My 98 yr. old father often cries and whines even sometimes begs to go home with me. He always has a caregiver with him including other family members. I hate to feel guilt tripped which is often the case week after week. It’s gotten to the point that we have to sneak out.
It is okay to do this, it helps you not feel bad and it keeps him from getting upset, win-win.
When my daughter visited, she would tell Mom she had to get to work.
You do what u can to lessen their anxiety. If its a little fib, so be it. Sneaking out the door so be it.
My Aunt had ALZ and was in an AL. My Mom went to visit and on the way out saw my Aunts sister, Moms SIL. Sister said to my Aunt, just saw Peg guess she was here for a visit. My Aunt said Peg wasn't here.
They get like children. And like children on their first day of school, you kiss and hug them and walk out the door. Because hovering only makes it worse.
One thing I do that helps me, and I think helps her, is to leave while she is sleeping and leave a note: "Bye, mom! I had a wonderful visit, and I will see you soon. XOXO." She has my little notes posted all over the house. :-)
Sneaking out is o.k. and in most cases would be the kindest thing you can do for your father.
All the best!
Hugs!
Although there are times when we have to walk away like a mother leaving her child on the first day of school because nothing is going to work, we mostly get a good response when we use a set excuse that mother has accepted in the past while she was still living at home alone. Despite her advanced progressive dementia, she somehow senses/accepts that I hate to drive at night. So I tell her I won't be able to stay long because it will get dark on the way home. Normally she would be distracted after a few minutes, but somehow where time is an issue she can retain some memory and keeps reminding me to watch the time. I try to make my leaving coincide with meal times, as most others will suggest. I should add that this excuse works even if I arrive at the facility at 11am.
After a while it becomes second nature to push the boundaries where the truth is concerned. It really is a kindness to all concerned in the long run.
I don't often say this, but it is quite difficult to see what your father has to cry about! Still, if he is becoming distressed that is hard for you to witness. I think you will have to keep in mind that his emotions are the result of changes in his brain and not any failings on your part, and you have no grounds to feel guilt.
Do what is practical to avoid triggers - I wouldn't call it sneaking out, for example, I'd call it handing over to the next caregiver so that your father isn't made aware that you're leaving.
Does he behave this way when other people leave him?
Do you act cheerful and tell him how much you are looking forward to seeing him next time when you leave?
My former mil used to try the guilt trip thing, but I refused to be drawn into her drama. I also would not be pressured into saying when I would be back.
He is a lot spoiled by all of the attention. Learning to not be sucked in to the manipulation is your challenge. No criticism, it is okay if you girls want to do this for him.
My dad always had something very important that he needed to tell me just as I was leaving. I learned to say I am going, I love you, see you later, bye! As I was walking out the door I could hear him trying to engage me to get me to stay. I bawled the first few times and then it got easier because he was always just fine when I showed up the next time.
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