How much grieving is normal?
My mother -- after a long decline due to dementia and a bunch of other health issues (COPD, diabetes) -- died June 15. She'd been moved to a home and put under hospice care. The nursing home and hospice experience was very good. I felt like my mother got a lot of care and comfort, and they were very understanding and helpful to me, too.
I cried when my mom first went into hospice, and when she had bad days I'd cry, too. In the last couple weeks when the decline was more noticeable, I had my sad moments, too.
When she finally died, I felt both terribly saddened but also a bit of relief because her last days she could barely move or talk.
I think I've handled the grief pretty well. I cried in the days after she died, and tears flow at random times. (The first month anniversary. Driving by a place I used to take her to. Some seemingly out-of-nowhere thing that reminds me of her.)
My dad died 30 years ago and I can still get sad about that. Maybe remembering him on his birthday or something like that.
Now, my mother-in-law had health complications this year and she had to go to an assisted living facility for a few weeks. It happened not long after my mother died (about two months) and we steadily went over there to visit, bring food, check on her house. The whole family took personal days and did double duty to help her. Some days it was really hard for me to go, but I did it, even though the facility wasn't the same one my mom was in, but it did remind me of my mother's months in a nursing home.
A couple times I've opted out of a family visit, once because I awas in a sad mood and wanted time to myself to reflect, shed a few tears. I haven't missed much work, aside from the few days immediately after my mother died. I haven't slacked on work. I have actually gotten more caught up with things since my mother died because now the time I'd spend visiting her, it can go toward more housework or cooking or whatever.
Today I saw something that triggered me a bit, and I maybe cried for 15 minutes. My husband and my mother-in-law both gently suggested maybe I'd want to see a therapist.
I've gone to therapy before, and it's helpful. But in this case I'm not sure I need to go. Now, as the holiday season rolls in and my mother's birthday approaches, I'm fully expecting to have some sad moments. If it gets too overwhelming, sure, I'll see a therapist. But she hasn't even been dead six months. Isn't it normal that I might shed a couple tears -- and sometimes it's just my eyes getting misty, and other times some tears stream down -- now and then over my mother? I'm not a wreck. I'm functioning pretty well. Now and then I have sad moments.
Isn't it worse to feel nothing? My husband said maybe I have some things that I haven't yet resolved. My argument: Thanksgiving, Christmas and my mother's birthday are all coming up. I'm going to feel sad now and then.
To me that seems normal. I have isolated myself a bit -- just a bit -- more than normal since my mother died, but I've also gone out, caught up on things, socialized, found a new job (which I'm really enjoying). I don't feel like I need therapy.
(Rant over.)
The answer was that we grieve for a lifetime. There is no time limit.
That doesn’t mean that we never have joy in our lives again but it’s okay to miss someone forever after they are gone. You loved them. Even if the relationship wasn’t top notch, then you grieve for what you wish you had with them.
Maybe some people claim they don’t grieve. That may be true for them because they did their grieving long before an actual death because the relationship ended long before the death actually occurred.
I feel it is important to grieve. I feel if grieving is not done, at some point it will catch up to you.
Don’t feel guilty about mourning a loved one. Take time to process your feelings. Hugs!
I do feel like the deceased would want the survivors in time to continue on with their lives to the fullest.
What you are doing is you're grieving in a perfectly normal way, dear woman. Your loved ones just don't know how to fix this, that's all, as if it CAN be fixed. Which it can't. Only time softens the sharp edges and takes the sheer anguish out of your heart, just a tiny bit. No therapy on earth can do that, no amount of talk, or reading of books.....just tears can accomplish the goal.
"Tears are Gods gift to us. Our holy water. They heal us as they flow." -Rita Schiano
Allow yourself to grieve, to cry, to heal. Let your loved ones know you're fine, that you need time to go thru the stages of grief at your own pace. Promise them that if you start feeling true depression set in, that youll see your doctor for help. And thank them for their loving concern.
You're doing just fine.
My condolences for the loss of your beloved mom.
"Normal" grief doesn't have a time table, other than it does get easier to bear as more time passes. Some people are helped by talking to someone, although not necessarily a therapist. Personally, I find help in prayer.
Here's a link to an old man with the best description of grief I have ever found. Hope it helps.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/my_friend_just_died_i_dont_know_what_to_do/c1u0rx2/