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My mom is diagnosed with dementia. She keeps losing her ID card. It is a Real ID and it requires her going down to the DMVto get fingerprinted every time she needs a replacement. Since she can’t do that herself it is a pain to take her.



I took it away from her to keep it safe except for when she really needs it and then she asks for it. That has sort of worked for a year but now she doesn’t want to give it back to me.



I know she will eventually lose it again and there is really no reason for her to have it with her all the time. She just wants it because she feels it gives her some control.



I thought of making a copy of it and laminating it and giving that to her but the card stock is different and she would know that. She can’t get multiple IDs either. I asked. I guess she could get a passport and I could keep that but that seems drastic and then she will probably want to hold onto that, too.



What other ideas have you thought of to deal with a person with dementia who keeps losing IDs yet demands to have the original?

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Get the ID back and just tell her she can’t have it anymore What can she do about it?
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sp19690 Jun 2023
Exactly right.
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Next time she loses it just look at her and throw up your hands and say, "Oh well!" And then don't take her to get it replaced. Can't she just get a basic state ID (so not a license)? Does she drive? Does she travel? Why does she need a Real ID?
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Keep the new one and don't give it back to her, that is the only answer. She can demand all she wants just don't respond.
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Your laminating idea of a copy is your best bet. If she says anything about it being different inform her that the DMV is converting to a new ID card and she is one of the first ones to get it. Put it in a lanyard, seal it with a hot knife and make it big and bulky so losing it would be hard.
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a little lie...
"mom, can you give it to me? thanks. we need to get X document sorted out, i'll help you, it involves showing your original ID. i'll give it back to you after."

then don't give it back.

another little lie...
"X document is still being sorted out. they're still hanging on to your ID."
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Mom gets a copy.
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Would she really recognise a well-made copy? It takes quite a trained eye to distinguish one type of card from another, especially once laminated.

But also... when you say she keeps losing it - how often is "keeps"? I understand the nuisance of taking her to get a replacement but I'd actually be more worried about data security if it does happen regularly. Also, how quickly do you find out when it does get lost, or is she able to cancel it herself if that happens?
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If she keeps losing it then she doesn't get to keep it. As someone said get it back with a white lie and then keep it. Identity theft is very real and she's vulnerable to it now since there could be multiple copies of her ID out there. Canceling the license after she loses it doesn't protect her from ID theft.

If you really must give her something to keep her happy make up something and laminate it and then tell her that's how the new version of the ID looks. Tell her the DMV is cost cutting.
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My mom didn't exactly "lose" her ID or insurance cards and the like... but she lived with my father's vascular dementia and hid stuff from him (car keys, wallet, glasses, medicine, etc) so long that when she developed MCI she would sometimes hide her little wallet with her ID so well we had some difficulty finding it. When Mom stopped driving (on request but she did not complain) I just kept her ID wallet in my purse and produced it whenever it was needed. Mom's MCI didn't turn her personality argumentative as it did with my father.

In your case, I would try the copy method first; the dementia may render her less observant than you are anticipating. Second, I would try the delay and distract method next; when she asks/demands the ID, I would give some reason I couldn't get it right now and state I would get it later. Even if she accepts the delay, you will probably have to repeat it a few times - with dementia repeating requests and getting fixated on some topic is common. I'm stubborn enough to frankly decline to give the ID to her after getting it replaced a couple of times but some people do not view this as one of my better traits so I hesitate to recommend it.

Good luck finding a solution that works with your Mom.
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I got Mom a regular ID and never needed to use it. What does Mom feel she needs it for. Doctors should already have it. My bank never asks for it. See if they can scan it into their system.

See if DMV has the ability to do a virtual one. If so print that off and laminate. Tell Mom thats how they do it now. I don't see why you can't claim it lost and they just reissue. Have you tried doing it on the DMV site?
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