the more you do them. As long as mom is in good hands while you are out than you are good!
I know it is difficult for your mom to understand that you need time to yourself, but just keep explaining how it is important for you to have this time to yourself, and that you will do whatever she wants in turn. Don't reward bad behavior, but a little reward for being good goes a long way. Get what I am telling you?
That’s true. No one can make us feel guilty. Oh, can they try though! I haven’t mastered how not to let it drive me crazy. Know what I mean?
Changing subject doesn’t work with her so I end up having to walk out of the room.
I really think that parents need to understand that we have lives too. Were they with us 24/7. No, we went to school, had activities. If they wanted to go out they got babysitters. Are we really suppose to spend every minute with a parent we r caring for. Not even husbands and wives should spend every minute together. We all need time to wind down, get away.
I adore this answer! Our parents do expect a lot. I am going to read this answer over and over for me! Thanks!
So true! My mom has always been closest to me. I don’t think she intentionally tries to make me miserable. She just feels closest to me, not even realizing that her feeling of being closest to me can sometimes be a burden to me.
We do bond with certain people more than others. I dated lots of people and enjoyed their company but my husband stole my heart.
I overlook her comments or silence because I love her so much. When I reach my limit I have to explain to her that I have needs to. I try to do so as calmly as I can but I am human and make mistakes too. Sometimes I am frustrated and not as kind as I should be. She will then agree with me and say that she is sorry. I tell her that I am sorry for raising my voice.
She is more passive aggressive, haha, never raises her voice so she can say to me that she NEVER raises her voice at others. That drives me crazy! I would rather someone tell me off than be passive aggressive. Anyway, pet peeve, I suppose.
I tell her that all of us make mistakes, misunderstandings occur at times, and so forth. It’s sad that we put so much pressure on each other to be perfect. No one can be perfect.
We are going to screw up and all we can do is start over. Makes no sense at all to beat ourselves up. We can feel badly about something to motivate ourselves to improve, but if our guilt ends up hurting ourselves then it has the opposite effect, self abuse. No good can come out of that.
you do not mention in your profile if she has dementia. If she does then the tactic mentioned above is a good statement. Validation and empathy but do not give away your right to good mental health by not taking breaks.
You NEED rest days to continue.
Do it regularly to keep your sanity and avoid burnout. Same time each week will develop a routine for you. She'll get used to it.
The sentiment I see most often from former caregivers when their caregiving has come to an end is "I wish I took more time for myself." I try to remember that every time I leave the house and leave mom with someone else.
YOU have to take time for you, it is a non-negotiable. Maybe if you switched the perspective a little from "mom was unhappy" to "mom was safe." Sometimes you're not going to get happy from them, but as long as they are safe you are doing your job.
Hang in there and keep trying, it will get easier.
Yes, sad as it sounds, you are allowing her to make you feel guilty. Stand up to her, you're not a child anymore. It's only difficult the first time, then it gets easier.
First I remembered my promise to myself at the beginning of all this which is to prioritize my own self-care. You can't pour freon an empty cup.
I also realized that some situations require me to respond purely as her full time caregiver and not as her daughter. That was a big one! Finally, I had to understand that in the end, mom is fine. I redirect the conversation. Sometimes I bring something back for her (a pastry, a decorative pillow, new coloring book, etc) so that she knows I was thinking about her while I was out. Lastly, it's ok to tell a white lie if you think it will help her to feel better about you going out (a DDS appt or helping a friend paint.) Do what you need to do- remind yourself caregiving is a big job! She loves you, ok your turn. 😊
Consequently, a lot of what you feel in this situation is not just a simple guilt feeling, you have dared to go against your basic self-conscientious feelings regarding your mother, and now you are paying for it. No amount of logic will counteract what you feel.
I don’t exactly know how to get around this situation, other than to suggest you treat it as a habit that you must break, i.e. keep going out as much as you can and eventually it won’t bother you as much as it does now.
I'd schedule a day like this weekly if possible. Work it out with Mom or just tell her this is what's happening. Explain its personal time for you and her. Running errands, your going rp tour own appointments, shopping,etc.
Could do an entire day or 2 half days. She needs to get used to this because things will only get harder for all. Someday she won't understand and might not ever understand and then you just go.
You have earned your time off my dear. Take it and keep your sanity.
Afterall, Nurses even get days off.