I made along post a month ago explaining the challenges I'm dealing with in regard to my 80-year-old father who is declining mentally and physically, stubborn, manipulative, demanding, etc. And I have multiple mental health disabilities. I'm the only person in his life. This is really having a big negative impact. A lot of people generously wrote replies to that post, which I appreciate. I just replied to some.
Anyway, my dad and I have always been extremely close. We used to have a lot in common, we have a very similar set of mental traits and interests, etc. We talk almost every day. Over the past few years it's become more and more stressful and he has become more demanding and manipulative. The stress has been out of control lately and I find myself losing my temper and ruining my dad(s). I don't feel we have much in common anymore and all he wants to do is have me be his slave and check off his chore list and help him with all his life goals.
So, I am starting to actually resent my father. I don't want to talk to him anymore. I don't want to spend time with him anymore. And this makes me extremely sad. I don't know what to do.
Start learning to say "no".
Let him know you cannot fulfill his chore list and he will have to hire on some help for it.
Be honest with him. It will save so much time and angst.
You cannot help your Dad and with your problems should not be his caregiver. Its not your fault he is 80 with no friends. Its not your fault he has depression which can be helped. When he says "u don't do anything for me" ask him "what do you want me to do for you Dad?" Listen then tell him what you can do and what you can't. "I can't do anything for ur depression Dad you need to see a Dr." "Can't be ur everything because I have a life of my own"
If Dad hasn't had one lately, he needs a good physical. Labs, cognitively and a physical. Labs may find out his numbers are low. Thyroid can cover a lot of problems. Low potassium can cause depression. Dehydration can cause problems. B12 is another problem. It may just be as simple as bringing up those #s. Maybe, if he has the money, Dad could go into Assisted living. He would have some socialization there.
The person he used to be is gone. That was the person with whom you liked to talk and spend time.
He’s not going to magically change back into who he was before old age, cognitive decline and/or whatever else affected him. What you’ve got is who he is now. Sad to say, that makes it unlikely that your relationship is ever going to get back on that track.
Can you change to accept him, handle the necessary convolutions of your personality to adapt to him, and forge a new relationship based on how you relate today? Probably not, nor perhaps should you.
I’m sorry for what has happened, and I wish you luck in navigating this new territory.
I resent my mom for many of the same reasons you describe, and I hate to think that after she is gone I will realize I spent her last years resenting her.
Way when my journey started six years back as my dad was almost passed from Alzheimers, and it was clear my mom would make me he whipping post instead of my dad, a friend suggested to me we get outside help then as it is hard to be both a child and a caregiver, he thought I should concentrate on being a son
But as Plant says in a subsequent post: . I didn't think to add the question into my main post: For a moment let's set aside the issue of all the "needs" of my dad, and look at the idea of trying to rekindle the relationship. Any ideas for how I can get back to a state of wanting to talk and spend time with him again?
And thats what I struggle with. Maybe there is not an answer .
Unless he can begin respecting you as his daughter and stop treating you as a servant to do his bidding, there's no chance of a relationship. Unless you can sit through a movie with him which requires no conversing.
Start thinking of alternative ways for your dad to receive help. Have you contacted Council on Aging in your dad’s area? That’s a good place to start.
Best wishes to you and your father.