My wife and I took in her mother 6 months ago because she fell a lot. We felt it was the best thing to do, but now I want her gone! The issue is that she is always in the way. She insists on doing things HER way. We have to plan our meals around her. We have to plan our times away around her. If we don't include her, she pouts. In addition, my wife has developed mixed connective tissue syndrome and is constantly in pain. Yet, her mother feels she should shuttle her everywhere and constantly lift her walker in and out of the car. My wife and I are both around 60 and still work, yet she thinks my wife should spend more time with her taking her shopping and driving around. She hates our pets and puts trash bags on her chair so she won't get any cat hair on her! She is very, very slow. She has a lot of water retention in her legs and has to use a walker. She claims she is an independent woman but has to have us to take her places. Oh, she will wash her own laundry and dishes but get in our way so much, we don't have the opportunity to keep up with our OWN dishes and laundry. She insists on going to the store. My wife and I no longer have "us" time. Our whole home is now operating on what she wants. Despite having the mobility issues, she insists she will drive again when she's already had a few minor accidents but won't give up her car. My wife and I...we've prayed, we've cried, we've cussed and fussed and have just about thrown our hands up. Her mom keeps saying "don't you put me in a (nursing) home", so we feel stuck with this woman who will not compromise in any way about anything except HER way!
Agree with her that someday, when she gets better, she'll drive again. You know she won't. She knows she won't. Hell, I know she won't. So why are you about it. Pick your battles. Let go of what you can, change what you can't let go of. You didn't want to leave her home alone and that was very good of you. Now you got this lovely little package in the house, wrap it up pretty and do the best you can with it.
Sometimes the lovely little package in the house needs to be regifted or rehomed for everyone's sake and sanity.
My Mom eventually ended up in AL with dementia.
Although certainly not laughing at dementia..
My DH likes to go shirtless. He has mentioned he may add pantsless if the future needs it to dislodge adult kids...
Dislodging a MIL may need different tactics!
If the old woman was in her own home , and not able to care for herself properly or has signs of dementia and wasn’t safe to live alone, Dept of aging or Adult Protective services can be called to check . They will remove them from the home and place them in AL.
That was the plan for my mother who lived alone . Even though I went over everyday , I knew she wasn’t safe alone the rest of the time . She refused to go to AL . Dept of aging was called , they determined she needed 24 hour supervision . They were due to come back to remove her from the house but Mom ended up in the ER before that and then went to AL from there . While in the hospital they also determined she was not safe to be alone . While in AL My mom finally agreed to see a geriatrician to prove to me that she could go back to her house . Well , nope . She had dementia , no surprise .
But again without a cognitive problem and if this old woman basically takes care of her personal physical needs , it can be difficult . Basically her daughter has to kick her out. But if the woman is not totally independent , including making meals etc. she should be in AL.
My mother used to say she was going to leave AL and I told her she had to figure out how to do that on her own , which never happened.
I’d develop a quick response to her perpetual ‘don’t throw me into the briar patch, brer fox’ (AKA nursing home). “This is not your nursing home and you are not the manager”.
Then two or three follow-ups: "Please do what we ask"; “If you want the services of a nursing home, you will have to move”. Write your own extras – “This is our house and to live here, you follow the rules without complaining”. Repeat repeat repeat.
You can’t persuade her to change. What you can do is draw a clear line in the sand, that you all can see, and see if she stops. If she crosses the line, she has had ample warning of the result.
I had a similar problem when my Dad moved in. After a few months, we came to an arrangement. At home, my father (90) does laundry on Monday, that's his day. We run his errands on Tuesday; so all doctor appointments, shopping trips, dry cleaning, etc are scheduled for Tuesdays. I do dishes on odd numbered days, he does dishes on even numbered days. Dad has a night out with friends, I drop off and pick up. We go out to eat once a week, his treat (instead of burning the house down trying to cook). We discuss the calendar every two weeks so things don't surprise us. We are flexible for changes as needed. But we don't have the emotional roller coaster of conflicting schedules, or competing power any more.
I suspect some of this is her misplaced need to feel important.
One I had to call dept of aging. My mom
One I basically tricked into going to AL. My FIL.
And MIL ( divorced ) up at base will also refuse when we approach the subject. We can’t get her to do POA either.
You plan based on you and your family's needs considering Mother's needs.
YOU do not cater to her. You politely explain once how things are going, i.e., we are eating dinner at xxx o'clock. We'll let you know when its ready ... or 'we are taking you to xxx medical appointment. We'll let you know when to be ready).
YOU set boundaries and stick to them.
You are not stuck unless you believe you are. You haven't set any boundaries with her so she is running the ship. You need to dock your ship.
Lastly, why are you catering to her and allowing her to dictate everything going on in YOUR home? This is about you and your wife allowing her to run YOUR household. "IF" you want to be helpful to your MIL, you need to compassionately set boundaries - for her wellbeing and safety. Period.
You do not engage in any argument.
She is, of course, frustrated, scared, and whatever else.
You calmly respond to her once ... whatever she says.
If you cannot that easily, do reflective listening: "I hear you saying xxx" and then stop. Talk in a calm voice, state your need/what is going to happen then walk away. Do not engage. This is adding fuel to the already ignited fire.
Gena / Touch Matters
2. Speak with her PCP about the dynamics and, have her assessed for cognitive status.
3. Be sure that POA status is in place so that decisions can be made if and when necessary for her well being as well as your and your wife's.
4. If you or she has affiliation with a faith community, you may try having the pastor come to your home to witness and be a part of a conversation with the mother in law about everyone 's needs, well being, boundaries, expectations and, options. This may or may not be possible or pleasant given the description you have provided.
Nevertheless it is a needed starting point conversation to move forward toward you and your wife's well being and, the mother in law's needs.
5. It is natural and many many people hear the same ranting from family members about " nursing homes". Have the PCP assess her for " level of care needs". That way you have the professional input as to whether she is " independent", " assisted living" or " skilled care" status.
6. You may also need and want to explain to her and the PCP about your wife's illness and, inability to meet the caregiving demands of the mother in law. Explain to her that for her( mother in law's) " safety" it is best to look into placement for her so that all her needs can be met and, you will all know she is being cared for as you and your wife are not physically able to do so.
7. If all else fails, you can always call APS, Adult Protective Services, and report the situation of her ranting and raving and, seek their advice. ( May or may not help)
8. If she is in one of her ranting episodes, call 911, have her transported to ER for assessment and, speak with Social Worker or Case Manager at that time about placement.
Elderly folks often grieve getting old and fear changes. Anger and attempting to ' control's the situation can often beca part of their demanding behaviors.
Set the boundaries that you are comfortable with and demand that your MIL abide by them. You may have to remind her over and over again because like a child, she may continually test them.
Be strong and don't let her reactions sway you. You're providing a safe, caring home for your MIL - you don't have to become her servants or care slaves.
If you decide to keep her in your home then I would set boundaries by starting with a calendar. On this calendar you write in the day of the week you take her to the store, out to lunch, whatever. Even schedule the day she is allowed to do her laundry. Try to bunch a few things together on one day. Schedule it. Then when she makes a request to be taken somewhere NOW you tell her to check the calendar for her day to be taken out. The free spaces on the calendar are for you and your wife for work and time together. If she throws a fit you say, well there is always option 2 if you don’t like this arrangement but we will not continue to be run around ragged in our own home.
You deal with a senior brat the same way you deal with a kid one.
I don't know if you have any kids of your own but even if you don't ask yourself this question.
How long would I put up with my MIL's behavior if it was coming from a child?
Answer:
All of five minutes. You put up with it from an adult half that long.
MIL gets told TODAY that either she shapes up or she ships out. When she says 'jump' you and your wife don't say 'how high'.
You and your wife say, 'when I'm damn well ready and if you ask again the answer will be no'.
Make sure she really knows that the nursing home will ALWAYS be an option. In fact, I would even suggest that you strategically place pamplets from different nursing homes and residential LTC facilities in areas of the house where she is sure to see them. Visual reminders may be just what she needs to keep her in line and respecting boundaries.
That if she gets too stubborn, too pushy, too entitled, or too fussy you and your wife will not hesitate to place her.
Starting today, she gets a bedtime. We will for our overly-sensitive forum members call it a 'retirement time'. At a certain time of night (set by the two of you), MIL retires to her bedroom. She doesn't have to go to sleep. She can watch tv, read, go online, take up knitting - whatever. She stays in her room though. The kitchen is closed to her. The rest of the house save the bathroom is closed to her. No one talks to her after hours because it's not her time.
It is your time with your wife.
Lay down the law with her today, my friend. If she will not live by your rules and be respectful of your boundaries in the home, then she will be calling another place home. Stay strong.
I gently suggest researching senior housing and gather a few options for “independent” MIL to have her own space. Then comes the talk. Most importantly, you need be united as a couple as Mom will go easy. Try to look ahead to calmer days. You both certainly deserve it.
No. The OP's wife does not have to get a doctor's note saying that she cannot be a slave to her mother.
Please. The OP needs to tell his MIL that no will be humoring her anymore.
That either she cuts the crap and learns to live by their rules with respect and within the boundaries they set, or she will be getting placed elsewhere.
End of story.
She's a senior brat. Same as a kid brat and you deal with them the same way.
Once you're all sitting down and you have her undivided attention, start with a clear statement about how your current living situation is no longer working because of the size of your house, your wife's health and your own. And that you and your wife will help her figure out her finances, set a budget for herself, and find the best place that she can afford.
Be ready for her reaction to be not good. Stick to the facts - that your wife is unwell, that your house is too small for 3 adults - and that this decision that you and your wife have made regarding her living with you is not up for discussion.
Also be ready to have this discussion on a weekly basis as you find more possible places for her to live and schedule a tour. You have to make this real for her because she cannot drive and she will not pick up the phone and make these appointments for herself. You will have to drive this change!
I see LOTS of senior apartments in Bowling Green. Get her on the list for all of the ones within her price range. And when one is available, take her to sign the lease and help her move in. Acknowledge that this will be a huge change for her but that it is necessary.
She is able to make her own decisions and made the decision to move into your home, I assume you didn’t twist her arm so now that she’s feeling so much more self sufficient, less in need of help it’s perfectly reasonable to sit down and talk to her about what her next step is. You will never leave her high and dry but now that she’s better (according to her) you really need your independence back so what is she thinking she would like to do next? Give her the autonomy without giving her your house as her option. Offer to help find the rite situation but the decision is going to be hers. This will likely take multiple discussions but being proactive maybe before and certainly after each about finding options to present her is important. Your wife, her daughter should probably take the lead on all of this with you there to back her up and help diffuse any objections but remember the best way to diffuse may be making sure MIL feels she has the control, she does with her life just not with yours.
Personally I would try this before taking a firm line or “forcing” a placement since it doesn’t sound like anyone could do that anyway since she isn’t incompetent mentally. She may be slower to react and think about things but that doesn’t mean she isn’t able to do so. Now when it comes to driving her reaction time is a different story but for now and maybe forever you have the cover of her doctor saying she isn’t able to drive yet but no harm as she’s considering where to live in suggesting she consider the probability that down the line sometime she will probably have to stop driving so might as well plan for that by selecting someplace that is accessible (or in the case of retirement housing, IL, AL has transportation available.
You mention having to drive her around a lot, don't. There is no reason she needs to go shopping constantly. See if your County office of Aging has Senior bussing. If so, sign her up and tell her call them when she wants to shop. Find out if Dr visits are necessary. My Moms Dr had her coming back every 2 months. Other than blood pressure and cholesterol meds Mom was healthy I stopped that. Learn to say the word No.
Your life should not be centered around Mom. She lives with you. If you eat at 7, she eats at 7. If you want to go out and she doesn't, go out. As my DH always says "there's peanut butter and jelly". At the time my Mom stopped driving, I became her chauffeur. We sold her car. I set boundries without knowing I was. I was lucky because I worked p/t. I picked a day we would be going shopping and run errands. Once a week we took her out with us for dinner. We met other people there so it was socialization for her. All of my family knows you do not call me at work unless an emergency. I was not at my Moms beck and call. If she needed something thru the week, if not an emergency, I did it when I was out and about. Dr appts were made at my convenience.
If you don't think setting some boundries will work than tell her "this is not working". If she has money find that nice AL. If she still has her home, sell that and the car for her care. Wanting to shop may be because she is bored. At an AL she will have socialization, activities and outings. Or if you have just had it, place her. No one person should be able to control two peoples lives like this.