She follows me around pacing almost knocking me over screaming and insulting me at dinner. Every night .These fights last all night. She Complains about me having an energy drink or too much of something to eat. Or I didn't put the lid on something. She gets irrationally angry about the fan being on. She chewed my out all night because I slept in at a buddy's house And had a nurse stay at her house. She screams I am not talking to you over and over. Sometimes I hire a nurse just so I can eat in peace. I went and sat in the car and cried for two hours. She started banging on the door and then when I went to see what was wrong she said can't tell me because I am a liar.
Sometimes there are no good answers, just the least detrimental to our own selves.
I have to say that these nightly feasts of insanity will kill you before they do her. It's not good for her either but, her brain is broken so it doesn't effect her the same, even though it can't be good for her to be this wound up.
Please take action before you become a statistic.
Great big warm hug! You can implement the changes, you got this!
Your mom OBVIOUSLY requires a lot more care than you are able to provide now and even some medication to keep her calm, and it sounds like you're in way over your head.
So I hope that you will do whatever it takes for both you and your mom to live out your days in peace.
Start by informing her primary care doctor what's going on. Insist that you can no longer care for her. Good luck with moving on from this miserable situation!
I would take the advice of the others and consider placement or your OWN health WILL suffer.
I would start with a doctor's appointment to rule out a urinary tract infection and then proceed to respite care while searching for a long term care facility. Bottom line: You need a break before this situation breaks you. Urinary tract infections can cause terrible behaviors in the elderly. How is your mother during the early daytime hours. Evening hours can be the worst for sundowning behaviors. Maybe playing some nice music, better lighting or a snack might help before dinner. Hire outside help for a couple of hours to give you some peace. Mom pays.
Eat your dinner somewhere else before tackling this unpleasant chore of feeding your loved one. The brain is broken, but no one is equipped to handle this level of abuse night after night. Solution: Stop being available for the arguments. Get a hotel room with a pool if need be.
I had a client like this once, and ended up leaving the case. The dementia in this client was poorly managed and the client had nasty sundowning episodes that included trapping me on a basement step when it was time to clock out. I was in the basement doing laundry. She had been known to attack aides physically and chase then out of her home and then turn around and call the agency to complain that the aide hit her which was a lie. The agency would criticize the aides for not sticking it out and to be abused in the process of caring for this person. It's not fair. The agency wanted the money but provided no workable solution in making a situation better for the client or the aide. Family members didn't help with doctor's appointments or medications needed to calm this down. When I left this case, it took the doctor three months to get my blood pressure down to a safe level. I had been in the workforce for almost forty years and this was the first time I cried on a job.
I refuse to stay in a situation where a client is not being properly medicated so that they can have some semblance of peace from the symptoms of this disease. It also makes it easier when they are cooperative with the care they are receiving. Doctors or counselors who refuse to medicate are not dealing with a situation night after night.
At this point in your life, you have gone as far as you can go in your mom's dementia journey. It is now time for placement. It's time for you to put the focus back on you and your goals.
Everyone went about their own business. I was somewhat surprised at that and thought we must be getting more accustomed to being around these type patients.
At least she didn’t appear to be angry as your poor mom is.
i’m sorry you are going through this. I think you have to distance yourself in some manner while you search for a different solution. Perhaps ear plugs would help? I eould suggest headphones but she might attack those. I am sending you both wishes for peace and rest and relief from whatever is driving her anger.
My mother’s doctor said , “ There often comes a time when a parent with dementia can not be taken care of by their adult child .” Your mom sees you as a defiant child . Mom needs to be take care of by non family ,
If so it is time that she is placed in a facility that can care for her 24/7.
If you are not POA and someone else is you inform them that you can no longer safely care for your mother.
If no one is POA you can contact Senior Services or Area Agency on Aging in your area and talk to a Social Worker and tell them that you can no longer manage caring for her and that you need APS to step in that this is a Vulnerable Senior and you can no longer safely manage their care. This will probably go to Court and the Judge will appoint a Guardian. ( If no family member wishes to be Guardian)
If she can not remain at home she will be placed in a facility that can safely manage her care.
If she is currently under the care of a doctor you can inform the doctor that she needs medication to manage the behavior. that might help.
If at anytime she is taken to the hospital be sure to tell the medical staff that she can not be discharged to home as it is not safe, you can no longer safely care for her.
You really do not give any information about your mom, her diagnosis and are you living with her, is she living with you.
But know you are not under any obligation to care for someone that abuses you.
If at anytime you feel threatened and that you might be harmed call 911.
If you are living with her there are Women's Shelters you can go to if you have no friends to stay with.
Here in NC where I live Medicaid covers all of the above, some right out and others after a few years of self-pay.
So it's best to check the Medicaid website to see your states eligibility.
There IS your choice to make. If you depend on her income, you can decide to suffer more or to move on to save yourself. Your current living arrangement is not working out for you, so Move Out. If you become homeless, go to your county to get financial and housing assistance.
Get her house sold. If it is your house, move mother to memory care then Medicaid will cover her.
In answer to your question: you don't. You arrange for someone else to handle your mum's mealtimes, and every other aspect of her care. She needs specialist care now, as well as medication to calm her.
This should be paid out of your mum's pocket, or through whatever state assistance is available. It's time for you to step back.
In the meantime, don't have meals with your mum - eat at separate times and rooms, even if that means sitting in your bedroom!
Crying accomplishes nothing. That's what she wants to see. She's lashing out at you because she wants you to fight with her. This is a dementia behavior. Don't do it. Instead call her doctor then go and see them. Tell the doctor what she does and to prescribe medication to mellow her out a bit otherwise you will have to place her. Then you give her a drink right around the time of day she starts with the verbal abuse and other abusive behaviors, that is dosed with medication. Don't even tell her. Just do it. Make sure the doctor gives you meds in liquid form.
You do mention that she has a nurse who spent the night at her house. So she has some kind of homecare. Talk to that nurse because she can be a good resource to you.
You also have the option of bringing her to the hospital ER and asking them for a 'Social Admit'. Tell them that you cannot and will not provide the care she needs anymore because you are living elsewhere and she is alone. The hospital will admit her until a suitable care facility will accept her. This is a last resort, but it is an option.
If you live in her house, you will have to move out. You'll get some time though. Medicaid (when it's applied for) and whatever facility she lands in will give you some time to make another living arrangement.
It's time for your mother to go into memory care and you takee back your life.