A man, who claims to be a friend of mom's, is visiting her only at meal times. She is in nursing home and she is on puréed food. She can feed her self with encouragement. My aunt has sent him there, basically, because she doesn't think she is getting adequate help. Mom will be placed in hospice care next week.
What do I do? I don't like this guy. I'm not found of my aunt. She's always been manipulative and money moochers.
What's best for mom?
Next kindly ask his name. I would leave the aunt out of the conversation entirely - unless HE brings up her name. If he comes across as legitimate and you think he's a positive, tell him - pick the best word to fit the circumstances.
If you accept, tell him it's nice she has company at mealtime.
I would let staff know he seems to be a fine individual, questionable, or someone she doesn't seem to like.
As I've been looking more and more into long-term care options, and based on my observations, staff usually serve the most mobile/verbal patients first. Having this group fairly anchored, staff pick up the trays, go to the less capable patients seated at a table. Next staff carry trays to patients in their rooms and feed this group.
Mealtime is a major undertaking in a short staffed facility. They have a quick turn around time to get medications to patients who need to "take with meals", those who meals must be delivered to rooms, patients fed, tables cleared, and carts and condiments removed from the area.
Throughout this entire process, family, friends, volunteers arrive, announced and unannounced. Extra eyes and ears are essential as the facilities are understaffed. A visitor's presence serves as the squeaky wheel that gets the grease first. Your mom's visitor may also be helping someone else by his mere presence. It's just how things work. A lot of non-verbal communication takes place and it's a powerful tool that helps others in need.
Since your Mom's days are so limited, I would not discourage this man unless Mom communicates she does not like him. By all means, leave your aunt out of the conversation or visit entirely - unless he brings up her name.
If you have the proper documents in place, there is probably little the aunt can do and nothing the man can do regarding any resources. If you seriously believe there will be problems with your aunt after Mom's death I would be lining up the documents in case legal help is required during any settlement or Probate process.
The most important is your Mom's opportunity to have all the comfort and security available in her last days. Let us know what you finally decide.
Being fed or foraging around with the rest may be the most attention they get.
Oh I know there's activities and such, but I've found people love to talk about themselves and interest. The bigger my ears and smile are the more they open and flourish. I notice too they like to hold something. I would bring little trinkets, Disney character figures, toys or odd gadgets as a gift. Visit, and when you do take time to visit as many as you can. Ask about the ones that don't have visitors and make up a silly excuse if you have too, "you look like my uncle jack or aunt Jill, what part of the country were you born ? The gift of gab for Christmas.
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