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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
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You lie. You tell them they have to stay "for now", "until they get stronger", "until the doctor thinks they're ready", or whatever other answer will satisfy until the next time they ask.
For myself and my sibs, we discussed the admissions process at length. Out of the three of us, one had some guilt, one had questions and I had alot of indifference to it. I was already tired as primary caregiver. Once my parent was admitted, and at the 30 day-ish mark, there was alot of push back and the longing for home began. This is where we all decided to handle it in a very simple way in which our response is always; "Your safety and your medical needs are 1st - we love you and want you here with us as long as possible." That seems to quiet the longing and desire to return to the house. It's then that we usually make sure we're there as much as our schedules allow. Like a child, we reassure ALOT and try not to leave said parent in the middle of a guessing game. Consistency is key as far as we're concerned. Having said that, our way of doing things isn't a "one size fits all" sort of thing. We support each other AND I'm lucky enough to have a very supportive and loving spouse who helps out and gives way to alot of table talk when I need to mull something over. Here and again, this isn't always easy for alot of people. One of my sibs who dealt with alot of guilt at first, now understands that this truly IS best for our parent who is in the 90+ age bracket. That sibling was reminded that being at home is off the table after 2 falls, a credit card breach, and 3 car accidents. It's my opinion that we as adult children/ caregivers, have a responsibility to make sure (as best we can) to not only insure parental safety, but to the community at large. My parent STILL thinks that driving is within the scope of their ability - and it's not due to impaired vision and mobility. There was a very careful "dismantling" we had to do before someone got hurt. Again, when there's talk of going home, we try to keep the conversation short, to the point, and loaded with love and personal concern. To this day, my parent thinks home is still an option, but we've reached an agreement in knowing what's best.
I’m in a similar situation. My dad is 96 and had a broken hip then femur. He had 24/7 care at home until he broke the femur. He still thinks he can live at home on his own, or hire a caregiver (the money had run out for that.) So I am doing the same as you in responding to him. I guess that’s all we can do. He is in a nice place and I visit often.
You tell them honestly. And you let them know that you recognize how heartbreaking that is and that is breaks your own heart. There is no way to avoid tragedy and sadness in life. Accepting it and crying over it together is often the only way through it. I am so sorry.
"Never" and "Forever" are two words to avoid with a loved one suffering from dementia and living in managed care. They're actually words to avoid using with everyone in general, because all we have is the present moment to focus on. The NOW.
There is no point in upsetting him by saying he'll live there forever and never go home! When mom was in Memory Care Assisted Living and talked about leaving, I'd tell her "when the doctor says you're ready to leave". Then change the subject.
The truth should be reserved for pleasantries such as how much you love him or what a beautiful fall day it is outside.
The problem is, what is home to him. For some its the house they grew up in. For me, that home is gone. You may just have to keep telling little fibs. With Dementia he will never understand why he can not go home.
Oh memories. Care meeting with rehab/skilled nursing staff, both my parents , and I. Brand new social worker, immediately chimed in, what are your goals for going home, "Mrs. ------. All other professionals in the room, mouths fell open. (No way of safe discharge). The meeting WAS NOT about her going home. Somehow, I found strength..." Oh mommy, if you fell at home, or fell down the stairs, I'm not strong enough to help you. Daddy would hurt himself, too. Then, what would I do?" Somehow, that diffused everything. In this case, my mom had refused all sorts of in home help, prior to issues that lead to skilled nursing care. Praying for strength for you.. I had talked to staff at length as to what was best for my parents. Just that one person didn't seem to be in the loop. It IS heartbreaking. It's ok to tell your parent it's too much for you. Then try to be present as much as is safe for you emotionally, physically and spiritually. My parents did have a hard time with me "taking over". I guess I went back to a childlike answer, in the moment it worked.
Your profile says he has dementia. There is NO reason to tell him he's never going home. Just keep up the vague responses and change the subject. Sorry.
I find myself facing the same discussion within the next days. I've been caring for My DH for a bit over 3 years now. A recent COVID diagnosis put him in the hospital for a week. He also took a(nother) fall the same day.He was already severely weakened from multiple life threatening illnesses. The COVID rendered him unable to support is weight. After 3 days in hospital, he was released to a rehab facility. (Side note. In the U.S. in order for our health care, Medicare to pay for rehab after discharge, a patient must be admitted as an inpatient for 3 'midnight' periods. I was very anxious they would have released him sooner.) I recognize that he requires a greater level of care than I can give him anymore. He will be in rehab probably for 3 weeks. I have laid the groundwork with the facility social worker hoping I can enlist her support, as well as family and his palliative care nurse. I anticipate that it will be the most difficult thing I can remember ever having faced in my life. But Alvadeer is right, honesty peppered with his knowing that my heart is breaking too may be the only way to get through.
It depends on how far along he is in the dementia . When we put my FIL in AL , he was too smart still for therapeutic lies. We had to tell him the truth , that he can’t live alone .
Now that he’s worse lies do work sometimes , and it’s better than saying the truth and getting him upset over and over .
If he’s going to keep asking the same question because he won’t remember that you answered it, tell him a lie , “ we will have to see what the doctor says “. “ the doctor says you need to be wear the nurses are” . These are two that we use .
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Having said that, our way of doing things isn't a "one size fits all" sort of thing. We support each other AND I'm lucky enough to have a very supportive and loving spouse who helps out and gives way to alot of table talk when I need to mull something over. Here and again, this isn't always easy for alot of people. One of my sibs who dealt with alot of guilt at first, now understands that this truly IS best for our parent who is in the 90+ age bracket. That sibling was reminded that being at home is off the table after 2 falls, a credit card breach, and 3 car accidents. It's my opinion that we as adult children/ caregivers, have a responsibility to make sure (as best we can) to not only insure parental safety, but to the community at large. My parent STILL thinks that driving is within the scope of their ability - and it's not due to impaired vision and mobility. There was a very careful "dismantling" we had to do before someone got hurt. Again, when there's talk of going home, we try to keep the conversation short, to the point, and loaded with love and personal concern. To this day, my parent thinks home is still an option, but we've reached an agreement in knowing what's best.
There is no point in upsetting him by saying he'll live there forever and never go home! When mom was in Memory Care Assisted Living and talked about leaving, I'd tell her "when the doctor says you're ready to leave". Then change the subject.
The truth should be reserved for pleasantries such as how much you love him or what a beautiful fall day it is outside.
Somehow, I found strength..." Oh mommy, if you fell at home, or fell down the stairs, I'm not strong enough to help you. Daddy would hurt himself, too. Then, what would I do?"
Somehow, that diffused everything. In this case, my mom had refused all sorts of in home help, prior to issues that lead to skilled nursing care. Praying for strength for you..
I had talked to staff at length as to what was best for my parents. Just that one person didn't seem to be in the loop.
It IS heartbreaking. It's ok to tell your parent it's too much for you. Then try to be present as much as is safe for you emotionally, physically and spiritually.
My parents did have a hard time with me "taking over". I guess I went back to a childlike answer, in the moment it worked.
When we put my FIL in AL , he was too smart still for therapeutic lies. We had to tell him the truth , that he can’t live alone .
Now that he’s worse lies do work sometimes , and it’s better than saying the truth and getting him upset over and over .
If he’s going to keep asking the same question because he won’t remember that you answered it, tell him a lie ,
“ we will have to see what the doctor says “. “ the doctor says you need to be wear the nurses are” . These are two that we use .