My mom has been in assisted living for four years, and she still will not forgive me or my sister for taking her there and selling her house and car. She's had a stroke, walks with a walker, has limited use of her right side. She was always all about her family. Now she is so mean to us, says mean things, says we don't let her do what she wants. If we never went up to visit her or take her here and there, she wouldn't care. She's said as much. The place she's at is very bougie, and she always has activities, field trips, and friends.
If she’s willing she can try an antidepressant .
My mother was like that too .
Remind yourself that you did not make Mom old. You can’t make her happy .
I even told my mother , “ Mom , I did not make you old and I can’t fix old “.
You can also tell her that her age and physical problems are what made it necessary that she be in assisted living . That’s it’s not her children’s fault that she feels restricted from doing things .
If she doesn’t care to go out with you don’t bother taking her . Again , you can’t make Mom happy because she wants to be younger again.
She may be depressed, so I'm wondering if she's on meds? If not, would she even take them? Sometimes (oftentimes) seniors become very negative. It can be a sign of depression or dementia or both.
If she treats you like that, don't go visit her very often or make sure she's at an activity when you do. You can leave when she starts to treat you poorly.
More info would be helpful.
Or, just accept that she is angry and will say things to hurt your feelings. See a therapist to help you process your feelings.
If you were looking for advice on how to change her behavior or her attitude, you can not change her. You can only change how you respond to it.
You could try having some empathy for her. Of course she's angry and upset! Her whole life has changed! She has limited mobility, and lost control of her house and car, as well as many other things she has probably lost control over.
And, she's not accepting it well. Try and sympathize and understand her anger.
It may go a long way to building a bridge with her, if you have the patience and desire to do so. If you've never had a good relationship with her, or if she's always been an angry and mean person, I would just stop spending my time with her. I'm all about protecting myself from toxic relationships.
You don't have to take abuse just because she's your mom. You don't deserve to be abused for doing all the right things, such as selling her house and car so she can live where she gets what she needs and has fun things to do. You don't have to take her out; plenty of people there have family that never take them out. In fact, your mom may not be benefiting from that little change in her daily routine. It may set off her complaints.
You're expecting her to be reasonable and rational, but she's no longer capable of that. She's had a stroke. Probably has cognitive decline due to stroke or other issues, such as undiagnosed dementia. Her brain isn't functioning as it did before.
Stop being so helpful. Don't visit her often. She's telling you to stop, and that's one thing she wants that you can give her!!! GIVE IT TO HER!
Start planning for her to go into memory care. It seems as if she's getting to the point where that's where she needs to be. I'm very sorry you're having this problem.
When you go to visit if she starts in tell her that you you are sorry she feels that way and if she continues you will leave. If she continues get up and leave.
If you are on the phone same thing.. hang up if she starts.
You could also go less often. If you are visiting 1 time a week change the visit to 2 times a month.
Make the visit short. If you go to bring her supplies bring them and if she is combative leave.
If she is less combative in "public" maybe make your visit around Lunch time and sit and have lunch with her.
How does the staff say she is when you are not there? If she is adjusted and pleasant to be around she just might be pushing your buttons.
Find out where they go on one of their field trips and be there at the same time so you can observe how she is with the group. (Don't let her know you are there)
My mom was the same. We had a very troubled time, all through out my childhood and adulthood -- long story, I was a foster kid. She had IMHO NP or a "borderline" disorder which made her frankly nuts even the she was young.
Old age, physical decline, and dementia later in life only made it all worse. She was furious at the world, from what my mom used to say "was taken" from her. And I was at the epicenter of taking things away by moving her into nursing care when that was the only obvious place that could care for her (immobile, incontent, frail, just living in a bed).
After getting her in to a high quality SNF - Medicaid cover nursing home; she was utterly broke due a history of gambling (an addiction); that is when I started w/a great therapist; to unpack all of this stuff. My crazy childhood with a narcissist, my father dying when I was a kid, no siblings, the state taking custody away from her, and then her expectations later in life that I would "take care of her, which I did for a bit out of guilt tripping/manipulation.
My mom would just rage at me when I visited at the nursing home; so I stopped visiting. Then the rage behavior happened if/when I called; so I stopped calling. I went total no contact the last 2-years of her life.
Yes, the psychiatrist on staff and the social workers tried their best; but a person can ONLY help themselves if they want help. My mom did NOT want any help, she just wanted to range on; so all including me just let her. All that rage had one benefit, they kept her in a private room to not disturb others.
It was a sad ending to a sad life. Nothing I could do nor anyone at the high end nursing home could do. She passed about a year ago, so her misery is over.
You are doing the best and got her into a nice AL facility. You are doing the best when visiting or calling. If your best is not good enough for her, let her just be angry at the world. And you start doing the best for you, which may mean Not visiting or call so often. Or leaving with the nasties start up. Just be calm and say something like, I used to try to tell my mom-- "I get is that this sucks, you are angry and unhappy. But, I am not your personal punching bag. I feel you are trying to put your anger and unhappiness on me, and I will not accept it. I have done nothing wrong here. You have to deal with your emotions with your care team moving forward. If you start up at me, I will leave or hang up and I will not been contact for a week (then make it 2, then 3 if the raging continues)." She may learn, or she may not but at the end of the day you have to protect your mental health! No one has to be another's punching bag, even if they are our mothers and gave us life.
that point doesn’t seem to have gotten thru
Or write her a letter explaining and maybe a weeks break from her to allow her to digest the info?
only you know your mother to know if that could make her worse
first call tho I’d speak to head at centre and ask did their advice stating your mothers behaviour is getting worse
good luck
Let me explain: Sometimes we are born to broken parents. We would like to imagine that the relationship is more that what it appears, but it's not. You have to be very careful dealing with these types of personalities because they will use and abuse you to no end until you put a stop to it. We do this by setting healthy boundaries. Sometimes a healthy boundary is going no contact.
After his death in 2014, I haven't visited the gravesite at all. Unfortunately, there is too much pain there.
As for your mom, she was a generous person. She was not like the man I described above. He was a mean piece of work to begin with. The stroke is what caused the changes in your mom's brain and her personality. I know it hurts to see her in this state, and those words hurt.
You may have to step back for a minute to process the changes in your mom that are happening. I mentioned my dad, because if your parent had a personality like the one I mentioned, it would be easier to walk away.
Your mother loved and protected you. This is not your mom's true personality. Her love is eternal. Her personality has been hijacked by the stroke and dementia.
The end does not need to be torturous for anyone.
Best wishes.
What is she talking about when she says you won’t let her do what she wants? Is that true? How can you stop her?
I would consider finding her a therapist so she can work through her anger and to help her explore that perhaps she has some responsibility for being where she is and possibly help her not have another stroke.
Have you tried respecting her wishes and staying away?
She doesn’t sound depressed to me. “she always has activities, field trips, and friends.” If she has acclimated to the community she sounds like she is making the best of what she considers a bad situation.
Four years is a long time…especially when normal life expectancy is considered and wherever she is on her time line. I wouldn’t expect things to change until another negative life event occurs and even then it might not be in the direction you are hoping for. Regardless , what you are doing isn’t helpful to resolving her anger.
I would let her know that you love her, want only the best for her and will stay away until she calls. Hire someone to interface with her on necessary issues. Leave her in peace.
I’m sure you miss the acceptance and support you enjoyed prior to her stroke. I’m not trying to say you have done anything wrong but Mom thinks you have and it must feel like betrayal to her and very hurtful to you and sis.
I think the people who get the most from this forum give feedback to let the responders know if they are understanding your post correctly.
Wishing you better days ahead.