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My mother was a decent parent and my childhood wasn't bad but she has always tended to interfere with my relationships and criticize under the guise of advice. This has gotten so much worse as her health has declined and her mobility has decreased. I'm struggling to maintain some life of my own while helping her but often feel punished for going and doing anything. Today was a prime example of that and I'm now sitting in my bathroom crying. All I was going to do was grab a bite to eat with my daughter and she went off. I'm feeling resentful that she is so demanding; expects me to be at her beck and call and twists everything into being my fault. I'm sorry but having to go to the grocery every single day is just ridiculous. I was informed that is because I don't sit down to discuss things with her; she never knows what's going on etc. I have dinner with her nearly every night; if I'm going somewhere I tell her and keep her updated like I did when I was a teenager - is there something I'm missing that I should be doing. I know I'm rambling but I'm so tired and so stressed... I just want to give up.

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Hi JY, I’m 74 like your mother, and my daughters would also probably say that I was a decent parent but was sometimes critical of boyfriends. Neither they nor I would ever choose to live together because we do live our own lives. However if I thought they were sitting in the bathroom crying because of me, I would be thoroughly ashamed. I certainly would not want that to continue until I died in 10 to 20 years’ time. And I sincerely hope that neither of them would put up with it.

If your mother can’t see that something is wrong, you need to tell her, very firmly. If she won’t change, you shouldn’t be living together. This situation will kill your love and respect for each other. Your mother has let hers wither, and yours will die too.
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JY1019 Oct 2021
Hadn't thought in terms of 10 or more years like this... it would not do anyone of us any good
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Your mother is 74, living under your roof, and dictating the rules, which you are abiding by, for some odd reason. You are looking at possibly another 20 years, or two decades, of this behavior which will only worsen as she ages. If I were you, I'd give your mother a choice: either cut the crap out immediately or go live in senior housing of some kind. I wouldn't put up with this behavior for one more minute because your mother doesn't seem to understand that it's a privilege to be living with you, and that you are doing her a favor by allowing her to live with you and your daughter. Sit down and write out a list of new rules and boundaries for her to follow starting tomorrow, and if she cannot comply with them, then you can help her relocate to some place where she can make her own rules and have total autonomy. Then you and your daughter can live life as YOU see fit without being told what to do and without having to give a detailed account of where you're going, what you're doing, and when you'll be back. Playing the guilt card on you is just a manipulation tool that obviously works; you're in the bathroom crying so she's won another round of Mother Gets Her Way.

By the way, due to some posters coming in here to tear down the 'horrible' managed care facilities, I will tell you that my parents have been living in Independent senior Living since 2011, and Assisted Living since 2014, and now Memory Care AL since 2019 (for my mother) and NONE of them have been 'horrible' or even close to horrible. More like nice hotels with entertainment and on site caregivers. We should all be so fortunate to be able to afford managed care in our old age! #Truth

Please realize what's happening and put your foot down in your own home! You deserve to have your own life, and so does your daughter. Good luck!
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lkdrymom Oct 2021
I agree with this. If she is living under YOUR roof set some boundaries. Who cares if she doesn't like it. What are her feelings more important than yours? If you are living with her, move out.

You seem to be of the mindset that she somehow has the right to approve or disapprove of your actions. Again, walking on eggshells to make sure she doesn't get upset is ridiculous. Crank a few of those shells and let her know how it is going to be going forward. The more you bow down to her, the more she will demand.
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JY, my heart hurts for you. Your mom should be thankful you are caring for her and she's being a %itch about it.

If your mom was an acquaintance who acted like your mom is, would you accept that treatment? I don't think so. So when mom starts on her tirades, walk away. The first time she does it, tell he you aren't going to listen to her when she's acting like that. The second time, and every subsequent time, just walk away without saying a word. Let her stew in her own juice for a while.
As far as feeling guilty, did you cause her ill health and lack of mobility? If you did, then you rightfully should feel guilty. If not, throw that emotion out the door.
You DO NOT have to accept verbal abuse from ANYONE, and "mommy dearest" is being verbally abusive.Sending you a giant hug!
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JY1019 Oct 2021
Thanks for the support- feeling better today. You're right I shouldn't feel guilty - her health issues had nothing to do with me.
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JY1019,

You DO NOT have to allow this servant/master relationship to continue for one more second. Your mother is the one who is needy and can't get by without you. Not the other way around.

Right now and today is the time for you to lay it all on the table with her. Either she stops the manipulating and disrespectful behavior or she will no longer be allowed to live with you. Tell her very plainly that you are an adult and DO NOT owe her an explanation for where you go, who you see, and what you do. There are parts of your life that do not include her and don't offer any explanations for them.
You will not be her nanny-slave that is at her beck and call 24 hours a day, Nor will you be her scratching post when she's not having a great day and wants to berate someone. Also, you will be bringing in paid help to assist her a few days a week. They will be doing her grocery shopping and other errands whether she likes it or not.
Then let her know that she's on probation. Give her 90 days to reduce the demands, the manipulation, the interference, and the unsolicited 'advice'. If she refuses to improve then what happens next is she moves out and let that be the end of it.
No arguing about it. No drama, guilt, or tears. You must establish these boundaries with her and she must learn to respect them.
If she can't or won't , then find her another place to live and move her out.
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Mm.

Looking at your profile, your mother is only 74. This suggests two things:

1. You're in it for a long haul so the sooner you get the ground rules straight the better.
2. Your mother is too young for the dynamic between you two to be explained by the increasing anxieties of old age.

You *were* going to go [out?] to grab a bite to eat with your daughter [who also lives in the same household as you and your mother?] and your mother, being told about or hearing of this plan, "went off." In what way did your mother "go off"? And did you in fact go out to share some down time and a meal with your daughter?

I have to guess, because you don't say: was it the case that you feared that your mother would object to your going out ("perfectly good food here, why don't you stay in") or would want to come too (but three's a crowd), so you didn't tell her about it, then when you sprang it on her she was annoyed and offended and it all kicked off from there?
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JY1019 Oct 2021
My daughter ended up going without me. Going off means that she was angry I was leaving and it was a good 10 minute tirade about me not being home to take her for a ride. And of course my not helping with anything even though I had finished her laundry and vacuumed already. I never said I wouldn't be back or wouldn't take her out. She wasn't even up for the day yet and it would have been hours before she was ready. I offered to bring her something. Her lack of mobility is a big issue and it is hard for her to do much and she is in constant pain. I know all this and I understand it's a lot of why she is the way she is. Am I wrong for wanting to get food quickly? Should I have to feel bad?
And yes we're under one roof. It was mutually supportive once upon a time. I'm struggling me because I guess no matter what choice I make it feels like I did something wrong.
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My former MIL (I am divorced, but still come to family events with MIL); she was a good mom to her 4 boys, if somewhat hyper-critical. At 92, that habit of mind is on steroids:

When will we get there?
What will we eat?
Why is grandchild behaving that way?
Why is DIL eating/not eating that?
Will there be anything to drink? I didn't see you buy anything.
Will there be anything to eat (food was ordered ahead).
Why are you wasting money going to a restaurant?

And most memorably "what are you, a garbage pail?" --to my 16 year old daughter, who offered to eat the appetizer that elder daughter's new boyfriend had said he didn't care for before it was served, but she gave it to him anyway.

We have learned to ignore her. Woman has a PhD in linguistics and we love her to death but she could drive you off a cliff if you actually paid attention to her.

Just turn a deaf ear.
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JY1019 Oct 2021
Boy it sounds like you understand what I'm dealing with these days. Very hard for me to ignore as I usually end up feeling guilty somehow, especially when there are tears. Guess I need to learn how to ignore and let it go.
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You needed that cry. Maybe hormones kicking in? Maybe time to discuss with your doctor.
I can not abide someone keeping tabs on me. Instead of learning to cope with criticism why not learn to exercise your independence?
Your daughter is in her 20s. Does she plan to stay living at home with you and mom? For her sake, I hope not.

“changing things is going to be very painful”. Not changing things sounds pretty painful too.

If she says no, then hear that as go.
Stop asking. Leave a note if you want to be polite. Set up a regular time to go out on your own even if it’s around the corner to sit in your car and listen to the radio. Do not apologize for living your life.
If your mother needs medical care, she should get it and stop picking on you.
Don’t ask. Tell. That’s letting someone know what’s going on. I hope you feel better soon.
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JY1019 Oct 2021
"changing things is going to be very painful”. Not changing things sounds pretty painful too."
You're so right about that
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When you live with a parent, you get treated like a child. Even though you have basically reversed roles. Try to make light of it and continue to work out the kinks.

For groceries, give her the note pad. Tell her each time you think of something you need to put on the list, but tell HER. Don't write it. If she thinks of something, she can add it. Gradually get back to a weekly shopping trip or order online for delivery.

Continue to tell her you will be going somewhere with someone else, BUT don't tell her too soon. Maybe that same day. Don't give her a lot of time to dwell on it.

My neighbor and I have a little private joke - We see each other in our yards. She says can you come over and I say - Nope, not allowed to get off my sidewalk/porch today. We have just learned to laugh about whatever we can.
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Laugh, then you can realize has declining health and mobility so she is taking out her frustrations on you. As horrible as some of these places can be, maybe it is time for placement.

As some members here frequently mention, maybe being around people her own age with activities could change her outlook on things.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.
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JY1019 Oct 2021
It may indeed be time for placement. I'm not sure we can keep up anymore. I wish she would be more social - it would help so much with her mental state I think.
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Read the book Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud.

Is your mom's pain being addressed medically?
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