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87 mother in law. Very forgetful accused me of putting inaccurate glucose numbers when monitor her insulin units. Doesn’t want my help. o am very stressed and burned out
You stop 'trying' to help. You set boundaries for your own mental and psychological health + well-being. She may have some dementia issues which means her brain is / has changed and will continue to do so. She will not change ... because she can't. Once you realize this, then you will realize that you need to change how you interact / commuincate with her, which may be very limited.
You never ever argue or 'try' to convince her of anything. It won't work and all that will do is frustrate you more.
You leave the situation (her) the moment she 'starts in.' Take a break for 5 minutes to 5 hours to 5 days. You learn how to take care of yourself, first.
You may need to get a caregiver in there to manage / deal with her. Do not continue to take this on. It is a no-win situation for you. It will only negatively affect your own mental and psycyological health and well-being.
Bigfun, below you wrote that you are looking into LTC and MC. Please consult with a Medicaid planner for your state -- there is lots to know about what it actual covers and how to qualify, plus if you're managing your MIL's financial affairs, Medicaid in most states has a 5-year look-back period so you will need to be very careful to oversee it in a way that doesn't disqualify or delay your MIL from this very important benefit.
Although educating yourself to her care needs may be helpful, in the end it probably will not solve the burnout issue. One sick, needy and uncooperative person can easily drain 2 younger adults like yourself and your husband.
You need to read other posts on this forum to get a full picture of the reality that is likely going to happen. What will you do when she refuses to take her insulin and is sneaking food into her mouth that is bad for her diabetes? You won't be able to reason with her, since she now has dementia (and paranoia is one of the symptoms, that's why she's acccusing you of a ridiculous thing). It will only get worse and worse.
So, you will need to make a decision or at least have an exit plan for when (not if) you are overwhelmed by her care. Is your husband her PoA? If she doesn't have a PoA and won't assign one, this (to me) would be a deal breaker because then you not only have an uncooperative person controlling your lives but you don't have the legal authority to get her out of your house without a great deal of struggle.
Does she have the funds to pay for a MC facility? If she's a fall risk, this tends to speed up the chaos since her injuries will most likely be broken bones, and not just bruises, plus trips to the ER, PT, delirium, UTIs, and on. I'm not exaggerating: please read just a few of the posts made by well-meaning but desperate adult children who thought it'd be a good idea to move their sick and uncooperative cognitively declining parent into their home.
The people responding to you on this thread are being blunt, but not mean -- it's like they are violently waving their arms as you drive past them headed toward the collapsed bridge. Please don't ignore their advice.
Thank you everyone. My husband is supportive with her care and with me. I attending a seminar for caregivers this week. In the meantime she asks that I do certain things for her which I do gladly. She is on insulin and I administer her injections. We are talking long term and memory care for her.
Your profile says: I am caring for my mother Ingerborg , who is 87 years old, living in my home with age-related decline, anxiety, arthritis, depression, diabetes, hearing loss, mobility problems, and urinary tract infection.
I think you neglected to add dementia, since she's also "very forgetful". I also think theres no option for "mother-in-law " so you put down "mother" for your 87 year old MIL. Tell her you'll care for her ONLY if she treats you in a civilized and loving manner. Otherwise, she can either care for herself or move into managed care since she's obviously very unhappy in your home.
You and her son need to now look into Memory Care Assisted Living placement for her, or Skilled Nursing care with Medicaid, since things will only worsen from here. Not many people can care for demented elders with a ton of health issues to boot at home.
If she doesn't want your help, stop giving it. If she lives in your house it's time to get her out.
Put her in memory care. Tell your husband she's his mother and he needs to find a memory care facility for her or you'll drop her off at a hospital ER with a note pinned to her jacket.
Your profile says only that you are caring for your diabetic MIL who is fall prone. Can you tell us if your MIL lives with you, or you with her? Where is your husband in all this? Does he share caregiving with you? Do you discuss with your husband how long you can continue in caregiving in home?
You cannot argue with dementia. So there's that to start. Hope you can provide us with more information.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
You set boundaries for your own mental and psychological health + well-being.
She may have some dementia issues which means her brain is / has changed and will continue to do so.
She will not change ... because she can't.
Once you realize this, then you will realize that you need to change how you interact / commuincate with her, which may be very limited.
You never ever argue or 'try' to convince her of anything.
It won't work and all that will do is frustrate you more.
You leave the situation (her) the moment she 'starts in.' Take a break for 5 minutes to 5 hours to 5 days. You learn how to take care of yourself, first.
You may need to get a caregiver in there to manage / deal with her.
Do not continue to take this on. It is a no-win situation for you. It will only negatively affect your own mental and psycyological health and well-being.
Gena / Touch Matters
You need to read other posts on this forum to get a full picture of the reality that is likely going to happen. What will you do when she refuses to take her insulin and is sneaking food into her mouth that is bad for her diabetes? You won't be able to reason with her, since she now has dementia (and paranoia is one of the symptoms, that's why she's acccusing you of a ridiculous thing). It will only get worse and worse.
So, you will need to make a decision or at least have an exit plan for when (not if) you are overwhelmed by her care. Is your husband her PoA? If she doesn't have a PoA and won't assign one, this (to me) would be a deal breaker because then you not only have an uncooperative person controlling your lives but you don't have the legal authority to get her out of your house without a great deal of struggle.
Does she have the funds to pay for a MC facility? If she's a fall risk, this tends to speed up the chaos since her injuries will most likely be broken bones, and not just bruises, plus trips to the ER, PT, delirium, UTIs, and on. I'm not exaggerating: please read just a few of the posts made by well-meaning but desperate adult children who thought it'd be a good idea to move their sick and uncooperative cognitively declining parent into their home.
The people responding to you on this thread are being blunt, but not mean -- it's like they are violently waving their arms as you drive past them headed toward the collapsed bridge. Please don't ignore their advice.
If you don't want her living in your house you don't have to keep her with you. Remember that. There's always placement.
I am caring for my mother Ingerborg , who is 87 years old, living in my home with age-related decline, anxiety, arthritis, depression, diabetes, hearing loss, mobility problems, and urinary tract infection.
I think you neglected to add dementia, since she's also "very forgetful". I also think theres no option for "mother-in-law " so you put down "mother" for your 87 year old MIL. Tell her you'll care for her ONLY if she treats you in a civilized and loving manner. Otherwise, she can either care for herself or move into managed care since she's obviously very unhappy in your home.
You and her son need to now look into Memory Care Assisted Living placement for her, or Skilled Nursing care with Medicaid, since things will only worsen from here. Not many people can care for demented elders with a ton of health issues to boot at home.
Good luck.
Put her in memory care. Tell your husband she's his mother and he needs to find a memory care facility for her or you'll drop her off at a hospital ER with a note pinned to her jacket.
Can you tell us if your MIL lives with you, or you with her?
Where is your husband in all this? Does he share caregiving with you?
Do you discuss with your husband how long you can continue in caregiving in home?
You cannot argue with dementia. So there's that to start.
Hope you can provide us with more information.