I have been caring for my wife through all the stages of her dementia until this past week she was admitted to a hospital for evaluation to see if they could help her with agitation and delusions. Anyway her daughter has taken no interest to help or even call her regular in the past several years. She came to visit one time in 5 years and only lives 3 hours away. Now that her mother is in the hospital she is all of a sudden interested. Should I be impressed or tell her to but out that she does not need her now. We have been married 38 years and I am still obsessed(inlove) with my wife. We never had any problems until this journey with my wife started. By the way her son has not been to see her in 10 years. We even moved real close to them a couple of years ago and that did not help either so we moved back so she would be in a familiar place. I'm kinda at a loss for what to do.
The more, the merrier. Don't refuse any help. Usually upon discharge there's a lot of work to do afterwards--VNA, homecare and doctor's appointment follow-ups.
Swallow your pride. More than one person in the family can love your wife but in a different way. Maybe's she matured and is having 2nd thoughts. It's never too late. Leave the door open, you are going to need help. Some adults take a little longer to deliver, others may never.
Let her feel like she's helping and appreciated. She probably needs it for herself.
I think this is a positive thing for you. Every family is the same, but people's timing may not be what we would have expected.
Amen...
probably won’t last long.
We don't know what caused the lack of involvement nor what their relationship before the problems started, but I believe the best thing is to let her [your stepdaughter?] and mother reconnect as long as there is no disruption for her mother. You might also consider letting the son know what is going on and give him the opportunity to reconnect. If he chooses not to, than you will always know that you did all you could
Love her as you have been for 38 years - you've been happy and assuming she felt the same about you...and happy. That is your relationship with her. Cherish it. Don't get involved or fret over her relationship with others.
At this point, whatever keeps mother happy and calm is what you can do. But, at the end of the day, YOU make all decisions for her, nad obviously you care enough to ask. God bless you.
“ I didn’t ask for this,” she said.
I said. “I know, But your dad & I are older, & you should have this in case something happens. My son has one too.”
She reluctantly took it.
My point was that I wasn’t hiding anything, but her reaction I think is typical of judgmental people, until a symbol of that judgement is removed, & they don’t know how to deal with it.
BTW, it didn’t quite stop her attitude.. When he died she said her dad was very traditional & didn’t approve of people living together. Her father & I didn’t marry b/c I’d lose my pension from my late husband & we’d take a financial hit. I don’t know how much “ living in sin” applies to 70+80 yr-olds. Lol.
Anyway, being gracious is not harmful. It can help.
I have a son who's a major exhibitionist and likes to visit my husband in his memory facility, with his dog, and stroll among the other residents. And if I am unfortunate to get there when he is, he orders me around, insinuating that he is much more adept and loving than I, I guess. But when I asked him recently if he would supply one round of Depends and other supplies on a visit, he refuses. How do I react? Very depressed that I so badly raised this son, but accepting that at least he visits, and otherwise, try to ignore the not-so-veiled periodic stream of invective.
And this also has made me think ahead, so I have planned my own future care very thoroughly, with no reliance on him.
Primary goal is safety not a last ditch attempt for emotional closure.
I can understand that frustration because the only help I have in taking care of my dad is my 22yr old daughter. My mom passed away 18yrs ago, my only sister passed away 22 years ago, her children and my dads family lived several states away, and the last time my 40yr old brother (who lives in same city as we do) came to visit my dad was Oct 2020….. and I paid him $100 to sit with him for 5 hrs while I ran errands…. He called me complaining! My dad was HEAVILY involved with church….a good family man…. The church members don’t even call \visit.
All of that to say, yes…. The kids may have stayed away all these years as some have commented because of your relationship with them…but if they loved their mother and realized she was with someone they didn’t care for, they should’ve BEEN involved years ago once they knew she had dementia. I do think of it as self serving when a person shows up years later and all of a sudden once the family member is hospitalized….. they want authority, say-so, got opinions…. whether it was because they didn’t want to be bothered with the day to day care, they are selfish, they are expecting a soon to be inheritance or they had a “come to Jesus” moment of guilt…. Johnny come lately should be treated as such.
I would let them visit their mother, but hopefully you are the health care proxy and the will is already set up. You have already done all of the hard work before your wife went into the hospital…. So you have every right to set up the boundaries!
It makes it very hard to be in a relationship with your own parent when their spouse has their face in every conversation, takes every comment as an insult or jab. So, I can relate to your wife's children.
I can imagine telling one of my parents spouse's, you don't need to visit tonight, (thinking, I am giving them a chance to get a good night's sleep because they must be exhausted and I am here) being taken as a control issue and them cutting me off from getting the facts from the hospital.
That you use the term obsessed and think it means in love, concerns me and actually answers why her children steer clear.
I never interfered with my parents choices but, I guarantee you, had their spouse's led me to feel cut out when one of them was laying in a hospital bed, I would have moved heaven and earth to protect my parent and I would have done everything in my power to ensure the controlling spouse was no longer able to isolate my parent if they were no longer mentally capable of deciding for themselves.
One thing I know for a fact, parents have to work really hard to drive their children away, standing up for a spouse that is less then ideal, being extremely nice with that wording, can do this.
If you truly love your wife, stop alienating her children that she loves.
You say that mother “has never lost her love for her children” but if I understand your post, she doesn’t think that they love her. As your wife has dementia, understanding what she ‘really’ thinks may be difficult or impossible. She may be remembering her love for them when they were small, rather than wanting to try for a new loving ‘adult’ relationship. A meeting could be quite confusing (and upsetting). Or it might make her very happy – you just don’t know!
It may be that you have some baggage from the past that makes you a bit suspicious of this new approach. Would it help if you met your step daughter yourself (you have known her for 38 years, she’s not a stranger), and tried to understand what’s happening? And being there in the background if the visit does take place sounds like a sensible idea, in case it’s upsetting.
If so, why are you even considering standing in the way of your stepdaughter's involvement? What are you concerned about?
If that’s the case, I can see how mum going into hospital could have been a wake-up call for the daughter, especially if she became more distant around the time your wife started to become more symptomatic.
This is the beginning of another chapter in the journey, so it seems like there can be room for daughter to become more involved if she’s looking for a way to re/connect. I agree with the earlier comment about talking to the social worker/case manager or primary nurse for guidance too.
And you can make her aware of all this firmly and quietly. (My DH always seems to get his point across this way) I know its SDs mother but why the concern now? Realized her Moms mortal and there may not be anytime to be a daughter? Or, there is something she wants to make sure she gets? Hope you have Wills. Because she cannot assume that what's Moms will eventually be hers.
Yes, I am skeptical.
No, I don’t think so. Of course, only OP knows the full picture.
“Or, there is something she wants to make sure she gets?”
Much more likely.
I hope your wife will be OK.
I wish everyone a great Easter Sunday!
If you feel that seeing the kids now would work against her health, would confuse her, would be upsetting to her, would be a cause for distress, then tell the daughter that right now is not the time, that her Mom is very unstable at the moment, receiving medications that must be evaluated, and that "new things" (like HER) can't be thrown into the equation right away. Tell her that when Mom is more stable you will let her know, and make arrangements to visit with her.
You are in charge and giving your wife your loving care. Let your love for your wife be your guide. Do what is best for her, do what is least distressing.
Be certain to visit WITH THE DAUGHTER, and let her know you are doing so so that you can evaluate if this visit is a happy circumstance for wife, and if it causes distress. Let the daughter know that you have handled this for your beloved wife on your own, that you are determined to do WHAT IS BEST FOR HER regardless of your own feelings in the matter.
Stand firm, but as open handed as you are able.
This is always very tough. I wish you the best and my heart goes out to you.
Good luck with all you have on your plate.