My mother is 93 and has been in a nursing home for about 5 years. Obviously her condition has progressed and I am not sure she knows exactly who I am when I visit. I do know that she gets very upset now when she gets visitors and it upsets her whole day. I know she doesn't remember from one day to the next, so even if I could visit daily, her reaction would be the same...upsetting for her. There is much guilt on my part because I didn't have a choice but to put her in a nursing facility. I know she gets very good care there, it's a small facility for Alzheimer patients. I am struggling, making myself visit, when I know the visit won't be pleasant for her or me and am I doing it to satisfy my guilt or because it benefits her in some way. I don't see how being upset for an entire day benefits her at all...just so I won't feel guilty.
This is the way to make a win/win situation - you see her & interact with her but her being upset should go away as you become part of the furniture - check with those running the place how best to ease into this
Go same time each week & this is something that will become routine for you both - I'm sure the staff would love a helping hand just talking to several of the residents but limit the number of times a week you go
I don't think I've ever said goodbye to her But I make a big deal of saying hello to her
This has given her some comfort but is oftentimes exhausting for me as I'm there for hours with my own demanding job
Recently she has been hospitalized and is now very weak and so I'm struggling to adjust the routine at least on the weekends
Unfortunately most places are understaffed and family involvement makes a difference
My relationship with the evening caregivers is much different than with the daytime ones who seldom see me
Other residents do struggle after family visits as they're left behind - the visits aren't the problem it's the departure
I personally visit 3-4 times a week and I really don't want to go more often- I'm just too tired
ok Stacy B, let's say for kicks & giggles, let's say I asked a question such as; "what would anyone suggest I do regarding the guilt I have about Not wanting to go see "so & so any more" ... what would you try and offer me as advice ...
From what I've read, this is about her (him) not the mom. What I see is this, they need to first understand themselves a bit better, then place the guilt they own (the guilt of fighting the not wanting to go any more feeling) where it belongs... and it's up to them to decide where it belongs. Guilt is not erased by hearing allot of others pat you on the shoulder or telling stories .. guilt is real, it's heavy, and it's a load on the soul.
So if you all need to talk, then talk, but help this individual out with talking about your guilt (if you own/ed any) and talk about how you deal or dealt with it, but fir Christ sake stop suggesting they learn how to "visit "better. ... man.
You are certainly carrying a big load. No matter how many other family members there are you will always her daughter.
I have facilitated Support Groups for many years. Truly they became my give back to all those that had helped me. At first it was difficult because the situation was not the best. I continued and spoke with the social worker at the facility. She told me to start a diary of my feelings and write in it each day I visited. Then when I visited there appeared to be no recognition and frankly I did not know which of the two were worse. I continued to write and I began walking. Just to get rid of the feelings I had - I walked and walked. However, worse of all the visits when she thought I was her mother, that one really through me.
After all of this was said, I had reached what I call the top of my mountain. The steps, I realized were steps to help me through the grieving process. When our parents no longer know us, we can begin to heal ourselves. There are many tools to help you and your mother have a very successful visit. For these tools contact the Alzheimer's Society and try to find a support group that will be there for you through the hills and valleys.
Maybe you could pop in as the aides do and just ask your mom how's she doing and if she needs anything. That way you get to see and interact with her but not expect her to converse or interact with you as a daughter. Maybe volunteering for activities, where you can watch her from a distance while you help others if helping/sitting by her would be upsetting.
Every person is different. Try different things and watch her reaction to each step. To not go even once a week at different days/times when we are close enough to, IMHO, is not a good idea because family presence makes the workers more attentive. Sad but true.
If you NEED to see her, for your sake, just cut it back to 1-2 times a week. Some part of her knows you're there, I think.
Just HOW upset is she? Just anxious and a tad disoriented or "needing to be sedated" upset. That may factor in your visits a little. I'm sorry for this. Aging parents make us fragile and frustrated.
We can assume from your own words she at some point for a length of time was aware of you and why she's was put there. Not sure why you are now after 5 years asking if it's "ok" to stop going, no one can answer that for you.
Lets look at the possible scenarios you are facing. (Human beings memories are retained regardless brain disease but those memories and emotion based memories are retained in degrees and levels .. meaning even with disease we remember as each brain can at that point.
Scenario #1. She can remember you put here there 5 years ago and even in the disease progression those memories now cause either you or all visitors to now be an unpleasant experience and agitate her daily routine.
Scenario #2. The disease damaged her memory history and memory emotion leaving her in an unaware state causing any change of any kind no matter what it is Is upsetting her.
So, it's a crap shoot reasoning if her agitation is due to the past and present fact that she's there.
Truth is, it's you who needs to decide to place your guilt in a place that works for you, because if the real reasons you visit her is to keep tabs on her care, or if the real reason you visit is because you simply want to ..... if either of the later I just mentioned we're the actual reasons you visit then you wouldn't be asking the question and I'll tell you why. Because if seeing you genuinely disturbs her you can still do both I mentioned, check care and or simply be near her without actually disturbing her by her seeing you.
Bottom line, It's your deal to decide if you can manage your guilt of wanting to stop going there. No one can talk you out of feeling guilt, it's up to you to understand it then manage it.
Just remember that even though your mom is not the mom you used to know, just forgive and love her!
She is now under Hospice and I am taking care of her at home but when she was in the memory care facility I visited almost every day at lunch tome. She was less likely to be agitated and I could help feed her. I also made it a point to get to know others and talk to them and call them by name. It actually became an enjoyable experience that I looked forward to. The smiles I received made it all worth while.
If your mother doesn't recognize you as her daughter, don't push it. Be a friend who just wants to sit with her for a spell. Color, watch TV - whatever - if you try to explain who you are, this could be what is upsetting her. Just be a friendly person stopping by to visit. Your mother can't help that she doesn't remember. I am starting to go through this with my DH and I too need to remind myself that some things just don't matter. Being with them is what matters.
BTW, the nutritional drink I use is Ensure with a TBL of Barleans Chocolate Silk Greens and some ice cream. Tastes good and has nutrition. Ray wants them twice a day now, lol.
If you could visit her everyday for 1 hour that would become part of her routine and the visit would no longer be upsetting for her. Even every other day visit would become part of the routine. But it would be best to make the visit the same time every day.
Take her for a walk, sit and read, or just talk. If she is having problems eating make your visit at a meal time so you could help her. It will give her a bit of one on one care and she will equate your visit with something that hopefully she enjoys.