My parents are in their early 70s and my mom is starting to have signs of memory loss. She hasn't been formally diagnosed, but her doctor says she is memory impaired. She doesn't have trouble with ADLs currently but probably will in the future.
She hates living with my dad and younger sister, and wants to move in with me. I live several states away in a very expensive area and I don't want to live with her because she can be very mean and manipulative. I think her behavior is an effect of the memory loss but when I've mentioned it to the doctor they didn't have any helpful suggestions.
Also, her living with me would be difficult financially unless she got a divorce from my father, and even then I think it would be hard. She is hesitant about divorcing but also extremely unhappy living at home. I've suggested independent living, but I don't think we have the financial resources as a family for that either. I don't want my mom to be unhappy, but I don't see a lot of options for folks who don't have a ton of money.
We did try hiring a caregiver and she hated that person too, but we are planning to try that again. I don't see a situation where she will be happy since she hates being alone and hates living with my father. How can I get help for her to afford AL?
My mom wants to busy and with people all day, every day and no one has that capacity.
Maybe your Dad could use a break as well from her .
FIL fared better--being kind of quieter type of guy, but she had run him into the ground, mentally and he didn't have any backbone left by the time they divorced.
They didn't fight, per se, after the divorce, but MIL made life miserable for all of us, forcing us to choose sides and being so horrible to dad.
She's been alone for 33 years and she's not one bit happier now than she was back then. Probably worse, b/c she's seen that the family kind of took dad's side--just b/c he was bearable to be around.
And my MIL hates everyone who comes to her house to 'help'. Fired numerous aides, so the kids just do all the CG.
FIL has been gone 20 years but to talk to HER, you'd think he was still living in the house with her, making her miserable.
She also tried to move in with her YD and luckily, SIL stood up for herself (probably the only time she ever has, with MIL) and said "Absolutely not, you are not living with me.)
Whatever you do end up doing--DO NOT bring either parent in to your home.
My extended family has been pressuring me to move my mom in with me as well so I really couldn't tell what was the best thing to do. One of my uncles even told me that I should move her to a region with better resources and more of a city life so that she could enjoy her life more.
I will read up on fear, obligation, and guilt along with JADE because I have been struggling with all of that so much and I know as things go on, it'll only become more difficult.
My mom was a good mom to my sister and I growing up and I feel really sad for the situation that she is in now. However I do agree that divorcing now probably doesn't make sense unless she came up with her own plan which I don't think she would be capable of at this point. I agree with everyone that getting involved in their marriage is not a good idea.
We might look into Zoloft. I've asked my dad what he wants to do, but I think he's overwhelmed as well. He doesn't like living with her either but I think he doesn't want to figure out a financial solution. A day program would probably be good to consider as well. My mom is mostly functional right now. I would prefer to plan for the future, but I think it'll just have to be step by step right now.
This forum has been super helpful and I appreciate everyone's insight. There just seems to be so few actual resources for aging and challenges like these.
“ mood adjusters “.
also don’t JADE: don’t justify argue defend or explain.
you owe no one a long winded explanation on why she can’t live with you. “No” is a complete sentence.
Stay out of it!
Plus your mom sounds like the sort who won’t be happy even if she was in a palace and being waited on 24/7.
Do not consider for even 2 seconds her moving in with you. It is an absolute NO!
This didn't just start yesterday, been going on for years.
If she has dementia, this is only the tip of the iceberg, it will get mor bizarre as time goes on.
How do you know that they cannot afford AL or perhaps a senior living place for her under HUD guidelines? I have a friend in Illinois who just moved into a senior living place, she is low income and pays $225 a month, I bedroom, 1 bath, nice clean building.
The family should not pay for anything, it is their issue if they did not plan for their senior years.
Hope this can be figured out for everyone's benefit.
"I don't want to live with her because she can be very mean and manipulative"
She must have always been this way. I say this because when I asked Moms Neurologist if her personality would change with the Dementia, he said this.
If she was sweet before, she will be after.
If she was mean before, she will be after
If she was sweet before and mean after, she was mean before and
covered it up very well.
You just tell Mom "No, living with me is not an option. You and Dad need to figure something out." Realize, this could be the Dementia talking.
NO, is a one word sentence.
When saying NO, you are not responsible for the reaction.
My Mantra...I am here to find people a way, not be the way.
Older people who were kind in their youth remain kind and those who were not kind in their youth don’t suddenly become sweet and agreeable.
I'm acquainted with women who have divorced in their 70s and 80s. They live a good life in the over-55 community where I live. Some of them don't have a lot of money, but it's enough to have bought or rented a house here.
Your mother's circumstance reminds me that every woman should have an escape plan from any marriage as long as she lives. That means money saved and thus independence. Everybody listening???
I'm sorry to say that I think it is a bit late for Mom to decide to move out from Dad when she is diagnosed as having memory issues, and there is not yet a formal diagnosis of dementia.
What you are being asked to do is to take on 24/7 care of a woman with dementia, who has not taken good care of you, to give up your life for the remainder of hers. You are BOTH uninformed of the facts in this and powerless to do anything about them if you WERE informed. If your Mom is competent to leave your father she can leave your father (and not to move in with YOU). If she is not, then she will remain with your father, and likely in his care.
The best thing to tell your Mother now is that you are sorry, it isn't possible for her to move to you or in with you.
Division of finances and a legal separation? Done by someone with likely dementia is problematic in many many ways. I will be frank to say I think this is an impossible situation.
If your Mother wishes now to move from your father she should move into care. If you are her POA or her guardian you can assist her in getting the separation of finances for this couple that would be required for her to have placement. But quite honestly, with a difficult senior this would all be a nightmare.
Sorry to put this back on "Dad" but that is, I do believe, where it rests.
We must remember though that the meaning of being happy is different for everyone.
My oldest brother felt that money would bring him happiness. It’s true that having money is necessary to survive but it doesn’t solve all of our problems.
Money is only a valuable tool if we know how to manage it properly.
Even when my brother had money he would spend it foolishly. So, it was difficult for me to find empathy for him. He refused to change his habits and I accepted that I couldn’t help him with his problems.
Nor can you help your mom. Your mother has to figure out what is important to her as an individual apart from you. It’s not your responsibility to take her into your home.
If you were to take her into your home (which I strongly oppose) you have absolutely no guarantee that she would be happy there. You already know that you wouldn’t be happy with her living under your roof.
Do follow your instincts and follow your head and not what your mother would like you to do.
I have a couple of friends who divorced their husbands later in life. They are happier now but they had the financial freedom needed to live independently. I wish you and your family well.
there is no way that she can change that other than by changing the living situation.
I can tell you right now that they probably could not get a divorce at least a "typical" one. If she is not competent then she probably would not totally understand the proceedings.
Now if there was an advantage for both parents to divorce a lawyer may be able to wrangle it. But rarely is it to both parties advantage to divorce. (at least financially)
YOU can NOT make someone happy.
Options that might help
Is there an Adult Day Program in their area? If so a few days a week can be a BIG help. They typically pick up in the morning, provide a breakfast, a lunch and a snack. Activities, some outings, usually art or music therapies are offered. And sometimes just sitting watching TV.
The Local Senior Services Center may have options for people that will come in and help out.
It may no longer be mom's choice to have someone come in and help. With cognitive issues she may not be the most reliable when it comes to her own care or needs.
Do you realize that this is not your problem to solve? That your mom is an adult and is not supposed to rely on you to provide her with happiness and a social life?
Have you ever heard of F.O.G.? Fear, Obligation and Guilt? It might help you do do some reading about this.