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My Mother in law is 72 years old , resides in the Dominican Republic and comes to the US to visit her adult children and to go to the Doctors. She stays in my house for a month and goes to medical appointments in another city 4 hours away where her other Son lives so she also stays there as well, sometimes she has stayed 5 months between the 2 houses. My husband is the nicest and most respectful , she has another son that lives 10 minutes from us but he is very mean because he looses his patience due to her constant questioning and wanting to know everything, she only visits him for a few hours. Her tenants contacted my Brother in law because she is yelling at them and accusing them of stealing her internet, electricity and water. She calls me and all her children explaining that the tenant goes to her roof during the night and doesn’t let her sleep connecting his electricity cables to hers. This is a constant topic of conversation, I try to change the subject and she manages to go back to the same thing. My brother in law the mean one tells her that she is lying and that he is taking her to see a Doctor. She refused so now he is coming with her in 2 weeks and she will be staying in my house as always. I work from home, just had a baby who turned 3 months and have my 8 year old daughter. It’s very stressful because I have to cook all meals when she visits, Maybe my husband told her something in the past because she was too messy so she doesn’t cook anything and asks permission if she wants to eat. I keep telling her please no need to ask, all the food here is yours too. She asks the same questions and really stresses me the entire day asking me questions about her cellphone, or personal questions about my household etc. or asking me why I didn’t serve my husband dinner, or telling my husband why I went to my room if something is wrong? I went to my room at the end of the day because I was pregnant, tired of work, cooking and her constant questions, so when my husband came from work is more than fair he also entertains her as well. I keep telling my husband all of them need to take her to get checked but he says that he doesn’t have time, and that she has been like this all her life that it will be worse if she gets medicated etc. sounds like he is in denial, I don’t understand. I feel like no one wants her in their house. My brother in law told everyone that he was taking her to see a Doctor he has not done so because she doesn’t want to. He did convince her to come with him to the US so he will bring her just like that and has not mentioned if he will take her to get checked or not. It would give me a breather if she also goes to his house to visit during the day for a few hours , his wife does not work and stays home with a 4 year old, but because she does not feel welcome she stays in my house. How can I protect myself mentally so I don’t end up sick? I don’t want to have problems with my husband because he loves his mom but some one needs to be responsible and take her so see a Doctor. Any suggestions I can give my husband so he takes it serious? Also her son who lives 4 hours away is now saying that he doesn’t want her to stay in his house because he will be having guests and he feels embarrassed because she makes a mess in the kitchen and there are always fruit flies. She actually cooks there because this son works traveling away from home with his wife. I also have a sister in law who live in Vienna very far and has 2 small children, she said that she will make arrangements with her husband so she can come and take her mom to see a Doctor, but again I don’t see that happening either. I feel the same thing will happen. She will be in my house driving me insane. Is there any medication? What typically happens in this case? We don’t even know if she has Dementia or Alzheimers but I wonder if when she comes to my house maybe she will not hear her tennant in the roof anymore but will probably lie that I am not nice to her.

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"just had a baby who turned 3 months".

Dear Husband, we have a new baby. It is not possible for your Mother to stay with us at this time. I need you to protect our family & put our children first at this time.
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Sorry. This is all complicated and convoluted family dynamics. I doubt that we can be a whole lot of help for all the individuals in this mix. I sure do wish you good luck in the day to day maneuvering.

To be honest this is a MOTHER-IN-LAW (happily). Not a mother. So I would be stepping back from this big time. I would be going deaf, sightless, speechless (the see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil monkeys of old). I would let your husband and HIS FAMILY handle this, and sweetly reply to EVERYONE "Whatever you think's best, dear", and "As you like, Darling".

Don't get drawn into it all, because trust me, this is a stew that is NEVER going to taste right, no matter what you try.
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Scarlet123 Jun 2023
Thank you, yes from now on I will not comment
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You have a lot on your plate -- you work from home, have a new baby (and an 8-year-old).

Your MIL is NOT welcome to come for extended stays in your home. That's really it, isn't it? Why do you say that you don't want to make her feel unwelcome? Everyone is using YOU as the free eldercare for THEIR mother.

It seems as if your H doesn't respect you, or he wouldn't allow this situation to occur.

And, really, what's going to be the magic of a doctor's appointment? So she can get a dementia diagnosis? How is that going to change what is going on right now?

If you don't step in and put a stop to it now, I think you are going to end up the fulltime caregiver for your MIL.
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Scarlet123 Jul 2023
Thanks for your reply, I want to give my husband some time to figure out what will happen next, it seems they were all in denial and now they see the truth so at least I want to show support so she can get checked and diagnosed. He was telling his brothers maybe she can go back to her Country and they hire someone to accompany her but that knowing how she is, she might not accept that, but I did tell him my point of view already. I told him if I didn’t work from home what would have happened? That why doesn’t he stop working so he can come an deal with her, that as much as I want to support him, it’s too much for me. He looks very sad and worried, that’s why I’m allowing some time for all of them to brainstorm what will be the best course of action. I told him if you and your brothers can’t take care of her, I am the less equipped one to do so.
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What a mess! Your husband needs to deal with his mother, not you. In your shoes, I’d find somewhere else to be for much of her visit, especially if husband expects you to entertain her
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NeedHelpWithMom Jun 2023
Exactly what I was thinking! Avoid her MIL for as long as possible!
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To protect your mental health when she is at your house - keep that daily habit of alone time in your bedroom. Decide on a schedule and stick with it from day one. Be in your room twice a day for several hours if you need work time as well as alone time. Your husband can entertain her when he gets home as he has been doing.

When we have weekend house parties with group board games, I will announce "okay everybody have some time on your own, meet back in the dining room for another game (or a meal) in 2 hours". Some people play smaller games, some nap, others read or whatever. We all need some regular alone time during a long visit.
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Scarlet123 Jun 2023
I really liked your answer about spending several hours in my room, thanks for the advise 😂
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Scarlet, sometimes being an adult and standing up for yourself and your children results in others getting offended or "calling you a witch".

So?

Does it matter what they think of you?

Isn't your mental health worth it?
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Scarlet,

None of us can truly be prepared for dealing with the continual challenges of caring for a declining family member. It’s extremely difficult!

You are so wise to recognize your limitations in this situation. Plus, you are truly looking out for her best interest in wanting her to receive the best care possible.

Wishing you peace as your family transitions into this new phase. After it’s settled you will feel better about it. Transitioning can be unnerving but please know that you’re headed in the right direction.
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Hmmmm…Okay, suggest to your husband to rent a short term lease apartment for her to stay in. If he doesn’t take you up on that, then you rent a short term lease apartment for yourself and your children.

She isn’t going to change. Your husband is in denial and isn’t around her as much as you.

You asked about giving her meds? She has to be agreeable to taking them.

This woman is a busy body who wants to be in charge of everything. She’s not going to be influenced by whatever you suggest.

Avoid her like the plague!
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Scarlet123 Jun 2023
Thanks, I will try to avoid her, she also follows me to my room while talking nonstop, so I will have to come up with an excuse😀
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This is a tough one. Normally I would say you stay somewhere else so hubby is forced to deal with his mother , but that is difficult with 2 kids , one being and infant , and working from home . That would be alot of packing and uprooting .

So I suggest your mother in law stays somewhere else , possibly an extended stay hotel with a weekly or monthly rate. They have kitchens and laundry on site and housekeeping cleans , changes sheets , brings towels etc. Your husband will have to take her grocery shopping .

You should not have to deal with this all day , especially trying to work and having a 3 month old at home.

You could suggest to your husband that Mom needs to see the doctor , but that’s all you can do. It’s up to him and his siblings.

Certainly come back and vent to us and give us an update . ((((Hugs)))).
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When she follows you to your room , tell her you have a work meeting you have to listen in on, or you are taking a nap , or you just are working on something that needs your total attention and don’t let her in your room . Get a lock on the door .
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